“Tess. I just want to tell you I am proud of you. Tennessee or not. I love you baby girl.”
“Thanks, Momma. I love…”
Before I could get the word “you” out a loud squealing sound takes over. My daddy’s arm instinctively flies across my chest to protect me from oncoming danger. A flash and shards of glass pepper my face spearing into my tender flesh. I feel and hear my momma’s body crack into pieces next to me. Each of her bones make a horrendous sound as they break. My head instantly spins with confusion trying desperately to grip onto any shred of sanity. The Escalade starts somersaulting across the road. That’s when I notice my daddy’s protective arm is gone. When the car and my head finish spinning, I reach out to find my Daddy, but nothing. He’s gone.
My momma’s crushed, bloody body spanned over my lap. Blood, glass and smoke everywhere invading all my senses, and of all things, I’m too scared to panic. My knee silently pulses, and I can’t even start to explain why. Finally, I gather enough senses to scream for my daddy, the one person who always saves me. Glancing in the driver’s seat again, I search for him one more time. Instead, my bloody, torn leg is staring back at me. The red high heel is the absolute epitome of the devil staring back at me. My eyes instantly flash down, and the silent pulse comes alive at the realization that my leg is missing.
I try desperately to talk to my momma, but she doesn’t respond, so panic sets in, and I start to shake her. Rolling momma over to face me, her bloody, broken, beaten face stares back at me. Nothing resembles her pretty face not the tiniest hint. Her throat is slashed and gaping open. I can feel the hot air escaping the bloody wound. Gurgling and gasping sounds fill the cab of the car. She’s fighting, fighting for air. Bloody air bubbles escape her. With my shaking hands, I cover her throat trying to create a seal to save her precious oxygen supply. I can hear gasping air, still a sure sign she is still fighting but losing the battle. One more silent gasp escapes her and then nothing. She loses the battle in my arms. I lose it…all control. Everything goes black.
Chapter 2
Red
3 Days Later
I open my eyes to see Tommie curled up next to me in bed. This isn’t my bedroom or hers. The sterile environment is cold and harsh. I lift my head to get a better view and still don’t understand where I am. My whole body is numb, and it takes all my concentration just to move my arm. I spot a vase of red roses in the corner. Red. I remember red. The blood. My high heel. My momma’s throat. Violent screams escape from my body and I fight desperately to get out of bed. Tommie tries to grab me, but it’s too late. As I fly to the floor, my leg fails me. I can hear Will, Tommie’s husband, yelling for a nurse and then immediately feel Tommie cradling me in her arms on the floor.
“Tess. Tess. Tess.” The only thing she can say to me is my name. I know something is bad, very, very bad.
“Momma?” I whisper into Tommie’s chest already knowing full well Momma is dead.
She died in my arms. Tommie just shakes her head and starts to cry.
“Daddy?” I whisper, in a stronger voice hoping and praying.
Tommie just cries louder. My daddy is dead too. I can’t cry.
The nurse and Will lift me back up in the bed. Then the memory of my bloody knee hits me. I look down to see my right leg is gone. Everything below the kneecap has disappeared. I have one foot and five toes painted bright red. Red. I fucking hate red. My eyes flash back to the red roses. I don’t see Rhett, but I see his writing on an envelope propped up on the vase holding the fucking red roses.
Tommie is now bawling uncontrollably. My body is shaking with anger at all the red around me. “Rhett. Where is he?” I finally ask.
Tommie wails even louder. Will grabs the envelope and hands it to me.
“I asked a question. Where is he? Why isn’t he here with me?”
“Tess, he left you,” Will replies.
Tearing open the envelope, I sink so low, I lose the rest of my shattered self and any hope for the future.
Dearest Tessa,
Just know I love you with all my heart. I stayed here with you the first night and felt my world crumble. The doctors told us you lost your leg and would need months to recover. I can’t stay here with you while you do so. I need to go to Idaho to training camp. You know football is my world. My parents and I have decided that it would be best for me to continue forward as planned. I can’t deal with any of the emotions. It comes down to the game for me. Like I said, never forget how much I love you. This is the toughest decision I’ve ever had to make. Your sister isn’t happy with me, but I have to do what is best for me. We had the best years together in high school, and it just needs to stay that way. Please don’t make this harder than it needs to be on me.
Love,
Rhett
Tears finally make their way to my eyes. I pick up a large book that is lying on the table next to my bed and sling it at the red roses. They fall to the ground and the glass shatters everywhere. The breaking glass is a welcoming noise to my ears. Grabbing the nearest vase of flowers, I hurl them against the wall, too. The need to break everything in front of me is overwhelming. My arms are out of control launching shit everywhere. Will finally wraps me up to restrain me while a nurse puts something in my IV. Everything goes dark again.
A Week Later
I’m at my parents’ funeral in a wheelchair, heavily sedated from physical and mental pain. I told Tommie that Rhett’s parents weren’t welcome anywhere near me. My mind numb and my shell of a body sit in front of my parents’ dead bodies. Their dead, lifeless bodies. They had to beg for one car ride with their selfish, bitch of a daughter. One fucking car ride.
Chapter 3
Cinnamon Jolly Ranchers
4 Years Later
I hate the fucking dentist. But has that ever stopped me from chomping on hard candy? No! I knew this day was coming since Jolly Ranchers have been my drug of choice for years now. Damn ‘effin teeth and damn ‘effin dentists.
I’m spending the summer with Tommie and Will while I try to figure out what I’m going to do with the rest of my life. I recently earned my nursing degree from a college near my hometown, but in all honesty, I don’t know if I want to be a nurse. There are moments where I see myself saving Momma, and those precious moments drove me to be an ER nurse. If I’m telling the whole truth, I only went to college to appease my sister. She has tried to make everything normal in my life since graduation. Fact is, I hate college and the life I’m supposed to live. The only good thing that came from college was my best friend, Scarlett. She’s spending the summer with us.
I’m working with Tommie at her small animal vet clinic, and Scarlett is interning for the local CPA. She’s thrilled because I guess her boss is one hot piece of ass. I give her two more days before she’s boning him. Scarlett’s a slut and makes no apologies for it. It doesn’t matter if they are married, old, ugly, hot as hell or scrawny, if she’s feeling it, she does them. I live vicariously through her wild sex stories.
I broke my tooth this morning on a damn cinnamon Jolly Rancher. Will is a pediatrician and owns his own practice. He shares a large office suite with a dentist, so Will made an appointment with him.
Sitting here in the waiting room ready to pass out from fear, I realize I may just die from anxiety. Even as a young child I hated the dentist. I remember biting, kicking and screaming while my momma tried to hold me down in the chair. She bribed me with everything under the sun if I would just be good. The only thing that would calm my nerves was my momma. She would hold my hand and sing in my ear. Today that wasn’t an option. Tommie offered to come, but I told her that her singing skills suck ass, which I might add is very true. I begged Will just to knock my ass out with some strong drugs, but he said that it was illegal.
So, I sit here picking at my worn blue jeans. The hole on my upper thigh is getting rather large. I know I need a new pair of jeans, but I despise shopping, period. One pair of jeans and plenty of tees are good enough for me. I own a couple o
f pairs of shorts that I only wear in the privacy of my home. Life is very simple for me.
The piercing ding of the door opening draws my attention from nervously picking at my pants. I look up to see another patient entering the small waiting room. Panic sets in and I start to sweat. My name is going to be called any moment. Wringing my hands together, as the patient who just walked in plops down beside me. If I look up I may puke.
“Uh? You okay?” Comes a deep, dark voice that vibrated through my whole body.
I’m in no mood for small talk. The need to focus on not having a complete mental breakdown over getting a tooth fixed at the age of twenty-two is all but consuming me at the moment.
I look up and deep brown hair and olive skin with high-defined cheekbones are the first things I notice about him. Shaggy and messy hair all combine together to create a beautiful masterpiece. I look into the stranger’s deep dark brown eyes and completely freeze with a sensation of belonging. My eyes immediately are magnetized to his. A couple freckles lightly splatter the bridge of his nose. His body is tall and lean. The stranger’s a beautiful man. I know the word beautiful and man typically don’t go together, but he is completely beautiful. There’s a simple essence about him that makes my tummy flip. There is a force in the room that is dragging me to him.
Then my ever so brilliant mouth decides to work. “No, I’m scared shitless. I am twenty-two and believe all dentists are evil minions sent to do the devil’s work. I want my momma right now and I can’t have her.”
Tears fill my eyes before I realize it and try desperately to dry them and will them away forever. This is ridiculous. I’m an absolute emotional basket case, but I never share my craziness with anyone except Tommie and Scarlett. All the devastation and my irrational emotions have been bottled up inside me for years. Why now in a dentist office in front of a beautiful stranger am I going to lose my shit?
The kind, hot stranger just smiles.
“I can hold your hand if you want,” he suggests.
I start laughing out loud and duck my head to hide the amusement spreading over my face.
“You must think I’m crazy,” I whisper softly.
“I won’t lie, I think your theory about minions is a little crazy, but I’ll be honest, crazy is hot.”
My face fills with even more heat, and my tummy flips again. My insides cringe at this feeling. It only brings back awful, hated memories of love. This stranger is giving me a run for my money, and with a fake leg, I can’t run very damn fast these days.
“Thanks,” is all that leaves my lips.
An older, hefty dental hygienist opens the door and peers around the room. I’m now convinced everyone in the dental field are evil minions. This man is downright scary looking. “Tessa, Tessa Jones,” he booms out in a thick, gruff voice as his meat cleavers of hands grip the file folder. All the blood leaves my face and instant dizziness sets in. I’m going to die in this motherfucking dentist office today. My breathing is out of control until the stranger grabs my hand and pulls me towards the door.
“I’m with Tessa today, Hugh,” he replies as he marches his way back to a small cubical. In this very small cubical is all the terrifying equipment that is going to kill me. The stranger gently pushes me down into the chair. Immediately, I try to climb out of the chair.
“Sit down or I’ll sit on you,” he replies.
I refuse to listen to him and again try to get up from the chair. Within seconds, he plops down dead center in my lap. I mentally cringe and think out all the options of keeping him from touching my legs. Then in the middle of this scheme, I realize this beautiful stranger is sitting on my lap.
“Okay Tessa, it’s going down like this. You are getting your damn tooth fixed today without passing out on me. I happen to know the dentist very well. I know for sure he is not in cahoots with the devil. He’s my dad and is amazing at what he does.”
“My name is not Tessa. It is Tess,” is all I can manage to say.
Why is this man still here with me? Why isn’t he leaving? And most importantly, why the fuck is he still on my lap?
A tall, slender man walks around the corner. He’s a much older version of the stranger holding my hand. Holy Shit! The dentist offers me a warm smile and gives his son a quizzical look.
“One, what are you doing here, Finn? Two, how many times do I need to tell you to stay off my patient’s laps?”
“You see, Dad, we here have ourselves a big old chicken. She thinks you are going to do her in. I’m just offering up some comfort to the poor thing.”
“On her lap? Damn boy, thought I taught you better. Get up now.”
Finn. His name is Finn. He fits it to a tee.
Standing up, he continues to talk to his dad as his dad prepares some instruments.
“Originally I dropped by to talk to you about Granddaddy and my plans, but then Tess here filled me in on her theory of evil dentists. She damn near passed out when Hugh hollered her name. I promised her I would stay with her and that you weren’t evil.”
“Well, Tessa, I’m Dr. Evans, and I promise I will take good care of you today. Are you okay with my son in here with you?”
“Yes, sir. Do you have that laughy gas stuff? Can I get an IV that knocks me out? Your son isn’t shittin’ you. I hate dentists with a passion. No offense to you,” I say with a shaky voice as the tears yet again spill over onto my cheeks.
Heavy sobs escape from my chest. Yes, I’m currently ugly crying in front of two strangers. Finn grabs a tissue and starts drying my tears. There was something gentle and calming about these two men that force me to open up just a little to them. They don’t make me feel foolish, but I do need to pull it together before they have me committed.
“Yes, I do have laughing gas. We can use that if it makes you feel more comfortable. I need to go over your medical history with you.”
Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! I squeeze Finn’s hand tight. I don’t do this. I don’t talk, share, or explain. I just don’t. My doctors and specialists know me inside and out. They don’t make me relive my awful past.
“I am healthy as a horse, nothing to worry about,” I lie.
The thick, deep scar that runs from the bottom of my ear down to the center of my neck is on fire with embarrassment and feels like a flashing sign, calling me out as a liar. The tiny cubicle goes silent.
“Okay. I want to get a picture of your tooth. The good news is that we should be able to do everything here in the office today. Now, if you could open up and let me take a look.”
“Laughing gas first?” I manage to let out a little giggle with this pathetic request.
I was totally serious about being doped up with some laughing gas. Finn grabs a clear mask and cranks up a tank. Placing the mask over my nose, he then grabs my hand again. I watch his action and notice his dad shaking his head back and forth. I can’t tell if it is from amusement or disapproval. Either way, thank God for Finn.
“Get out of the way, rookie,” comes a familiar voice.
Meat clever hands guy settles in on the side opposite of the dentist.
Dr. Evans pries open my jaw and looks around for a minute. Starting to feel a little goofy and just a bit relaxed, I give myself a mental pat on the back.
“Dad, I think you should x-ray her instead of Hugh,” Finn whispers.
My hand grips his hand with more force at his gentle, caring words. Finn doesn’t let go for the next sixty-two minutes as his dad drills, fills and polishes my broken tooth.
If my torn jeans didn’t turn the man on then my gauze filled, slobbering mouth will be sure to do the trick. Half of my face is completely numb, and it feels like it’s dragging along on the floor. My lip feels the size of a banana. I try to say thank you to Finn and his father, but just ended up spewing saliva all over them. I wave at the handsome pair of men as I try to do a halfway sexy walk like the old Tess was a pro at doing. Pretty sure I’m nailing a doped up clown right now, but hell, at least I’m alive.
Cinnamon Jolly
Ranchers are evil bastards. I won’t lie. I am sure I will still be addicted to them, but less chomping on the little suckers for me. For shit sakes, I want to avoid the dentist office for the rest of my life. For the first time in a long time, I go to bed with a smile on my face and a man on my mind.
Finn. He was something else. I can’t quite put my finger on it. My heart is trying to convince me to let it beat again, but ignore it. Love isn’t for me. Fairy tales are lies and are only created to crush people.
***
The blaring music and stench of alcohol have never been a turn on for me even during my college days. But my dear best friend, Scarlett has managed to drag me out to the local bar tonight. She’s always lecturing me about starting to live my life instead of just surviving. “Tess you survived. Now step up to the freaking plate and start living your damn life!”
She’s out on the dance floor grinding with all sorts of strangers while I nurse a Corona. She loves to dance and loves to have sex even more. What I would give for just one tiny ounce of her carefree courage to live life to the fullest as a crazy, wild slut. She’s definitely my hero in disguise, in more than one way, with her crazy red hair and scandalous clothing and go get ‘em attitude. Scarlett is one epic woman. I have told her over and over that I was just going to follow her through life and be her built-in nanny or maid, so I wouldn’t have to face the cruel world alone.
The thumping pace of the music slows down and Mrs. Lauper’s voice permeates the hot, stale air of the bar. “Time After Time,” the most romantic song known to mankind. Dreaded tears start to pull at my eyes, being alone in the world just plain sucks and not having the courage to do anything about sucks even harder and sucks even bigger balls. I want to feel love again. The good kind of love. The Rhett kind of love. The kind that warms your tummy, tickles your toes and dances on your heart. I handily polish off my Corona at the awful thought of not ever being loved again.
American Honey Page 44