Hawke's Game

by Natasha West

  While I waited for Jacob’s call, I checked my emails. Amongst the junk mail, there was an email from Penny. My heart did a small involuntary jump at the sight of her name. I didn’t read too much into that reaction but I couldn’t help thinking about our meeting. What were the odds that at such a low point, she should appear? And I had to admit, she’d looked great. The nominal amount of youthful puppy fat still remaining when I’d last seen her had dropped off her newly sharp cheekbones, letting the wholesome beauty of her face shine utterly. Her dark blonde hair was longer now and it fell around her shoulders in soft waves. Her eyes, that particular jade green, shone with a new sureness. It seemed like some of the confidence that I’d seen start to emerge when I’d known her had grown in. She was coming into her own, that had been clear.

  But you only had to speak to her to see she was still the old, sweet Penny. I was glad to see that. When I’d thought about Penny in the time since I’d seen her last, I’d had a slight fear that our relationship might have damaged her in some way, made her cynical. But from our brief conversation, I’d seen no sign of it. She’d been generous and compassionate, just as I remembered her.

  I opened the email.

  ‘Julia, here’s the first six chapters. Don’t go easy on me.

  Penny

  P.S It was great to see you.’

  I couldn’t help but smile. She’d always had a way of bringing light to my day. It was nice to see that hadn’t changed, even though our relationship had. I was happy that she’d asked for my help because firstly, I hadn’t been exaggerating, she really had been my best student. But secondly, the thought that I might get a chance to build a friendship with her was a nice one. I had never thought it possible before. But I wasn’t counting my chickens. I didn’t expect anything of her. She owed me exactly nothing.

  I opened the attachment. The book was called ‘Many Moons Ago’ and it was a tale of time travel. I was slightly surprised that Penny had moved into writing science fiction, as she hadn’t written anything in that style for me in her first year but I was pleased to see her branching out into other genres. It always seemed to me to be a good thing when writers didn’t confine themselves to a genre or topic and were willing to take risks outside their comfort zone. And Penny had always been a risk taker.

  I read the first three chapters and the prose was, quite simply, gorgeous. She had developed into her style beautifully. But she had said she was having problems so I turned my critical faculties on. As I reread the first few chapters, I could see that the themes of the book were a little unfocused. There were a lot of ideas, and that was possibly her problem. But it was an embarrassment of riches, and with a little help to pare it down, I thought she really had something.

  I began to write my thoughts down to send but I had never liked giving notes via email. It always felt a little cold blooded and didn’t allow for a dialogue, which to me was always part of the process. I decided to ask for a face to face.

  ‘Penny, first off, this is great stuff. But I think I know what your problem is. Would you like to meet to talk it through?

  Julia,

  P.S Great to see you too.’

  My finger hovered over the send icon. Something was stopping me. Was I worried she’d say no? Maybe a little. I was angry at the nerves I felt so I clicked send just to tell them they held no power in this situation. I told myself that it didn’t matter whether she said no or not. It was a lie, I knew that. But it was the lie that I chose. And that gave me control over the situation.

  A second later, my phone rang. It was Jacob.

  ‘That didn’t take you long.’

  ‘It was a quick phone call to a business reporter I know, Jimmy. No sweat. But if you want to send me a gift, my iPad is on the fritz’ he said dryly.

  ‘How about I just keep generating lots of beautiful clicks for you?’

  He chuckled.

  ‘I’ll take it. So, Jimmy told me that after Phillip Murphy died, there were a few pretenders to the throne, but his granddaughter Alexandra Murphy is at the front of the pack. It’s got a lot of people pretty angry, because of the nepotism angle. But Philip Murphy had a lot of respect and it was his wish that she replace him. The board intends to put their faith in his recommendation. Apparently she’s been basically doing the job since he died, although it’s not set in stone yet. But they’re going to announce her in a few weeks. So, do you know her?’

  Alexandra Murphy? No synapses fired in response to that name.

  ‘It’s not ringing any bells. But it’s somewhere to start. Thanks, Jacob.’

  ‘No problem, anything for my top reporter.’

  ‘I bet you say that to all your reporters.’

  ‘Yes I do. But it has to be true of someone. It could easily be you.’

  ‘Anything’s possible. Be in touch.’

  I hung up and immediately googled the name, Alexandra Murphy. In a world where you can find a picture of anything or anyone, she was the exception. There were a few business articles that mentioned her in relation to the company, chronicling her rise through the ranks, but no detail that helped me at all. I searched the electoral records. There were quite a few people by that name but I managed to pare the list down by using the few details I could glean, such as age, and then cross referencing it with the post codes of people with money, heiress to a publishing empire type money. I found someone in Medford who seemed a likely candidate, being that it was possibly someone I’d know. I would go and check her out tomorrow.

  My email pinged. It was Penny.

  ‘I’d love to meet. Name where and when.’

  It momentarily distracted me from my hunt for Alexandra Murphy. Penny wanted to see me again. Even if it was just professional, we might still salvage something positive from the wreckage of our relationship. I was a little more excited about that than I wanted to be. After all, I had Lauren. She was the only person who was supposed to get me excited. Maybe not right now, with things as they were. Normally, though. But I told myself that the beginnings of a friendship had these feelings too.

  Chapter Eight

  I looked at my phone, the time was 11.58. Julia was due in two minutes. I’d been here twenty minutes already, prone as I was to being early. But it wasn’t just a leaning toward punctuality that had made me come early, I wanted to feel settled and comfortable in the coffee shop before Julia arrived. Last time I’d seen her, I’d been taken completely by surprise. I’d felt unprepared and thrown by the situation. This time, I wanted to be a bit more at ease, not to seem like such a mess. Not for Julia, but for myself.

  In the old days, the dynamic between us had been a bit unbalanced. She’d been my teacher and I’d been the naïve young student. But now, yes I was still asking her to teach me essentially, but I couldn’t see any reason why we couldn’t be a bit more in balance with one another. Why we couldn’t just be two writers.

  Not that I put myself in Julia’s league, of course. I’d read all of her early published work. She was a serious talent, not to mention an astute teacher, which is why it would be silly not to take advantage of her experience. But that’s all I wanted it to be with her now. A knowledgeable adviser at least, a friendship at most. The shock of seeing her before had caught me completely off guard and maybe I’d felt a few flickers of the old feelings, but that was natural, I thought. These things didn’t just vanish. But they didn’t have to mean anything in the grand scheme of things.

  At the moment I thought that, she walked in and I was provided with an immediate reminder of those flickers. I think it was the way she made her entrance, that self-assured strut, and her immediate ease with the man behind the counter. Even if she had only been average looking, which she most certainly was not, that confidence would always catch your attention. Because a lot of people walked around like that but with most of them, you would quickly catch on to the fact that there was something artificial about it. But having known Julia as personally as I had, I knew that sureness was real. I remembered that it was somet
hing I’d been struck by on that first day of class. She couldn’t walk into a room without looking like she owned it, no matter what room it was. I wondered if I’d ever be that confident.

  She had her coffee now and she’d spotted me. She came over and despite my efforts, I felt a little unravelled as she approached. Pull it together, Penny. She’s just a person. More to the point, the person that stomped on your heart a year and a half ago, I reminded myself.

  ‘Hi.’

  ‘Hi.’

  She slid into the seat next to me and put her coffee down on the table. We looked at each other for a second and I had the urge to laugh. I was able to restrain it, thank god. That would have been a great start to my desire for equality with her, if I’d started giggling like a school girl. I decided if I wanted to get this on track, I was going to have to take the lead.

  ‘Thanks for taking the time to read the pages. I really appreciate it.’

  She grinned.

  ‘You said that already. You don’t have to keep thanking me for this, you know. I’m glad to do it.’

  I smiled ruefully.

  ‘Well, even so. This thing is murder on me at the moment and I’ve got a feeling you’re going to break the miserable streak I’m on.’

  She pulled out a notebook, slapping it down on the table.

  ‘No pressure then’ she kidded.

  ‘I’m not too worried about that. You’ve never let me down before.’

  I realised what I’d said and my face began to go pink. She raised an eyebrow at me.

  ‘In the classroom, I mean. Because you were a good teacher.’

  She watched me squirm for a second and she took pity on me. She nodded her head evenly.

  ‘I know what you meant.’

  She opened her notebook and I was pleased to see tightly packed scribbled notes all over the page. She was taking this as seriously as I was. I hadn’t been trying to devolve into digs about the past, but sometimes these things crept up on you. But I could see she wasn’t going to let my slip up take away her resolve to do what she’d come here to do. Seeing how professionally she was behaving relaxed me. We could rely on work to steady the ship.

  Although, as she began to reread her notes, I remembered that it was actually work that had been my downfall the first time. Because we weren’t discussing a dispassionate topic, we were talking about my writing work. It was intensely personal. And I’d gotten emotional. That’s what had let to that first time at the cabin. And all at once, my memory was flooded with images of that day. Julia, naked, her head between my thighs. My body shaking in ecstasy.

  ‘Are you OK?’

  My mind was torn from its base descent to see Julia staring at me with mild concern. Had my face betrayed its thoughts?

  ‘I’m fine. I just… I guess I’m just a bit nervous to hear what you think.’

  She seemed to accept the lie.

  ‘You don’t need to worry about that. It’s good work, Penny. I liked it a lot.’

  At any other time I would have been thrilled to hear Julia compliment my work like that but I was still trying to shake off the memories that were trying to get into my mind. But it was a brief fight and I pulled myself back into the moment, clinging to Julia’s words like the wreckage of my sanity. She liked the book. And her opinion mattered. Not just to me, it had been respected throughout Medford University at one point. I gave her the best smile that I could muster.

  ‘I’m glad you like it.’

  She smiled back and glanced back down at her notes and I took the moment to collect myself.

  ‘So, I’ve had a look at it and I’ve got some thoughts about what might be causing you trouble.’

  And just like that, my book was at the front of my thoughts. The simplicity was a relief.

  ‘I think it’s good that it’s complex but I think you may be making more work for yourself than you need to.’

  I nodded. I’d been thinking this myself but I hadn’t been able to narrow down the problem any further.

  ‘Looking at that first chapter, it seemed like there were maybe as many as three character motivations emerging. Was that your intent?’

  I was astonished. Three? I’d thought there was only one.

  ‘God, no.’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  She sat back in her chair, letting the question sink in. Thinking quickly about it, I realised she was right. When I’d started the book, I’d had the idea that the central character would travel though time, looking for the period that they belonged in, that perfect moment. She travels throughout the past and the future, looking for the place that she fits into. But at the edge of my mind had been other ideas, other things she was looking for. Love, for example. Those things had seemed linked with her search for the perfect time, but maybe they weren’t. Maybe they were distracting from it.

  ‘Damn. You’re right. How did I miss that?’

  She dismissed my self-criticism with a wave of her hand, making my lack of perception seem unimportant.

  ‘You can easily miss these things from the inside. I’ve done it myself, many times. You let yourself get distracted by ideas that intrigue you. This is not the last time you’ll make this mistake, I promise you. I still make it now. But one simple powerful idea is all you ever need.’

  Anyone else might have been a little smug in a moment like that. Not Julia, though. It reminded me of how good a teacher she was. She wasn’t just insightful, she was generous with herself. All the talent she possessed, all of her teaching experience, and she never put herself above you.

  ‘When this happens to me, I find it helps to go back a step. I write a new outline for the story, to find the core of it.’

  I let out a chagrined sigh. She knew what it meant immediately.

  ‘I know, I know, it’s disconcerting to go back to that stage when you’re halfway through a full length novel. But I promise you, you’ll save yourself a lot of time down the line. The next redraft will be a lot simpler. Sometimes you have to go backwards to go forwards.’

  I nodded, taking comfort in that. I suddenly realised I felt hope, for the first time in a while. It seemed like maybe the book would be OK. And I knew that was down to Julia. I wanted her to know what she’d done. She deserved it.

  ‘I know you said not to thank you again but I think I have to.’

  ‘Don’t you dare!’

  I laughed.

  ‘No, I do. I’ve wanted to throw this whole project away for the last few months and right now it feels like its salvageable. That’s down to you. But then you always had a way of making it seem like my work had value. That’s why you were my best teacher.’

  She looked surprised.

  ‘I was?’

  Her surprise surprised me.

  ‘You must have known that!’

  ‘Considering that I slept with you midway through the first year, no, I didn’t. Not exactly teacher of the year behaviour.’

  It was the first glimmer of the complicated person underneath Julia’s poised exterior I’d caught today. And it made me stop putting on my own professional air and find a feeling below it. I was suddenly angry. Angry that she didn’t realise the impact her teaching had had on my life. I wasn’t angry with her, but with myself. I’d never really told her and that meant it was my fault.

  ‘It doesn’t take away from what you gave me. You got me excited about writing. You made me think I could really do it. I wouldn’t be where I am now without you. And maybe there’s some hard days with writing, but I truly love it and I don’t want to do anything else.’

  She looked briefly moved but she wouldn’t accept the compliment.

  ‘I can’t take the credit for that. You made your own decision to do this.’

  ‘That’s true. But I was standing on a cliff, wanting to jump. And I couldn’t do it. I might never have done it, I don’t know. But I do know that you came up behind me and gave me a gentle push. It made the difference.’

  That had been true for all sorts of things in m
y life, but for now, I was sticking to the relatively safe topic of writing. I hoped Julia took the accolade. She was staring down at her notebook and it seemed like maybe I’d embarrassed her. But then she looked up at me and there was a little sadness in her eyes.

  ‘I kind of thought maybe I’d ruined your life. With how things ended.’

  It was strange. She was talking about our relationship and I was talking about her teaching. It suddenly occurred to me that maybe we were talking about the same thing. I’d learned all kinds of lessons from her. But right now, I was focusing on the good ones and she was only seeing the bad ones. It reminded me of those bad ones too. Right now, we were in the midst of what was an essentially professional relationship, and so it was easy to see the best in her. Because that’s when she was at her very best, in the classroom.

  But when we’d moved things to the bedroom, I don’t know if I ever really got the best of her then. She’d shown me what she wanted me to see. And maybe it had been love. But I didn’t really know what that meant to Julia. If it had meant the same thing that it meant to me. Being reminded of these thoughts, although painful, was very helpful right then. Because I’d felt myself getting drawn in, in the old way, even though I’m sure that wasn’t what she intended. I’d done it to myself. And now I was able to remove myself. She was a great teacher. And that’s all she was to me now.

  ‘Well, you didn’t’ I said simply.

  That seemed to make her happy. She shook the moment off and looked back down at her notes.

  ‘I had some other thoughts, if you’ve got the time?’

  I nodded, feeling steadier.

  ‘I’d love to hear your notes.’

  Chapter Nine

  I blew into my hands and rubbed them together, trying to get a little warmer. Here I was again, sitting in my car, waiting for someone to come out of their home. But this time, I didn’t really know who. Alexandra Murphy, woman of mystery, ruiner of lives. My life, anyway.