Come What May (Heartbeat)

by Sullivan, Faith

  “It’s not every day you make the front page.” He scrutinizes the newspaper as he hovers above me. I can’t tell if he’s being sarcastic or not.

  “Yeah, for all the wrong reasons.” I wince. All of this talking is doing nothing to alleviate the pain in my face.

  “Are you okay?” His eyes pierce mine. There’s no doubt he’s concerned about me. He just has one hell of a way of expressing it. But I’m sick of arguing with him.

  “Not really. Especially when I heard we’re supposedly headed to North Carolina.” He drops his gaze and actually looks guilty.

  “Oh yeah, about that…” He takes the seat next to mine, pulling it closer.

  “Sorry, but I’m not going.” Carefully, I pat my cheek to make sure the bandage is still in place. He watches my every movement. He raises his hand to touch mine, but I swat it away. “Don’t think you can play me, Adam. It’s not going to work. You went too far this time.”

  “I wanted to tell Talbot what really happened. That’s why I called him at home last night. But when he answered, he wouldn’t let me get a word in edgewise. It’s like he had it all figured out and he just wanted me to say yes to everything and shut my mouth.” I’m sure what Adam’s telling me is pretty close to what actually occurred. Talbot probably talked to his lawyer about how to handle everything. And his main concern is damage control. He’s taking us out of the picture until things calm down.

  “But that still doesn’t explain how he knew about your brother’s damn wedding.” He’s running circles around me with his logic, but there are too many holes in his story. It’s not holding up under scrutiny. He’s just lucky he didn’t get questioned more thoroughly by the cops.

  “He asked if I was taking a vacation this summer. He thought it’d be a good idea to take one now. I mentioned Brian’s wedding in the Outer Banks, and he jumped all over that. He even offered to pay for the hotel.” Adam scratches the back of his neck clearly uncomfortable with the proposition.

  “And you had to tell him I was your date?” Way to go, asshole. Thanks for dragging me into your masquerade.

  “Jada, I can’t go to that wedding without you. I realize it’s a lot to ask, especially after all that’s gone down…” He reels back in his chair when I slap him soundly across the face. “What the…?”

  “How dare you, Adam! I’m so sick of you feeling sorry for yourself. First, it’s your nightmares about a girl you didn’t even know. Then, it’s dealing with your surly attitude because you’re mad at the world over something that was beyond your control. And now, it’s finding out about your illegitimate child and how you have to make a pretend appearance at your baby mama’s wedding in order to pass the kid off as your brother’s. It’s too much.” Shoving myself away from the table, my chair clatters to the floor. But I keep moving as the tears begin to fall. I have enough shit of my own to deal with. I don’t need his on top of everything else, especially when he doesn’t even love me.

  I’m almost out of the kitchen when he grabs me by the arm, spinning me around. He brings me in for an embrace, but I crush my fists against his chest as I break down. The sobs are shaking my entire body, and then I just let go and fall into his arms. Gently, he strokes my hair, pushing it away from the bandage.

  “Jada, what I did was unforgivable. I hate myself for putting you in any kind of danger. I’m your partner. My job is to keep you safe, and I failed. Not only that, but I’m lying to everyone around me about what really happened. But I’m not going to lie to you. I smoked a joint and had a few beers a couple of hours before our shift. There’s no way I was capable of driving. I wasn’t even sure I was able to carry that man downstairs. I put everyone’s lives at risk. It was idiotic and immature. But I’m not in the clear, not by a long shot.” His chest rises and falls as he exhales against me.

  “What do you mean?” My voice is hoarse, but I manage to get the words out.

  “Chuck is the one who sold me the weed. He knows, and he’s not going to make my life any easier.” His grip on me tightens, and suddenly I’m afraid for him.

  “What can he do to you? Adam, just confess to Talbot and it’s all over.” He draws away from me at the suggestion, and that nagging sensation in the pit of my stomach resurfaces.

  “I need this job, Jada. If I tell Talbot, I’ll have a criminal record. No ambulance company will ever hire me. But it’s not just about the money. I’m not capable of doing anything else. Saving lives is the only thing I’m good at. It’s who I am.” He’s pleading with me to understand, but how many lives is he saving by acting like this? And it’s not the first time. The image of him standing in Wal-Mart like a deer in headlights as Wesley choked on that piece of candy runs through my mind.

  “I’ll go along with this on one condition.” The only way I can help him is through coercion. It’s the sole leverage I have over him at the moment. I have to play it to my advantage. But not only that, it’s about all of the people he can endanger by remaining on the job. And that thought provokes me to act.

  “Anything, Jada. I’ll do anything.” His eyes light up like he’s won. But I’m not through with him yet.

  “You’re gonna seek help for your problem. It’s not just about Katie dying in your arms. It runs much deeper than that. I think her death triggered something in you that you were failing to suppress. You never got over that guy drowning in the riptide. You ran away from California, but you carried it with you. You’re broken inside, Adam. You need to deal with it, or it’s going to destroy you. And I’m afraid of how many innocent people you’re going to take down with you.” It’s like a storm cloud has passed over his face. He’s quiet for a minute. His jaw is tight. I may have overstepped my bounds, but he needed to hear it from someone. He has to wake up and get off this path toward self-destruction. And if I’m the one who has to level with him, then so be it.

  “I told you. I went for counseling. It didn’t work.” He’s tense as he practically spits the words at me. But I don’t flinch.

  “It doesn’t have to be a counselor, but you have to talk to somebody. Even if you go fishing with Charlie once a week—you have to get this out of your system once and for all so you can finally move on. You have to stop hating yourself because there’s a pretty decent guy in there somewhere. You have so much to offer the world. I’ve seen it.”

  Not even realizing what I’m doing, my hand strays to his face while I’m talking. He leans into my palm, closing his eyes. We’re both so broken. It’s up to us to heal each other. No one else can truly understand where we’re coming from. We’re too interconnected now. His anguish is mine, and my burdens are his. We’re in this together until the end.

  He opens his eyes and I’m seeing the real Adam, the one he keeps buried inside—the frightened boy who’s terrified that he let someone die. The young kid harboring the unjust responsibility of balancing life and death.

  “Okay, Jada. I’ll try.”

  That’s all I need to hear.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Adam

  It’s a little after nine o’clock in the morning when we cross the Pennsylvania border into Maryland. We’re into the third hour of our ten-hour road trip, and I’m already antsy. This is shaping up to be one long ass day.

  I look over at Jada. She’s usually a morning person, but she’s slouched down with her head against the window. She dozed off a while back. The Neon has the most uncomfortable seats imaginable and her back is going to be sore when she wakes up. I still can’t believe she agreed to come with me.

  But I’m holding up my end of the bargain. I called Charlie before we left and arranged to meet him for breakfast when we got back. He sounded surprised but happy to hear from me. He asked how I was doing, and for the first time I told him the truth. I didn’t give him a glib answer or try to brush him off. I admitted that I was struggling. I allowed myself to spin out of control, and I needed help putting on the brakes before things got any worse.

  Charlie gave me some sound advice. After all, he h
as decades of experience as a paramedic. He knows how quickly someone can get screwed up. We deal with life and death on a daily basis. It begins to take a toll, no doubt about it. But what he was curious about was why I called. Why now? I related my conversation with Jada and how she recommended that I reach out him. He chuckled and said I was lucky to have her as my partner. I couldn’t agree more.

  There’s going to be a lot going down this weekend. Coming face to face with Kelly for the first time since we slept together is going to be hard. I have no idea how I’ll react. She’s carrying my child. I’m bound to feel some kind of undeniable connection to her. But do I play it cool and not even acknowledge the fact that it’s mine? Does she expect me to act right from the start that it’s Brian’s? Deep down inside, it makes me kind of sad. Whatever ties I have to this baby will be severed before it’s even born. It’ll never know that I’m its father.

  And I dread facing my brother. We’ve had practically no communication since he found out what Kelly and I did. I stabbed him in the back. And now he’s going to have to raise a living, breathing reminder of that betrayal. Will he really be able to love this baby? I don’t completely understand his reasoning for marrying Kelly. Supposedly, he’s going through with it because the baby is mine. He considers it his duty since I’m sure as hell not going to marry her. I forced his hand into doing something he really doesn’t want to do or he would’ve proposed to her a long time ago. There’s no way we can be what we once were to each other.

  I’ve lost so much in all of this—Brian, my unborn child, a future with Jada. The list keeps piling up. One stupid act has cost me so much. All because I couldn’t get my head together over a girl I know more as a ghost than a flesh and blood person. Her influence over my life is staggering. It’s like she’s directing my course and I’m powerless to stop her. I’ve never felt so out of control, so dangerous. I don’t want to be the guy who hurts the people he loves in order to get whatever the hell he wants. My one driving need is to fill this hole Katie left in my heart. But I’ve gone about it the wrong way. It’s time to start making amends before it’s too late.

  Jada stirs beside me. Making the effort, I pull myself away from dwelling on my problems and concentrate on her. “Sleep well?” I ask as she massages the crick in her neck.

  “Yeah, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m usually not so groggy in the morning.” She stretches her arms and lowers the visor to check her reflection in the mirror. She groans as she examines her face. “Your family’s going to think you brought a freak of nature instead of a date.”

  My heart does a funny sort of hiccup. Did she say date? Does she think this is a date? Something inside me stirs, but I push it back. I need to focus on reassuring her that she looks great. I know she’s self-conscious about the burn. It’s up to me to bolster her confidence. This can’t be easy for her to have to face a bunch of strangers when she’s not at her best.

  “That’s really great that you’re able to take the bandage off now. It’s coming along.” I’m a guy. I don’t know the right words to say. I wonder if that was good enough.

  “The doctor said I’m still not able to cover it with makeup which sucks. Adam, you’ll certainly make an impression escorting the girl with the dual-colored face.” She sticks out her tongue and flips up the visor.

  I reach over and give her shoulder a squeeze. It’s tricky because I’m the one who put her in this predicament. If I didn’t drive the ambulance while under the influence of drugs and alcohol, she wouldn’t be burned. If I didn’t convince her to come to this wedding, she wouldn’t have to endure the stares and whispers surrounding her injury. I am quite possibly her worst nightmare. And yet, here she is, sitting next to me. I seriously don’t deserve her.

  “I can’t control how other people are going to react, but any time you start to feel uneasy, come and stand next to me, okay?” It’s not enough, but it’s the best I can do.

  “Adam, am I going to be the only person of color there?” Her brown eyes widen with sudden comprehension. “I am, aren’t I?”

  “Well…” I begin, but I don’t know where to start.

  “Damn it, Adam. It’s going to be awkward enough looking like this. Why didn’t you tell me?” She’s mad, really mad. I grip the steering wheel, unsure of how to respond.

  “I didn’t think it was such a big deal.” And for me, it’s not. But I’m sure a few of my more ignorant relatives are going to freak out when they see I’m with a black girl.

  “It is, Adam. This is exactly what I was afraid of.” Huffing, she yanks the seatbelt, shoving it behind her arm.

  “They don’t even know you, Jada. Once they see the kind of person you are, they’re going to fall in love with you.” And they will. Sure, we’ll be the source of gossip, but it’ll die down once they give Jada a chance. They’re not that closed-minded…I hope.

  “Don’t worry, Adam. I’m used to it. I was the only person in my high school class who wasn’t white. I know how to deal with standing out in a crowd.” She sighs, unfastening her ponytail to let her hair fall around her face.

  “My parents can’t wait to meet you.” It had been months since I last talked to them, and the conversation was strained at first. But when I mentioned that I was bringing Jada their spirits seemed to lift considerably.

  “Thanks Adam. Make me even more nervous than I already am.” She groans, looking out the window.

  “What? It’s the truth. They wanted to know all about you.” I think they’re excited I’m bringing a girl with me, period. I’m not like Brian. I don’t do steady relationships.

  “I’m sure. So what story am I selling? Am I your crazy-in-love girlfriend or are we just supposed to be friends? What’s the deal?” Her tone is light, but underneath the surface her questioning appears more pointed. She’s waiting to see how far I’m going to take this charade.

  “I sort of figured we’d be dating. It makes things like sharing a room a little easier.” With a swift jerk of the head, her eyes bore into me. It appears I’ve struck a nerve.

  “You’ve got to be kidding me? You didn’t even get me my own room? And let me guess…we have to share a bed too?” She leans forward and turns off the radio. My heart is in overdrive. I keep my attention fixed on the road. I can’t look at her right now.

  “If it’s that much of a problem, I’ll sleep on the floor. You can have the bed.” It’s a small concession and I’m sure it’s going to do little to appease her.

  “No, Adam. Get another room.” She’s adamant. There’s no way she’s budging on this.

  “Jada, it’s one of the last weekends of the summer—prime vacation time. All of the hotels are booked. The only reason we got this is because one of Brian’s friends is letting him use his timeshare.” And thanks to my big mouth I let another crucial detail slip.

  “Wait. Hold up. Timeshare? You mean we’re all staying together?” Her breathing increases and I think she’s about to hyperventilate.

  “It’s like a big house. They’ll have their rooms. We’ll have ours. We even have our own bathroom. We just have to share the living room and the kitchen.” I’m not exactly thrilled about the living arrangements either, but it’s only for a weekend.

  “So we’re all under the same roof? Perfect. This just keeps getting better and better. If we weren’t already halfway there, I’d tell you to turn around and take me home. This is too much, Adam, even for you.” She rubs her forehead, disgusted by how I’ve manipulated her. I can’t say that I blame her.

  “I’ll make sure we’re out of the house as much as possible. We’ll only be there to sleep and take a shower. That’s it. I promise.” I have to get her back on my side somehow. I can’t have her mad at me when we arrive.

  “But aren’t you the best man? Your brother’s going to want some kind of bachelor party, right? Which means I’ll be left with Kelly, a woman who may or may not still have feelings for you and oh yeah, just so happens to be carrying your child. Adam, you are out of your fr
eaking mind.” I’ve never seen Jada so angry. Is it because of Kelly? Why does she care if she has feelings for me?

  “The last person my brother is going to want to party with right now is me.” And that’s the flat out truth.

  “But I thought this was all about keeping up appearances? Isn’t that why we’re going? You’re telling me Brian’s not going to hold up his end of the deal?” Her voice is flat like the fight has gone out of her.

  “It won’t be hard to make some excuse like he doesn’t want to leave Kelly in her condition or something. You’re thinking too far ahead. I gave you my word that I won’t leave your side. And I won’t, Jada. You’re going above and beyond for me. I won’t make things harder for you than they already are.” I hold out my baby finger to her as a sign of truce. “Pinky promise.”

  “You better not let me down.” She snags my finger with hers as hard as she can.

  “You’ve got my back. I’ve got yours.” I smile over at her and she rolls her eyes.

  “I’ll believe when I see it,” she mutters just loud enough for me to hear.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Jada

  The Neon is on the verge of overheating so Adam decided to get off the interstate. Now we’re killing time at a gas station somewhere in West Virginia. The delay means we won’t get to the Outer Banks until later tonight. His parents wanted to take everyone out for a celebratory dinner at a well-known crab house, but it doesn’t look like we’re going to make it, especially if we experience more car trouble along the way.

  We’re near the Cumberland Gap National Park and the landscape is absolutely breathtaking. I wish we could stay among these mountain peaks instead of traveling any farther. I think Adam and I could have a good time camping around here. I’m sure he’d love to explore the many hiking trails. Maybe someday we can come back.

  And that’s when I feel that little ache in my heart. There’s probably not going to be a next time. This is it. I play my part in front of his family. His brother marries the woman pregnant with his child. And we go home and pretend like nothing happened. Our ambulance will be fixed, and we’ll be back on the road as good as new.