Hawke's Game

by Natasha West

  Those feelings, the ones I’d told myself had, if not vanished, had shrunk to a manageable size, they were as strong as ever. And it wasn’t just physical, it was everything about her. It was, quite simply, Penny. As I stared in the mirror, I knew consciously what I’d been trying to bury all this time. I was still very much in love with her.

  But what was I going to do about it, if anything?

  Knowing the truth about how Penny made me feel, I didn’t know if I could go through with my plan after all. If she’d known what I was up to, how would she see it? Poorly, that was obvious. But I knew what I was doing wasn’t good, that wasn’t a shock to me. And then I thought, ‘What would Lauren think?’ and although that didn’t feel great either, it felt like a different concern.

  I could see that there were big similarities between Penny and Lauren, but if I examined it in the cold light of day, the difference became clear. Being with Lauren had made me want to try to behave like a good person, to make the kind of life with her that I was supposed to have at this point in my life. And Penny? Penny had made me want to actually be a better person. It was a subtle distinction, but a crucial one. But I’d fallen tragically short on both counts.

  And now here I was, at square one. It seemed that I only really had two choices. I could embrace this feeling, tell Penny I wanted more than friendship, ask her on a date and keep my fingers crossed that there might still be a part of her that wanted to say yes.

  Or I could say to hell with the whole thing. I could decide that being in love with someone didn’t give you a right to their heart and their life. I could just learn to live with these feelings and hope that one day they would die in me.

  As I reflected on my choices, the phone rang. It was Penny. It was a bad moment for her name to suddenly appear on my screen and I didn’t know if I could speak to her right now, mired as I was in my struggle. But I also couldn’t not speak to her.

  ‘Penny. Hi.’

  ‘Hi.’

  There was a pause and I had that feeling again, the same one I’d had before I’d been told my book deal was off. It was a foreboding and it came from the tone of that one word ‘Hi’.

  ‘Is everything…’

  She interrupted my question, and it seemed like she was trying to get something out before she could be stopped.

  ‘I just wanted to say that I had a good time last night…’

  There was more and I was scared to hear it, but it was coming whether I liked it or not.

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘But I should probably let you know that I’m going to be pretty busy from now on, so I don’t think I can really hang out any more. It’s a bad time for me, with the book and everything.’

  The phone slipped a little in my hand but I managed to hang on to it.

  ‘Yeah, sure. That makes sense.’

  ‘OK, well, thanks for dinner and all your help. I hope your book gets printed.’

  Even though it was a goodbye sort of statement, it raised a question I needed to ask her.

  ‘Thanks. Have you read it, by the way?’

  ‘No. Not yet.’

  Why not? Wasn’t she interested in it? Was she so distant from me that she didn’t care about a book that featured her as a central character? I began to feel my drawbridge raise. I wasn’t going to let her end this on a note of rejection with me scrabbling for her approval.

  ‘OK, well, I won’t keep you. I need to get going myself anyway, I’ve got a date.’

  She gave a surprised laugh.

  ‘Wow, you move fast.’

  ‘You know me.’

  ‘Yeah. Have fun.’

  ‘Thanks. Bye.’

  ‘Goodbye Julia.’

  We hung up. I dropped the phone onto my vanity table like it was an evil thing, a deliverer of misery.

  So, things were clearer now. The choice had been made for me. I wasn’t sure what had compelled her to cut things off like that. She’d tried to do it nicely, because she was Penny and she’d never hurt anyone on purpose, but it was obviously the intent of the call.

  Perhaps my face had betrayed me last night? I’d thought that I’d covered my moment of love sickness, but she must have seen it, known it’s meaning, and decided she didn’t want to see it again. She’d moved on, she had a life that had nothing to do with me now and that’s the way she wanted to keep it. And how could I blame her? She hadn’t really done anything wrong here. I had. I’d let myself fall back into the hole that she’d dragged herself out of.

  I’d ruined things between us once, and I suppose she wasn’t prepared to let me do it again. I couldn’t argue with that. She wanted a drama free life, and that didn’t include me. When I thought about how I’d behaved in the past, I could only conclude that it was fair. Heart-breaking, but fair.

  And so, I’d let her go, if that’s what she wanted. I’d made that promise to myself once before, eighteen months ago, and I suppose by trying to reconnect with her now, I’d failed. But I wouldn’t fail again. I’d let her be. However much it pained me.

  And that was that. The book was closed on Penny Stone.

  I didn’t want to think about how much pain the last few minutes had bought me, and I knew exactly how to get it behind me. Because ‘Beth’ could still do what she needed to do.

  I began to get dressed for my evening with Jessica, putting on an outfit that I’d bought specifically, a sheer red dress with a plunging neck line. The outfit was designed to make my intentions toward Jessica obvious, to leave her in no doubt about the direction I wanted the evening to go in. It was designed to be peeled from my body with ease, by a woman who needed passion in her life.

  Was it surprising how quickly I had been able to change gears? Maybe. Maybe some people might falter at the realisations I’d had today. That I was profoundly in love with a girl who didn’t want me back. Those people might wallow in the sadness such feelings would provoke. But if anything, it pushed me on. I was going forward with my scheme. I wanted to prove to myself that I was who I’d shown myself to be time after time. A selfish manipulator who put herself first, always. The person Penny knew I was.

  Chapter Fifteen

  I put the phone down, feeling a dreadful ache in the pit of my stomach. Julia hadn’t cared at all that I couldn’t see her anymore. Had I hoped to hear just a little disappointment from her end? I suppose I had. But she was already moving on from her ex to the next conquest, and my presence in her life hadn’t seemed necessary at all. It only confirmed what I’d thought. She didn’t need me, she’d never needed me. In any way at all. Whatever ache I was feeling for Julia, it was mine alone and always had been.

  I wanted to be angry with her. It would have been a lot simpler. But we’d said we were friends. I’d said it, time and again. It was the agreement we’d both made. And I’d been the idiot that couldn’t live up to it. That wasn’t her fault.

  But it still hurt me that she hadn’t cared about losing me. Then again, that that was Julia, she had a resilience. She didn’t need anyone. Why had I hoped I’d be the exception? Because, I thought again, I’m an idiot.

  But I wasn’t going to sit around thinking about that. I needed another focus. A thought occurred. If Julia had a date tonight, perhaps I could too. Wasn’t that what dating apps were for? Lucas had always been able to scrounge up some action at a moment’s notice.

  In fact, he was just the man to help with this.

  ‘Lucas!’

  I banged on his door with purpose. There wasn’t an immediate answer so I banged again.

  ‘Luc, you in?’

  ‘Hell’s teeth, woman’ I heard drift from behind his door. Thank god, I thought. If I’d ever needed Lucas, it was now.

  The door opened and Lucas looked me up and down.

  ‘Well, all your limbs are still attached so what the hell is the emergency?’

  I held up my smartphone.

  ‘I need your help. I need to put a dating profile together stat on whatever app is sleaziest and I need to get a date from it f
or tonight.’

  He looked at me cynically.

  ‘What’s going on?’

  ‘You know how you’re always saying the best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody? Well, that’s what I need to do. And I need to do it now.’

  ‘Is this about Julia?’

  ‘I don’t want to talk about it. I just need you to help me do what I’m asking.’

  He sighed deeply

  ‘If that’s what you need, I’ll help you. But you better get in here quick. We’re burning daylight and there’s not a moment to lose.’

  I walked in, hoping and praying this was going to work.

  Twenty minutes later, my profile was in place. We’d taken a snap of me looking, well, I wouldn’t use the word sexy, that wasn’t in my repertoire, but I looked presentable. That’s all I could really hope for.

  I’d chosen ‘casual’ from the list of options for relationship expectations. Lucas had assured me that selecting that option would open me up to the quickest prospects. But as words went, it wasn’t a word that matched up with how I felt. I felt like I was a woman drowning, reaching out for any passing lifeboat that would have me. But I’d committed to this now and I was determined to see it through. Worst came to worst, there’d be a story in it. Lucas wrote my description for me, including a few choice descriptive statements that made me sound ‘Easy yet classy’ and we were ready to go.

  ‘Now, we commence swiping’ Lucas said ominously.

  Two hours after that, Lucas and I were standing in the campus bar. I’d done a quick outfit change to something with a bit more cleavage than usual, amped up my makeup a little and added a few more waves to my hair, giving it more body, despite Lucas telling me that it was only going to get messed up later. ‘Sex hair’ he called it.

  ‘Well, I’ll never get to the sex part without a little quaffing.’

  ‘True’ he conceded.

  I was nervous. Lucas was all smiles, clearly enjoying giving me the benefit of his dating wisdom.

  ‘Remember, you give ‘em twenty minutes each, that’s all you should need to know if you’re into them. Twenty minutes and then you throw them to the wolves!’

  We’d spent half an hour in his room going through some geographically adjacent people of both genders. We’d looked at around fifty people, swiped right on about ten, and had matches on three of those people. Two boys, one girl. I’d arrange a quick drink with all three tonight, staggered at hourly intervals. That way, if I liked one of them, I had time to cancel the next. Three dates in an evening sounded like an enormous undertaking, not to mention a sitcom trope, but Lucas had assured me that internet dating was a numbers game and I would need options to ensure the best outcome.

  Lucas began to fiddle with my hair.

  ‘Luc, stop that. You don’t know anything about girl’s hair.’

  ‘I really don’t. There’s so much of it, it makes no sense to me. But I’ve got to make myself useful somehow. Isn’t this what gay men are supposed to do for their female friends?’

  ‘I don’t need any queer-eyeing, thank you. Just be on standby in case I get any crazies, that’s plenty.’

  ‘Aye aye, captain.’

  He tottered off to the other side of the bar and ordered a drink while I waited for my first date. I was a little anxious about the evening, but somehow it was still better than how I’d felt after speaking to Julia. That had felt like a punch to the gut, even though it had been my choice to end it. This feeling, waiting for my date to arrive, it was the kind of nerves that went with going forward, leaping into the unknown. It was a better feeling than feeling left behind, that was for sure.

  The first date came in. His name was Craig, he was a first year, and his profile listed him as being into rugby and drinking. It was all very macho, but I thought it was bravado. Because underneath his selection of virile pursuits, dungeons and dragons was listed, which endeared me to him immediately. He was trying to fit the mould of the masculine guy but there was a sensitive little nerd underneath it, I hoped. And physically, he was a good looking guy. Lucas had been a bit more enthusiastic about that part than I had.

  Craig spotted me and came over.

  ‘Penny, is it?’

  I nodded.

  ‘Craig?’

  ‘The man, the myth, the legend.’

  I cringed inside at the dickish intro but I tried to bear the D&D in mind. He was probably just nervous.

  ‘Can I get you a drink?’

  ‘Sure. I’ll have-‘

  He turned to the barman before I could finish.

  ‘Oy, barkeep. I’ll have a beer and my lady friend will have a white wine.’

  I couldn’t believe he’d ordered for me. Strike two.

  He handed me the wine and I took a sip, thinking about my next conversational gambit. I had to break this act up before he could settle into it.

  ‘So, you like dungeons and dragons? How long have you been playing?’

  He looked bewildered.

  ‘Dungeons and what?’

  ‘Dragons. Doesn’t it say that on your profile?’

  He pulled out his phone and looked at it for a moment. He slapped his thigh in sudden anger.

  ‘What the hell? My roommate must have cracked my passcode. He’s been messing about with my profile. That dickhead! I’m gonna kick his head in for this!’

  Oh god. I was really just on a date with a meat head rugby player. I didn’t need my remaining fifteen minutes. I drank my wine and made my excuses to his utter bafflement. He was obviously used to his ‘charm’ doing it’s magic.

  I left him and went over to Lucas to wait for date number two.

  Chapter Sixteen

  I was waiting at the door of Alex’s mansion, having been buzzed in at the front gate. I was holding a bottle of reasonably expensive red wine, along with popcorn.

  The door opened and Jessica stood there, resplendent in a dark blue satin slip dress. It was undoubtedly a date outfit. We seemed to be on the same page, sartorially speaking. But I wasn’t taking anything for granted. Jessica’s marriage wasn’t insignificant to her. It could still go either way at the crucial moment.

  ‘Hello’ I said quietly. ‘I brought some wine, I hope that’s OK.’

  ‘Of course. Thank you’ she said as she stepped back to allow me entry. I walked into a hall that took my breath away. You could have fit my living room into it twice over. The floors were expensive wooden panels and the walls were made of glass.

  ‘Wow’ I said. ‘This is a gorgeous house.’

  ‘Thank you’ she said shyly.

  I turned around to see it in full and I could see a manicured lawn on the other side of the house.

  ‘I love the glass walls. But doesn’t it worry you that people can see right in?’

  She shrugged.

  ‘Well, there’s plenty of privacy in other rooms.’

  ‘That’s good to know’ I said with only the merest hint of anything lascivious about the comment. But I watched Jessica’s reaction to it. She look a little pink.

  I handed her the wine, kissing her on the cheek. She leaned in for it, and this time, it wasn’t an air kiss. I felt her soft lips brush my face. Her perfume drifted up to greet me and it was sweet, something with delicate notes of citrus. She smelled absolutely edible.

  ‘It’s great to see you’ she said shyly as we stood back from the kiss. ‘Thanks for coming over.’

  ‘Thank you for having me.’

  I could have added a flirty air to ‘having me’ but I didn’t. I didn’t want to push her too far too soon. And Beth had started off shy with a dash of flirtation, which was the line I was walking. This was a delicate operation and she was a seemingly sensitive woman. It was important I take this slowly, give her time to come to her own decision about whether she was simply going to flirt with an attractive woman and feel good about that as an end in itself. Or whether she wouldn’t be able to stop herself from getting what she really needed from me. And what I was happy to provide, in e
xchange for what I really needed.

  We went through to the living room and she left me there for a moment while she fetched glasses for the wine and a bowl for the popcorn.

  I looked around the room. It was like the hall. Large, expensive, modern, stylish. There were bookshelves dotted here and there, although I guessed it wasn’t the main place books were kept. Knowing Alex, she had a library somewhere. There was a large portrait on one wall, a family scene. It had Alex, Jessica and Alex’s daughter, whose name I suddenly remembered was Georgia, posing. Everyone was smiling, but upon closer inspection, the smiles didn’t reach anyone’s eyes.

  Jessica came back in and began to pour two glasses of red. She handed me one.

  ‘Thank you. Is that your wife?’

  She was startled before she realised I was talking about the painting.

  ‘Oh. Yes.’

  ‘She’s very beautiful.’

  She looked at the painting wistfully.

  ‘I suppose so, yes.’

  ‘How long have you been together?’

  ‘Seven years. We got married three years ago.’

  She looked down at her drink then and I saw a glimpse of real sadness.

  ‘Are you OK?’

  ‘Yes, it’s just… Things aren’t great with her at the moment. We had a row before she left and we haven’t spoken since.’

  ‘I’m sorry’ I said gently. And I really was. I didn’t like to see Jessica sad.

  ‘It’s OK.’

  ‘Is it?’ I probed.

  She started to smile, as though to shake off the moment but she couldn’t quite do it.

  ‘How about we get the movie on?’

  She picked up a remote and hit a button. A large TV appeared out of the floor, rising up in front of the large couch. It provided another nugget about the relationship. Because the books, Alex’s passion, they were on display. But Jessica’s TV was hidden from view until it was in use. It gave me the distinct impression that this was Alex’s house, not Alex and Jessica’s house. Jessica was in hiding in this place.