by Hart, Eve R.
Her eyes slid to the side as she said that last part.
“And if someone did love you,” I said and damn, my heart was beating like crazy, “how would you want them to show you?”
“Money can’t do everything but it can help you. It’s the thought behind how you use the money, how you spend it. Like does this mystery person that loves me go crazy on our anniversary? Does he, say, buy me a room full of my favorite flowers just to see the look on my face when I see them? Or does he… buy out a rooftop bar for the night just to dance with me under the stars? For no reason other than he wants to take me out but wants to have me all to himself too.”
“Ah, I think I’m catching on,” I told her as I tilted her chin so I could have her eyes.
“You sure?”
“I’m sure. I think I might have some ideas… you know, for this guy whoever he might be.”
“Maybe you should write them down for me, I could give him the list… when he comes into my life.”
I leaned down and kissed her cheek. Then my lips grazed her neck right under her ear.
“What if he’s already here?” I asked her in a whisper against her ear.
I held myself there because I was afraid to pull back and see her eyes. What if I’d read this whole thing all wrong. I think it would kill the last little bit of my heart I had left if she told me she didn’t feel the same. But I had to. I had to put it all out there right now. If there was ever a perfect time, it was this moment right here.
She went completely still in my arms and I was pretty sure she was holding her breath. I worried if she stayed that way much longer, then she’d pass out from lack of oxygen.
“I need you to really mean it. If you love me, you can’t do it lightly. Not ever. I couldn’t live with that from you.” Her chest rose and fell powerfully as she heaved out each sentence. Her voice was a broken whisper like she was trying her hardest not to cry.
I pulled back so I could see into her eyes. Those beautiful, blue eyes.
“Don’t say it to me until you are all in,” she said with a slight shake of her head.
My hands cupped her face. I wanted her to see each word as well as hear them.
“I love you, Jessica,” I told her without a single doubt in my mind that this was the time. I meant it with everything in me. Oh yeah, I was all in.
“Silas,” she breathed out my name with a breath so full of hope and relief. It was almost as if she’d been waiting her whole life for someone to say those words to her with meaning.
“You don’t have to say it back, you know…” I said jokingly. If I knew Jessica, this moment could only get so intense before it started to scare her. “It’s totally fine. My ego can handle it.”
She laughed, her head falling back as the beautiful sound filled the room.
“I love you, Silas Newman.”
“Thank God,” I breathed out and was actually pretty serious though it came out playful.
“Now put on that World’s Largest Apple Pie shirt and show me how much you love me.”
I laughed and shook my head at her.
But I snatched up the bag and did it anyway.
Standing there in this nice hotel room in a cheesy as fuck shirt and nothing else while she took every inch of my body in, well, I couldn’t deny that this was one of the best times in my life. I’d remember this moment forever, that was for sure. And when she kissed me, it only made the moment even sweeter.
I could easily lose myself in her.
And I planned to often.
“When was the last time you talked to your family?” she asked later that night.
We were laying in bed, wonderfully naked, of course. She was playing with my fingers and I had a permanent smile on my face as I watched her.
I swallowed hard thinking about the last time I’d called my mom. Yeah, I might have known that I loved Jessica when I’d called her with all those questions. But I’d been shitty and hadn’t talked to her or my sister since then. Things had been a little crazy, so you couldn’t blame me.
“It’s been a while,” I admitted.
“Oh,” she said like she was disappointed. “I heard you on the phone with your mom back at the cabin one night. I wasn’t trying to listen. But I could tell by your tone you were talking to her.”
“Yeah, I called her. I might have been a little out of my mind that night,” I said with a soft chuckle.
“Do you think I could call them sometime?”
“I’m sure they would love that.” I had to stop myself from saying more.
No, I hadn’t forgotten about my nephew’s birthday. I would never forget something like that. And though I hadn’t confirmed with my sister that I’d be there, she had to know that I wouldn’t miss it.
Which was why I’d picked up that stuffed bear yesterday in the gift shop attached to the horrible roadside diner we stopped at. That was right after we’d taken the wonderful tour of the oldest button collection museum. That wasn’t the name but with all the dust that covered everything that was what if felt like. Yeah, neither of us thought that was amazing. But hey, it was something to do.
I bet she thought that bear was for her. That was if she even noticed me buying it. She had kind of been lost looking at all the local, handmade pottery they had there.
“What about you?” I asked. Not only was I trying to change the subject because I was worried I’d blurt out my plan, but I wanted to know about her. I mean, I knew she didn’t have any family that she talked to, but she had to have people that she cared about, right? “Do you have anyone that you keep in touch with?”
To that, she let out a long sigh.
“I think I did this whole thing all wrong,” she said like it was a heavy burden she’d been carrying around for a while.
“What do you mean?” My fingers stroked up and down her arm.
“I have friends from back in Moon Hill. I kind of haven’t talked to them since I left.”
“You mean the members of the Steel Paragons?” I asked and maybe I sounded a little irritated. Just slightly. And it had nothing to do with the fact that I pretty much knew she’d slept with most of them. It had to do with the feeling that I’d had when I was there. The sense that they had her there and couldn’t even seem to tell me her last name. So it led me to wonder just how much they really did care about her.
It might have been shitty of me to get upset but I couldn’t help it. When she talked about her time in the club there was always this little smile on her lips. I couldn’t explain it, but I took it to mean that she’d had a good life there. They did take care of her for many years, gave her a safe place to stay— well, safer place than the streets. That said, it still hurt a part of me that they didn’t seem to value her like I did.
“Yes, them. And there were a few women there,” she answered. “Reagan and Ellie. Even Allison.”
“Tell me about them,” I said. I knew a little but she hadn’t really gone into detail. She hadn’t shared the good moments of her time at the club with me.
So then she opened up, explaining which member each of the women belonged to and how they found their way into the club life. I didn’t know much about the club, but I knew enough to follow along.
It sounded like she had friends there, like the real kind. They didn’t judge her for the choices that she’d had to make in life in order to survive.
“You should reach out,” I said then placed a light kiss on her temple. “When you’re ready.” I could tell there was something that was holding her back.
“Yeah, maybe.”
We were silent for a long time but I didn’t mind. She kept playing with my fingers while mine drew invisible lines up and down her arm. I was happily content and I think she was too.
Eventually, she drifted off and I stayed awake for a long time after that.
I had to make the rest of her life amazing. It was this need that came from deep in my soul. I knew I’d never feel settled if I didn’t.
I could onl
y hope tomorrow would be a happy surprise for her. I had to admit, I was a little nervous.
What if she wasn’t ready?
What if it was too soon?
What if I ended up ruining everything?
-32-
Jessica
Something was up with Silas.
It was almost like he was nervous.
It didn’t sit well with me and in fact, it made me nervous too.
I kept asking him if he was alright but he just looked at me like I was crazy and assured me he was fine. There was something going on but he wasn’t ready to tell me. I had no choice but to let it go. Which wasn’t easy. Come on, whenever something went right in my life it always seemed to get ripped apart. How could I not think the same thing was going to happen with this? I was happy and that wasn’t something I got to be.
“I know this cute little shopping area,” he said as I saw him veer to the right and take the off-ramp. “How about we get some lunch and find some new duds?”
“Duds? Did you just say duds like it was a cool thing?” I asked with a giggle.
“Hey, it is cool. I’m cool.”
“Yeah, okay, grandpa. Yeah, I’m up for it. Maybe we can hit up a gin joint later on and cut a rug to the latest band.”
“You’re making fun of me?” The tone of his question told me that he knew I was.
“Yeah, I am.”
“I’ll remember this,” he said as a playful threat.
“I’m sure you will,” I said as I leaned over the console and placed a light kiss on his cheek.
He wove his way around like he knew where he was going. I wondered how many times he’d been here before. He must have known this city well.
“Come on,” he said after he parked and kissed the back of my hand like he didn’t want to let it go.
Yeah, I needed some new clothes. I didn’t really have anything.
We ate at this cute little sandwich shop that was tucked down an alleyway. The fact that he knew it was there was further proof that he was familiar with this area.
Then he told me it was time to hit a few stores to look for clothing.
So the problem was that I had like no money. I could use my debit card now that all this stuff had gotten cleared up but I hadn’t been working. I had a little saved up but again, I wasn’t working, so I didn’t want to deplete that if I didn’t have to.
Never mind the fact that I had a condo to sell now too. I didn’t want that money, so I wasn’t even going to count it.
But I needed clothes.
Though I was sure Silas wouldn’t mind me going around naked all the time. He pretty much stripped me down the moment he got me behind closed doors. Hey, I wasn’t complaining.
“Jessica?” he asked as his hand landed on my shoulder. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, sorry,” I said with a little shake of my head. “Can I borrow your phone so I can check my balance?”
“No,” he said with a smile as his hand slipped into mine and he pulled me along. “Today is on me. I know it’s quite selfish of me given that I’m going to need to see you try on everything you pick out.” He pulled me closer so he could whisper in my ear. “And that includes any lingerie that might happen to catch your eye.”
He pulled away and winked at me.
“You are horrible,” I said as my hand met his chest with a playful slap.
He stopped, turning to face me as he lost a little bit of the playfulness in his eyes.
“Let me do this for you, please. I don’t want you to worry about a thing today. Okay?”
I was sure there was some hidden meaning in his words. And by the look swirling in his eyes, there was something more going on. He needed this for whatever reason.
So I pushed aside the voice inside that wanted to scream that I couldn’t be bought and gave him a nod.
That was the wrong thing to do.
Because once he had the go-ahead, he didn’t let me say no. Especially if he knew that I’d seen something I’d really liked.
Hours later we were finally back in the car with a trunk full of new shit. Most of which was for me.
Alright, I didn’t really hate it. I’d had a good time and no, it wasn’t because I was shopping without a limit. It was because I was with him, spending time with him like there was not a care in the world. He didn’t rush me and he didn’t even seem a little bit irritated that I kept trying on different things. In fact, he was usually the one pushing me toward the fitting rooms.
I was even wearing one of the new sundresses that Silas had urged me to try on. He might have done that because I was seriously eyeing the thing while wondering if I could pull something like that off.
I could, apparently. It hung to my curves just right without feeling like I was showing off every single one of my assets.
And it felt really good on too.
“Where are we?” I asked him as he pulled up in front of a house that had a bunch of balloons tied to the front porch.
My heart dropped down into my stomach.
I had a good feeling where we were though I definitely didn’t know this house. I’d never seen it before in my life. But there was this feeling in my gut, and it was loudly telling me that I knew where I was.
And I wasn’t sure if I was prepared for this.
Without a word, he slid out of the car. The movement was smooth but also a little too quick. This was the reason he’d seemed nervous to me before. I hadn’t read him wrong.
My door popped open and I just sat there staring at my hands.
In my peripheral, I saw him crouch down beside me.
“Come on,” he whispered softly and then his hand was hanging mid-air, palm up like he was waiting for me to take it. Just waiting. No rush, clearly, because it hung there a good long minute before I even took in a deep breath of courage. “I’ll be right by your side the whole time.”
“But…”
“Nope. No buts today. It’s my nephew’s third birthday and I can’t miss it. Besides, they’ve been waiting forever to see you again.”
My shaky hand reached out and landed on top of his. He gently helped me out and then wrapped his arms around me. We stayed locked in that embrace for a few beats and I could say I wasn’t ready for him to leave me.
I pulled away, wiped under my eyes, and then told him I was ready. He took my hand in his and it was then that I noticed he was carrying a gift bag in the other hand. When had he done that?
“Wait!” I said as my heels dug into the ground. “It’s your nephew’s birthday.”
“Yeah, I know. I just said that.” His head tilted to the side a little like he wasn’t sure what he was missing.
“We can’t go in there. I can’t go in there. It’s his special day, I don’t want to ruin it.”
“Jessica,” he said my name softly. “You won’t. And he’s three, it’s not like he’s going to remember this birthday all that well anyway.”
Well, I certainly couldn’t argue with that.
Silas opened the door without knocking. Something about that one simple thing made me relax even if I still continued to use his body as a shield.
I could hear the commotion of many voices. And the happy little squeals of children rose above them all.
“Who just came in?” a voice asked from somewhere deeper in the house.
The smile spread on my face the instant I heard it. Elaine’s voice still sounded exactly as I remembered it.
“I’ll go check.”
Irenna walked into the front room where we were still standing a second later.
“Silas!” Irenna said excitedly. “Mom, it’s Silas.” There was no need for her to yell it over her shoulder because Elaine was already walking up behind her.
They both moved in as one, for a hug I assumed.
And I also guessed that they hadn’t noticed that I was there hiding behind him like some kind of weirdo.
“Hey, mom. Hey, sis,” Silas said and it was at that moment they both caught on that I
was there. It could have been because Silas suddenly took a half-step to the side putting the spotlight right on me. “I brought you something.”
Elaine’s eyes quickly flooded with tears.
It was like she instantly knew it was me even though many years had gone by since the last time she saw me. I was anything but that little girl she knew but it was like she looked into my soul and had recognized the deeper parts of me.
And then she was pushing her son out of the way to pull me in for a tight hug.
“You’ve come home,” she said in a choked-up voice. It almost sounded like she couldn’t believe it was really me.
“Jessie,” Irenna said and then she joined the hug party.
I was crying. Yep, big fat tears were just sliding right down my face.
“How…” Irenna said as she finally pulled away to look at her brother.
“How doesn’t matter,” their mom quickly said as her hand ran over my hair before she wiped my tears away. “The only thing that matters is that she’s here now.”
Elaine pulled me into another hug. It was tight and warm and motherly. Basically, everything I need and wanted. I melted into her as she whispered into my ear telling me how happy she was to finally have me back where I belonged. She promised to never let anything happen to me ever again. And while I knew that wasn’t something that she could keep no matter how much she wanted to, I let myself believe those words. It was the love behind the promise that warmed me. That made me feel like everything would be alright no matter what.
The hug went on forever and I didn’t try to pull away. It wasn’t until Irenna elbowed Elaine out of the way and making a point to tell her mother not to suffocate me. Then Irenna was throwing her arms around me and hugging me tightly.
“Okay, come on, there are people to meet,” Elaine said as she pulled her daughter away and took my hand.
The three of us might have been wiping at our faces trying to rid the evidence of the tears.
I kind of loved the way that Elaine took control of the situation and made me feel not only as if I belonged here, but also like I was already a part of everything. Like I was supposed to be here.
I locked eyes with Silas as his mom pulled me further into the house. The damn fool was silently chuckling at the whole thing but at least he was coming along with me.