by K. A. Hobbs
“Thank you.” he whispers, his voice broken.
I end the call and place my phone into my bag, looking at Ginny I go to apologise but she stops me.
“Don’t. You really don’t need to. He has been there for you, on many occasions, right?”
“Yes.”
“Then go to him. Comfort your friend when he is hurting, Katie.”
“I love you, you know that?”
“I do, and I love you. Send him my love and if I can do anything or if Ryan can, let us know.”
I stand and kiss her cheek, putting my half of the meal on the table, she takes it and puts it in my jacket pocket again before waving me off. Ginny really is the best. I hail a taxi outside the restaurant and give them Daniel’s address. Fifteen minutes later, I’m knocking on his door and waiting for him to open it. When he does, he looks awful.
“Come here.” I tell him, holding out my arms.
He pulls me in to the house and wraps his arms around me, holding me so tight I can’t breathe. He walks us both into the lounge and sits us down on his sofa. He cries in my arms, like I’ve cried in his. It breaks my heart to see him like this. We don’t talk, I run my hands up and down his back, trying to ease some of the unbelievable pain he is feeling. I don’t know what else to do. I’m about to ask when he speaks.
“She died, Katie.”
“I know she did, sweetheart, I know.”
“No…. Not Poppy. Amber. She died this evening.”
“Oh my God,” I hold him to me as the tears begin to fall.
Life is cruel and life is unfair and there are no answers for why some things happen. Why do the most awful people in the world get to live when the best are taken from us? Where is the justice in that? I failed to see it, I don’t understand it and I don’t think I ever will.
* * *
When I wake up in the middle of the night to go to the loo, I see lights coming from downstairs and I hear soft music. Daniel’s bedroom door is open and when I peek inside his bed is empty. I go to the loo and then quietly pad downstairs to make sure he’s okay. I know where I’ll find him. I walk straight into his reading room and find him bathed in moonlight, sitting on the padded seat. He has on pyjamas, his bare feet are stretched out in front of him and sitting on his chest is Poppy’s brown bear. I don’t want to interrupt him so I turn to leave. It’s then I hear a sob break free from his chest and my feet carry me over to him without me even thinking about it. I drop to my knees in front of him and rest my head on his stomach, wrapping my arms around him. He sits up and pulls me to him, sitting me in his lap, burying his head in my chest and sobbing. I don’t talk, I just hold him, hoping being close is bringing him some kind of comfort like it seemed to last night.
The song must be on repeat because it ends and begins to play again. Daniel’s breathing slowly settles and his body stills. He reaches for my face and pulls my chin up so I’m looking into his eyes. I see something there, I’m not sure what it is. I don’t have time to decide what it is either because he dips his head and presses his lips to mine. I’m shocked and taken by surprise but I don’t pull away. His lips on mine feel different, they feel strange, but something deep inside me tells me they feel right too. He doesn’t move, he just rests against me, his hand snakes around my waist and comes to rest on the small of my back. Warm and shaking. He pulls away then and rests his forehead to mine, breathing deeply, trying to calm down.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have.”
“Are you okay?” I whisper, closing my eyes.
“I don’t know,” he whispers back, “I had dreams, awful dreams.”
“You should have come and woke me, I would have—”
“I don’t want to dream any more, Katie.”
“What can I do? What will help?”
I know how he feels. I have dreams too, although not as often since Daniel came into my life. But I know what they are like. I know that they seem so real, so real I sometimes wake up and feel the pain I remember feeling that awful day.
“Stay with me.”
“I’m here.”
“In my bed.”
“Daniel—”
“I can’t be alone right now, please? Just… Just so I know I’m not alone.”
“Not in your bed, in the guest room, I just can’t… It’s not…”
He nods and stands, taking me with him and carrying me to the guest room along with the blanket. He sits on the bed and puts me down next to him. I slip under the covers and hold out my arms for him. He puts the duvet down and lays on top of the covers. He drapes the blanket over himself and rests his head on my chest, throwing one arm over my stomach. I wrap my arms around him and cradle his head to me.
“Thank you, Katie.” he whispers.
“You don’t need to thank me, Daniel.”
“You’re the one thing keeping me going. You’re the reason I get out of bed most days. Knowing I’ll get to speak to you on the phone or see you at the hospital,” he takes a shuddery breath and keeps talking, “Every day takes immense courage to keep going, I know you understand this.”
“I do. And you’re the person who keeps me going too, Daniel.”
“There isn’t anything I want more than my Poppy back. To know Amber’s parents are going through this very same thing, it’s awful Katie, it’s just awful.”
“I know, I know.” I soothe him, just listening.
After a while, I feel him go very still in my arms, I feel his breathing get deeper and I know he has fallen asleep. We are both so broken, I’m not sure how I am supposed to heal him, or him me. How are two broken souls supposed to heal each other when they hardly have enough pieces left to make a whole? I lay there with him, asleep in my arms until the sun begins to come up. Until the birds begin to sing in the trees and slowly I hear cars on the road and people beginning their day. I don’t wake him, I don’t move. He is clinging to me like his very existence depends on it.
I must fall asleep, because I wake sometime later and Daniel is gone. I hear the shower and realise he’s awake and starting his day. I swing my legs out of bed and head downstairs. I need a coffee and something to eat and I need a headache pill. I rummage through my bag and find some painkillers, going over to the sink, I fill a glass with water and swallow two. I sit down on the stool and check my phone.
“You’re awake.”
I look up and Daniel is walking into the kitchen. He hasn’t finished getting dressed yet, he is wearing blue jeans and is in the middle of buttoning up a navy blue shirt. He smiles sadly at me and comes to stand on the opposite side of the counter from me. He reaches out and takes my hand and squeezes it.
“Thank you for last night, Katie.”
“You’d do the same for me.” I smile back.
“I would. I really would,” he gives my hand one last squeeze then lets it go, “Would you like a coffee?”
“Please, I have the headache from hell.” I bring my hands up to my temples and rub small circles.
“You do?” he frowns, “Was it the interrupted sleep?”
“I don’t know. Do you mind if I grab a shower? The steam might help?”
“You don’t have to ask, Katie. You know where everything is. Shampoo, conditioner, towels..”
“Yes I do. I’ll be back in a bit.”
I climb the stairs and go straight into the bathroom. I strip out of my clothes and into the shower, I stand at one end until the water runs hot. When I step under the giant shower head and let the water cascade over my naked skin. I feel some of the tension leave my body and groan. Reaching for the shampoo, I lather up my hair, massaging my sore head for a few minutes until I feel the pain ease.
As I wash myself, I can’t help but imagine Daniel in here a few minutes ago. His tall, lean body covered in the very same soap suds that now cover my body. What is happening to me? What is going on between Daniel and I? How can I feel this, so soon after losing Richard? I am so confused, so torn and I am so turned on picturing Daniel in this very shower
, I don't know what to do with myself. I let my hands linger on my breasts as I wash my body, the water hot and the soap feeling silky under my fingertips. I am more awake than I have been in a long time in more than one way. I feel aroused and I crave a man’s touch. It surprises me that the male’s touch I want flitted between Richard's and Daniel's. It shocks me even more to realise what has bought me to this state of desire has been Daniel. The very real, very alive man that stands downstairs in the kitchen.
I rinse myself off and step out of the shower, wrapping a towel around my heated body and another around my hair, I slip out of the bathroom and into the guest room. I dress quickly in last nights clothes and towel dry my hair. I need a coffee and I need to go home. My headache is easing but the confusion that my feelings have left in their wake are enough to make my head want to explode. I make my way downstairs and into the kitchen, Daniel has a coffee for me ready and a couple of those delicious pastries he makes.
“Better?” He asks as he hears my feet approach.
If better means that, yes, my headache is easing but I am contemplating asking you to throw me onto the counter and make love to me, I think, then mentally slap myself, get a grip Katie.
“Better.” I smile sitting down at the counter.
“I can take you home when you’ve had breakfast if you like, I know we’re due in at the hospital today.”
“That would be good, thank you,” I take a deep breath, “Daniel do you think you should be going in today? Why don’t you take a break?”
“Because it isn’t about me, Katie. It’s about them and right now it’s about Amber’s parents,” he looks at me sadly, “I was that parent once. I was the one people looked at sadly. Do you think I don’t see that look people still have when I’m around? I see it, I pretend I don’t but it’s still there.”
“People care about you, Daniel.”
“I know that, it doesn’t mean I don’t hate that look.”
“Do I… give you that look?”
“Katie, you’re the only person in my life who doesn’t give me that look.”
“Will you promise me something, Daniel?”
“Anything.” he looks serious.
“Promise me, you’ll talk to me when you’re ready and you won’t push yourself.”
“I promise.” he smiles at me.
It doesn’t go unnoticed that the smile doesn’t reach his eyes again, not by a long shot.
* * *
The whole ward is subdued our entire shift. Everyone talks a little quieter, everyone gives each other hugs and no ones eyes are dry all day. The children are all sad, they have all spent time with Amber and the loss is felt in every corner of the ward. When it comes to going home, neither Daniel or I want to be alone, so we opt for takeaway and a couple of bottles of wine. I delicately persuade him not to bring over the whisky tonight, not sure it’s going to help either of us. We’re sitting in my lounge with the TV on and I’m not sure either of us are watching it. I look over at Daniel who is nursing his third glass of wine and looking as miserable as I feel when there is a knock on the door. Our pizza has arrived. I stand up and head to the front door and find Ginny standing there.
“Hey, what are you doing here?”
“I came to check on you, after you had to leave last night I wanted to make sure everything was okay with Daniel.”
“He’s right in the lounge, I thought you were the pizza man actually.” I smile, holding the door open.
“No, I won’t interrupt.”
“Ginny, come in.” We both walk into the lounge and Daniel looks over at us, a look of surprise on his face, he makes to get up but Ginny holds up her hand and shoos him back down.
“I’m not staying, I just wanted to see how you both were?”
“I’m okay,” Daniel nods, holding his glass of wine up, “Third glass seems to be doing the trick.”
“Red wine helps everything,” she smiles warmly, “As does this one.” she bumps her shoulder with mine.
“That she does.” he smiles.
“I’m going to leave you to it. You know where I am if you need me. Either of you.” she looks at Daniel.
“Thank you, Ginny. That means a lot.” he tells her with such sincerity it makes my heart clench.
I walk with Ginny to the front door just as the pizza guy knocks. I take the boxes and pay him before saying goodbye to Ginny.
“Don’t drink too much, it won’t help the pain either of you are feeling.” she rubs my arm.
“I know. We’ll be okay.”
“Make sure you call me if you need anything. Anything at all okay?”
“I will.” I nod.
“Okay, go stuff your face with pizza and try and make him smile again.”
“I’ll do my best.”
After pizza, I flick through the channels and settle on Ghost. I look over at Daniel who has a smile on his lips, he meets my eyes and raises his eyebrow at me.
“What is with your eyebrow, Mr Lambert?” I ask teasingly, leaning over him to switch off the light.
“Absolutely nothing.”
“Ummmmm.”
“Settle in and watch your sexy film, Katie.” he grins at me.
“Yes, sir.” I laugh, sitting back.
We’re at the scene and all of a sudden the air between us is electric. I can’t look at Daniel. I can feel the heat from him radiating towards me, I can feel his fingers gripping mine a little tighter and I can see his chest rising and falling a little faster than it was five minutes ago. Why did I think this was a good idea? Tonight? Right when Patrick Swayze has his hands under Demi Moore’s white shirt and I think I can’t possibly sit there and watch anymore, my phone buzzes on the dining room table. I leap up, glad for the excuse to leave the room for a few seconds. My cheeks are heated and I am feeling more than a little turned on. I look down at my screen and see Sally’s name on the screen. Swiping along the bottom, the message comes up.
Sally: I hope you’re okay. I just wanted to let you know Amber’s funeral is Thursday at 10am at All Saints Church. I hope you can make it, I know it would mean a lot to her parents. x
Just like that, I don’t need cooling down, I need a hug.
Chapter Ten
Thursday arrives and I wake up in Daniel’s spare room in almost complete darkness. Looking over the pillows I can just about make out Daniel laying next to me, the slither of moonlight sneaking through the curtains illuminating his face. I am dreading today. Not for myself, but for Daniel. I know him well enough to know he is going to put on a brave face and be strong for everyone else, that he is going to be the Daniel I see at the hospital and not the real Daniel I see when we are alone, the Daniel who wakes me when he has nightmares, the Daniel that asked me to stay with him last night before the funeral today.
I just watch him sleep, not wanting to wake him and make today a reality for the both of us.
When it starts to get light outside, I know we have to get up and start getting ready. It isn’t going to be easy and I have to be strong for my friend. I can do this. I can do this. Almost as if he can hear my inner chant, his eyes flutter open and lock on mine. His eyes look so incredibly sad and I feel tears prick in my eyes before I can stop them.
“Katie..” Daniel moves closer, pulling me to him, “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”
“I’m just…” I choke on the words, unable to tell him just what I was.
“You don’t have to explain it. Today is going to be awful, there is no point pretending anything else,” he soothes me, his hand rubbing up and down my back, “But we’ll be here for each other okay?”
“Okay.”
* * *
Everyone’s head is bowed right up until the moment they walk down the narrow aisle with the small coffin. Tears fall freely down my face and I don’t wipe them away. I’m so wrapped up in what I’m feeling, I fail to notice Daniel going to pieces next to me. It’s only when I catch movement out of the corner of my eye that I realise. When I turn to see
what’s happening, he has his hands over his face and is shuddering and shaking. I sit down next to him, wrapping my arms around his broad shoulders and pull him into me. I’ve never seen grief likes this, grief comes in many different forms, but I think this must be the worst one. The grief of a parent.
“Come on, let’s go outside.” I whisper to him as the vicar starts the service.
“No…I need…I have to…” his voice is barely a whisper.
“Daniel, you need to come with me.” I tell him, making him look me in the eyes.
He takes my hand and follows me as we walk down the aisle and slip out of the church doors, leaving Amber’s family and friends to say goodbye. When the cooler air hits my wet face I wipe away the tears that are staining my cheeks and look at Daniel, what I see has my feet stopping and my knees almost buckling from underneath me.