I immediately repositioned in my chair and cleared my throat lightly, then taking a tiny sip of my water. I didn’t want to draw any attention to myself. Maybe I was just getting hot from the stuffiness in the room. The air had been still all day today it seemed.
When that didn't resolve the matter, I excused myself and sped walked to almost a slow jog, bolting for the restroom. I had barely made it before my stomach revolted.
There was no keeping in the poison that was wreaking havoc on my belly.
The sounds must have been magnified as Donna, my admin, came into check on me instantaneously.
“Are you okay, Ms. Gray?” I heard her knock lightly on the bathroom door and then the paper towel machine being pulled and water running.
“Yeah, I think I am. I must have eaten something bad this morning. The cream cheese was a little warm, maybe that was what it was.” I had swallowed a bagel this morning without chewing, trying to prepare for the meeting. I normally was prepared but not last night. I had fallen asleep after crying and overslept.
“Here under the door, a wet paper towel. It always helps me.”
“Thank you.”
“Shall I tell Mr. Thomas and the executives in the meeting that you will be back or that you need to excuse yourself?”
“Give me a few minutes and I’ll see.”
“Okay, Ms. Gray. I’ll be happy to do anything you need. Just let me know.” I heard her heels click away and I laid my head on the toilet seat, knowing I would regret doing.
I had my head where asses sat and the thought would surely make me ill later.
I made it out of the restroom after a few minutes and pulled myself together. The cold paper towel helped, and I soaked another one to hold in my hand for a few minutes as I made my appearance into the conference room.
Get it together, Emma!
I slid down into my leather chair and tried to tune back into what I had missed. I found myself almost slouching, not able to sit up straight showing any type of authority.
“Are you okay?” Mr. Thomas asked.
I nodded yes in response, although I wasn't sure that was the truth. I had hoped my face wasn’t reflecting what my insides were feeling.
He spoke up, luckily trying to put me out of my misery. I appreciated it but I didn't ever like to appear weak.
“Let us wrap it up, shall we?” He said looking irritated.
Elizabeth and Ron said a few more things, I couldn't tell you what they were, but then the president thanked them for the presentation and then left the room, leaving me with them.
“You don't look so good, Emma, you okay?” Elizabeth asked, trying to be sweet while trying not to point the finger at me for ending the presentation early.
I leaned back slightly in the chair and answered her in a hushed tone. “I will be, I think I just ate some bad cream cheese this morning.”
“I’ll leave the proposals for you to go over and then you can let Ron and I know if and when we have the okay. I am very excited working with you in this endeavor.”
“Thank you, and I will certainly let you know.” I took the proposal in my hand. “I will look it over and then speak with Mr. Thomas to see what his thoughts were.”
“I will keep my fingers crossed,” Elizabeth said in that chipper voice you certainly did not want to hear when you felt sick.
Gag. It was the equivalent of someone sticking their finger down my throat.
She walked out of the room with a pep in her step, like she just proposed a lunch rather than a million dollar marketing bid.
I waited until the room was clear and then laid my head on the cool glass desk. As soon as my head hit the table, I turned my cheek so I could feel the coolness. I was talking to myself, telling my stomach to calm down when the horrid feeling came again. The trash can, luckily close to me, allowing the evacuation.
The only thing I could think about was getting myself home, in bed, closing my eyes to ease my stomach.
This wasn’t how I had planned to spend my morning.
And I was never eating cream cheese again.
“Pregnant.”
“Excuse me? That’s not possible. I have been on the same pill for over a decade, never missed a cycle, never missed a dose.”
“It happens,” the doctor commented confidently.
“It is not supposed to happen. I take it at the exact time every single morning.”
“Nothing is one-hundred-percent effective.”
“But for ten years it was.” I was staring off into the distance, shocked at what she was telling me. This had to be a dream, an unsettling delirium.
“Emma, you are one-hundred-percent pregnant. In fact, you are six weeks.”
I knew exactly when it happened. The moment flashed fast forward in my mind, Cash and I were going crazy over each other as if our life depended on our touching each other. Not able to get enough of each other, not wanting it to end. It was one of the best nights of my life. Now a night I would know exactly when my baby was conceived.
“Dr. Lee, I drank alcohol several times in those weeks. I hope I didn't hurt my baby…” My hand fell to my stomach in worry.
“You’re fine, Emma, you had no way of knowing. This happens all the time. But absolutely no more drinking.”
“Not a problem. I want my baby to be healthy.”
“Is there a father you want me to add to your chart? I ask this because right now, I do not have an emergency contact and I do like to have that in case we need it on record.”
“There obviously is a father, but I’m not sure how I am going to deal with that yet. If you can put down Breigh Galloway, she’s my best friend.”
“Okay, I can do that. But I will say with the risk of sounding like a counselor, if able, a baby always is better with two parents. It is extremely hard on two people, much less one.”
“I just have some things to figure out. I will though.”
“I understand. And as your physician I will not bring it up again. My job is to make sure you and the baby are safe and healthy.”
I shook my head, feeling the breeze hitting me from wearing the gown that was open in the front.
“I will refer you to Dr. Green. He is the best obstetrician in town.”
“Okay, thank you.”
Dr. Lee handed me a list of things to look for, home remedies to help relieve them, things to avoid and samples of prenatal vitamins.
“Call me with any questions, and I will see you in four weeks.”
“Thank you.”
I held on to the papers and the box of samples like my life depended on it.
I smiled happy and then without asking for permission from myself, I began weeping.
The one man I love, I am having a child with him. And I had no idea on how or what to do. In every situation in my life, I knew what to do, but not with Cash.
17
EMMA
“Mom, seriously, I didn’t need you to cook all this food for me.” I surveyed the living room wooden coffee table with the little plates she had arranged just for me. My parents’ home had been the exact same for as long as I remembered. My mother had done little things here or there but in general everything was the same: the smell, the look, the feel. It was home.
“I know I didn't but I loved the thought of filling up your belly with you having a baby to feed.” She smiled ear to ear.
“I am really glad you took this better than I expected. I mean, I knew you would be supportive but I wasn't sure how you’d truly feel about it. Plus with Dad’s health issues now.”
I looked over my shoulder to see what she was doing. Mom stopped where she was and walked back to me. She took a seat beside me, taking my hand in hers.
“Emma, there would never be a time I wouldn't support you. Even if I didn't agree with your choice I would still support you. It is hard being a mother, and knowing what to say in certain situations. I know I have done things in the past to mess that up.”
“No you haven’t…I
made bad choices…”
“You were a teen…I’m not going to tell you I wasn’t frustrated with you telling me you were pregnant, but that was because I wanted things to be easy for you. Easier than they were for me. If you remember, your grandmother was not happy that your father and I were seeing each other. Then when I got pregnant she about had a stroke.”
“I mean mistakes as an adult. I think I waited too long, was too picky. Played the field too long.”
“Of course I would have rather had you settle down earlier, but it is your life to live.”
I began to talk and tell her that, no, the pregnancy wasn't an ideal situation but that things would be fine. If God placed this baby in me it was for a reason. But I did agree that I wanted to be married, in a happy marriage and not having to figure out how I was going to be a single mother.
“But you are a stronger woman than I was.”
“I don’t know about that.”
She leaned back relaxing, almost looking off into space. The house was quiet with the screen of the television pulled up, waiting to make our selection of which movie we were going to watch together.
“I know you don't want to tell the father yet, which let me go on record saying, I am completely against, but also can I ask you one question?”
“Yes…”
“Do you love him? Or did you love him when you made this baby with him?”
“Yes, absolutely, I still love him.”
“Then?”
“I am not sure he is ready to be a father.”
“Do you honestly think a man is ever ready? I love your father… he is the best husband and father but he wasn't ready. Hell, I wasn't ready. You become ready when you hold that baby for the first time. You will never be prepared enough for a child.”
“Cash is selfish, he has gotten a lot better but I don't want to pretend he would want this.”
“You never know… stranger things have happened.”
“I don’t want him to marry me, or build a life with me, because of a child. I know every child deserves that… look at the home you and Dad gave me. I was one of the only kids I knew who had both parents together who really loved each other.”
“Just playing devil’s advocate… what if he loves you just as you do him? Maybe he isn't as selfish as you think? And you are making his decision for him?”
“I don’t know, Mom. It is all so much.”
“You have time, Emma. Your father and I are here for you and we will figure everything out.”
“I am so thankful for both of you. I really am.”
I lean toward her and she hugs me. “Everything has a way of working out. It always does. That is why I don’t lose faith, I don't lose faith in God’s ability to cure, like for your father, and I don't lose faith in God’s ability to do what he knows is right, what’s supposed to be…”
Mom stood up. “I’m only going to say one more thing. Don't make the decision of what others would do… I’ve made that mistake before and I was wrong. I’m going to go make some tea for us now.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
After four hours at my parents’ house and a full belly, all I could think about was getting home to take a nap and kicking my feet up. I had work I had to get done but luckily I had time to do it. I pondered how I was going to approach Mr. Thomas to fill them in on what I had planned for working as the pregnancy progressed. Thankfully, I still had time though.
I was a planner and not knowing what was going on in my future bothered me. And it hurt knowing that I wasn't going to be prepared for my baby. The baby I had prayed and wished for as long as I could remember.
I opened my phone and began looking through the messages that Cash had sent me. In total there were twelve, all sweet, some short, some long. All of them expressing how he felt about me in some way.
I started with the very first one and my heart melted as I read them. Back-to-back I took them all in. I had been ignoring him since the night at Blue’s and he hadn’t given up on me yet. He wanted to know what happened, but then without my responses his texts began saying a simple… I love you.
It was time for me to write him back.
Emma: Cash, I just got back from my parents’ house and have been thinking about you. I have been sitting here reading your texts telling me how you feel. I feel that it is time that I do the same for you.
You deserve to know how I feel. So here it goes…Cash, I love you. I have loved you from the moment I met you on that dance floor at Kelleye Joe’s. I love you for what you are and what you aren’t. I want you in my life more than I want anything right now, for several reasons but I can’t. The night I saw you at Blue’s made me rethink all the progress we had made. You were with her…I can’t unsee it. I wish I could. Yes, I love you and probably always will, but I need more now.
Love always, Emma
I sent the text and then laid my phone down, pondering if I should have ripped the Band-Aid off and told him about our baby. I wanted to badly, but I didn't want him to stand at my door and tell me things just because he knew I wanted to hear them. That he was sorry, whatever excuse he had for that night at Blue’s, and then promise he would make it all right. We both needed more.
I closed my eyes, lying back on my couch, feeling relief from some of the stress I had felt. It was a start, and I hoped it would mean something to him. I didn’t want to think of my life with anyone else. But I needed him to think the same way. And not because of my pregnancy.
CASH
I read Emma’s text over and over, trying to understand what she had said, what she wanted me to take from it.
The look in her eyes that night at Blue’s was something I had never seen before. I hurt her badly. I wasn’t able to tell her what really happened, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to tell her in a text. I needed her to see my eyes, and know I was speaking the truth. I was still unsure about a lot of things in my life, but Emma was not one of them. I loved her. I had never loved a woman before in my life and I knew one-hundred-percent that I loved her.
Suddenly everything came into focus. The bad things I had done to her… promising things and then disappearing. The bad I had done to Wyatt in our past…. I mean, shit, I slept with one of his girlfriends. I couldn't have cared in the least about the girl, but she was his… and I wanted to be like him.
The women from my past flashed over my mind like a PowerPoint and I had absolutely zero feelings about any of them. But then the brunette who walked into my life that one night when I was supposed to be meeting my brother hooked me. She spoke her mind; she was independent and strong. She had also been hurt by me…. like others. I knew without a doubt I would spend the rest of my life making up for it.
I sent her a bouquet of flowers to her work, hoping she’d see them and smile. I had work to do… and frankly she was the one thing I would work for until my dying breath. I ordered one simple line on her flowers, “I need to see you. I love you. Cash.”
I hoped she felt my intentions were true and I really would show her I wasn’t giving up.
18
CASH
“I’m so glad I could have a little time with both my boys,” Mom said, with a convincing smile on her face.
We were at Wyatt and Breigh’s house for a Sunday lunch. I had actually gone to church with them and it was far in contrast from what I remembered. I could do this every Sunday.
“Mom, you see us all the time now,” I said with an eye roll, as she was making a big deal about seeing us.
“That is true, I’m thankful for that. I missed too much, involved in things that really didn't matter while you two were growing up. Plus, if you recall, you didn’t want anything to do with me before all this.”
“True,” I said agreeing. She was right.
“I couldn’t even imagine missing all the steps Olivia makes. I want to be here for everything…” Wyatt said.
“I always knew you would make a good father. Some guys have the gene and some don’t. My father had it. H
e was so loving and caring, even my granddaddy had it.”
“I guess I missed that boat,” I said.
“Don’t be so sure, Cash. I see how you are with Olivia. Your father was a real disaster.” She laughed, taking a drink of her iced tea. “Seriously, look at some of the pictures, you can see it.”
“Well, you know how I feel about Dad,” Wyatt said.
I didn’t make any comments. I was feeling sympathetic for all the people he had hurt.
Mom must have sensed my hesitation.
“Cash, you okay?”
“I will be. I guess I am just really struggling thinking about all the things I bought into from Dad. I believed him when he told me things. Hell, I wanted to follow in his footsteps. I was such a fool and it makes me want to kill him.”
“He played his parts well. I’ve known him for over forty years and he fooled me plenty.”
“He’s a manipulator,” Wyatt spoke up.
“Then why did you know it, and I didn’t? Mom didn’t. Why did you know?” I asked curiously.
“I don’t know… I just saw him do dirty things. I heard his comments and I observed how he treated people. How he treated Mom. How he treated you compared to me. He loved to start conflict between us two rather than letting us get along.”
“I just wonder why I didn't see it. It was right in front of my face. Maybe if I would have dug in a little more or paid more attention, I would have seen what he was doing and prevented us from losing the company, from the people losing their jobs.”
Mom shook her head no. “What would you have done differently?”
“I don’t know… I just wish I would have had the chance to do something.”
Mom looked at me with shock and then smiled. “Whether you realize it or not, Cash, you didn’t once say anything about you. You are thinking about others rather than yourself.”
Our Season (Lifetime Love Series) Page 10