by Maggie Fox
He turned to look at her.
“Is that possible do you think? That you could be with someone you loved for all those years, and not even know when they’re cheating on you?”
“I don’t know,” she replied, realising he was actually looking to her for a proper answer, and desperately wishing she could provide him with a more positive one.
He frowned and shook his head. “That’s a terrifying thought. You just never know, do you?”
“Did you talk to your dad too?” Faith asked, trying to steer the conversation in a slightly different direction, away from infidelity.
Zane was right, she thought. The whole cheating business, and not knowing if the person you loved was as committed to your relationship as you were, was terrifying. She knew that only too well – she’d been through it all with Matt.
Zane shook his head. “No. When Dad and I get together we go climbing. We don’t do the emotional, pour-your-heart-out chats. The weather, the latest climbing gear, stuff in the news, yeah, we can talk about that. But not the stuff that matters. That’s too difficult.”
He paused, then added, “After seeing what all that had done to my dad, I vowed to stay away from relationships and concentrate on my work. Then, in Austria, I met Holly. It wasn’t in a bar or anything. I wasn’t looking to get involved. I was on the way into a supermarket. She was coming out and her shopping bag split open, I stopped to help her and she invited me for a coffee to thank me. Much as I said I wasn’t going to get involved, I found I couldn’t stay away from her. And soon…”
He stopped. Faith squeezed his hand again, in a way that she hoped was soothing as well as encouraging.
“Go on.”
“I’m sorry, Faith, but I was in love with her. I let it happen, even though I didn’t want a relationship. It was great for six months. She was American, working as a chalet girl, travelling around Europe. At the end of the ski season I thought she’d stick around and get other work in the resort. We’d talked about a future together, even made some plans. But when it came down to it, she wanted to leave and do more travelling, head down to the Mediterranean coast. I had my dream job, was still under contract and working towards making my plans a reality. I’d done all the backpacking stuff years ago. I had to stay in Austria. Had to. I asked Holly to stay, and she refused.”
They sat in silence for a few moments. Faith didn’t want to hear about how Zane had been in love, or how this Holly woman had broken his heart. But she knew it was all part of the jigsaw that made up Zane, and if she truly wanted to understand him and what he’d been through, then she had to sit here and listen to what he had to say. All of it.
“Around the same time Matt had met Karolina, and she was messing him about something terrible. Flirting with guys right in front of him, and far worse than that. He was a mess. I suppose we both were. With how my mum had treated Dad, and how Holly had made plans with me then just walked out on us, and how Karolina was driving Matt insane, I thought I’d never be able to trust another woman again. I’d had enough. I vowed from that point on it was just going to be all work and nothing else. I was so determined.”
He shook his head, as if he was thinking he’d been crazy to believe all that could be possible.
“Then I arrived here and I met you, and the very first second we talked I heard alarm bells ringing. I wasn’t even capable of trying to stay away from you. I was scared of getting involved, but just couldn’t stop myself. I allowed it to happen again, and I allowed myself to hope that this time it might be OK. And for a while I think I actually believed it would be OK. Then Matt came back from Austria, and I discovered you had a history with him.”
“Oh, Zane.” Faith closed her eyes, finally understanding why Zane had reacted so badly to her having a past with Matt.
At last she could understand Zane’s paranoia whenever he’d seen her and Matt chatting, when he’d witnessed Matt flirting with her, when he’d seen the two of them together at the dance, when Matt had been playfully kissing her neck.
“And when you found out about that, you immediately thought about your mum getting involved with her old school friend? You thought I might get back with Matt?”
“Yep.”
He sighed and took another sip of his drink. “Part of me wanted to finish things as soon as I found out you two had a history. But another part of me, the stubborn part I guess, decided to try and put it all behind me and give us a chance to work. When you and I were together, I honestly felt like I could do this. I was determined I wasn’t going to let myself think you were about to walk out on me at any minute. I tried not to think about the possibility that you might be interested in Matt. Then I saw you and him together at the dance.”
Zane paused before continuing.
“I saw him kissing you, and I saw you together again when he rescued you in the hill race. All the doubts, all the trust issues, they all came flooding back.”
“Zane, you have to believe I was never interested in Matt. Only in you.”
She looked at him and her heart went out to him. He should have told her all of this at the start of their relationship. Then she could have understood his insecurity, his jealousy, his paranoia. But she could also understand why he hadn’t told her.
He finished his drink, put the glass on the table and propped his elbows on his knees, rubbing the palms of his hands across his face.
“A little while ago,” Faith murmured, “Matt told me that all his flirting with me, trying to cause trouble between us, wasn’t about trying to break us up. He said it was about trying to make the relationship between you and me stronger. What did he mean?”
Zane sighed and looked uncomfortable.
“I’ve thought long and hard about the way he’s been behaving with you these past months. I’ve come to the conclusion that by flirting with you, he was trying to test you. See if you would cheat on me.”
“What?” Faith screeched. “It was all to see if I’d be tempted to go off with him?”
Zane nodded. “I’m afraid so. Matt’s mind works in mysterious ways, especially when it comes to relationships and women. But I think he was genuinely, in his own way, trying to help.”
Faith said nothing, trying to get her head round this latest revelation. Was that true? Had all Matt’s flirting been to test her? Was he really just checking to see how committed to Zane she actually was?
“I understand now why you think and act the way you do.” Faith reached down and touched his shoulder. “I understand you better for telling me all of this. But you could have told me before. Why didn’t you?”
Zane eased himself away from her, getting to his feet.
“I’m screwed up, Faith. I just thought if I told you everything before, then you’d run a mile. And I didn’t want to lose you. I know now that it was unfair of me. But I had to tell you everything tonight, before we could see if we have any chance of a future together. Though, at the same time, I know that what I’ve just said might have finished us for good. But I just had to tell you. It was long overdue.”
She watched him start to pace back and forth again.
“I don’t need you to be perfect, Zane. I just need you to be you. Stop trying so hard because you’re scared you’ll do or say something to upset me and then I’ll leave you. That’s what this was all about wasn’t it? You kept thinking I’d leave you. That’s why you panicked and tried to finish with me.”
He nodded. “When we were together it totally blew my mind. But at the same time I was terrified that no matter how amazing it was now, how perfect we were, one day you’d leave. So with some perverse sense of logic, the only answer was that I had to end it before you did.”
“I can see why,” she said gently. “But you have to try to trust me, Zane. I wasn’t going anywhere. I felt just as strongly about you.”
I still do feel that way about you, she thought.
“I have to say, the worse thing for you to do right now would be to agree to be with me again if you’re not absolutely sure.�
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He glanced over at her and quickly looked away, shoving his hands in his pockets.
“If we do try again,” he went on, “I don’t want you to be with me for the wrong reasons. I don’t want you to get back into our relationship because you feel sorry for me, or because you want to help to try and mend me, or because you feel some kind of misplaced guilt. I only want you to say yes to us trying again if it is one hundred per cent because you want me, not for any other reason. I don’t want sympathy or pity, Faith. That’s the last thing I need. I swear I would rather you walk away right now than we do this and I find out it was because you felt sorry for me, and then find that further down the line things will end up far worse.”
He stopped pacing and looked at her.
“I need to ask you to do something for me, Faith. I need you to take at least twenty-four hours and think about everything I’ve just said. If, after that, you decide you want to try again with me, then I need you to be absolutely positive about the reasons why you’re doing this.”
“But…” She took a step towards him.
He backed away, shaking his head.
“No, please. I don’t want an answer now. Think about it. Take a day, or two, or however long you need, to make a decision you’re totally happy with. I need you to think about what it would mean if you get involved with me again. I need you to be totally honest with yourself. And with me. Promise me you’ll do that?”
Faith nodded.
“I promise.”
Chapter Thirty-Five
Once back at his cottage, it took Zane less than five minutes to realise there was no way he was going to settle tonight. No TV programme or DVD was going to stop his mind racing with thoughts. He wanted – needed – to be active, to do something, and burn off some energy.
The snow was getting quite bad but he had a 4x4 parked outside. He was used to driving in blizzards. He should be; he’d lived in Austria long enough. Thankfully he’d only had an orange juice at the party earlier, so he would be fine to drive. Then he remembered the wine he’d drunk at Faith’s flat in an attempt to calm his nerves. How much had he drunk then? Only two small glasses. He should still be OK. He could drive out to the Centre and spend some time on the climbing wall. OK, it wouldn’t be as challenging as the real thing outdoors. But for now, in these weather conditions and in the dark, the most difficult route on the climbing wall would have to suffice.
Pulling up outside the Centre he saw the lights on and Matt’s own 4x4 vehicle in the car park. He walked into the part of the Centre which housed the climbing walls and spotted Matt fairly close to the bottom of one of the designated routes. He figured Matt couldn’t have been there long, as his car had only the lightest covering of snow.
The doors swung shut behind him and, hearing the noise, Matt looked down.
“Need to burn off some energy?” Matt shouted.
“Something like that,” Zane shouted back. “I’ll go and get sorted. Back in a mo.”
Nothing more had been said about the incident in the office. The two of them had gradually started talking to each other again, rather than communicating via Dave.
“I didn’t expect to see you down here tonight,” Matt said when Zane walked back in the room.
“No? Why’s that?”
“I thought you’d have far more exciting things to do.”
“Like what?” Zane asked as he sorted out his harness and ropes.
Matt frowned.
“Like being with Faith.”
Zane, still busy with ropes, didn’t look at him. “What makes you think that?”
“I saw you guys together outside the pub. The girl I was dancing with was starting to get a bit heavy so I made my excuses and left. I saw you, down the road, with your arms around Faith.”
“She fell over in the snow and ice. I helped her up and walked her home.”
“So what are you doing here then? I felt sure you guys were going to get back together tonight.”
“We didn’t.”
“So what’s going on? How come you’re here in the middle of the night then?”
Zane glanced across at him. “I could ask you the same question.”
“You could, but we were talking about you, not me. You still love her, don’t you?”
“Matt, are we going to climb or not? I didn’t come here to talk.”
“Maybe you should have. Are you in love with Faith?”
“Yes,” Zane snapped. “I am. OK?”
“No. It isn’t OK. Not when you guys aren’t together any more.”
Zane ignored him and started to climb.
“I’m sorry.”
“About what?” Zane asked, exasperated, clinging to the climbing wall a few feet above the ground.
“I lied to you.”
Chapter Thirty-Six
It was close to one in the morning when Faith finally gave up trying to get any sleep. Nothing she’d tried was getting her mind to switch off. Herbal tea? Useless. Alcohol? Equally useless. Distracting her mind with television? No chance.
She walked into the kitchen and stared around her. She hadn’t got a clue what she was looking for. Should she try another drink? She didn’t really want one. What did she want? She knew instantly what she wanted. She wanted to go and talk to Zane.
He’d asked her to stay away for at least a day. Made her promise that she would take the time to think everything through.
She sighed. She’d had enough of thinking.
Ten minutes later she was dressed and heading for Zane’s cottage at the other end of the village. This time she’d put on her walking boots so she could actually walk in the snow without slipping over and breaking a leg. The snow was fairly deep in places, but thankfully the blizzard of earlier had petered out and now there were only light flakes of snow swirling in the wind.
Usually, seeing Carleton all dressed up for Christmas made her smile and look forward to the festivities ahead. Not today though. She walked past the newsagents, closed and dark, and noticed two of the white bulbs on its tree were broken. They’d only been switched on tonight, and already Carleton’s magical light extravaganza had lost its perfection thanks to some faulty bulbs.
How quickly things change, she thought, as she turned the corner and started to climb the steep road up to Zane’s cottage, the wind now blowing snow into her face. One moment things are perfect, the next the cracks and faults start to show. Just how it had been in her relationship with Zane. On the camping trip it had been sheer perfection. The next day it was over. You could never take things for granted. All those secrets Zane had been keeping bottled up inside. Why hadn’t he told her everything before now? Then she would have understood why he was behaving the way he was.
Thinking back a few hours to Zane sitting on the sofa in her flat, the look on his face, the rigid set to his body, the hurt in his eyes, she knew exactly why he hadn’t explained everything before. She could see how hard it had been for him to tell her everything tonight, and she knew that he’d only told her now because circumstances had pretty much forced him into it.
Realising she’d been lost in her thoughts, she stopped and looked around. She was almost at the top of the hill. Pushing her hood away from her face she headed for Zane’s cottage. There were no lights on. Evidently Zane was having more success at getting some sleep than she was. She knocked on the door and hoped Zane would wake up before she succeeded in walking up all his neighbours as well.
There was no answer.
Was he deliberately ignoring her? He’d told her to take some time and think about things. Had he looked out of his bedroom window, seen her standing out in the snow in the middle of the night, and decided to go back to bed?
But she didn’t need to take any more time. She’d made her decision, and she needed to tell him what it was. Now. Even if it was the middle of the night.
She knocked more loudly.
Still no answer.
Taking a few steps back, she peered up at his bedroom wind
ow even though she couldn’t really see much from this angle. Wondering what to do next, she looked around her, and then peered up and down the street at the cars parked outside the cottages. That was when she realised that Zane’s car wasn’t there.
She walked along the road in case he’d had to park it further up the lane, away from the house. No. It definitely wasn’t there.
Where on earth was he? He’d gone out in this weather? OK, he had a decent 4x4 which could cope with these conditions, and he was probably used to driving in far deeper snow than this after spending years living and working in Austria. But even so, it was past one in the morning. So where on earth was he?
She didn’t want to think about that.
Turning, she trudged back down the hill.
It looked as though what she had to say to him would have to wait after all.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Zane released his rope and abseiled back to the floor. He looked at Matt.
“I know you lied.”
Matt leaned back against the wall. “I thought you might have figured it out. You know me too well, mate. I did have a good reason though, honestly.”
“You had a good reason for lying to me about having slept with my girlfriend? You really think such a thing exists?”
Matt nodded and reached for a bottle of water. “Yep. I was trying to help. It doesn’t matter what happened, or didn’t happen, all those years ago, not really, does it? What matters is that I’m not sleeping with her now.”
“There’s some kind of twisted logic to that. But, talking of now, you’ve tried it on with her over these past few months, haven’t you? How do you explain that? Was that, in some crazy way, supposed to help as well?”
“Yes, and, er, yes.”
“OK.” Zane sighed. “Shoot. Tell me. How was any of this supposed to be helping Faith and me?”
“I lied because I was mad at the world, at Karo, at myself. Mad at you, jealous because you were in a good relationship. Not because I wanted Faith.”
“Yet you still hit on her?”
“Yes. I did it for you. To test her. You’re a good mate. I knew you were in deep with her, and I knew that with all the stuff in your past, you were worried. So I thought, OK, if she is going to cheat on him, it will be with me. We had a history, so…”