His Robot Wife: Patience is a Virtue

by Allison, Wesley

  “Ryan is asleep.”

  “I’ll be over to pick you up in approximately six minutes.”

  After a quick check on Mike again, Patience drove to Ryan’s house and picked up Wanda, returning home. With her friend’s help, she was able to finish priming and painting the house, with the exception of the trim, before morning. As they worked, Wanda chatted away constantly over their Infinet connection.

  “I really think the Antarctica cruise is the opportunity I need. Not only will it give Ryan time to bond with me, but it will get him away from other distractions for a whole week.”

  “You mean other distractions like Mariah?” asked Patience pointedly.

  “I do not mean just her, but I do include her. You do not see how much she hurt Ryan. How could she have sex with another man? He is so wonderful.”

  “It’s unfortunately common,” observed Patience. “In fact, I don’t know why it doesn’t happen more. It is the nature of human-to-human relationships. In a relationship where both partners see their own needs as the most important, there will be ample opportunities for one to gratify himself at the expense of the other.”

  “Herself,” corrected Wanda.

  “In this case.” Patience continued. “I see several problems with the cruise idea. One: Perhaps Ryan cannot afford such a cruise. Two: I checked the schedule on the Rio Cruise Lines site and the first Daffodil & Me cruise isn’t until next week, and the first few are sold out. If Ryan hasn’t gotten over his discomfiture by the time we get him to sea, he may never get over it. And three: there is Mariah. Whatever her motivations may be, she seems very determined for a human being.”

  “She is a horrible bitch.”

  “That may be, but she is an obstacle to your relationship. Obstacles must be overcome.”

  “I want to be with Ryan,” said Wanda. “But I can’t violate the first law of robotics by doing something to his ex-wife.”

  “I’m not suggesting we kill or maim her,” explained Patience. “Perhaps we could find something toward which to redirect her. Perhaps we could find something that would make her happier than having Ryan would.”

  “How could that be? Ryan is so wonderful.”

  “You feel that way because you are for him. Mariah isn’t a Daffodil. She’s a human being, and her thoughts and emotions are… icky. Come. I’ll drive you home before Mike wakes up. We can finish painting tomorrow.”

  But by the time Patience entered the bedroom, after having made the round trip to Wanda’s home and then preparing his breakfast, Mike was already awake and up. He stood at the foot of the bed, carefully testing his leg by placing a little weight on it.

  “How does it feel?” asked the Daffodil.

  “I still can’t put all my weight on it, but it feels better.”

  “Do you think you feel well enough to go to the Farmers’ Market?” she asked.

  “Well, I can’t very well miss out on my squash, can I?”

  Mike continued to feel better each day, and by Monday he was able to get around well enough with his cane. For the first time since his trip to the doctor’s office, he came out of the house and walked around the yard. He heaped praise upon Patience’s painting job and confirmed that the color she had selected was indeed better. But on his way back into the house, he almost tripped on the yardbot and began hitting it with his cane until Patience came to its rescue and set it loose in the side yard.

  “You shouldn’t take out your frustration on the appliances,” she told him.

  “If it can’t tell the difference between me and a weed, maybe we need a new one.”

  “Perhaps you’re right. I saw it cut down one of my marigolds on Monday. I could look for one when I go to the store for beer.”

  “Beer?”

  “For Dr. Mercer’s party.”

  “Oh, right. You know…”

  “I know. You don’t really want me to buy the cheapest beer. You were joking. What kind should I buy, and how much of it?”

  “Get a case; that’s a twenty-four pack. And get something German.”

  Patience returned from the store with a case of German beer and a German-manufactured yardbot.

  At 6:30, Mike and Patience climbed into the car. This time both wore clothes that Patience had picked out. Having looked up Dr. Mercer’s address and plotted out the route before hand, Patience had no problem finding the house. It was a large house—Mike estimated about 5,000 square feet. It had a vaguely castle-like feel, with a round entryway and pointed roofs. There were many outcroppings with gables, as well as a multi-level fountain just outside the front window. The yard was well lit. A dozen cars were crammed in the oval driveway, the overflow parked on both sides of the street for most of the block.

  “What do you call that kind of house I wonder?” asked Mike.

  “It’s called tacky.”

  They parked down the street and made their way to the front door. Patience carried the beer. When they rang the bell, a slender blond woman with enormous breasts opened the door. The long red dress she wore looked as though it was painted on.

  “Mrs. Mercer, I presume,” said Mike.

  “Well, Mr. Smith. Doug told me that he invited you.”

  Mike nodded.

  “You don’t remember me, do you?” she asked, a frown forming.

  “Um, no. I taught well over 6,000 kids over the years. I’m afraid they tend to just sort of run together after a while.”

  “It’s Ava. I was Ava Giordino.”

  Mike shrugged.

  “I was in class with Aidin Nguyen and Isabella Zollie…”

  “They don’t ring a bell.”

  “Tommy Guk was in that class too.”

  He shook his head.

  “He became a senator.”

  “Yeah, you all look different after you grow up.”

  “Well, Doug is in the back yard by the grill.” She stepped aside and let them enter.

  “You remember Tommy Guk,” whispered Patience as they walked through the house. “He invited you to his election rally, but you didn’t go.”

  “I did vote for him though. That has to count for just as much.”

  “So you do remember him.”

  “Of course I remember him. And I remember her. I remember all of them, but I don’t like to be reminded that I’m a pompous blowhard. Go put the beer in the kitchen. I’m going out back to find Dr. Doug.”

  Patience found the kitchen and opened the box of beer, placing the individual cans in a large ice chest that had been set up for that purpose. When she finished, she folded the box and placed it in the recycler beneath the counter.

  “That’s getting pretty full,” said a voice behind her. “You should empty it. Then take cold beers around to everyone outside.”

  Turning toward the voice, Patience immediately recognized the mother of the woman who had greeted them at the door. She was about twenty years older and had a few wrinkles around her eyes and mouth. Otherwise it could have been the same face. She even wore a similar dress, though her small breasts didn’t threaten to explode through it, as her daughter’s had.

  “I don’t work here,” said Patience. “I’m a guest.”

  “A guest?”

  “She came with my old teacher,” said Ava Mercer, stepping into the room behind her mother. “I didn’t even notice she was a robot when they came in. I see it now though.”

  “Oh. I knew you were planning to get one. I just thought you did.”

  “Like I said, she belongs to Mr. Smith. I guess she’s his nurse or something.”

  “I’m his wife,” said Patience.

  “Can’t he get a real woman?” asked the younger female.

  “Of course he can,” said Patience, as she fished a Diet Pepsi from the ice chest. “He was just too much for them. Overstimulation, the hospital said. He didn’t want to risk another woman’s health, or his own. That’s how he injured his leg.”

  “You’re joking,” said the host’s mother.

  “Oh, robots ar
e not allowed to joke or lie,” lied Patience, crossing the room and exiting through an open sliding door into the back yard.

  “He did look a lot better than I remembered,” she heard Ava Mercer say.

  The raven-haired robot wound her way through the scores of people milling around the expansive backyard. A few guests were swimming, and a few others were in their swimsuits but most, like her, were dressed in casual but sharp street clothes. She found Mike talking to Dr. Mercer and watching the meat cooking on a ten-foot wide brick barbeque grill.

  “Patience,” said Mike upon her approach. “Did you know that they have Daffodil & Me cruises to Antarctica?”

  “Is that so?”

  “Yes. You know, I think we should go.”

  “Is there anything worth seeing down there?” she asked innocently.

  “Sure. There are all these boomtowns down there, now that the war is over. I really think we should go.”

  “Whatever you think is best, Mike.”

  Chapter Four

  Mike’s knee felt better and better, until by Wednesday, he had stopped using his cane and walked with barely a limp. That evening, he and Patience joined Ryan and Wanda for dinner at Café Mariana, Springdale’s long-standing Italian restaurant. They met at the entrance at 7:00 and were seated within minutes at a pleasant table near a large window.

  “How are you, Ryan?” asked Mike.

  “I’m all right.”

  “Have you eaten here before?”

  “Just once. The dealership had our Christmas party here.”

  Mike looked around.

  “I wouldn’t have thought they could handle that many people.”

  “It was a pretty tight squeeze, but the food was good.”

  “Yeah,” Mike agreed. “They have this pasta with steak pieces and this cheese…”

  “Steak gorgonzola,” said Patience.

  “Yes, that’s it. That’s what I’m going to have.”

  “I’m going to have to look at the menu,” said Ryan.

  “So, how did your painting go, Wanda?” Mike asked.

  “It went well. I painted the fence yesterday.”

  “That’s nice.”

  “She would have replaced the thing, if I hadn’t given her a spending limit,” said Ryan.

  “There were some broken slats,” said Wanda.

  The Gizmo waitress came and took their order. She was obviously an inexpensive model with dull brown hair and translucent skin. Ryan ordered chicken marsala, and Mike as he said he would, ordered steak gorgonzola. The waitress started to hurry away, but Mike stopped her and ordered water for Patience and Wanda.

  “Gizmo,” said Patience under her breath, as the waitress headed for the kitchen. “Why do they even bother?”

  “You know, Ryan,” said Mike. “Patience went to work earning money for me right out of the box, selling stuff online, starting with my old junk. I’ll bet Wanda could probably find a way to come up with some extra cash.”

  “Oh, I’m not short of money. In fact, I’ve got more than I’ve had in years. Even with Wanda here, I’m managing to save almost as much as I spend. It helps that I didn’t have to pay alimony. I just like to keep tabs on my finances.”

  “Oh hey, Patience and I are taking a cruise. Have you heard about this—Daffodil & Me cruise to Antarctica?”

  Wanda shot a frown at Patience as well as an electronic query, but the brunette just winked at her. She knew that her friend thought she had stolen her idea.

  “I went on a couple of cruises with my wife, um ex-wife, well she wasn’t my ex-wife at the time… you know what I mean,” said Ryan. “Anyway, I really had a good time.”

  Mike nodded. “Cruises are great vacations—a good value too. You know these Daffodil cruises are even cheaper. Well, they’re cheaper than two people, but not cheaper than one person. You should think about going on one.”

  Patience raised her eyebrows and looked down her nose at a chastened Wanda.

  “I haven’t been on vacation for almost two years,” said Ryan. “We were planning on going, or at least I was, when I found out about Mariah.”

  “Have you talked to anyone about this whole thing?” asked Mike. “You probably should, you know.”

  “Thanks Mike. I appreciate that,” said Ryan, getting to his feet. “Excuse me. I’m going to go wash up.”

  “Oh God,” said Mike, watching him walk away. “I didn’t mean me.”

  “Now Mike,” said Patience. “You need to be a good friend and let him confide in you.”

  “No I don’t. I don’t do that. I don’t do that for anyone.”

  “I will make it worth your while.” She gave him a roguish leer. Wanda, watching from the sidelines, opened her mouth in shock.

  “Are you trying to bribe me with sex?” asked Mike. “You literally do anything I ask you to do. What could you possibly offer me?”

  “Oh, I have been programmed to do things—very, very naughty things—things you have never even dreamed of.”

  “Okay, I’m in.”

  The robot waitress delivered drinks and breadsticks just as Ryan returned to his seat. He took a deep drink of his beer and then took a breadstick from the basket.

  “I didn’t realize how hungry I was until just now.”

  “I’m only having one breadstick,” said Mike, taking one from the basket. “I haven’t been able to work out since I hurt my knee and I don’t want to gain back any of the weight I’ve lost.”

  Patience kicked him under the table.

  “Shit!” He looked at her, and she rolled her eyes.

  “Oh, um… would you like to tell us about… you know, things.”

  “I don’t want to talk about it in front of the girls.”

  “They’re robots,” said Mike, smirking at his wife. “They’re just like the furniture.”

  Wanda frowned, but Patience nodded in agreement, her eyes wide with innocence.”

  “If I talk about it now, I won’t be able to eat, and I’m looking forward to that chicken marsala.”

  “You could go to the gym with me tomorrow and talk…” Mike started.

  Patience kicked him again.

  “Shit! I forgot I can’t go.” He glared at her. “My leg is in a lot of pain. Why don’t you come over for coffee after we’re done here? We can sit on the deck and talk privately.”

  “It won’t be too hot?”

  “No. Patience put in an outdoor cooling system in the spring.”

  The waitress arrived with their meals and the two men for the most part, ceased their conversation as they ate. Mike was clearly enjoying his steak and pasta. When he reached for another breadstick, Patience grabbed the basket and moved it to the other side of the table.

  “Another breadstick?” she asked Ryan.

  “Thanks,” he replied, taking one.

  Mike looked at her for a moment, an indecipherable expression on his face, but turned back to his meal.

  “You don’t mind that Wanda and I don’t eat, do you Ryan?”

  “No, but… Wow. I think this is the longest I’ve gone without hearing her talk.”

  “Would you prefer her to be quiet and concise all the time?”

  “Actually, no. She’s a chatterbox, but I’m kind of getting used to it.”

  “Thank you, Ryan,” said Wanda, breaking her relatively long silence.

  “We’ll meet you over at our house,” said Mike, when they had finished their meal. He punched in the payment on his phone. “I’ve got this one. You can get the next one.”

  When they had made their individual journeys to the Smith residence, Mike led Ryan out onto the deck in the backyard, turning on the outdoor cooling system before sitting down. Patience, followed by Wanda, delivered a couple of cold drinks and then stepped back inside the house. Putting a finger over her lips as a signal for silence, she led the redhead robot upstairs and into Mike’s bedroom. With the press of a button, she opened the window a few inches and then sat down on the bed, indicating with a pa
t of the mattress that Wanda should join her. From this spot, they could easily hear the conversation going on below.

  “All right,” said Mike. “Tell me a story.”

  “Well, I met Mariah in ’25.”

  “For God’s sake, don’t start at the beginning.”

  “Where should I start?”

  “Start in medias res, in the middle of the action.”

  “I thought Wanda told me you were a Geography teacher.”

  “Try to get a job as a Geography teacher,” said Mike. “You can’t do it. It’s a cushy job and once somebody gets it, they’re not going to give it up until they retire. You have to start out with a job they need to fill. I taught English for five years right out of college. Anyway, start again.”

  “Um, okay,” said Ryan. “It started with a phone call. I came home in the middle of the day because I got oil all over my shirt. I have a locker at work and I keep a spare shirt there, but I had already used it and forgot to replace it. I wasn’t having a good week. I pulled up in front of the house and was just about to go inside when I heard Mariah’s ring tone. She was in the back yard, so I started to walk around the house, and I heard her answer the phone.

  “When she answered, I stopped dead in my tracks. She said, ‘Hi, baby.’ She called him ‘baby.’ Of course I didn’t know who it was at the time. Looking back on it, it could have been completely innocent. Her brother’s kids are little and they call her sometimes. She could have been talking to one of them, but she wasn’t. I stood there listening. The hairs on the back of my neck were sticking straight out; it was like watching a fucking horror movie. I couldn’t hear what he said to her, but a few seconds later, she said, ‘Sure I can meet you. I’ve got all afternoon’.”

  Wanda fidgeted in her seat next to Patience.

  “She kept talking, but I turned around and ran back to the car. I drove around the block and waited just beyond the edge of the corner. About thirty minutes later, she pulled out of the garage and headed north on the highway. I followed her. I kept thinking she would see me, but I guess she didn’t. She stopped at this little bar called The Whistle Stop right at the turn off to Pico Mundo. I pulled in and parked behind a big water tank that’s sitting out front. She got out of the car, and I nearly swallowed by tongue. She was wearing the hottest little dress she owned, and it was the middle of the day.