American Honey

by Heidi McLaughlin

  “He doesn’t have a girlfriend. Get back to your ‘fucking’ talk. I’m going to feed the pups and go to bed,” Will says, as he kisses my forehead and then goes over to Tommie.

  “Thank the shitting lord that talk was getting way too deep for me. I’m all for fucking,” Scarlett declares.

  I throw the rest of the popcorn bowl at her trying to hold back my giggles. She jokes about her whorish ways, but I know they do bother her. We all have our inner demons and addictions we struggle with and Scarlett’s are clear as day. She can make fun of my missing leg, but I always tell her, “Even sluts need a little lovin’.” So fucked up in so many ways.

  Will comes back into the house before heading to bed and gives me one final and very clear message. “If Finn wants you, he’ll have you or fight like hell to have you. Be ready to accept it or fight it the rest of your life, Tess. You couldn’t have picked a better man to be with.”

  “You mean, you couldn’t have picked a better man to fuck in a dirty closet at the G Spot,” Scarlett hollers back.

  “Go to bed,” Tommie finally demands. “We need our girl time.”

  Will gives me his best attempt at his ‘you better listen kid, this is serious shit’ look and I just nod back. One day, one lucky kid will feel the love of the best father to ever walk the earth. And they will truly have no idea what kind of gift they have been dealt.

  “So?” Tommie asks plopping down on the couch next to me.

  “So, what?” I counter with a raised eyebrow.

  “Are you going to do it?”

  Scarlett cuts in, “You mean are you going to do him again.”

  Chapter 5

  I Just Want Lunch

  “Going to lunch, Tommie, want anything?” I ask.

  “Yeah, grab me the special.”

  “Be back in fifteen and by fifteen I mean an hour,” I holler over my shoulder.

  It’s a daily routine. I go get us lunch and stay longer than needed reading my current book while the food gets cold and soggy. Tommie doesn’t bitch, and I get my kicks. Well, I did get my kicks the night before with Finn. Now any sex scene I read seems stale and unbelievable. What we did was nothing spectacular like stand on your head and get it in every hole, yet it was ten folds that.

  Something reached deep down in my soul and left a beautiful scar. I let Finn see and feel every part of me. The sensation of his hand gliding up my prosthetic and then onto my flesh is something I will never forget. I know Scarlett has seen my leg with and without the prosthetic on it, but never touched it or even asked to. Finn didn’t ask he just simply owned me. Every single ounce of me. He took it. I find myself being pissed off at him. It has been days since his dog has been neutered, the last time he’s seen me. His dog’s incisions have had time to heal properly, yet he has left me with a seeping open wound that finds itself festering day after day.

  “Two turkey avocado subs hot and one order of curly fries.”

  “Got it, Tess. How’s Tommie,” the older cashier asks.

  If she tells me one more time how Tommie saved her fucking cat, I may be forced to poke myself in the eyes with needles. You’d think ‘ol Tommie gave the cat mouth to mouth saving it from spending the rest of its eight lives in hell. No, she simply doctored it with antibiotics.

  “She’s great,” I reply, trying to mask all horror from my face.

  Simply, cat people creep me the fuck out.

  I nestle into a little corner with my mini iPad and Lyric. Yes, Lyric is my current book boyfriend of the day. It’s quite the perfect dark read for me. The last few reads have put me to sleep. Lyric is the last shot for me before I turn to crime thrillers. Who knows, I may just be the next legendary serial killer with a gimpy run. My getaway car better rival that of Batman’s to mask my limp. My last thought causes me to giggle out loud.

  “Your book that funny?” A familiar voice comes.

  Looking up, I see him. Finn, standing before me. Just like I remember from before. I immediately try to hide my leg, which holds all my open scars, under the table and then remember he’s been the only one to touch me.

  “Can I have a seat?” He asks.

  “No,” I quickly answer.

  Finn stares with no response.

  “What do you want from me? I surrender. You had me. Used me. Saw all of me. What else do you fucking want from me? I have no more to give.”

  Finn throws his hands up in the air. “I just want lunch and this is the only table with an open seat. Can I?”

  Looking around the room, I notice too quickly he’s absolutely right. Fuck! I think he wants me again and babies and the house, but the man just wants a fucking seat at the best deli in town. Got it, filed.

  “Yeah, whatever,” I reply.

  Finn takes a seat, just like he would with any BFF he’s known for years. Nothing like the girl he just ran his tongue all over days ago or made moan with pleasure. Nope. Just like any good old pal who was my reading buddy in first grade.

  “Whatcha doing?” He asks.

  I want to respond, “About to cream my pants because I can smell you and want to reach out and ravage you.”

  Instead, I reply, “What the fuck do you think I’m doing?”

  “Sitting.”

  “You’re an asshole,” I hiss.

  “Tess,” I hear Finn say.

  Looking up from my iPad, I see Finn looking straight at me. His eyes are piercing, and I hold on steadying myself for his words.

  “She’s not my girlfriend. It’s complicated. We were best friends growing up and then later on in our teenage years our parents pushed us together in high school and wanted to see our two families merge. It’s such a fucking appearance deal. Nothing else. Kara and I got pretty serious our senior year of high school. She left for college and I stayed, which was another shit storm. I broke it off with her, but it seems no one else has accepted it besides me.”

  “I know all this. Will explained it to me,” I whisper to him.

  “Then why are you so angry with me?”

  “I don’t know,” I mumble, hanging my head down.

  “Tess, tell me what the hell I did wrong then. The other night was the best night of my life,” Finn exclaims, slamming his hand down on the table.

  “Well, you must be talking about someone else because our night was twelve nights ago. That’s my freaking problem.”

  “Finn,” a squealing voice streams through the little restaurant.

  Looking up we both see Kara trotting over to the table.

  “Is your phone broke? I’ve tried calling you for days.

  As if the gods of love could sense the tension and angst filling the restaurant, the owner hollers out my name, indicating my order is ready.

  Standing to my feet, I respond to both of them, “By all means, have my seat, Kara. I’m leaving.”

  Walking away, it hurts. Hurts like hell because I do believe Finn, and I’d love to have a chance with him. Just one sliver of hope bubbles up inside me. Maybe and that’s a big maybe.

  ***

  “So, you saw him today and he basically said he likes you?” Scarlett asks.

  “Yes, but it’s all screwed up. He has a dog with her and their parents want them to get married and have kids and own the whole town.”

  “Wait, wait, wait. You act like he has bred with her and she’s spouted out their spawn from her pie hole. They are doggie parents. I don’t see the big deal.”

  “The big deal,” I wail. “The big ass deal is he is SUPPOSED to marry Kara.”

  “And he wants you,” Scarlett reminds me.

  “Fuck this shit,” I declare, throwing the remote across the living room floor.

  Hopping up from the couch, I spot Will and Tommie in the entryway.

  “We are going out. I’m sick of this. I always feel like I’m being punished. I want to live and live is what I’m going to do. More precisely, I’m going to go dancing at the G Spot until my legs can’t move anymore.”

  “You don’t have to tell
me twice,” Scarlett pipes up.

  As we both rush out of the living room into my room, I hear Will, “Be home by midnight girls, no drugs and don’t talk to any strangers.”

  The sound of Tommie slapping his chest and the two giggling at his comment makes me smile and almost makes me feel normal again.

  “Shorts?” Scarlett asks, holding up a little white pair.

  “Nope.”

  Tossing them back in her suitcase she lives out of she tries again. “Mini skirt?”

  “Nope.”

  “You stubborn asshole. You are gorgeous, Tess. Dress up a bit with me.”

  “I can do a bit. Jeans, this white blingy, black tank top and my Toms.”

  “Whoa, pardoner! Don’t overdo it. Jesus, I mean really tone it down, Slutty Sarah.”

  “I’m doing tight on top and bottom and throwing in some bling with this tank, so suck it bitch.”

  “I’ll give you that, I guess. Hair and makeup is mine,” Scarlett declares.

  “Fine.”

  I’ve kept my hair a dull brown that hangs halfway down my back. Messy buns and headbands are my best friends. Scarlett always begs to do my hair and on rare occasions, I let her have her fun with it, but only to stay in the dorms and study. Scarlett, too, has long, brown hair. The only difference is hers is always shiny, well colored with highlights and done to a tee. I swear the girl can wake up with it in perfect condition. She has her bump and back comb down to a science. The girl can fix up like no other.

  “Hold still. Just a couple more sprays of this shining oil,” Scarlett growls, as she continues to plaster the finishing touches on my hair.

  I’ll never admit to her, but damn the girl can work magic. She has my dull locks shined up and placed perfectly. Her signature bump has it going on the top of my head, with my bangs pulled back and a side braid trailing over my shoulder. She finished her work with a turquoise and white beaded headband wrapped around my forehead. She’s also bathed me in a fine, smelly, glittery body spray. Like I said, I’ll never admit how magical she is, and I’ll also never tell anyone, deep down, I sure do hope I get the chance to run into Finn tonight.

  “These, please?” Scarlett asks one final time, holding up the little white pair of shorts again.

  “Not a fucking chance. This glitter and shiny hair are about enough to put me over the edge.”

  “You are such a liar,” she counters.

  “Am not. My skin is crawling.”

  “Yeah, crawling with delight. I saw you checking yourself out in the mirror. You’re hot and you know it. Now, let’s go flaunt it. I’m horny as fuck tonight.”

  “Let’s go,” I say between giggles.

  The girl can read me like an open book. She’s right, I’m hot, and I feel hot. Will and Tommie are eating their takeout pizza as we enter the room. Will nearly chokes at the sight of us and Tommie lets out an audible gasp.

  “What?” I ask.

  “It smells like a whorehouse in here,” Will says.

  Tommie elbows him in the gut and begins to talk, “You. You look. Dammit, I’m sorry. You look like the Tessa, I remember. Well, your hair is a little different, but you look beautiful and kind of happy.” Tommie finishes as the tears start to stream down both her cheeks.

  “Oh, good gravy, she’s just going out to either A, make Finn jealous or B, get nailed in the closet again,” Scarlett pipes, as she snags a slice of pizza from the box.

  My stomach is too nervous to eat, but as if in slow motion, I watch the only family I know sit around and laugh about the old Tess coming out to play while eating pizza. It warms my heart to hear and see this all play out before me, and at the same time it breaks the already shattered pieces of it again and again. Over and over in slow motion. Once a heart is put back together the only thing left to do is shattered it again and again. I need to remember my lesson. It was taught to me years ago.

  “Tess. Tessss,” Tommie’s voice drags me from my thoughts.

  “Yeah?”

  “You okay, sweetie?” She asks.

  “Great,” I lie between my teeth.

  The answer isn’t completely a lie. I’m great, but scared to death, intimidated by Kara, head over heels for Finn and terrified of the outcome.

  Tommie makes her way to me and wraps me up.

  “Don’t make me cry, asshat,” I warn her.

  “I’m not. I just want to tell you something, Tessa. I’m so proud of you. I don’t care what happens tonight or if things work or don’t work out with Finn. Just bring back that Tess Tickle Sparkle that Daddy always bragged about. He loved you. Momma loved you. Will and I love you. Get your sparkle back. I’ll have four slices of pizza waiting for us in the fridge tomorrow morning just the way Momma always did on pizza nights. Two pieces wrapped and put on separate plates for us. Scooby-Doo plate for me and Smurfette for you. Make me proud, little sis.”

  “Can you trampettes get your asses out of my house. You’re stinking it up,” Will yells.

  “Ahh, kiss my culo,” I holler back to Will.

  “Be good, girls.” Are the last words we hear as we slam the door and make it to my truck.

  “They really do love you, Tess. You should let go of all your fears,” Scarlett says.

  “I know. Now, let’s get our Miranda Lambert on, biotch.”

  Cranking up the radio, I drive carefree and happy-ish to the G Spot. I’m at the point in my life, whatever will happen will happen. Hearts are made to be broken, and you’ll never know if the person is really worth the fight until you pour every ounce of your soul into them. I’m ready.

  Walking into the G Spot, I remember why pants and a hot Iowa night is not a good combo. It’s beyond humid and hot in the crowded bar with bodies everywhere. Some standing, others sitting and some already drunken girls grinding on each other on the dance floor to Jason Aldean is the scene that lies before us. They definitely know what they are doing as a quite large crowd of men are giving them plenty of attention with catcalls and stares.

  “Shots now,” I yell in Scarlett’s ear.

  As soon as the words leave my lips, I see him. Finn is in the group of guys admiring the girls on the dance floor. I’m not quite fast enough, and we lock eyes. Scarlett pulls me away before I make too big of a fool of myself.

  “What do you want?” She hollers, as I scramble back trying to find Finn in the crowd.

  The sea of bodies are too much, and the sight of him is gone. I’m sure by now he’s in the closet with one of the girls from the dance floor.

  “Holy shit,” I holler.

  “What?”

  Grabbing Scarlett by the elbow and dragging her down, I begin to holler, “One of those girls on the dance floor was Kara. Finn was there watching her.”

  Scarlett seems amused by the story and something beyond me has her really intrigued.

  “Did you hear a word I said? Finn’s here and watching Kara,” I try yelling over the music

  “I hear you. What shot do you want?” She asks with a wicked smile and an odd eye twitch.

  Scarlett thinks she can wink, but really she looks like the entire right side of her face is spazzing, but it never stops her.

  “I don’t see him anymore. They are probably back in our closet and I’m sure he’s dragging that tongue of his up her legs,” I scream trying to make Scarlett understand how very pissed off I am at the whole situation.

  In this moment, I know I’ve fucked something up. Scarlett begins to mouth the word “abort” our signal word to abort mission and begins to wave her hand at her neck the second signal to shut the fuck up immediately.

  “She wants a Copper Camel shot and then a crown and coke. You in too?”

  Turning, I see Finn standing right behind me pointing at Scarlett waiting for her to agree on the drink order.

  “Um, sure, that’ll be great,” she barely squeaks out before running for the bathroom.

  Finn grabs me by the hips and turns me to face the bar again. I can feel every single part of him as he press
es against me. His scent instantly invades my nostrils. From the quick glimpse of him I got, it looks like he just jumped off the tractor and headed in for a beer. Loose jeans, white tee and a ballcap with his long scruffy hair hanging out of.

  “What were you saying about my tongue?” He asks, as he drags his tongue from the base of my neck to the back of my ear.

  His hands move from my hips to the front of my stomach, he uses them to pull me back into him. My ass doesn’t miss a beat and begins to grind on him to the music while we wait to order.

  “I WILL only be going into that closet with you. Do you hear me?” Finn hisses in my ear.

  I slowly nod my head up and down as I continue to move my hips in circles against the front of him. Finn grabs both of my arms, raising them above my head and settling them on the back of his neck. My hands instantly clasp and my body enjoys the feel of him everywhere.

  “Hey, dickweed, what can I get you? “

  Finn raises his head and chuckles. “Two Copper Camels and three crown and cokes, asshole. Oh hey, this is Tess. Tess, this is my bastard of a brother, Wes.”

  “Hi,” I barely squeak out ready to die from embarrassment.

  Instantly, I try to free my hands that have glued to Finn, but he stops me. I try to step away to allow some air to flow between us, but he just gets closer.

  “I’m not letting go,” he whispers in my ear.

  “Where did your smoking friend with the huge tits go?” Wes hollers, as he makes the drinks.

  “Sorry, he’s a bit vulgar, Tess,” Finn offers.

  Spinning around in his arms, I say, “Well then you’ve no idea how perfect he and my friend with big tits are for each other.”

  Once again we find ourselves drowning in the pool of people, music and humidity. The words of a song about being hard to love swirl around in the air. Finn hasn’t once looked away from my face.

  “I’m going to kiss you right here and right now,” he whispers to me.

  “I’m not going anywhere,” I say stealing his words from earlier.

  I watch, memorizing the look on his face and every single one of his features burn me as he lowers himself to me. One of my hands holds his face, preparing me for the feel of his skin on me again. It’s only been days, but feels like years since Finn has been on me.