by K. A. Hobbs
“Ready?” He smiles, all traces of our earlier conversation gone.
“Absolutely.” I smile.
We walk into the restaurant, Daniel's hand at the small of my back. We’e greeted by a small man who shows us to our table, seating us towards the back of the busy restaurant. The table is intimate and romantic and more proof that Daniel sees this as a date.
“Katie, tonight is my treat, it's been too long since I've been able to spoil a beautiful woman and I hope to be able to make the most of it. Order whatever you would like and however much you want.”
The candles around us are casting the most incredible golden glow around him, his dark blonde hair looking more golden, his strong jaw and nose made more beautiful, which I must admit, I didn't think was possible.
“You really are a charmer, Mr Lambert.” I grin.
“Am I? It's been so long I think I may have forgotten how to be charming.”
“Not at all, you are charming all the time, but especially so tonight.”
The waiter comes over and hands us each a menu and wine list. I hand it over to Daniel, knowing nothing about wine I will probably end up ordering something awful.
“I can't have more than a small glass, so which would you prefer? Red? White?” He looks at me over his menu, his blue eyes sparkling.
“Do I have time to look over the menu before I decide?”
“Katie, you can do whatever you'd like, have as long as you'd like.”
I smile and continue to look at my menu, my mouth waters just looking at the choices there are. I am so thankful that I’ve gone for my sexy but sensible dress and not something that requires me to wear my Spanks.
“I just cannot choose.” I groan five minutes later.
“What are the choices?” Daniel smiles at me.
“It is easier to ask me what isn’t!" I laugh.
“Okay.. What isn't on your short list.”
“The side salad.” I grin.
“Winter is a terrible time to have salad anyway.” he laughs.
“Okay, I'm just going to see what comes out of my mouth when the waiter comes back. What are you having?” When I look back at Daniel his eyes are a little darker and focused on my mouth.
“I'm going for the salmon, it is absolutely delicious.” he answers, looking at me.
“Then I won't get the salmon, I can just try yours.” I reply cheekily.
Dinner is delicious and I eat far to much. Good job this isn’t a date because I make a complete and utter pig of myself. Daniel helps me put my coat on and we walk the short distance to the theatre arm in arm. It feels natural, it feels right and it isn't until we step foot into the theatre and I spot a friend of Richard’s that it feels wrong.
“Katie?” Sean comes towards me and I tense.
“Sean, I haven't seen you since… How have you… This is..” my mind goes blank. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say.
“I know. I'm sorry about that. I did try to get in touch soon after the funeral, but I spoke to Ginny and she said you needed a little time.”
“Right.” I am aware I need to introduce Daniel but I seem to have completely forgotten how to speak.
“I'm Daniel, Katie and I volunteer at the children's hospital together.” Daniel holds out his hand to Sean who shakes it warily.
“I'm Sean, I was a friend of Katie's husband.”
Sean looks at me as he says husband. I see the look of disapproval in his eyes. It has been ten months since Richard died, it isn’t like I jumped straight into another relationship or anything and this isn’t a relationship. It isn’t even a date.
“I best be getting back to Gillian. It was good seeing you.. You seem, happy.”
Why is there judgment in that one word? Am I not allowed to be happy? Did losing Richard mean I have to be sad and heartbroken forever? His attitude upsets and annoys me, more than I should let it. I watch Sean walk away and only stop watching when I feel Daniel's hand squeeze my arm.
“I know he was a friend, Katie... But he seems like an idiot to me.” he whispers in my ear.
“It wasn't just me then? I was being judged?”
“He has no right, Katie. No right at all.”
I feel suddenly teary and like everyone around us knows that my husband died ten months ago and I am now on a date, that every single person around me is judging me.
“Everyone thinks they have a right to judge. We can't change that, but what you know in your heart, what your friends know, is what matters.”
“Thank you.” I whisper, feeling a little embarrassed.
“His judgment says more about him than it does about you, I can assure you of that.”
Daniel leans closer and surprises me when he places a kiss to my forehead and pulls me into an embrace. I lean into him, soaking up his warmth and scent, a scent that is so comforting to me after all these months.
“Now, we are going to forget about him and we are going to have a fabulous evening together, understood?”
“Understood. I just need to pop to the ladies and fix my face, I must look awful.” Daniel leans in again, crouching a little to meet my eyes and looks at me closely.
“Actually, quite the opposite, you've never looked more beautiful.” I feel that familiar warmth wash over me and I sigh, suddenly feeling calmer.
“I'll be right back.” I tell him, turning and making my way to the ladies.
After freshening up my make up, giving myself a pep talk and applying a little more perfume, I make my way back out to the bar area. I spot Daniel standing chatting to another woman at the bar. She is tall, slender and beautiful. It is clear even from here she is flirting, leaning into him, laughing. I scowl and realise I feel jealous again. She is exactly the kind of woman he should be with, so why does it annoy me so much? I think it’s time to admit this is a date for both of us. Daniel looks up and spots me then, a smile spreading over his whole face.
“Are you okay?” he asks when I step up to his side.
“I'm great, thank you.” I reach down and take his hand in mine, making it clear to the female standing in front of him that he isn’t available.
“Would you like a drink? We still have some time before we need to take our seats.” he smiles at me, a smile so beautiful it takes my breath away.
“I would love a glass of wine.” Daniel places his order and then we move over to an empty table and take a seat. I look around and see the female at the bar looking over at us quizzically.
“Did I interrupt something?” I nod in the direction of the bar.
“Nothing at all. I came with you. I want to be with you.”
The words are simple enough but laced with so much meaning. It's only then I realise, I don't just love Daniel like a friend, my feelings run much deeper than friendship. He is so beautiful to me, inside and out. His courage inspires me everyday, his kindness makes me want to be a better person, his presence makes me feel safe and wanted and if I’m honest, loved.
“I want to be here with you too.”
“I don't just mean tonight, Katie.” his face is serious now.
“Maybe I don't either, Daniel.”
There is an announcement then, that everyone should take their seats for the performance. I take Daniel’s hand and stand up. He pulls me to him and just rests his forehead to mine for no more than thirty seconds, but in those thirty seconds I feel something change.
* * *
We drive home much later in a content bubble, my hand resting on Daniel's the whole way. As we get closer to my street a overwhelming feeling of sadness washes over me, it completely consumes me. I realise I don't want to say goodnight to Daniel. I don't want our night to end. I have only just admitted to myself that I have feelings for him, but was I ready to take it any further? No I’m not.
“Daniel?” my voice comes out as a whisper but he hears it.
“Yes, Katie?”
“I'm not sure I'm ready for tonight to be over. But I'm not ready for anything else either.”
> “I wouldn't and don't expect you to be.”
“Will you..” I take a deep breath, “Will you stay the night with me?” I hear his sharp intake of breath then, I've shocked him.
“I don't mean.. I just.. Will you hold me? In my bed?”
I feel embarrassed, asking him to stay and hold me, asking him to sleep in the very bed I slept next to Richard in, made love to him in. But those sheets have been cold and empty for a long time. In fact, the sheets that grace my bed tonight are not sheets Richard ever slept on.
“Are you sure?” he whispers.
“Yes. I need to talk to you too. To help you understand where I am right now. I'm confused,
so you must be too.”
“I am so many things right now, Katie. Confused is one of them, yes.”
We arrive outside my house and he turns off the engine, turning slightly to look at me. It’s late, everyone in the street will be asleep. No one will see us walk in together. Why does that worry me? I’m worried people will react how Sean reacted, that they will judge me, that’s what worries me but I push it away.
“Then come in and let me explain.” I hold out my hand for him and he takes it. Bringing it up to his mouth and resting his warm lips to it.
We step out of the car and walk up the path to my front door. My heels click clacking on the path sound so much louder in the dead of night. I reach my front door and slip the key into the lock pushing it open and stepping over the threshold, Daniel right behind me. I remove my coat and hang it on the hook by the door and stand holding out my hands waiting for Daniel's. He removes his coat and hands it to me looking shyly up from under his eyelashes. I step forward until I am standing right in front of him. I reach for his hand and find it’s shaking.
“This doesn't need to be scary, Daniel.” I tell him.
“Then why is it?” he whispers, closing his eyes.
“Because the scariest things in life are often the most exhilarating, the things that scare us the most can also bring us the most joy if we let them.”
I turn and walk into the lounge, pulling Daniel behind me. I switch on the lamp beside the sofa and the room is basked in a golden glow. I take a seat and Daniel sits next to me, folding his long frame onto the sofa.
“Last week,” I begin, “You told me, you were in love with me.”
“I did. I am.” he replies, holding my hand a little tighter.
“I told you, I loved you as a friend. That I wasn't sure I could or would ever love anyone in a different way again.”
“Yes.” he breathes the word, so softly, but I feel his warm breath on my face.
“Tonight.. I know I don't feel… I feel so much more than friendship for you, Daniel. But I am so confused. Sean’s reaction tonight. He made me feel like I was wrong, how could I possibly feel anything for another man when I had lost Richard.”
“He’s the one who is wrong, Katie. So very, very wrong. No one expects you to live life alone and without love. No one, not even Richard would want that.”
“But there are people who will.” I whisper.
“And those people aren't worth your thoughts let alone your time. No one has the right to judge you, to tell you when the right time to move on is. You have to decide that on your own, if at all.”
“And what if I decide I'm ready now? That I'm in love with you, Daniel. That you've made my broken pieces come back together, what then?” I look up at his face and he is smiling. A soft, gentle smile. A smile that tells me, he loves me, that he wants to protect me.
“Then I'll tell you that I love you. That I was so broken before, my heart so shattered I wasn't sure it could be fixed. And that you..” he leans forward and takes my face in his big hands, “You put it and me back together. You helped mend me.”
When he leans forward and presses his lips to mine, so softly I could be imagining it, I let myself feel. I let myself feel things I never thought I would feel again. I feel love, I feel warmth, I feel arousal. I reach up and hold his face in my hands too, I hold on to him like he is my life support. Because he is.
“So will you stay with me? Just to hold me and be close. I'm not ready for anything else.”
“And I don't want anything else.”
I stand and Daniel stands too. I slip off my shoes and Daniel does the same. Then I walk with him out of the lounge and into the hallway, when I reach the bottom step I stop and turn around to face him.
“No one has been upstairs since.. Not a male anyway. Not even Ryan. But I want you to know, that he doesn't live here anymore. He lives in here,” I hold my hand over my chest, “He will always live in here. But you live in here too. Are you okay with that?”
“How could I ever not be okay with that?”
We climb the stairs in silence, when we reach my bedroom door I push it open and step inside, walking over to the bed and switching on the lamp. The room comes into view and so does Daniel.
He looks a little lost. Unsure as to whether he should be here or not. As I look at him, I know he should be. I step forward and rest my hand on the lapel of his jacket, he looks down at me and smiles.
“This is my room,” I tell him, “This is where I sleep. Where my clothes are and where I read late at night. This is where I've phoned you at two am because I've had a nightmare, where you've phoned me for the very same reason. Tonight, this is where you sleep too.”
“I'm scared.” he admits and I can see that it's true.
“There is no need to be scared. Tonight, it's just sleep. Nothing to be scared of.”
“I'm not scared of tonight, I'm scared of tomorrow. I'm scared when the sun comes up and it's light outside, all of this will cease to exist and I'll lose you too.”
“The only thing that will come with the sunrise is more love for you, Daniel. I promise you that.”
I reach up and push his jacket off his shoulders, bending down, I pick it up and walk over to the wardrobe. I open the door and take out a hanger, before placing the jacket on it and then sliding it onto the rail in amongst my clothes. When I turn around, Daniel is standing exactly like he was before.
“I'm going to go and get ready for bed, I don't have anything for you to wear, I'm sorry, I didn't plan this.” he steps forward and rests his hands on my waist, his warm hands seem to fit there like I belong to him, like he is the artist and I am his sculpture, his hands fitting like they have created me.
“I have a t-shirt on under here and I am wearing pants,” he grins, “I'll manage.”
“I'll be right back.”
I fetch my pyjamas from under my pillow and head to the en-suite. I close the door behind me and look at myself in the mirror. My cheeks are a little flushed and my heart is beating faster than usual in my chest. I slip out of my dress and underwear and into my pyjamas. Simple shorts and a camisole. I brush my teeth and remove my make up. I look in the drawers and find the new toothbrush I have and place it on the vanity. When I think I'm ready I open the door and step out. Daniel is sitting on the stool by my dresser wearing just a t-shirt and boxer briefs. I have to remind myself to exhale. He is gorgeous. His long legs are muscular, strong and perfect and he is sitting waiting for me. He looks up and smiles, his eyes roaming over my body, I realise then, I have a lot of bare skin on show.
“I've left you a new toothbrush on the vanity,” I tell him, walking over to the bed and pulling back the duvet.
“Thank you. I'll be two minutes.”
He stands and I greedily watch him walk into the bathroom. His t-shirt pulls over his back as he walks and his boxer briefs are tight and leave little to the imagination. My stomach flips and heat pools in places I have long forgotten about. I climb into bed and pull the covers up, laying back against the mountain of pillows. I wait and I wait and Daniel doesn't come back out. There is no sound coming from the bathroom either. I swing my legs out of bed and pad over to the bathroom door and knock.
“Daniel? Are you okay?” the door opens and there he is. He holds out his arms and I step into them.
Wrapping my arms around him as he does the same to me, “What’s wrong?” I mumble into his chest.
“I just needed to try and calm down a little.”
“Calm down?”
“You're wearing very little. You're the most beautiful, sexy woman in the world, and I am not ashamed to admit I've not been with anyone since Poppy's mother. I want you and I can't help that. But that isn't what tonight is about, that isn't what this whole thing is about. So I needed a minute.”
I feel him then, I feel him stir against my body. I feel his erection against my stomach. It doesn't shock me, my reaction shocks me. I push a little harder against his body and move myself back and forth against him. It has been so long since I’ve felt a male this close to me, with very little between us. I’m glad my body remembers what it’s supposed to feel, how it’s supposed to react to having a gorgeous, sexy male pressed against it.