Butterflies in May

by Karen Hart

  I think Webster’s Dictionary should add, under the definition for “ambivalence,” something about giving up your baby for adoption. Giving up your baby creates powerfully ambivalent feelings—it’s probably the most selfless and the most selfish thing I’ve ever done, and it ignites a tug of war within me. My brain assures me that Jonah is where he belongs, but my heart makes me question myself for days. One morning, I’m having a really hard time. My brain and my heart can’t stop bickering, and sometimes they switch sides. My brain, for instance, argues that Jonah would be better off with me because I am his biological mother. Then, my heart insists that this is about love, and Jonah deserves two parents who love him, not one.

  The only peace I get is when I remember the dream I had that first night in the hospital, when Jonah turned into a dove and flew away, leaving me surrounded by butterflies. My heart assures me this was a sign, plain and simple, but my brain insists it was only a silly dream that didn’t mean anything. So I pray for another sign that I did the right thing. My brain points out that I’m being a hypocrite because I hardly ever pray and never believed in signs before, but my heart cheers me on. I ask my brain to please shut up.

  Later that same day, I’m at the bookstore in town with my dad. He’s looking for a travel guide to take along on vacation. I wander around the store, and before I know it, I’m standing in the aisle lined with baby books. There in front of me is a book of baby names. I page through until I find Jonah’s name, and there it is—a sign—on page 145.

  Jonah: From the Hebrew “Yonah,” meaning dove.

  I see Matt once after I give up Jonah, and that’s so he can sign the papers the attorney had given me at the court house. I meet him at Vincent’s while he’s on break. He looks really good.

  I say, “Hi.”

  And he says, “Hi.”

  Then we walk to the bank across the street from Vincent’s so he can have the papers signed and notarized. The notary is a woman with short brown hair and a big sunny smile, but when she looks over the papers, she becomes more serious. Matt doesn’t bother to read the papers. He just signs his name, and then the notary adds her signature and seal.

  Afterward, we go outside to a bench in front of Vincent’s, and we sit there and look at each other.

  “How are you doing?” he asks.

  “Okay. . . I’m going to Northwestern this fall.”

  “Great.” We look at each other for a minute, and then he says, “I got the full scholarship to Pratt, so I’m going there.”

  “Oh, that’s great.” I’m happy for him. “Well. . .” I say, standing up.

  “Ali. . .”

  “Yeah?”

  “What does he look like?”

  “He looks like you,” I say, and thinking of Jonah makes me smile. “He’s really beautiful. I have a picture for you.” I wasn’t sure I’d give it to him, but since he asked, I pull it from my purse.

  Matt studies it carefully and smiles, then slips it into his shirt pocket, right next to his heart. We stand there, looking at each other. I want to tell Matt that I still love him—maybe I always will—and that I don’t regret anything. After all, we made this beautiful baby together. But then a woman and her daughter walk by and sit on a bench next to us, and Matt says he has to get back to work.

  “See you around,” I say, starting to leave, but Matt reaches for my arm.

  The next thing I know, he’s hugging me tightly, and I know I’ll remember that moment forever. With the sun shining down on us in the middle of the afternoon, anyone watching would think we were two young people who didn’t have a care in the world. I’m the first to let go, but I know I’ll never love anyone else exactly the way I loved Matt.

  Epilogue

  Five Months Later

  The campus is practically deserted. It’s homecoming weekend, and almost everyone is at the football game. Melissa, my roommate, invited me to come along with a group of friends, but I told her I had too much work to do. I’ve been at the library most of the afternoon, working on a paper that’s not due for another month. The truth is, I just want to be alone.

  Today, Theodore Jonah Gardner is five months old, and giving him up is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. The other hard part— the part I hadn’t thought about before—was coming to terms with my decision. I never thought I was the kind of person who would give away my baby.

  The first six weeks were awful. When my milk came in, my breasts were so hard and engorged that I wondered if God was punishing me. But a nurse told me that happens to all new mothers. When my milk dried up, the pain in my breasts went away. Still, I don’t think the pain of giving away a child will ever go away completely.

  Is it right to give your baby away? I don’t know. Ms. Connor once told me that all you can do is make the best decision you can at the place where you are. I think about that a lot.

  After I gave the baby to the Gardners, my parents and I went on a vacation. Dad rented a condo in Gulf Shores for two weeks. I went for long walks on the beach and thought about the baby, Matt, and my life. Then one morning, I woke up, and giving up my baby wasn’t the first thing I thought about any more. When we came home from vacation, a letter from Ellen Gardner was waiting for me.

  Dear Ali,

  Thank you for a miracle of love and the chance at being a mother. Teddy’s arrival has enriched our lives and made us a family.

  We named him after his grandfather, Theodore, but Tom and I call him Teddy. In Hebrew, Theodore means “gift of God,” and he is that to Tom and me. We kept Jonah as his middle name because we know you and Matt picked that name with love and care, and we want Teddy to always remember that.

  The day Tom and I met Teddy in your hospital room was the most beautiful, magical moment of our life. We loved him so much at that moment that we couldn’t possibly imagine loving him more than that. But each day we find ourselves loving Teddy even more, and each day, Tom and I are filled with gratitude and wonder for the gift of this child. God bless you always and know that you made our dream of having a family come true.

  Love, Ellen

  Inside the letter was a picture of Teddy. He has dark hair, blue eyes, and a big gummy smile that proves I did the right thing. He’s the most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen. I keep his photo inside a box in my desk at school, and every once in a while, when Melissa’s not there, I take it out and study it.

  I used to think that everything in my life was just some coincidence, but Teddy changed all that. Last year, getting pregnant seemed like a terrible mistake. But when I look at his picture, it’s hard to think of him as a mistake. How can a baby as beautiful as Teddy be a mistake?

  When I get back to the dorm, I check my mailbox. There’s a thick pink envelope from Monica. As I walk up the three flights to my room, I open it. I can hear the phone ringing as I let myself in.

  “Hello?”

  “Finally!” Monica says on the other end of the line. “I’ve been trying to call you all afternoon. Are you okay? I know Teddy’s five months old today. . . and I know it’s still hard for you.”

  “Yeah, it is,” I say. Monica always remembers. I haven’t told anyone here about Teddy. I wanted to make a fresh start, but with my best friend, it’s different. Monica is at the University of Illinois in Champaign-Urbana, which is three hours away. She hasn’t declared a major yet, but she’s taking a class in fashion retailing. We still talk several times a week. “What’s new with you?” I ask, looking through the pictures she sent. They’re photos of me and her at the lake, the week before we both left for school.

  “Kyle and I broke up.”

  “What happened?” They’d been so serious all summer.

  “We just decided to take a break. He hasn’t been calling as much. . . and, well, there are a lot of cute guys here at school.”

  I don’t know what to say.

  “Say something,” Monica says.

  “I’m just surprised.”

  “I’m only eighteen, and it’s kind of weird dating my br
other.”

  “Stepbrother,” I say, and we both laugh.

  “Any cute guys at Northwestern?” Monica asks. “Besides Kyle, that is?”

  I grin. Some things about Monica never change. “I haven’t had time to notice.”

  “What?”

  “I’m too busy.”

  “C’mon, Ali. There must be at least one cute guy there.”

  “Okay. There is one. . . Ethan. . . He’s a sophomore.” I met him the first week of school in my Intro-to-Journalism class. “He invited me to a party tonight.”

  “So go.”

  “I don’t know.” I’m not ready, at least I don’t think so. But last week, I called a clinic near campus and made an appointment to discuss birth control. Next time (not that I can even imagine it right now) I want to be prepared. I told Ethan I was busy, but we exchanged phone numbers and e-mail addresses, and he told me to let him know if I changed my mind. I decide not to tell Monica any of this right now. She’ll read too much into it.

  “Look, he didn’t ask you to marry him. He just invited you to a party.”

  “I know.”

  “Ali, it’s been five months. You can’t shut out the world for the rest of your life. Unless. . .”

  “What?”

  “Never mind.”

  “Just say it.”

  “Are you still in love with Matt?”

  Before I have a chance to answer, Melissa bursts in the room with three of her friends. They’re so loud it’s impossible to talk on the phone.

  “What’s going on?” Monica asks.

  “Nothing. Can I call you back later?”

  “Sure.”

  In all of Monica’s pictures, we’re just goofing around. But the last one is a picture of me, a close-up, that I didn’t want her to take. And there, on the right side of the picture next to my head, is a flutter of wings, slightly blurred and so small I almost missed it. But when I really look at it, I realize what it is—a butterfly.

  Melissa’s friends are still in our room when I go for a run before dinner. After I had the baby, I started running to lose the extra weight I’d gained, and now I’m hooked. When I go outside, my feet hit the pavement, and I take off. I’m still thinking about what Monica said. Before leaving for school, I asked Aunt Laura if you ever get over your first love. She got this dreamy look in her eyes and said, “You never forget your first love, Ali. But you can get over him, and you will.”

  The sun is starting to fade, but I’m still running, moving so fast my feet don’t seem to be touching the ground. At this very moment, I’m sure I must be flying. The wind is in my hair, and I don’t ever want to stop. I’ve been waiting forever to feel like this. I’m ready to face the future. After all, there’s not much you can do about the people you leave behind. When I turn a corner, I run into Ethan.

  “Hey,” he says and stops.

  “Hey yourself,” I call, but I’m not about to slow down yet. I reach out to touch his arm as I pass by. “Race you,” I say, flashing a smile. I’m down the block and across a street before Ethan comes to his senses and sprints after me. I can hear him behind me, and I wonder if he’ll ever catch up.

  Chances are he will, if only because I’ll throw myself onto the patch of green grass up ahead. Above us will be that beautiful maple tree with the rich, buttery leaves.

  Acknowledgements

  Many thanks to my publisher and editor, Bruce Bortz, for his encouragement and support and for taking a chance on a first-time novelist. Most of all, I thank him for believing in this book and stepping up to the plate to prove it. I also want to thank Carolyn Der at Ban-croft Press for her discerning eye and for comments and suggestions that improved this book in its final form.

  Grateful thanks to Madelon Matile for discussing the details of teenage pregnancy with me, for inviting me into her classroom, and for introducing me to several young women who generously shared their stories. Many thanks to adoption attorney, Sara Howard, and also to Vicki Osborn at Bethany Christian Services for taking the time to explain the adoption process in Illinois. A special thanks to everyone at Planned Parenthood, especially Beth Levine, Victoria Heckler, Elizabeth Talmont, and Lorie Spear for their insight and guidance.

  And last, but certainly not least, a heartfelt thanks to the following people: my husband, Gary, and my sons, Daniel and Davis, for their love and endless support; my incredibly gifted friend, Imara, for her special guidance and counsel; my forever friend and perennial first reader, Jennifer McCarthy Jurgensmeyer, who has helped me with countless drafts; the other early readers of this book, Karen Hickam and Audrey Freidman, who helped in the very beginning when the idea for this book was just taking hold; and my parents, Warner and Ruth Negley, who taught me never to lose sight of my dreams.

  About the Author

  Karen Hart began writing as a teenager. She wrote for her high school newspaper and later majored in journalism at Illinois State University, where she also wrote for the campus newspaper, The Daily Vidette.

  Since then, Hart has had more than 20 years of experience as a creative and technical writer and editor. She has worked in both corporate communications and public relations, developing a variety of award-winning media and publications, including magazines, newsletters, brochures, and videos. Most recently, she has worked on freelance writing projects, and magazines, such as Sonoma Family-Life and Enlightened Woman, have published her articles.

  The seed of inspiration for Butterflies in May began forming in high school, but later took hold after the birth of her first son. Though she was a teenager a long time ago, she believes that some things—like first love, relationships, heartbreak, and letting go—never change.

  She’s currently working on a new novel, The Colour of Love, as well as a book about dreams with noted American psychic, Imara. Hart resides in Santa Rosa, CA with her husband, Gary, and two sons.

  Additional Praise for Karen Hart’s

  Butterflies in May

  “As an educator and therapist, I’ve had the privilege of entering the world of those who feel lost—overpowered and overwhelmed by choices and consequences. Butterflies in May tells such a story as Ali Parker makes a difficult journey to discover answers that’ll satisfy the integrity of her heart. It’s a book about finding courage and strength in the face of sorrow and loss. It’s also about the sacrificial gift of love that heals not just one heart, but many hearts.”—LLOYD FRITZ, EDUCATOR AND MARRIAGE FAMILY THERAPIST, SANTA ROSA, CA

  “Karen Hart’s Butterflies in May is a compelling coming of age novel, and a captivating and frank new book. In this moving story of a young woman facing the dilemma of an unintended pregnancy, the author beautifully captures the emotions of first love, the roller-coaster ride of emotions when facing the dilemma of an unintended pregnancy, and the feelings evoked when romantic ideals clash with the realities of the ultimate decision. Hart’s depictions of parents, friends, as well as health care providers are vividly drawn and are presented in a balanced and insightful manner. By presenting the kaleidoscope of complex emotions that surface as life-shaping choices are made, the book offers parents and teens a wonderful opportunity to talk and share, through book clubs, classrooms, and drama productions, and as a teaching tool in a number of community settings.”—DR. CLAIRE D. BRINDIS, PROFESSOR OF PEDIATRICS AND HEALTH POLICY, UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA AT SAN FRANCISCO

  “Butterflies in May is a poignant novel that captures so many of the issues associated with teen pregnancy—adolescent sexual development, romantic relationships, reproductive rights, reproductive services for teens, family relationships, educational demands, and planning for the future. The reader accompanies the novel’s main character, Ali Parker, through many of the decisions and emotions she faces after learning she is pregnant, as well as the emotions and reactions of her boyfriend, best friend, and family. Author Karen Hart thus creates a perfect resource for educators to use with youth, parents, and professionals who work with young people. The opportunities for critical discussio
n about the key issues and values appear on almost every page. Short of shadowing a pregnant teen through her pregnancy, there is no better way to find out what it’s like to be a teenager faced with an unplanned pregnancy.”—LORI A. ROLLERI, MSW, MPH, SENIOR PROGRAM MANAGER, ETR ASSOCIATES, A NATIONAL NON-PROFIT ORGANIZATION THAT CONDUCTS ADOLESCENT REPRODUCTIVE HEALTH RESEARCH, TRAINING, AND PROGRAM DEVELOPMENT, SANTA CRUZ, CA

  “Butterflies in May soars right into the hearts of young and old readers alike. It takes you into an unparalleled journey through the life of an expectant teenager. Author Karen Hart does an exceptional job of pulling you right into the mind of an adolescent faced with a life altering decision: whether to have an abortion, keep her newborn, or give her baby up for adoption. Butterflies in May made me feel as if I was Ali (the expectant teenager). I got a better understanding of what it would be like if I were to become pregnant. With that information, I believe I’m even better equipped to teach my PSI (Postponing Sexual Involvement) class to pre-teens, who are curious about sex. I will definitely be using Butterflies in May as a teaching tool. This book is a must have for all families because it opens up channels of discussion. Butterflies in May has broken the chains of silence that have held this topic (teenage pregnancy) captive for years.”—CRYSTALYN THOMASDAVIS, PSI TEEN LEADER, WALNUT HILLS HIGH SCHOOL ‘07, CINCINNATI, OH

  “Butterflies in May depicts a very honest and heart wrenching story of the life, decisions, and relationships of a pregnant teenager. The uncertainty that Ali experiences regarding her choices in pregnancy and her accompanying feelings are so true to life. As a case manager at a home for pregnant teens, I see this situation with every girl who walks through our door. Karen Hart creates a wonderful story that can help any pregnant teen realize that what she is feeling and experiencing regarding her pregnancy is normal and felt by many who are in the same situation.”—COURTNEY SMITH, CASE MANAGER AT BRIDGEWAY, A HOME FOR PREGNANT TEENS, LAKEWOOD, CO