Hawke's Game

by Natasha West

  ‘Luc, please don’t make me think about it.’

  ‘Think about what?’

  I covered my face with my hands, wanting to hide from him, from myself.

  ‘Think about what?’ he pressed.

  ‘Think about the fact that I love her!’ I almost shouted.

  He grabbed me again and this time I didn’t resist. I let him hold me. I let go, crying pitiful tears into his shoulder.

  ‘Why does she make me feel like this?’

  ‘Some people, they just, they get in. And there’s nothing you can do about it. But one day, there’ll be someone else, someone who makes you forget this feeling. Look at me. I had somebody like Julia, he pushed every single one of my buttons. And it turned out he didn’t give a shit about me. It really tore me up and I never wanted to feel that way again. Then, one day, there was Sam. He changed everything. I never thought I’d want to be with someone like that again. And now I’m completely, embarrassingly in love.’

  It was incredible to hear Lucas talk like this, admitting his true feelings for once. He’d never talked about the ex before in any real detail. I had no idea he’d had his heart stomped like that. I was happy that he’d turned the corner with Sam. And the whole story was very comforting. The idea that one day, I’d meet someone who felt the same for me as I did for them, it was a nice dream. But that day seemed very, very far away.

  The problem was, I didn’t know if anyone would ever quite live up to Julia. Because I’d done things the wrong way round. I’d started with the headliner and everybody else seemed like a support act.

  Last night, there had been moments where it seemed as though everything might be OK. That I might be able to move forward from this feeling. But once I’d gotten home and I was alone, my stomach began to ache, and a lump appeared in my throat. And I knew nothing was really different. I’d tried to use Sienna like medication, a tonic to cure myself of love. But now I knew something I hadn’t known yesterday. That the trouble with using people as medicine is that they only treat the symptoms, not the problem. She’d been a short term solution to a long term problem.

  Maybe what I should have done was to lean on my friend. To try to find pleasure in his happiness. It wouldn’t fix anything, I knew that. But it was a better use of myself. If I could only be broken right now, I could give him what little I had, rather than sink into my sadness. Or keep trying to distract myself from it.

  ‘Can you do me a favour, Luc?’

  ‘Anything, Stone.’

  ‘Can I meet Sam?’

  He laughed.

  ‘Well, I can’t really refuse that request any more, can I? Come on, he’ll be in the editing suites. I’m sure he won’t mind me dropping in to introduce my bestie.’

  It turned out Sam was a sweetie and he and Luc were a brilliant match. They bickered constantly, but in a way that looked very comfortable. I envied them.

  We went out to eat together, and I was concerned I might feel like a third wheel. But Sam didn’t let that happen, asking me question after question about myself. It comforted me no end that he was making a sincere effort to get to know me. Because I knew he was doing it because I was important to Lucas. And Lucas was important to him. That made me feel better than I had in days.

  That night, after I got home, and I was alone, the stomach ache was still there. The pain of losing Julia for a second time, even if it was just in my head, it was still strong. But I hoped that with time, and the help of a good friend, I could learn to live with it.

  Chapter Twenty One

  So, I had my dirt. And I’d written up the notes and research, ready for Jacob. I decided to call him, to run through the details.

  ‘Jacob, hey...’

  ‘I was just about to call you. This Stephen Griffin thing is really blowing up, I need more. I need a full interview. And I need it now.’

  I’d had a feeling he was going to say that. I’d been banging out stories on him here and there for the last few weeks, in amongst the usual pieces on reality star rehabs and footballer player affairs. But I knew Jacob. He wouldn’t be happy until he got the very core of this story, producing an angle on it that no one else had. It was what made him the perfect editor for The Informer. He never stopped till he’d squeezed the last of the juice out of something. Until he’d given the readers what they really wanted, the filthy human heart of the thing.

  ‘I told you, Jacob. There’s no way he’s going to talk to me.’

  ‘I don’t accept that. If anyone can get him talking, it’s you.’

  ‘I doubt it but I can tell you’re not taking no for an answer here. So I’ll try.’

  ‘I’m really not. I expect something in the next few days.’

  ‘Fine. Be in touch.’

  He was a pushy bastard, but I needed him to print the Alex story, so I had no choice. I’d have to get Griffin to open up.

  I knocked on the door of Stephen Griffin’s house, still trying to work out my angle on this. Would I flirt with him? Try to seduce the interview out of him? God knows, I’d proven I could do that with tougher targets. In this case, I’d be keeping my clothes on no matter what he told me, but he didn’t have to know that.

  The door opened and Stephen Griffin peaked out, looking like it had been a while since he’d seen sunlight. He was in his bathrobe, unshaven, a few pounds lighter since the last time I’d seen him. He took one look at me and went to shut the door. I put my foot in the way, creating enough of a gap to speak through.

  ‘Hold on, Stephen. Let me just…’

  ‘This is private property. Remove your foot, please.’

  ‘Only if you promise to let me speak to you for a minute. I won’t try to come in, I won’t record anything. I’ll talk and if you don’t like what you hear, I’ll go.’

  He didn’t say anything for a second. Then the door opened. I gave my best smile.

  ‘Stephen, I just-’

  ‘No!’ he erupted. ‘You want to talk? No chance. Not after last time. No, this time, you’re going to listen to me!’

  My mouth closed. I decided to let him rage at me. It was already in motion, anyway. I couldn’t have stopped him if I’d wanted to.

  ‘You’ve ruined my life! Do you care about that at all? Did you lose any sleep over it? I bet you didn’t, you heartless bitch.’

  I’d been prepared for abuse. It wasn’t the first time I’d been on the receiving end of an angry tirade. It came with the territory. But he was trying to pin the blame for all his problems on me. I wasn’t having it.

  ‘I ruined your life, Stephen? I stole money from the council and spent it on hookers? That was me, was it?’

  He looked as though he was gearing up for a second outburst but he suddenly broke, tears rolling down his bristly cheeks. I felt genuine pity for him.

  ‘Stephen, let me in.’

  He looked up from his tears.

  ‘What, so you can trick me into saying something stupid again?’

  ‘No, so I can make you a cup of tea.’

  He heaved a sigh and opened the door.

  We were sat in his living room. It was a nice house but the current state of it was somewhat dishevelled. There were empty beer cans all over the place.

  We’d sat down with our steaming mugs and there had been a moments silence while I let Stephen collect himself.

  ‘My wife left.’

  I nodded, unsurprised. Stephen’s wife, Sylvia, had been pretty stoic with the press, from what I’d gleaned. But this story was about as humiliating a thing as anyone could find out about their spouse. It would be hard for anyone to stay.

  ‘How long has she been gone?’

  ‘Just a few days. She tried to forgive me. She really did. But how on earth could she?’

  He sipped his tea, in his eyes a thousand yard stare.

  ‘I’ve wrecked everything I spent my life building. Respect, job, marriage’, he snapped his fingers, ‘Gone, just like that.’

  ‘It’s easier than people think to take a sledgehammer to
your life.’

  He looked up at me.

  ‘Yes, I checked up on you. You’re no stranger to this kind of thing, from what I gather.’

  I gave an ironic laugh.

  ‘No, I suppose not.’

  ‘What was it they called you? The sexy, no, the smutty…’

  I rolled my eyes. He was going to make me say it.

  ‘The Slutty Professor.’

  ‘That was it, yes.’

  That seemed to cheer him up a little.

  ‘So how can you do this for a living now? Make people’s life hell in the same way that yours was?’

  I shrugged.

  ‘Honestly, I didn’t have a lot to hang on to. I was like you, lost a relationship, lost a job, lost respect. So when this job came along, I jumped at it. It was a life raft. And I understood the people I was writing about. I’m one of them, one of you. I couldn’t keep it in my pants and I paid the price.’

  He looked at me, amazed.

  ‘You think that’s all this comes down to? Sex?’

  It was a good question. It was a question I’d asked myself. I’d never really known the answer to it though.

  ‘Those woman I went to see, they weren’t giving me sex. Not exclusively. I had this big job, there was all this pressure. And I didn’t know if I could do it. I was carrying this weight on my shoulders. And those ladies, they helped me put it down, just for a moment.’

  He put his tea down, wanting to make his point strongly.

  ‘Don’t get me wrong, I knew I was lucky. I’m not going to pretend I didn’t have a lot to be thankful for. But there was always a part of me that wanted to throw even the best things away. To be that other part of myself, the part that wants to be free of it all. My problem was that I tried to have both.’

  Stephen had obviously had a lot of time lately, and he’d used it trying to understand why he’d done what he’d done. I considered his words. I tried to find myself in them and I couldn’t. Even though our stories had similarities, they were only superficial. I wasn’t like him. Whatever explanations there might be to my sexual games, I wouldn’t find the answer here. I didn’t know if an answer mattered to me, at any rate. What point was there trying to find deeper reasoning behind my tendencies. They were what they were and I’d made peace with them.

  ‘I’m sorry I tried to blame this on you. I think I just needed to vent a bit. Thanks for letting me. I’m ready for my interview now.’

  I was amazed. I’d completely given up on getting the interview.

  ‘What? Why?’

  ‘The worst has happened, no point trying to back pedal. I’ve messed up and I think I need to just accept that now. Take my lumps.’

  ‘If you’re sure.’

  ‘Yes. One thing though, can you promise you won’t try to spin this badly? Just print the truth, as I tell it to you. No better, no worse.’

  I nodded.

  ‘I promise, Stephen’ I said truthfully.

  Chapter Twenty Two

  I was ready to work again, thank god. I hadn’t been able to look at the book the last few days. It felt too linked with Julia. I think I was frightened that she might begin to infect the story. And that wasn’t what I wanted to write about. Although I knew that eventually, it had to happen. After I’d processed it all, I would write something about her. I’d let it all out. But right now, I needed to work on this novel. And who knows, maybe there could be some salvation in it, a mental holiday from the pain of the last few days.

  I was sitting in an off campus place, a cafe nearby. I wasn’t sure why I’d chosen to come here rather than work in my room like I normally would have. It wasn’t until I’d sat down, unpacked my things and opened my laptop that I knew why I’d picked it. It was somewhere I’d come with Julia once, after the first whole night we’d spent together, as a matter of fact. She’d eaten an omelette, I’d had a huge stack of pancakes. I’d been worried that we weren’t on the same page, but I’d hoped she might feel a little of what I was. But we hadn’t talked about anything that day. I hadn’t wanted to ruin the moment.

  Come to think, we’d always avoided talking about what was between us. Not until the end, when it was too late. I suppose I’d been scared to know exactly what we were. And I’d been right to be scared. When I’d found out that I was only the latest in a series of affairs with students, it had killed me. She told me she loved me that day too. And I thought maybe she really had. But not enough to stop her from sleeping with someone else not long after.

  Thinking about that time now, it felt refreshed in me. I’d spent a long time trying to put that ache to sleep and now I’d gone and woken it up again. It all felt raw again, as though I was reliving it. But I was beginning to accept that I couldn’t do anything about that. I just had to be patient.

  I opened the book and threw my mind into the story. I reread some of what I’d last written, making a few edits. Then I began to write a new chapter.

  A few hours later, I sat back and stretched my body out, yawning. I’d written a complete chapter and I had a good idea of what came in the next one. Now I needed something to eat. And after such a writing burst, I deserved a sugar rush. A chocolate muffin was in order.

  I stood in line, in a slight daze. I didn’t notice the jingle of the bell as someone came in. I didn’t hear her footsteps as she walked through the cafe. But suddenly, I felt something familiar drift into my senses. It was the scent of vanilla, mixed with something I’d never been able to identify. I knew she was there before I turned around.

  I spun round. Julia was standing at the end of the counter, looking at her phone, in her own world. I couldn’t believe it, it had happened again.

  ‘Julia.’

  She looked up and I thought I saw a brief smile on her face, happiness to see me. But then her expression seemed to lock down and she was a mystery to me, as ever.

  ‘Penny. We have to stop meeting like this.’

  I pushed myself to smile nonchalantly, my teeth feeling like little soldiers, ready to defend me with their very lives.

  ‘Yeah, what are the odds?’

  Julia looked around the place.

  ‘Actually, maybe not that high. This place is near the campus, isn’t it?’

  I nodded.

  ‘I suppose so.’

  ‘In fact, we came together one time, didn’t we?’

  ‘Yeah, I think we did’ I said, as though I didn’t know exactly when that had happened, down to our menu choices.

  ‘What can I get you?’

  I jumped slightly at the order request from the woman behind the counter. My mind was blank. What had I wanted? I pointed at the first thing I saw the glass case. It was ginger cake. I hate ginger cake.

  ‘I’ll have one of those and a latte. Two lattes’ I added, remembering that it was also Julia’s favourite.

  ‘Oh, thank you’ Julia said and we stood there for an awkward moment, waiting for the coffee. It was frustrating when I thought about how hard we’d both worked not to be like this with each other. But that’s unrequited love. It makes you a mute buffoon.

  Finally, the drinks and my terrible cake came. Julia took her to go cup and began to turn. I should have just let her go with an awkward goodbye. I’m not sure what compelled me but it just came out of my mouth.

  ‘The book’s going well!’

  She smiled.

  ‘Must be all that time you’re putting into it.’

  Was that a dig? Had she known I was lying about the reason for not wanting to maintain contact? Of course she had. Because she wasn’t stupid and I was a terrible liar. She had probably taken it as a sign that I was as immature as my age might dictate. I’d gotten her help and then blown her off. It was a terrible thought, that Julia might think badly of me. But maybe she had a right to. I had been a fool with all of this. What kind of fool, hopefully she didn’t know, but a fool all the same.

  But I couldn’t let her think that I’d just gotten what I’d wanted out of her and then thrown her aside. I don’t
know why. I just couldn’t.

  ‘Do you have a minute to sit with me?’

  She seemed unsure but then she shrugged, indifferently.

  ‘Sure. If you’re certain you can spare a minute. Don’t want to interrupt your flow.’

  Was that sarcasm? I couldn’t tell.

  We sat down. She nodded at the laptop.

  ‘What’s your daily word count now?’

  I was glad to be on safe territory.

  ‘Errm, usually about fifteen hundred.’

  ‘That’s pretty good, but I’ve got a feeling it’s going to rise. It’s like a muscle, you build the strength to do more each time.’

  ‘Well, I’m having to work around classes too, so I hope I’ll beat that when I’ve got more time in a couple of months. The course clears out some real free time then.’

  I suddenly realised who I was talking to.

  ‘But of course, you must remember that’ I said, embarrassed.

  She nodded.

  ‘Yeah. Sometimes I miss it.’

  ‘I bet you do. I know the students miss you.’

  ‘Do they?’

  ‘Yeah, there’s a girl called Chloe who always mentions you, says she wishes you’d stuck around to learn from.’

  I thought I saw something flicker in Julia’s eye and I suddenly realised something.

  ‘Chloe… You didn’t…’

  ‘No! No. No, I didn’t.’

  I was thankful. I shouldn’t have been, what difference did it make now if she’d had sex with Chloe a few years ago? But still, I felt relief.

  ‘So she’s not a chapter of your book?’ I said, trying for a little joke to cover my awkwardness. She shook her head, amused.

  ‘No.’

  And then I asked something that I was actually terrified to know. But out it popped, from my disobedient mouth.

  ‘By the way, did I get a chapter to myself? Or was I more background?’

  She looked up.

  ‘You really haven’t read it, have you?’

  She looked around, and I could see she was making ready to flee.