On the Dog

by J. C. Greenburg

  “Help!” she screamed. “I can’t hold on much longer!”

  Suddenly a pink tidal wave curled up toward Judy. It was Harley’s tongue! It was covered with gigantic bristles, like a monster hairbrush.

  “Look out!” Andrew shouted.

  Judy screamed. The tongue picked her up and swooped her toward Andrew.

  Andrew reached out to grab Judy as the tongue went by. But all Andrew got were wet tongue bristles. Then the tongue swooped back into Harley’s mouth.

  meep … “Oody gone!” cried Thudd.

  “Almost gone!” a voice gasped from above. “I’m on top of Harley’s nose. Andrew, get out of that nostril and get up here!”

  Andrew leaned out of the nostril and looked up. Getting to the top of Harley’s nose would be like climbing a craggy black cliff.

  Andrew tucked Thudd into his back pocket and started to climb. The front of Harley’s nose was covered with pits and cracks. Andrew used them to grab on to.

  Being sticky with nose goo helped.

  I feel like a fly walking up a wall, Andrew thought. Maybe I can use this nose goo stuff in one of my inventions!

  Finally, Andrew scrambled over the edge of the nose. It felt good to be somewhere flat, even if it was the top of a dog’s nose.

  meep … “Want to see, please,” said Thudd.

  Andrew put Thudd into his shirt pocket.

  Ahead was a strange sight. It looked like a blown-down forest of scaly tree trunks. But it was really thousands of dog hairs all leaning in one direction.

  Judy was leaning against one of the hairs. On her face was a “wait till I get my hands on you” look.

  Andrew looked over the edge of the nose cliff.

  “This nose could really use a safety railing,” he said.

  “This is not funny,” Judy said.

  Suddenly everything spun to the right. Andrew was glad he was still sticky. He was too sticky to fall off the nose!

  “Harley must be getting ready to take a nap!” Judy said. She was clinging to one of the dog hairs. “He always turns around and around first.”

  Finally, Harley curled up in the shade. Harley’s sigh rumbled below them like an underground train.

  Judy and Andrew sat down at the edge of the dog-hair forest.

  “So how do we get un-shrunk?” Judy asked.

  “We set the Atom Sucker to UN-SHRINK,” said Andrew. “We have eight hours from when I turned it on.”

  “What happens if we don’t get back in eight hours?” asked Judy.

  Andrew looked away. “Um … the Atom Sucker might kind of … explode.”

  A PLAN?

  “What?” Judy yelled.

  “Don’t worry,” said Andrew. “Thudd, what time did I turn on the Atom Sucker?”

  meep … “12:01,” said Thudd.

  “So all we have to do is set it to UN-SHRINK before 8:01,” Andrew said.

  meep … “Now 12:31,” said Thudd. “Only 7 hours, 30 minutes left.”

  “Cheese Louise!” said Judy. “We’d better come up with a plan!”

  meep … “Purple button!” said Thudd, pointing to the middle of his chest.

  “A purple button is not a plan,” said Judy.

  meep … “Purple button send signal to Uncle Al,” said Thudd.

  “I think Uncle Al is setting up a telescope to look into space,” said Andrew. “I sure hope he can get our signal.”

  Thudd pressed his purple button. It blinked three times.

  “How will we know if the signal reaches Uncle Al?” asked Judy.

  meep … “Not know,” said Thudd. “Purple button never pressed before.”

  “Well, we’d better not sit around waiting for Uncle Al to come get us,” said Judy. “We need to get off the dog, across the field, and onto the Atom Sucker.”

  Judy got up and looked around. “I don’t see the helicopter,” she said.

  “It got shrunk right after you did,” said Andrew.

  Judy snapped her fingers. “That’s it! If we can find the helicopter, I can fly it!”

  “We all ended up on Harley,” said Andrew. “Maybe the helicopter is on Harley too!”

  “Let’s hike to the top of Harley’s head,” said Judy. “Maybe we can spot the helicopter from up there.”

  Andrew looked up. A long, furry slope led from the tip of Harley’s nose to the brown mountain of Harley’s head.

  “Okay,” said Andrew. “It’s time to climb!”

  Andrew took a step into the dog-hair forest.

  “Oops!” Andrew yelped. His feet slid out from under him. “It’s slippery!”

  Judy crouched down to look at the bottom of a dog hair.

  “All the hairs are growing out of these big round pits in Harley’s skin,” said Judy. “They’re like trees growing in pots. And the pits are full of oil. Eew! I can really smell that doggie smell!”

  meep … “Hair pit called follicle,” said Thudd. “Follicle make oil. Oil protect skin and hair. No oil, skin crack. Hair break. But when oil get old, oil get stinky. Like bad milk. That why dog smell good after bath. Stinky oil get washed away.”

  Judy pulled Andrew back to his feet. They started hiking up Harley’s nose. The dog hairs curved over them like the trunks of giant palm trees. Sunlight flickered down through the hairs to Harley’s skin.

  Harley’s skin was covered with stuff that looked like torn-up tissue paper. Pieces floated into the air as Andrew and Judy shuffled along.

  “What is this stuff?” Andrew asked.

  meep … “Skin flakes,” Thudd said. “Old skin peel off animals. Millions and millions of flakes every day. Drewd and Oody make skin flakes, too!”

  “Maybe Andrew does,” said Judy. “But I don’t.”

  meep … “Dust mostly skin flakes,” said Thudd.

  Judy laughed. “So those piles of dust in Andrew’s room are really piles of Andrew?”

  “Yoop!” said Thudd. “Know what eat skin flakes?”

  “A vacuum cleaner!” said Andrew.

  meep … “Dust mites!” said Thudd, pointing to a picture on his face screen. “Tiny bugs. Live in rugs. On sheets. On clothes. Dust mites love skin flakes like Drewd love pizza!”

  Up ahead, Andrew saw a huge brown dome.

  “It’s Harley’s eyelid!” said Andrew. “We’re halfway there.”

  Harley’s skin was warm, and the hike past Harley’s eye was steep and slippery. When they got above the eye, Judy and Andrew stopped for a rest.

  “It’s not far now,” said Andrew.

  He leaned out to get another look at Harley’s eye.

  “Wowzers!” said Andrew. “Harley’s eyeball is moving under his eyelid.”

  Andrew wanted to get a better look, so he leaned out a little bit farther. But that was a little bit too far.

  MITE-Y BIG PROBLEMS

  “Nooooo!” Andrew screamed. He tumbled down Harley’s eyelid and crashed into one of his eyelashes.

  “Are you okay?” Judy shouted down.

  “I think so,” said Andrew. He tried to get to his feet. But he started sinking!

  “Help!” Andrew hollered.

  meep … “Deep eyelash follicle!” said Thudd.

  Before Andrew could do anything, he was up to his waist in an oil pit!

  “I’m coming!” Judy yelled.

  Andrew pulled Thudd out of his pocket to keep him out of the oil. With his other hand, Andrew grabbed the edge of the follicle. But it was too slippery to get a grip.

  Judy climbed down Harley’s eyelid and crawled to the edge of the follicle.

  Andrew’s head was bobbing just above the oil!

  “Yikes!” Andrew cried. “There’s something slithering around in here! It feels like this pit is full of snakes!”

  meep … “Eyelash mites,” Thudd said. “Eyelash mites live upside down in follicle. Eat oil and skin flakes. Humans got eyelash mites, too. See!”

  “I’ve got to get out of here before these mites think I’m a skin flake!” said Andrew.


  Judy grabbed Andrew’s hand and tried to yank him out.

  She groaned. “You sure are heavy,” she said. “I can pull better if I stand up. Whoops!”

  Judy slipped and tumbled into the follicle.

  “Yikes!” she yelped. “I got pinched!”

  meep … “Eyelash mites got claws,” said Thudd. “Cousins of lobsters!”

  “Do these stupid mites ever leave a follicle?” asked Judy.

  “Yoop,” said Thudd. “When follicle too crowded, mites leave.”

  “So let’s make this follicle feel like an overstuffed school bus!” said Judy. “If a mite tries to get out, we can hitch a ride.”

  Judy and Andrew started shoving their prickly neighbors. The mites thrashed back.

  “I think this mite is getting out!” said Andrew.

  Andrew wrapped his arms around the slippery tail of the mite next to him. It squirmed tail-first toward the top of the follicle.

  “Grab on to me, Judy!” said Andrew.

  Judy caught hold of Andrew’s belt.

  The eyelash mite gave another squirm and slithered out onto Harley’s eyelid. Judy and Andrew flopped off the mite. It wriggled over to another follicle.

  “Woofers!” said Andrew. “That was awful!”

  “That’s the first time you’ve been right today” said Judy.

  Judy and Andrew picked up some soft skin flakes and started wiping the oil off themselves.

  Thudd grabbed on to Andrew’s shirt and pinched his way back into Andrew’s shirt pocket.

  “Ah … ah … ah-choof!” Judy sneezed. “It’s my dog allergy.”

  meep … “Bless oo!” said Thudd. “Oody not lergic to whole dog. Oody lergic to skin flakes and these.”

  Thudd pointed to the scales on the hairs. Some of them had cracked off. Hair scales were floating into the air with the skin flakes.

  Judy looked up at Harley’s head.

  “I’ve got an idea,” she said. “This time, let’s do what mountain climbers do.”

  Judy took off her belt and threaded it through one of the loops on her jeans. Andrew looped his belt the same way. Then Judy buckled the ends of the two belts together.

  “Now if one of us starts to fall, the other one can help,” said Judy.

  It was a hard climb from Harley’s eye to the top of his head. Andrew and Judy had to pull themselves up hair by hair.

  They were almost there when something crashed nearby.

  Wham!

  The forest of dog hairs rustled. Something big was coming!

  TIME TO FLEA

  An instant later, it was above them. Its claws gripped the tops of the dog hairs. Above the claws, six long legs bristled with sharp hairs.

  One by one, the legs slipped down to Harley’s skin. Andrew and Judy ran. But one of the legs caught the belts that held them together. They were trapped!

  Andrew looked up. A huge armored creature towered over them. Pointy hairs stuck out all over its body. A snout hung down in front. It was a sharp, prickly snout! Above the snout were two black cannonball eyes.

  meep … “Flea!” Thudd said. “Flea not see Drewd and Judy. Flea not see much. But flea feel living thing move. Flea jump on! Flea need blood to live.”

  The flea lowered its needle-sharp snout-mouth to Harley’s skin. Andrew and Judy yanked at their belts, trying to get free.

  Maybe the flea felt something. Instead of biting Harley it jumped! Up and up they went! Andrew had the feeling in his stomach that he got when an airplane took off.

  The wind whooshed by their faces. It was scary to see how high they were!

  meep … “If human jump like flea, human jump six hundred feet high!” Thudd squeaked.

  Then they were zooming down, down, down! They could see the top of Harley’s head and the furry brown hilltops of his ears.

  “Hold on, Andrew!” screamed Judy. “We’re going to crash!”

  The flea landed on top of Harley’s head. Andrew and Judy were jolted loose from the flea’s leg. They tumbled down through the hairs to Harley’s skin.

  A dark shadow passed over them as the flea crept along the hairs above.

  “Let’s head for Harley’s ear,” said Judy. “It’s high, so we can look around. And if anything nasty comes along, we can hide inside. I’ll bet it’s like a big cave in there.”

  Judy and Andrew trudged through the dog hair. Suddenly Andrew felt like he was on an elevator going up! Harley wasn’t sleeping anymore. He was on the move. And so were his ears!

  A HAIRY SITUATION

  Harley’s ears were going up like enormous furry tents!

  “What’s going on?” asked Andrew, looking up through the dog hairs.

  meep … “Harley move ears to find where sound come from,” said Thudd. “Dog ears like antennas.”

  Andrew listened. The only sound he heard was the Atom Sucker. It was whistling softly.

  meep … “Harley hear something coming,” said Thudd. “Dog ears hear better than Drewd ears. Human use mostly eyes to find out things. Dog use mostly nose and ears. Dog eyes see things blurry. See just yellow, blue, gray.”

  “Grrrrr!” Harley growled.

  “I wonder what he’s growling about,” said Andrew. “If I climb to the tip of a hair, maybe I can see what’s going on.”

  Andrew unbuckled the belts that held them together.

  The scales on the hair made it easy to climb.

  From the top of Harley’s head, Andrew saw a strange sight. The forest of hair on the back of Harley’s neck was standing straight up!

  meep … “Harley scared!” Thudd said. “Muscles in skin make hair stick out. Happen to humans, too. Called goose bumps! Lotsa hair make animal look big, look scary! But humans not got enough hair to look scary.”

  “I think I see what Harley’s growling at!” Andrew shouted down to Judy. “A very long puppy just came up to the fence.”

  “That must be Hot Dog!” Judy shouted up. “He just moved in with the Greenes across the street from us. They’re so nice, especially Josh. His birthday is two days before mine.”

  A dreamy smile stretched across Judy’s face.

  “Now Hot Dog is sniffing the fence!” yelled Andrew. “You know, where Harley always pees.”

  meep … “Harley smell on fence tell all about Harley to other dogs,” said Thudd. “Smell tell if Harley male or female. Tell if Harley boss dog or shy dog.”

  Harley kept growling. He hunched down low to the ground and crept toward the puppy.

  “Harley is right in front of Hot Dog now,” said Andrew. “He’s putting one of his front paws on Hot Dog’s shoulder.”

  meep … “Harley say he boss dog,” said Thudd.

  “Now Hot Dog is rolling over on his back,” Andrew reported.

  meep … “Hot Dog agree. Harley boss dog,” said Thudd.

  Harley started wagging his tail. Hot Dog got up and wagged his tail, too.

  meep … “Dogs need to know who boss,” said Thudd. “Hot Dog and Harley friends now.”

  The hairs on Harley’s neck leaned back down again.

  As Andrew climbed down the hair to Harley’s skin, a shadow fluttered overhead.

  It was an orange-and-black butterfly. Harley and Hot Dog trotted after it.

  “Yuck!” said Judy. “Something smells gross.”

  “It’s probably the garbage bag by the porch,” said Andrew. “I saw Harley sniffing it.”

  “Oh, no!” cried Judy. “We’ve got to get into Harley’s ear right away!”

  They ran. Andrew slipped on an oily patch. He almost fell into a hair follicle. They were still far away from the huge flaps of Harley’s ears when it happened.

  BATHTUB OF DOOM

  “Holy moly!” said Andrew. Harley was diving like a roller coaster. Andrew and Judy grabbed a dog hair and hung on.

  Then the roller coaster turned into the worst kind of water ride. Blobs of slimy eggs rained down on them. Boulders of stinky cheese flew through the air. Andrew and Judy nearly
drowned in a glob of sour milk.

  “I knew this was going to happen!” said Judy. “Harley loves to get into garbage bags. He rolls around in all the yucky stuff!”

  “Why would Harley do a dumb thing like that?” asked Andrew.

  meep … “Not dumb,” said Thudd. “Long ago, dogs live wild. Dog need to hunt other animals. But other animals smell dog and run away. Dog roll in stinky stuff. Stinky stuff hide doggie smell. Now dog get food from food bowl, but dog still roll in stinky stuff.”

  “What on earth is going on?” boomed a woman’s voice. “Harley! Get over here!”

  “It’s Mrs. Scuttle!” Judy gasped.

  “You bad dog!” yelled Mrs. Scuttle. “You’re filthy! And what a stink!”

  Mrs. Scuttle got quiet for a moment. “Where’s that whistling coming from?” she said. “And what is that thing?”

  “Oh my gosh!” said Judy. “She must have seen the Atom Sucker!”

  “I hope she doesn’t turn it off!” said Andrew.

  “Another noisy gadget,” snorted Mrs. Scuttle. “We’ve got to get those Dubbles out of the neighborhood.”

  Andrew chuckled. “If Mrs. Scuttle gets close to the Atom Sucker, she could end up in our neighborhood.”

  Judy laughed. “I’d rather have an eyelash mite for a neighbor.”

  Mrs. Scuttle’s hand zoomed down and grabbed Harley’s collar.

  “Ooooow!” Harley whined.

  “We have to get inside Harley’s ear!” said Judy. “Before we drown in Mrs. Scuttle’s bathtub.”

  Dog hair by dog hair, they pulled themselves onto Harley’s ear. But the ear was flapping like a giant rubbery flag. They couldn’t get inside.

  Mrs. Scuttle dragged Harley to her house. She battled him up the stairs and into the bathroom. The bathroom was as white as an igloo, except for the shower curtain. It was blue and had mermaids and pirate ships all over it.

  “What time is it, Thudd?” Andrew asked.

  meep … “1:57,” said Thudd.