by K. A. Hobbs
“Daniel.” I step into his embrace and hold him.
I hold him so tightly, like I’m trying to hold him together. I have to, because right now, he is breaking right in front of me. The strongest man in the world is breaking, more than he already is and my heart hurts looking at him. I walk us slowly to my car and unlock it, right before the heavens open and rain unlike any rain I’ve ever felt before begins to fall. Daniel leans forward, resting his face in his hands while gut wrenching sobs wrack his body, I feel helpless, unable to make any of this easier for him. I pick my phone out of my bag and text Sally, letting her know what has happened.
“Where do you want to go, Daniel?” I whisper, placing a hand on his shaking shoulders.
“Poppy, I want to see Poppy.” he sobs.
“Daniel…I can’—“
“She’s buried at the cemetery near my house, please, Katie.” He lifts his face and I let the tears I’ve been holding back since we got into the car fall. When Daniel is sad, he is really sad. He has one of the most beautiful faces I’ve ever seen and when his face is sad, it is the most heartbreaking thing in the world.
“I’ll take us.”
“Thank you.” I barely hear his whisper above the sound of the rain hitting the car.
I start the engine and drive us closer to Daniel’s house. On the way I realise, we can’t turn up empty handed and I don’t want to. I pull over at the first florist I see and turn to Daniel. He is resting his head back and opens his eyes when the car stops.
“What flowers?” I ask him.
“What?” his confused eyes meet mine.
“What flowers does Poppy like? Or what flowers do you like?”
“She loves poppies,” he smiles, “But you won’t get those in there. White roses,” he whispers, “I always take white roses.”
I lean over and kiss his cheek, he inhales deeply before I pull back and step out into the rain and into the florists. I explain what I need the flowers for and they rush the order through. Half an hour later, I walk out and back into the car, placing the beautiful arrangement on the backseat. I drive silently over to the where Daniel tells me I’ll find the cemetery and park. I turn, unsure what to do next, to look at Daniel.
“Please come with me.” he whispers.
I just nod and get out of the car, fetching the flowers and carrying them to where Daniel stands. He reaches down and takes my hand, leaving me to carry the flowers for him to Poppy’s grave. We walk along the path, our heads bowed until Daniel stops. He drops to his knees on the wet grass and sweeps his hand across the immaculate wording on the white headstone, wiping away the rain drops that have landed there. They are quickly replaced with more. I look up and study the wording;
Poppy Ada Lambert 08-09-2007 - 25-12-2014
“Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo”
A tiny flower lent, not given
To bud on earth and
bloom in Heaven.
I’m snapped out of my daze when I hear Daniel begin to speak.
“Hello, Pops,” he draws in a shuddery breath, “I needed to come see you today, I know I was only here on Monday, but I needed to come back.”
I reach out my hand, which I notice is shaking, and rest it on Daniel’s shoulder. His hand comes up and rests over mine, squeezing it gently. Even though it’s raining and I’m wearing a skirt, I kneel down on the soaked grass right beside him, bringing the flowers up and in front of him. He takes them from me and whispers thank you.
“Poppy, this is Katie,” he turns his face slightly in my direction, “She is very special to me, Pops. I wish you could have met her.”
“I wish I could have met you too, Poppy.” I whisper, squeezing Daniel’s hand in mine.
“Poppy, I need you to do something for me. Today, another little angel is going to join you. Her name is Amber and she is a very special little girl,” he wipes his eyes and raises his face to the sky, “Look after her, make sure she isn’t scared. Show her… show her the way up there, you’ll know what to do by now. Her Mummy and Daddy miss her terribly, like I miss you, it will help them to know you’re together, that you’re both safe.” his voice breaks at the end.
I don’t say anything, I wouldn’t even if I had the words. I already feel like I’m encroaching on something so very private, something no one should be witnessing. Daniel may have learned to live with his grief a little in the time since he lost Poppy, but it is still very, very real. It still plagues him every single day whether he is awake or asleep. Poppy consumes his thoughts and is in every corner of his life. How he manages to get up and live each day is beyond me.
I kneel on the ground for as long as he needs me, my knees sinking into the wet grass, my shins cold and achy. After half an hour, the rain gets heavier, but Daniel shows no sign of being ready to leave. Seeking a little relief, I sit back fully on the wet grass. It takes no time at all for the cold and wet to seep into my clothes and chill my whole body. Daniel seems oblivious to the rain continuing to pour down over us, his eyes staring forward, his lips moving as the words he desperately needs to speak to his daughter pour out.
“Katie?”
“Yes?”
“You must be frozen,” he looks like he has only now realised it’s still raining, and a lot heavier than it was when we arrived, “We’ll go. Thank you for bringing me, for waiting, for being here.”
“You don’t need to thank me.” I tell him, squeezing his hand tight.
“What do you want to do? Well, after we’ve got dry.” a small smile tugs at the corners of his mouth.
“It’s not about what I want today, Daniel. It’s about what you want. What you need, so tell me.”
“I need to get dry… and after that, I need a drink, a big drink, a strong drink and some chocolate.”
“I can do that.”
Before we get to our feet, Daniel leans forward, resting his wet cheek at the place where Poppy’s name is.
“I have to go, Pops. I hate leaving, you know that. But I’ll be back. I promise,” he whispers, “I love you, you will always be my little girl.”
When he gets to his feet and looks at me, I’m not sure what is rain and what are tears on his face. He reaches for my hand and I give it to him gladly. We walk in silence to my car and slip inside and out of the rain. As soon as I put my key into the ignition, I blast the heat to warm our wet bodies and clear the steam our damp clothes have produced. When the windows are clear enough I can see, I drive us over to mine so I can get a change of clothes before we head to the supermarket for supplies for what was sure to be a difficult evening. By the time we reach Daniel’s house, the sun has come out and our clothes are basically dry. He opens the front door and takes my jacket, hanging it in the downstairs cupboard. I slip off my shoes, placing them neatly by the door and turn to see Daniel watching me.
“Shall we go get changed?” he asks, a small smile on his lips.
“Do you mind if I have a shower? I feel like the cold has go—”
“Has got inside your bones,” he frowns, “I know.”
“It’s your house, you go first.” I hold my hand out.
“You’re the guest, ladies first.” he smiles carrying my bag upstairs and placing it in the guest room.
I slip into the shower and groan as the hot water washes over my cold skin slowly heating me from the outside in. I take a deep breath and suddenly, something snaps inside me and I fall to my knees, sobbing so hard my whole body shakes. Today, a little girl was buried, today a mother and father lost their daughter, their little girl. I don’t know what that feels like, but Daniel does. I need to go to him, I need to hold him and tell him how incredible he is, how I am in awe of his bravery and kindness. I switch off the shower and quickly dry myself, leaving my hair wet and down. I change into the jeans and t-shirt I brought with me and head downstairs. I find Daniel in the kitchen making us both a coffee. I waste no time, I go to him, wrapping my arms around his back. While I hold him, I murmur the words I feel. I say them over and over again u
ntil they become just a whisper. Only when my lips are still does Daniel turn in my arms and look down at me, tears shining in his eyes.
“Why?” he asks.
“You needed to know. I needed to tell you.” I tell him simply, pressing a kiss to where I know his tattoo is.
He doesn’t say anything. He nods his head and heads upstairs, I assume to shower. I’m not sure whether I just crossed the line, I’m not sure if I’ve made things worse. I can’t imagine I have, but then, with everything how it is right now, after the day we’ve had, I might have.
* * *
“Are we ordering Chinese?” Daniel asks, sitting back on the sofa and crossing one ankle over the other.
“Well, my stomach says yes, but my butt says no after the chocolates you force fed me!” I laugh as I sit down next to him, curling my feet to the side of me.
“Force fed you?” Daniel smiles, “I didn’t force feed you anything, Katie. Your hand kept disappearing into the packet.”
“I know!” I groan and cover my eyes, “I have zero willpower when it comes to chocolate after a bad day.”
“Only after a bad day? You’re lucky then, I have zero willpower any time.”
“I think we both know, I have zero willpower all the time, Daniel. You’ve seen my butt.”
“Is there a right answer to that question?”
“No. So, Chinese?”
An hour later, we’re sitting on the sofa eating takeout and watching Cinderella. Daniel asked if I mind, of course I don’t, it is my favourite and I sense he really needs to watch it and feel close to Poppy. When it gets to the part where Cinderella’s fairy godmother appears, he pauses the TV and looks at me.
“Poppy’s headstone…”
“Yes, I did read it.”
“She was obsessed with having a fairy godmother. She would make me be her fairy godmother and I’d have to have a wand and a crown and everything,” he smiles at the memory, “Sometimes I would wake up to her leaning over me with her wand and the first thing she would say to me was Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo!”
“She sounds as amazing as her Daddy.” I tell him.
“Oh no, she was so much more than I am or will ever be.” he smiles, pressing play on the DVD again.
“I find that very hard to believe, Mr Lambert. Very hard to believe.”
Chapter Eleven
“I'm here to do my manly duties and mow your grass.” Ryan puffs his chest out and steps forward.
“Oh.”
“Oh? I offer to get manly and sweaty and probably topless for you and the prospect of that makes you say, oh?” he frowns at me.
“Hey, you know the thought of you topless has me practically quivering,” I clap my hand over my mouth to stop the laugh that wants to escape, “But well, Daniel was here yesterday and he kind of cut it for me.”
Ryan's eyebrows shoot up and he stares at me. For thirty seconds neither of us talk. Then he lets out a heavy sigh and smiles.
“Kind of? How do you kind of cut the grass? He did or he didn’t?"
“He did.” I nod my head.
“Well... Ginny thinks I'm here cutting your grass, she will expect me gone for at least an hour. Fancy coffee in the garden?”
“I think I can fit it into my busy schedule.” I stand aside and let Ryan in. We walk into the kitchen and I put the kettle on. Ryan walks right over to the new black coffee machine and points at it.
“That is new?”
“It is. A gift from Daniel,” I smile, “He is the biggest coffee snob!”
“So why are you boiling your kettle when you have that?” He points to the coffee machine again.
“I don't know how to work it,” I admit, “It comes with pods and stuff. I have no idea what I do with it.”
“It's not difficult to work, Munchkin, we have one at work. Want me to teach you?”
“Daniel already tried. It just scares me.”
“Does it really? Or is it because you can't actually reach it to use it?” he teases me.
“For that I should make myself a caramel macchiato and leave you to have the instant crap that Daniel won't touch!”
“You don't even know how to use it!” he sniggers at me.
“I'd work it out just to annoy you!” I punch him on the arm.
“Did you see that? I think a mosquito just bit me?”
“You're so funny! Fine, make the coffee. I'll get the biscuits.”
“Okay, but none of those horrible dead fly biscuits you love!” he calls over to me as I head over to the pantry.
“The sultana cookies?” I call back.
“Yes! Something with chocolate!”
What is it with men and chocolate lately? I fetch a packet of my favourite cookies and a packet of plain chocolate digestives while the sound of the coffee machine and the mouthwatering smell of coffee fills the kitchen. I head out into the garden and put the umbrella up while Ryan finishes making the coffee. When he appears two minutes later, sunglasses on and two cups in his hands I smile.
“So, seriously, how are things?” he asks as he sits down and helps himself to a biscuit.
“Things are good.” I answer honestly.
Things are good. It’s fast coming up to six months since I lost Richard and life is starting to get easier. Having Daniel in my life is one of the best things right now. The dreams are getting less regular and I’m finding each day easier to deal with, I’m even thinking about going back to work.
“I'm glad to hear it. Gigi and I, we don't want to keep asking and especially when it's obvious you're okay. But at the same time, we don't want you to feel like we've left you in Daniel's hands.”
“I don't feel like I've been left in anyone's hands, Ryan. I don't need looking after any more. I can finally breathe without it hurting.” I smile sadly at him.
“I'm so glad about that, Katie. Really I am.”
We sit in silence for a little while, I turn my face up to the sky and smile. Life is better and it gets a little easier every day. I don't think I'll ever get over losing Richard, but I am learning to live with it and I do pretty well most days. Ryan's voice snaps me out of my thoughts.
“I don't meant to put a dampener on things Munchkin, but... Have you been to his grave to see him?”
Just like that, the ache that has almost completely eased is back. I know Ryan doesn’t mean to upset me, he has to ask, for his sake as much as mine, but it doesn't make it any easier.
“No,” I whisper, “I can’t, Ryan.”
“I've been once. It's the most difficult thing. You sit there and you talk to his plaque and you try to tell him everything that has been going on and you try to think of stuff he would want to hear about and there is this little part of you that feels stupid for sitting talking to a stone.” his sad eyes meet mine and my heart aches for him.
“I took a couple of beers the second time, Kate. I sat there, opened both and every time I took a sip, I poured a little onto the grass that covers him. I chatted to him for over an hour.”
I look over and there are silent tears falling down his face. My eyes fill with tears and I get up out of my seat and go to hug him. I've been so selfish this whole time, only thinking about me, so consumed with my grief I completely ignored the fact Ryan had lost his best friend, his best friend since he was six, the man who was more like a brother to him than a friend.
“I'm so sorry Ryan, I should have gone with you, I should have asked how you were doing I’ve been so wrapped up in what I was going through.”
“No, that isn't why I told you,” he wipes his eyes, “I just wanted you to know I've been and that.. I think you need to go too.”
“I know I do, I just don’t know what to tell him when I do go. I don’t know how to explain Daniel to him, because honestly Ryan, I don’t know how to explain Daniel to me.”
“You tell him he helps you and you tell him how you feel, how you miss him, how you need Daniel to help you survive. How even though you have feelings for him, you still love him and you
will forever.”
“Why does everyone but me have an easy time admitting that?” I sigh.
“Admitting what? That you have feelings for Daniel?”
“Yes.” I whisper.
“Because you don’t want to allow yourself to be happy, you think you lost that right when Richard lost his life, but you didn’t and you’re the only person who thinks that.”