by T A. McKay
I sit on the couch long after she is gone just thinking. A baby? How is it even possible? I mean I know how it’s possible, but how is it possible? We only had sex one time, and even though it was the best sex I had ever had, would it really be able to make a baby? I don’t want a family, I saw the shitty job my mum did with me when I was growing up. She always put her men before me. I had a good life to the people outside looking in, the big house and the fancy things, but what I wanted the most was to come first in my mum’s affections, just one time. Seeing the way that I was raised has put to rest any notions I ever had to be a dad, I’m too selfish to raise a kid that would be totally dependent on me. I can’t be a dad, I wouldn’t put a child through it, I couldn’t. I picked up the scan pictures and look at them, at the tiny little blob that is my child, it looks like nothing but I know it’s there, growing inside Niamh. My life has changed in the last few hours and no matter how much I try to convince myself that it doesn’t matter, I know it does. The scan says she is six weeks and two days pregnant, in less than eight months she will be giving birth to either my son or daughter. I lean forward trying to catch the breath I just lost. Will she let me be in its life once it’s here, do I want to be or can I just support it with money, at least giving her the financial security of that support? My mind is going a hundred miles an hour and the thoughts are blending together, making it hard to try and make sense of anything. I stand and place the pictures on my mantle before grabbing my car keys. I will text Rocco and tell him I can’t make dinner tonight, if there was ever a time when I needed to drive and clear my head this was it.
Chapter Seventeen
Mason
“Do you want to talk about it?” Rocco’s words pull me from the daydream that I'm in. I’ve been sitting staring at my phone for the last thirty minutes, actually if I'm truthful, I’ve been looking at it for the last four days. I’ve tried to text and call Niamh since I came back from my drive the day she told me about the baby, but she won’t answer me, not that I can blame her. The way I had spoken to her is unforgivable, my only excuse is I was in shock and petrified. The drive had brought a lot of clarity to the situation and I know now that I have to talk to her calmly and we have some decisions to make and they should be made together. We need to decide if we are raising this baby, or is she giving it up for adoption. I will support her in anything she decides, but it scares me, I still don’t know if I actually want to be a dad.
“Sorry, what were you saying?” I try and look relaxed as I answer him. I’m not ready to talk to anyone about it yet, not even Rocco. This is something I need to try and work out on my own before I involve the people around me.
“There is something up with you, and I would really like to help you with whatever it is. It’s not like you, mason and it’s worrying me.” Shit. Not only is this affecting my life, it’s affecting the people around me.
“It’s nothing mate, just a bit of shit going on with a woman. Nothing to get stressed over.” I try as hard as I can to play it off as nothing, but I know Rocco knows me better than that, and he confirms that when he gives me a dubious look.
“Fine. I will believe that bullshit for now, but I’m here when you’re ready to talk to me. In the meantime, you have a dinner to make up for. We are having an end of summer barbeque at my house a week this Sunday, and you better be there. We are also celebrating.” This catches my attention. He hasn’t mentioned anything that they could be celebrating, and we tell each other everything, well nearly everything.
“You’re celebrating? What aren’t you telling me?” He has this shit-eating grin on his face and it scares me, he is up to something.
“Yes we’re celebrating. Makenzie is moving in.” Holy fuck. I stand and walk around my desk pulling Rocco into a hug.
“I honestly didn’t think I would see the day you would let someone else in. I’m so pleased for you, Makenzie is amazing and I love her because she doesn’t take any of your shit.” I release him and shove him on the shoulder. I’m really happy for him, and a little in shock. It makes me realise I need to get my head out of my arse and pay more attention to the people around me.
“I didn’t think I would ever be here either, but the day I saw her in the park I just knew she was going to knock my life on its head. She is my everything, so I needed to make the first step. I love her so much.”
“First step, Rocco? Will there be more steps?” He smiles again and I know this guy has now officially lost his balls to the woman her loves. There is no recovery from that, and I couldn’t be happier.
“Mason, there are going to be so many steps with Makenzie. I will be putting a ring on her finger and eventually a baby in that belly of hers. I won’t stop until I have it all.” With the mention of him planning a family with Makenzie, I get a hollow ache in my chest, one that I don’t know how to fill.
Niamh
I’m so tired. This week at work has been so busy, I have barely had a moment to stop when I'm on shift. Add to that not sleeping at night when I get home and I feel like I’m twice my age. I know I should be taking it a little easy in my ‘condition’ but working in the accident and emergency just doesn’t allow for that, and I refuse to go to HR and tell them that I am pregnant. They will limit my duties and that will drive me insane, I'm not meant to sit at a desk. I check my watch and see that I only have ten minutes left of my shift. Thank God. I walk through the waiting room and notice it isn’t busy, it had been crazy about an hour ago but now at least I won’t feel so bad leaving on time. I see Talia sitting on one of the uncomfortable chairs waiting for me. I couldn’t get my car to start this morning, and to avoid messing around trying to get a breakdown service at such an early time she just said she would drop me off and pick me up. She can be so thoughtless at times, but when she sets her mind to it, she really does have a heart of gold. I wave as I take my last patients file to the desk to complete, once this is filled in I’m done for the day. I’m going home to have a bath and hopefully a full nights sleep, well if I can get my mind to stop replaying my last interaction with Mason, or as I like to call him now, the donor. I’m filling in the last section on the form when I get a twinge in my groin, it is like a pulling muscle and it hurts enough that it makes me catch my breath. My hand drops to the area trying to ease it, rubbing over it I feel the sensation fade away. I straighten my body again and take a deep breath. God, that had really hurt, I obviously need to rest more and this is my body telling me to take it easy. Ok body, noted! I go back to writing when a ripping sensation tears through my groin, bringing me crashing to my knees. I feel wetness flowing down my legs and look down to see the floor under me red with blood. Clutching my stomach I look up in Talia’s eyes. She is kneeling in front of me, holding me up and trying to soothe me, but I can see the look of panic in her eyes. Another pain rips through my body and I scream with it this time, my vision going dark around the edges. The last words I manage to get out before the darkness fully takes me are.
“Talia, tell them to save my baby.”
I try to open my eyes, but the lights are too bright. Is it time to get up already? I feel like I just got to bed and now I’m getting up for work again. I try to sit up in bed and I feel something pulling at my hands and my eyes open quickly trying to make sense of it. I look around where I am and realise this isn’t my room, this is a hospital bed. Then it all comes rushing back, the pain, the blood and the fear of losing this baby. I hear a sniffing from the other side of the room and I turn to see who it is.
“Talia?” I manage in a croaky voice. Her head flies up when she hears my voice, and quicker than I thought possible she is out her seat holding my hand.
“You’re pregnant? Oh god, Niamh, why didn’t you tell me? How far on are you, who is the dad? Oh god, I just can't believe it.” She is talking so fast that I can’t get a word in, but the only thing I want to know is how is my baby. The pain has stopped now and I don't know if this is a good thing or not.
“The baby, Talia. Is the baby ok?” She
looks at me with sadness but doesn’t say anything. I can’t help raising my voice, I need to know my baby is ok.
“Talia, answer me. Is my baby ok?”
“I don’t know Niamh, they won’t tell me anything. They have been in and out since they got you here, but they did mention giving you an ultrasound.” Pain clenches my chest as I think about not being pregnant anymore. Maybe this is my punishment for those moments that I hoped I wasn’t pregnant, maybe I don’t deserve this baby. Tears run down my cheeks as Talia holds me.
“I’m sorry Honey. I wish there is something I could do.” She pulls back to look me in the eye.
“Do you want me to call the dad? Maybe he should be here with you. He does know?” I don’t know how to tell her, I know she only had a one night thing with Mason but I know how she was the morning he sneaked out. I think she really liked him, and I know I should have thought about that before I had sex with him, but I didn’t, there was only one thing on my mind at that time. Mason.
“He knows, but he doesn’t care.” I look down at our joined hands, unable to look her in the eye and she squeezes my hand tighter. She is giving me so much support at the moment and I don't want to lose her, she has always been there for me. She might not always be the most thoughtful friend about the small things, but she has always been there for me and she has never betrayed me like I have done to her.
“I still think he needs to know, at least if you tell him he can make up his own mind about what to do. It’s only fair, Niamh. Tell me who it is and I’ll call him.” I feel more tears escape my eyes as I try to avoid looking at her. She is going to hate me.
“I’m so sorry, Talia. So very, very sorry.” I’m openly sobbing now and I can’t stop myself.
“Niamh, honey. You’re scaring me. Why are you sorry? Look at me and tell me what’s wrong.” I look up into her eyes and I can only see sympathy for me and it makes me feel worse. She is being so helpful and nice here and I was the bitch who slept with the man she liked.
“Mason.” It’s barely a whisper when it leaves my lips, but it’s the most I can manage at the moment.
“What? Mason what?” I look at her and beg her with my eyes to try and understand what I’m telling her, to not make me say it out loud. I can see the moment that it all becomes clear to her. She pales slightly and she moves back from me a little.
“Oh. Mason is the dad. That’s...that’s...something isn’t it?” I see the deep breath she takes before a fake smile appears on her lips.
“Do you have his number so I can call him for you?” She is trying to be nice and helpful and it makes me feel even worse. I deserve to be shouted at and cursed out.
“Talia, please. I’m so sorry, it just happened. I don’t expect you to call him, I will get a nurse to call him or get a phone brought in.” She takes me by surprise when she leans forward and kisses me on the forehead.
“I won’t say that I’m not a little shocked and even a little pissed with you, but he didn’t like me like that. He obviously likes you and I can’t be angry that you finally found a guy that you like. I’m angrier though that you didn’t talk to me all this, that you tried to go through this all on your own. And at least it answers one question.” I look at her with confusion on my face, not sure what she is going to say.
“At least I know who’s name you called out when you were with Callen. Awkward though girl!” She starts to giggle and I pull her into a hug. I really don't know what I would do without her.
Mason
Ever since the phone call I’ve been in a panic trying to get to Niamh. I don't even remember the drive here, all I know is I have to get to her. She’s bleeding and they don't know what is happening with the baby ... my baby. I start jumping on the spot, trying to use up some of the nervous energy that is flooding through me. This fucking lift just isn’t moving fast enough for my liking, I knew I should have taken the stairs. It pings and as soon as the doors open I’m running down the hall looking for her room. Talia said she is in room three-one-two but I just can’t find it. I stop a nurse and she points me down the opposite hall and I’m running again. When I get there, the door is open and when I look in I see her. Looking beautiful but pale lying there on the bed, she looks at peace and I know I should let her sleep but I can’t. I walk over to the bed and place a kiss to her perfect lips. I know I have no right to do it with the way I treated her, but I just can’t stop myself. The fright I got with one phone call proved that this woman is everything I want, and she is carrying my child so she is everything I need. She opens her eyes and looks at me in confusion.
“Mason?” I don't answer her, I just kiss her again. This one deeper, trying to say sorry for everything.
“I’m so sorry, baby. So, so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?” She pulls back from me looking very confused, and I don't blame her. There is no way that she realises what she means to me, that I want her more than I want my next breath. Just as she is about to speak a nurse walks into the room pulling a machine behind her.
“How are you feeling, Miss Knight? Are you ready for your scan?” It’s now that I realise I know nothing. Is she still pregnant? Is she ok herself?
“Niamh, Talia didn’t know anything. How is our baby?” When I say the words ‘our baby’, I see the tears in her eyes. I lean forward and kiss her gently again, whispering against her lips.
“I’m sorry, baby.” She places her forehead against mine and I never want her to move, I just want to be in this moment forever. We are at peace with each other, there is no fighting or craziness, it’s just us together. The nurse behind us coughs politely and I pull back from Niamh, smiling at her when she looks at me. I walk around the other side of the bed and take her hand as the nurse organises the machine. I have no idea what is about to happen so I just sit quietly and watch, I’m so engrossed with what the nurse is doing I don't hear Niamh talking to me until she squeezes my hand. I look up at her and she laughs before repeating what she said.
“We’re going to have a scan to see if the baby is ok, to see if it’s still there.” Tears appear in her eyes again and it breaks my heart. I finally come to terms that I am about to be a dad and it might be too late. I squeeze her hand as the nurse lifts her gown and squirts some gel stuff all over her belly.
“We might not be able to see anything this way, since you are only about eight weeks it might be too soon, but we will give it a go.” This is it. This is the moment I might see my child for the first time, and I couldn’t be more excited. The picture on the screen means nothing to me, it all just looks like blobs and squiggles that a kid would make in the mud. She stops moving the thing that’s on her belly and focuses on that area, zooming the picture in and altering the focus and then there it is. Our baby. The nurse smiles so I’m taking it as a good sign.
“There you go, mummy and daddy. There is baby, and the flickering you can see is the heartbeat which looks great.” I tighten my grip on Niamh’s hand as she cries looking at the screen. It’s the most amazing thing in the world. That is my baby, my son or daughter is growing inside Niamh and I couldn’t be happier about it. The nurse wipes the gel from Niamh’s belly and hands us the pictures that she had printed off before leaving the room. She says the doctor will be in soon to discuss with us what is happening. An awkward silence takes over the room as neither me nor Niamh knows what to say to each other. I’m the one who messed this whole thing up, so I need to be the one to fix this, to be honest with her for a change. I pull my chair closer to her bed and grab her hand, needing to keep a connection with her while I talk.
“I don't think there will be a day when I will have apologized enough for the way I spoke to you. I have no excuse for it apart from I was scared and took it out on you. I was in shock and thought if I made you the bad person I wouldn’t ever have to face the fact that I made a mistake.” She gasps and I realise what I have said. How to make her feel even more worthless than I had before. I kiss her hand before I carry on.
“No, being with you wasn’t a
mistake, the mistake was letting my feelings for you get in the way of common sense. We should have been safe, used a condom, but we didn’t and now we are going to be parents whether we want to or not. But when I got that call from Talia I swear my heart broke, the thought of losing the baby, our baby and probably never having another chance with you hurt more than I thought possible. I never should have let you run off after we had sex, I should have chased you down and told you I wanted to be with you, that I wanted to make you mine.” She sat quietly the whole time I was speaking, just watching me carefully and listening, but now I want her to say something, to give me a response and let me know where I stand.
“Say something, Niamh, please.”
“You hurt me, Mason. The words you said to me made me feel cheap, like I was using you and you were just another notch on my bedpost. You made me feel like a whore. I left after we were together because I was scared you were going to make me leave, treat me like you treat all those other women. I gave you so much that night, but I wasn’t willing to give you my self-respect.” To hear her talking like this makes me feel even worse than before, to think that she would honestly believe that I would treat her that way, but then I’m not shocked, it’s exactly how I have treated the women before her. I need her to be in my life though, and I’m willing to do it with any way she is comfortable.
“Do you think you will ever be able to forgive me, so we can even be friends?” At this moment, I will take anything she is willing to give me, if it’s only friendship I will grab it with both hands. She smiles at me and my heart melts seeing the warmth in her eyes.
“Friends I can do. I suppose we need to be friends if we are going to raise this baby together.” Friendship is a starting place for what I really want, but I’m sure I can convince her sooner rather than later that I’m what she wants. I smile at her as she relaxes back onto the pillow and we wait to see what news the doctor will bring.