Love Charms
Page 33
Evan’s brow softened, confused. “I don’t understand.”
“Desiree told me everything. I guess it’s a good thing, too. You wanted to leave us, Evan? I hope you understand that I can’t just let you do that. Understand, it’s not that I hate you. I don’t even hate her—that zombie chick outside. I honestly couldn’t care less what happens to her. One of them is no concern to me. I need you around to keep the camp stable, though. That’s my main prerogative. It’s logic, plain and simple, and that’s that.”
“So you’re blackmailing me?” Evan asked. Clenching his teeth, he dared a dart of his eyes towards Sadie’s prison, then looked back at Alex.
“Basically. You make it sound bad. But I can’t take chances now, you know? If you leave, then what? We’re stuck. You told Desiree you wanted to help us find a place for the winter? Well, here we are. We’ll take this house. You stay here until the middle of spring and we’ll call it even, how about that?”
“Fine,” Evan said. “I’ll stay, alright? Just let Sadie out and I’ll stay.”
Alex stared at him hard. His jaw worked, mechanical and stiff, as he said his next word. “No.”
“Alex, you can’t—!”
“If you keep quiet about everything and don’t arouse suspicion with anyone in the camp, I’ll let you and the zombie sneak off and go live in zombieland all you like. In the spring, Evan. If you try anything, that’s it, though. I don’t want anymore of your ‘Let’s save them’ bullshit circling through camp. Keep it to yourself. You don’t want to know what I’ll do otherwise. I’ve told everyone we’re going to try and figure out this disease, like you wanted, but you do realize how fast medical experimentation can turn to torture, don’t you?”
Evan’s lips parted. His mouth felt dry, his throat parched, with a torrid, slightly salty sting from the theatre popcorn clutching and squeezing his neck, choking him. Not even that long ago he and Sadie were enjoying themselves, walking home close together. He promised her he’d stay the night with her and now…
“I don’t want to, Evan. I never wanted any of this. This is what I’m left with and this is what I need to do, though. It’s them or us. You don’t understand, but that’s how it is. The world’s a fucked up place now and I can’t afford to screw myself over anymore. There’s no more heroes or Save-the-World mission statements. That shit just gets you killed.”
“I’ll show you,” Evan said, practically pleading. “We really can help them, Alex. Let me show you. We can go outside right now and…”
“I’ve given orders to the others not to let you near her. I told them she’ll likely become enraged upon seeing you. Everyone thinks this was all according to plans and you taking her away from the house for a few hours was to give us time to set this up. If you attempt to go anywhere near her, the others were told to physically restrain you with maximum force.”
“What are you—?”
“It’s a hard world, Evan. It sucks, but this is a hard world and you need to get used to it. Even if you can help one of them, what does it matter? There’s a billion more to take her place. You need to just give up, do what I ask, and then fuck all if I care what you do after that.”
Alex shrugged and walked away, leaving Evan staring outside.
“Desiree’s upstairs in one of the rooms, by the way,” Alex said, standing at the end of the hallway near the master bedroom: Sadie’s room. “I’m commandeering this room for our base of operations here, but you’ll stay with her tonight. For appearances. I get that you’re probably upset with her, but if you understand your situation you’ll go up there and go to sleep. After tonight you can find another room.”
Or else, Evan thought. Or else they’d hurt Sadie, “experiment” on her, torture and torment her, claiming it was for the sake of a cure; some nonexistent vaccine to prevent anyone else from growing ill. What were they going to do to her? He didn’t know, didn’t want to know, and yet he did. He wanted to get her out of there and…
He couldn’t. He couldn’t do anything. Bleary-eyed, stumbling, feeling cold and dead like one of the people he wanted to save, he walked towards the stairs leading to the second floor of the house.
*
“Evan,” Desiree said. “I…”
Evan choked on his own words, finding it difficult to speak. He managed to rasp out a few, though. “Why did you do it?”
“We needed this place,” she said. “Everyone did.” Despite the conviction of her words, she sounded unsure. “I… I didn’t think Alex would do what he did. I thought maybe… and I had a few glasses of Riesling, and… I’m still a little confused about it all, but I’m sure in the morning we can talk to him and…”
He swallowed hard, forcing moisture into his mouth. “She’s in a cage, Desiree. Did you see them do that, too? They put Sadie in a cage like some monster. You talked to her, didn’t you? You knew her? They put her in a fucking cage!”
The pretty girl, his previous friend, shied away from him when he shouted. She sat on the bed while Evan drooped against the closed bedroom door.
“I didn’t know,” she whispered. “I… Evan, I thought… I was…”
Shy, quietly, she crawled across the bed and climbed down to the floor. She crept across the rug, moving towards him, and then she pulled him to her in a hug. Evan sat there, oblivious, vaguely letting his arms drop to the side.
Desiree. He liked Desiree. He used to, anyways. He always enjoyed it when they’d watch a movie on his laptop and laugh. True, they sat on a cot in a tent, and they rarely had any snacks to speak of, but it was fun. It reminded him of before, of normal life. It reminded him that it didn’t have to be terrible and everything might work out in the end.
He never knew if it really would or not, but he always hoped. That’s what he wanted, and he tried every day for it.
Then Desiree became quiet, more reserved. Not exactly, and not for long, but when she started opening up to him again, it was flirty and intimate. He used to brush it off as some phase. That time of the month, something, whatever. Except she kept it up, kept teasing closer to him, trying to get close to him in ways entirely different than friendship.
Desiree tilted Evan’s head up and kissed him lightly on the nose. Her lips trailed soft, gentle kisses, towards his lips. She kissed the top of his mouth and around, curving, following a path alongside the lines of his lip, grazing down towards his chin, and…
Up. On his mouth. They kissed, close and warm. Sadie always said she felt so warm near Evan. Warm and alive and herself again. Evan felt warmth and it reminded him of her.
He clutched at Desiree, unthinking, and kissed her back. His lips latched onto her mouth, hard, passionate, and he pulled her into him. She came willingly, relishing in his rough, intimate aggression.
She wore a pair of flannel pajamas. Not really flattering, but probably comfortable. Evan grabbed at the top and ripped the buttons from the seams, pulling the whole thing loose. Desiree squeezed him in her arms and dug her fingers into his back, anything to stay close to him.
“Yesss,” she said. “Evan, please. I need you so badly.”
He threw her onto the ground. What was he thinking? He didn’t even know. He was upset and tired and in a rage. Every thought in his mind reminded him of Sadie. Her quiet, unsure voice, but then the way she said everything so matter-of-factly.
He remembered earlier when he and Desiree first arrived. “I found a kitten,” she said.
“What?” His face scrunched up then, confused. What was she talking about?
“I found a kitten,” Sadie had repeated, then pointed to her shopping cart, to the domed litter box with its entrance blocked off by a bag of dry cat food and cat litter. “She’s in there.” And when he went to poke around and investigate, she’d slapped his hand away. “Careful! We need to get her inside.”
The kitten was all alone, Sadie told him. But, maybe. Maybe she could bring her back here? To her home. Sadie was alone, too. She and the kitten could be alone together. They could…
Evan found himself crouched atop Desiree with his shirt undone and her pajama shirt completely off. She looked up at him, eyes wide, lips quivering. Her body trembled beneath him, panicked.
“Evan,” she whimpered. “Evan, that hurts. I…”
He had her breast in his hand, crushing it in his palm, pulling it hard. Between two of his fingers, he’d clamped onto her nipple and had been crunching it between his joints. She stared up at him, whimpering, while he abused her, lost in a trance, thinking of Sadie, and Alex, and how he needed to help Sadie, wanted to get her back. About how he wanted to hurt Alex for taking her away from him in the first place.
He let Desiree go, snapping back to the reality of the situation. Hurt, angry at himself for hurting her, he rolled off of her and knelt beside her. Lifting her in his arms while she lay there, shivering in fear, he carried her to the bed and lay her in it.
She wouldn’t look at him. “Evan, I…”
“Desiree,” he said, feeling so far away and lost. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to do that. I was somewhere else. I don’t know what happened. It’s… Desiree, I’m upset, but I’d never do that to you. I swear. I don’t want to hurt you.”
He stood over the bed, glancing down at her. She turned towards him and looked up at him, frightened. “It’s my fault,” she said. “I… Evan, I’m jealous. There. Alright?” Her voice became less soft and more accusing. “I’m jealous of her. I always thought it’d be me. I always thought you’d give in some day and just… I always thought it’d be me and everything would work out. I know it’s dumb, Evan, but I love you too, alright?”
“I know you don’t love me,” she continued, burying her head in a pillow and sobbing. “I know you don’t and I wish there was some way I could stop feeling this way, but I can’t. And I drank too much wine. That’s not an excuse, it’s just what happened. I was angry at you for taking her out somewhere special. You never took me anywhere. We always just went to your tent. I think I ate too many of those rice crisps, too, and my stomach hurt, and I just… I didn’t know if I would, but I did. I called Alex and it’s all my fault. I was so hurt, Evan. It hurts. I don’t know what to do.”
Evan removed his shirt and pants and let them drop into a pile next to the bed. Wearing only his boxers and socks, he lifted up the blankets. With a nod, barely looking at him, Desiree snuck beneath them. Evan joined her.
He stared at her, listless, looking through her more than at her. She dared a peek over at him, then averted her eyes quickly. Shifting in the bed, Evan shimmied closer to her, wordless.
“Evan,” she said. “I know what you must think of me. I know you’re upset. If… you can, alright? You can do it. You were angry before and you wanted to hurt me and you can. I won’t say anything or tell anyone, I promise. You can hurt me, bruise me, hit me… if… if you want to force yourself on me in whatever way, you can do it. I know I deserve your hate.”
Evan inched closer to her. His breath washed across her throat, hot and calm. Reaching out, he pulled on her shoulder, coaxing her to lay on her back.
Desiree clenched her eyes shut and pursed her lips, waiting.
He put his hand on her bare stomach and started rubbing in circles.
“What…” Blinking, she opened her eyes and looked at him. “What are you doing?”
“You said your stomach hurt?” he said.
“Evan…”
“I won’t hurt you,” he said through gritted teeth, controlling himself. “It’s not your fault, Desiree. I got too wrapped up in all of this. I was too carried away. I really like Sadie, you know? I didn’t think about anyone else. I wanted it so much. I wanted everything to work out and I thought if I was happy then that was enough, right? If I was happy maybe everyone else would be happy, and…”
“I don’t love you the way you want me to,” he added, sober . “I do love you, though. Like a friend. You’re basically my best friend now, you know? I don’t have anyone else anymore. I had Sadie and… but I ignored you, Desiree. I ignored you and I don’t blame you for what you did and I’m sorry.”
He rested his head on the pillow, watching her. She gazed at him, quiet and contemplative, while he rubbed her stomach.
“Maybe there’s something we can do, Evan,” she said. “I don’t know her, but I trust you, and if you say she’s not dangerous, then I’m sure she isn’t. She didn’t seem it before, but it was a shock. I… we can talk to Alex, maybe? We can show him.”
“Alex won’t let me go near her,” he said. “If I try, then he’s told the others to restrain me. For my own good, supposedly. He knows it’s bullshit, and I’m sure he doesn’t actually believe she’s that dangerous, but he’s doing it to keep me here. He’s blackmailing me into staying until the spring to help out because he says he needs me here. He says he can’t afford to let me leave until then, so he’ll do anything to stop me, pretty much.”
“Oh… Oh, Evan. I’m so sorry. I…”
“I don’t want to talk anymore,” he said. “I’m sorry. I’m really tired.”
He closed his eyes as if he meant to go to sleep, but his hand continued to rub a light circle across Desiree’s stomach.
*
I wake to a boom. My body stiffens, startled, and I feel sore. Looking up, I see the open sky overhead. Dark grey clouds float above me, threatening to open up and drench me with rain at any moment.
Why am I outside? I scramble off the ground and sit, worried. Did I fall asleep on a summer day while laying out on the lawn at my parent’s house? I don’t have much of a lawn behind my apartment so that’s the only place I could be. Except why am I at my parent’s house? I need to go into work today. I have to get up and get inside. Not just because of the rain, but I need to take a shower, too.
I have to write a note. I need to let my manager know that I have a doctor’s appointment soon and I won’t be able to come into work that day. I might be able to work for a little bit, but I’ll have to leave early, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to make it back after that. I’ll work extra a few days in advance to make sure everything is settled for that day, though. I’ll…
I lurch onto my stomach, finding it difficult to remain seated. Flopping onto a soft, flattened cushion, I stare forward. In front of me, straight ahead and to the sides, are bars. Small, thin bars rise up from the ground, then higher still, taller than me when I stand. I’m not standing now but my eyes rise up, looking as high as I can, and I see the ends of the bars. They look so far away, lost somewhere in the middle of the angry rainclouds high above.
I try to grab the bars, but I don’t know why. I don’t know why there are bars in the first place, either. My fingertips reach for them and they feel cold to the touch. I stare at the metal and my hand, distracted and lost.
Why is my hand a pale blue color? My fingernails are dark purple like I’ve painted them with nail polish, but I don’t even own purple nail polish. I prefer reds and greens sometimes, or blues. Mostly red, but I like to wear other colors on occasion. Special occasions. I had a date the other night with a man I met at college and I would’ve liked to wear blue then, but…
Wait.
Am I in college? I can’t be. I have a doctor’s appointment soon. I work. I graduated. I’m employed at a small marketing firm in the city. What city? I don’t know the name of it. I can’t remember. It’s where I went to college, though. It’s where I met him. What’s his name? Does he have a name? Did I go on a date?
I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know I can’t think at all and I don’t know.
I want to curl up into a ball and hide and fall asleep and cry, but the first drop of rain from the dark clouds above falls down and slams against my forearm.
It’s just rain and I know this, but it doesn’t feel like rain. The small drip lands on my exposed skin and it feels like someone’s beamed a high-power
ed laser into my flesh. I can feel it ripping through my arm, digging into my body, harsh and penetrating.
And then it’s gone. Just one drop of rain, fast and relentless.
There will be more, though.
I sit up, huddling close to myself, trying to work out what’s happened in my head. There’s a dog bed beneath me; that’s the cushion I saw before. I don’t think there’s a dog, though, is there?
I found a kitten the other day at the grocery store. I don’t know why a kitten was at the grocery store, nor do I know why I didn’t bring it to the store manager, but I found one and I’ve brought it home.
I named her Cinna.
The rain destroys me. It falls again, landing on my head and my nose and my neck. I cry out in horrendous pain, feeling the splashes devouring my body. They drop, unstoppable. I try to back away, to escape them, but I run into the metal bars. It’s impossible to flee.
Why does the rain hurt so much? Has something happened? Is this acid? Will I die? Will my skin melt from my body, slough off my bones?
My skin is a pale blue and I am dead. I remember now; at least a little bit. I am cold, forever, and I am one of them. There’s nothing I can do about it.
And the rain is painful. It falls softly now, a gentle summer shower, but by the looks of the clouds it’ll pick up soon. Another boom, with a slash of lightning in front of me and to the left, and more rain. It lands on my hands and arms and drenches my clothes, burning into my skin. It isn’t a warm burn, not like a too-hot shower, but a cold, frozen one.
It feels as if someone has taken a canister of liquid oxygen and decided to spray it directly onto my flesh. My body feels like a steak that’s been left exposed in the freezer for weeks; broken, raw, and burnt from the cold. I stare at my arms and cry and it doesn’t look like I’m burning, but I can feel it. I feel it everywhere, all around me, in me.
Opposite me, in the cage, is a door. I can escape through the door, I think, except when my eyes clear from the burning tears splashing across my cheeks, I see the chain. Someone’s chained the door shut and locked it and I can’t open it.