by K. A. Hobbs
“It’s why I haven’t been yet. In the beginning I didn’t go because just the thought of it had my throat tensing up and me desperately trying to breathe,” I admit, “Then when I met Daniel and the weeks passed, I couldn’t go and sit at my dead husband’s grave and tell him I’d met someone who helps me, and not just someone, another man. It’s only been six months.”
“Kate, you need to get out of your head,” Ryan leans forward and takes my hand, “Apart from you, I knew Richard the best, and I can tell you now, with one hundred percent conviction, he would be so happy that Daniel is in your life. He wouldn’t want you to be the person you were before he came into your life.”
“I’ll go.” I tell him, wiping my eyes.
“If you want me to go with you, I’ll come with you.”
“No, thank you. But I need to go alone.”
* * *
My legs are shaking so much I’m sure I’ll never get there in one piece, so when I see his headstone, my legs give way from under me and I fall, ungraciously onto the grass that covers him. It’s the lushest grass I’ve ever seen and as I look around at the other graves, I notice no one else has grass quite like it. I smile, my Richard is loved so very much. I reach into my bag and bring out the flowers I’d brought with me to place here. Wiping away the tears that fall down my cheeks, I reach forward and place a kiss over his name and sit back on my heels.
“Hey gorgeous, how are you doing?” I whisper in to the air.
“I guess you know how I am. I’m okay, maybe not right now, but I am okay. I’m so sorry I haven’t come sooner. I have no excuse, but I really am sorry. Ryan told me that you two shared a beer together recently.” a sob breaks free and I wrap my arms around myself trying to keep myself together.
“I’m thinking of going back to work soon, I think I’m ready, I think I can help couples plan their day without breaking down, I guess I won’t know if I can until give it a go will I? You’re going to know what I’m about to tell you already, but I need to explain it to you, I need you to help me work through it.”
I take a deep breath and pull out my phone. I pull up my photos and I find the photo I am looking for. As Daniel’s face fills the screen I turn it around and hold it up so it faces the headstone. I wipe at my eyes and take a few deep breaths before I continue.
“Richard… This is Daniel,” I croak, “I met him three months after I lost you. We volunteer together. He lost his daughter, Poppy. We spend a lot of time together, he has become the most important person in my life, other than Ginny, Ryan and Aidan.”
I take a few deep breathes and place my mobile on the grass next to me, pulling my knees up to my chest and resting my chin on them. I look at my husband’s name and I smile.
“You would like him. He is so funny and kind, he looks after me. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve phoned him in a complete state and he has come to me, in the middle of the night to help me, because I’ve had a nightmare of that day. I don’t know what he is to me, I want to say he is just a friend to me, but I don’t think he is or at least, he won’t always be and I’m so sorry. He can’t take your place, he can’t. But everyone tells me I have feelings for him, that it’s clear to see except to me. I love you Richard, I love you so much, but you’re not here anymore and Daniel makes me feel happy, he makes the ache go away and he fills a little of the hole you left me with when you died. Please forgive me, Richard, please.”
I whisper the last words and turn my face up to the sky just as the sun breaks through the clouds, just as it begins to rain, a soft gentle rain that seems to just be over me, for in the distance, there is none. I shiver as I feel a warm hand on my cheek. I know that touch. I’d know that touch anywhere.
“Richard,” I cry as I close my eyes, the rain stopping, “I’m so sorry. I love you.”
I spend the next ten minutes sitting there crying, the warmth from that hand on my cheek still with me. I know it was him, I know he was giving me his blessing. I can’t explain it, but I know it, with everything I am that he is supporting me, like he had done when he was alive, because he didn’t know how to do anything else. It seems everyone but me is ready for me to move on, everyone thinks it’s a good idea, everyone understands. How long will it take for me to get to that place too?
* * *
Housework. The most boring thing in the world but one of the most necessary, no one wants to live in a dirty house. I put my iPod into the dock and scroll through the various playlists I have on there. I have a playlist for everything; cleaning, running, feeling happy, feeling sad. Any situation or feeling you can think of, I have a playlist. I press play on my cleaning playlist and the sound of Meghan Trainor rings out loudly through the lounge. I get to work, I have lots to get done. I seem to forever have a huge list of household chores and I never seem to get round to doing them all. Of course, it has nothing to do with me spending most of my spare time with Daniel or Ginny, finding any excuse I can not to spend too much alone time in the house. No, of course it doesn’t. I'm up to my elbows in soapy water scrubbing the floor when there is a knock at the door. Huffing some hair out of my face, I walk gingerly over the wet floor, not wanting to slip and break my neck but also knowing whoever it is at the door won't wait forever and there is nothing more annoying than getting there too late.
“That's a good look for you.” Ginny tells me when I open the door.
“What are you doing here?” I ask her, looking down at myself.
I wasn't planning on company so I’m dressed in a pair of mens boxer shorts and a vest top, with my purple polka dot apron I use for cleaning, my hair is scraped back and pulled on top of my head and I had no make up on. Thank God it’s only Ginny.
“Charming,” she laughs, “I do a nice thing, bring you sausage rolls, a home made lasagna and a chicken and ham pie and that's the welcome I get?”
“I was taken by surprise that's all. I wasn't expecting company, I would have dressed for it if I had known you were coming over.” I step aside and hold open the front door for her to walk through, as I shut the door I remember the wet floor.
“Be careful, the floor is wet!” I call out.
“Got it!” she calls back walking slowly across my clean floor in bare feet.
“So, not that it isn't welcome, or appreciated, because it is, but why are you bringing me food?”
I watch as she places the bag she is holding onto the counter and begins removing a glass dish that holds the lasagna, followed by a pie dish and a tupperware container that I guess has sausage rolls in it, placing them all on the counter.
“I wanted to make sure you're eating. And Ryan is driving me crazy today.”
“Ahhhh. What is he doing?”
“He is just... Getting under my feet with his stuff. You know Daniel was over last night? With his camera and photo stuff?”
“He was?” I'm surprised, I didn't realise they’ve got so close.
“Yes, he was showing Ryan something to do with a flash gun or something? And how it gives much nicer lighting than the flash that comes with the camera?” She rolls her eyes, “I mean, who actually cares?”
“You will when you see the difference lighting can make!” I laugh.
“Right now? Poor Aidan is being posed at home while Ryan plays with his new flash gun Daniel loaned him.”
“So, how long was he there for?” I ask.
“He stayed for dinner. I'm surprised you didn’t know about it.”
“We aren't joined at the hip you know. We're jus—”
“Just friends. Yes. I know.”
“Have I said it before?”
“Once or twice, yes. And it always sounds like you're trying to convince yourself sweetie.”
“I am trying to convince myself, Ginny.” I whisper, covering my eyes with my hand.
“Why?”
“We’ve been over this before too, I can’t keep repeating myself.”
“Do you know what? I think you should just go with it, stop overthinking
everything. You like him. He likes you. You both make each other happy and it’s been six months and for the first three months you didn’t get out of bed.” she tells me, reaching over to hold my hand.
“Then you met Daniel, and since that very first day, the light has slowly been coming back into your eyes, you’re eating, you’re laughing, you’re smiling. I’m getting my best friend back.”
“But—”
“No buts. Just shush and stop worrying. It will all work itself out. Now, shall I put some of these sausage rolls in the oven and make us a coffee?”
“Oh, go on then!”
Twenty minutes later, Ginny is sitting on my bed while I get dressed after having had the quickest shower in the history of showers. I am slipping in to a pair of jeans when the landline rings. I look over at the name on the screen and smile.
“Afternoon, Mr Lambert.” I smile into the phone.
“How are you, Katie?” his deep voice comes down the phone and I smile more.
“I’m really good. How are you?” I meet Ginny’s eyes and she winks at me, just as the oven timer beeps.
“I’ll go get them out.” she whispers.
“I’m okay. I was wondering if you fancy lunch?” he asks. Something is wrong I can hear the wobble in his voice.
“Well, Ginny is here actually.”
“Oh,” he sounds disappointed, “It’s okay. Another time.”
I suddenly get the feeling he really does need to see me, he sounds okay, but there is an underlying tension there. Taking the opportunity to ask him while Ginny is downstairs I ask him what’s wrong.
“What’s happened?”
“I got a birthday card.”
“That’s a bad thing?”
“It’s for Poppy.”
“Oh, Daniel, why don’t I come over?” I walk over to the wardrobe and get a t-shirt out.
“You’ve got Ginny over, it’s okay.”
“Ginny will understand, I can be there in twenty minutes.”
“I’m okay.” I know he isn’t.
“Do you want more guests? I can bring Ginny and R—”
“I think it might help. Today is Poppy’s eighth birthday. I can’t be alone today, Katie.” he whispers the last few words, his voice breaking, breaking my heart too.
“I’ll bring them over, if you’re sure. They will want to be there for you, Daniel.”
“Please.” he doesn’t say anything else, he doesn’t need to.
“Ginny and I will take care of everything. We’ll be there in an hour. I’ll have my phone with me if you need me. It’s okay, Daniel.” I try to soothe him down the line, it’s all I can do right now.
“I could really do with a hug right now.” he half laughs.
“Hugs are coming your way. I’ll be there soon.”
I end the call and slip my white t-shirt over my head, slipping a scarf around my neck and grabbing my denim jacket, I head downstairs to Ginny who I find sitting on a stool in the kitchen looking at her phone.
“We need to go to Daniel’s.” I blurt out.
“We do? Is he okay?” she puts her phone down and looks at me.
“Yes, we do. It’s Poppy’s birthday today. He got a birthday card for her in the post.” I wince and Ginny winces too.
“Ouch. We do need to go to Daniel’s.”
“I said we’d sort everything, food and stuff. And I told him, I’m bringing all of you. So we need to pick up the boys.” I pick up the sausage roll on the plate and bite into it.
The pastry is so crumbly and perfect, I don’t know how she does it. Whenever I make pastry it’s awful. I turn around to grab my coffee and hear Ginny speak behind me.
“Babe, get Aidan ready. We’re going to Daniel’s.” I turn back around and Ginny has her phone to her ear while she scoffs a sausage roll. She meets my eyes and rolls them.
“Anything, babe. Just get him dressed. Okay, I’ll see you in ten minutes,” she rolls her eyes again and shakes her head, “What do I dress him in? Honestly, clothes!”
“We can help him when we go round. Are you ready?”
“Yes,” she picks up the plate and shakes it a little at me, “Eat these, I’ve had three already!”
I pick up the two remaining sausage rolls and put them in a little tub and place it in my bag. Heading into the hallway, I pick out my ballet pumps and open the front door. We take Ginny’s car and five minutes later, we’re pulling up outside her house. She flies out of the car and to the front door calling out a hello as she steps in. Ryan walks down the stairs with Aidan in his arms looking incredibly cute in a blue jumper with a truck on and the cutest pair of jeans.
“Look at my handsome boys.” Ginny smiles, holding her arms out for Aidan.
“I got us both dressed, in under ten minutes, it’s a miracle!” Ryan laughs.
“You’ll get your reward later.” Ginny smiles, kissing his cheek.
“So… Daniel?”
“It’s Poppy’s birthday today. A card came in the post. I don’t know who sent it, but he needs us.” I tell him, kissing his cheek in greeting.
“Then we’re there.” he assures me.
“And I need to sort food. Ideas?” Ginny calls, walking with Aidan into the kitchen.
“The chicken bake thing?” Ryan calls as he follows her in.
“With the sweet potato?” she asks, cocking her head to the side.
“Yes.” Ryan nods, holding his arms out for a wriggling Aidan.
“Perfect. I can get everything I need after I’ve dropped you off,” Ginny smiles leaning over to kiss Aidan on his chubby cheek, “Let me pack this one a bag and we’ll get going,”
* * *
Tom Odell filters out to us from inside, the lights from inside the house casting a golden glow around us. Daniel has his eyes closed, leaning back in his chair, his jumper pulled tight around his neck, trying to keep the cold out. I know it won’t help, the cold comes from within, the cold comes from grief and loss and nothing can stop it taking over your body, paralysing you with it’s strength. It’s late, too late to be sitting outside in the cold, but we are anyway. One solitary candle flickering in the wind. Poppy’s candle, the candle I lit with Daniel when the others left. The candle that is Daniel’s memory, Daniel’s joy at being blessed with his daughter and his pain at her being taken away.
“It’s late.” I whisper, stretching a little in my seat, my body so cold it is freezing up.
“Or early,” Daniel whispers back looking at his watch, “It’s after one.”
“Do you want to go inside?”
“I don’t think I can feel my legs enough to walk.”
I look over at the bottle of Talisker that started the night full and is now half empty. At first I think he was drinking to forget, but when the memories came, he was drinking to numb everything. I’m not sure at what point he was drinking to warm up, but it doesn’t seem to have worked.
“I’ll help you.”
I stand and hold my hand out for him. He takes my hand and laces our fingers together, before he stands and pulls me to him. When my body collides with the wall of warm hard muscle and his face lowers to mine I take a step back.
“I’m sorry,” he tells me, “I shouldn’t…”
“You’ve been drinking, you’re sad, it’s okay.” I tell him, raising my hand to his cheek.
“It’s no excuse.”
“Let’s go inside, let’s get warm.”
I take the candle from the table and carry it into the lounge, placing it on the fireplace. Daniel kicks off his shoes and throws himself onto the sofa, holding out his hand for me to sit next to him. When I slip off my shoes and sit down, he pulls me to him and rests his cheek on the top of my head.
“Why don’t we watch something? A film? What do you like?” I ask him.
“Other than porn?” he jokes and bursts out laughing.
“Daniel Lambert!” I laugh with him a little shocked.
“I’m joking. Let’s see what’s on.” he takes the remote
and switches on the TV.
We spend the next ten minutes trying to find something to watch, finally settling on a modern TV adaptation of Dracula. It’s pretty good, but I soon sense Daniel has fallen asleep, his breathing deep and calm. When I’m sure he is deep asleep, I slip out of his arms and into the kitchen. I put the kettle on and make myself a cup of tea, needing something warm and calming.
I cover Daniel with a blanket and settle myself on the armchair across from him. He looks sad, even in sleep tonight. The ache I feel in my chest for him is overwhelming. I wish I could make this whole thing easier, I’m just not sure how to do that. Not feeling the least bit tired, I pick my kindle up out of my bag and fire it up, losing myself in my latest novel. A story about a young man and a young girl living inside a cult. They are desperately in love but it’s forbidden. It’s an incredible story that has gripped me from the very first page. Before I’m even aware of it, the sun is coming up and I’ve finished the whole book, tears streaming down my face, my chest rising and falling rapidly.