“What are you thinking?”
“Would you ask me to go with you on book tours?”
He smiled. “Sweetheart, anywhere I go, you would be welcome at my side. Don’t think that means you have to. I’m serious. If you’re comfortable here, if you feel safe, then you should be here. I will always come home to you. And, if you think that my being away would be problematic, then I simply won’t go. Tours are only to promote the books, and if I’m honest, I don’t really care much for the travel that comes with them. If I’m going to go somewhere, I want it to be a place I’d like to visit with someone special.”
I scanned his face, trying to see if he was being completely honest. I couldn’t see anything that told me he wasn’t.
“I want to go with you,” I whispered. “I love it here, but….” How could I tell him what was in my heart? He was the writer. I didn’t have the words for it. “I realized that it’s just a place to be. It wasn’t a home until you came along. You gave it warmth—no, you gave me warmth. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t afraid. And having you here? I realized that my collection wasn’t the only thing that gave me inner peace. You did that too.”
His chest puffed up a little. “What are you saying?”
I bit my lip. God, I wished I was better at talking. “I love you. I want to be with you, but I can’t ask you to give up your life like that.”
“Hey, it would be my—”
“No,” I said flatly, dipping my chin. “You might think that it sounds good now, but trust me, I’ve been here more than a decade. It’s beautiful, but I never realized it was lonely too. I’m tired of being alone. Of being afraid.” I snuggled in closer to him, loving the warmth from his body. “Where is the most exciting place you’ve ever been?”
“Right here, right now” came the husky answer. “That’s what you don’t get. There is nowhere in the world I’ve been that is better than where we are right now. I could live here with you happily for the rest of my life. We don’t need to change a thing. Well, maybe the sheets once in a while.”
I knew he was trying to defuse the situation with humor, but I didn’t need that anymore. What I wanted was Charlie. Always Charlie. But was I trading one problem for another? What if he left me? Would I be able to survive it?
“Matt?”
“Yes?” I met his gaze, and he kissed me until I grew light-headed. When he pulled back, I glared at him. “Why did you do that?”
“Because you wanted me to. You’re imagining all the worst-case scenarios. Thinking about every conceivable problem. Am I saying it’s going to be easy? No. I know better. But do I think it will be worth it to try? Absolutely. See, your brother may have nudged me in your direction, but you kept me here. Your smile, your charm, your wit. Everything about you calls to me.”
“Are you sure you’re not just in love with being in love again?”
Charlie chuckled. “When I was with Mitch, I wanted it all—the travel, the semifame that came with being an author, the pretty decent paycheck, and the boy toy at my side. But with you? I want exactly that. You. If I never wrote another book again, I’d have something in my life that made me feel settled and at peace. Let me put it to you this way: the thought of laying outside with you, watching the galaxy stretched before me, and then having a swarm of insects come out and wiggle their butts? I want that. More than I think I’ve ever wanted anything.
“I know I’m not exactly who you thought I was, and I get that you’re angry with me and your brother. Keep in mind, though, without him, I never would have found you. After we left yesterday, he yelled at me a lot, until I told him I was in love with you. That shut him up. At least for a minute. But Clay was angry because he cares. When he found out my true feelings, he stopped and listened. I explained to him what you meant to me. What being here with you did for me. And I told him there is nothing wrong with you. If you’re happy, how can it be wrong? I said maybe it wasn’t you who needed to change, but him and your mother. Then he kicked me to the curb.”
I shook my head. “No. It’s not just them. I need to meet them halfway. I think I’ve always known it, but I was afraid. Being with you, I’m not so scared anymore. That doesn’t mean I’m ever going to be normal—”
“Stop that,” Charlie snapped, flicking a finger against my forehead. “What is normal? Who decides?”
“I miss my mom.”
His grip around me tightened. “She misses you too. Maybe you just need to show her that you’re okay. I think that’s what she worries most about.”
I took a deep, shuddering breath. Every insecurity I had, Charlie had seen. And he still wanted me. If he could do this for me, what could I do for him?
“I want to go back to therapy,” I said, my voice surprisingly solid.
“Are you sure?”
I nodded, rubbing my chin over his chest. “I don’t know what good it’s going to do me, but I want to try. To see my mom again. My brother. To go places and do things with you? Yeah, I’m sure. And, if you still want to, I’d like to have you here with me. This could be your home too.”
Charlie sighed. “I want to. More than you could ever know.” He twirled a finger in my hair. “I told you, this place felt like coming home for me. I wasn’t kidding. I’ve never in my life felt more comfortable anywhere. Never had it bother me that I left it. But yesterday, when you told me to go? I couldn’t walk away. I had to come back, because I gave you my heart. You’re the only one who was ever meant to have it.”
Fuck. How could I say no to this soppy, romantic man? And why the hell would I ever think I wanted to?
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
THE STORM was every bit as bad as they’d said. We got almost two feet of snow that was blown into huge drifts. It was okay, though. The light powder gave me the perfect opportunity to introduce Charlie to one of my favorite things. I went outside, armed with the down comforters I had in storage. I placed them on the swing, then shoveled away what snow had accumulated on the porch to make room. Afterward, I went back in, took Charlie by the arm, led him out to the swing, sat down with him, and covered us up.
“Shit,” he whispered, looking at the tens of thousands of refractions of sunlight sparkling off the fresh snow. “I’ll admit, I’m not sure I’ve ever seen something so beautiful.” He turned to me. “Well, except you.”
I nudged him gently with my elbow. “Stop that.”
“Never going to happen,” he promised. “I’m going to make sure that every day of your life, you know exactly how important you are to me. I was stupid for not telling you about Clay, but to be honest, once I met you, it didn’t really come into my head again. All that was there was you.”
Little feathers tickled my stomach.
He waved a hand toward the horizon. “Your land is amazing. It’s so much like you. There are things you can see with your eyes, but the important stuff isn’t on the surface. You need to look deeper, see beneath it all. Dig up the things that lie hidden underneath.”
“My mother always says, ‘butter wouldn’t melt in your mouth.’ She must have been talking about you.”
“Aw, that’s sweet. I think.” He cocked his head and narrowed his eyes. “Wait. Is that a compliment or an insult?”
I laughed, and it felt good. The tension that had bound my chest eased slightly.
“We’re going to have to talk to your brother,” Charlie said. “I don’t want him coming out here again and upsetting you.”
Resisting the urge to squint at him, I said, “Him? You both pissed me off. I can’t believe he set this whole thing up.”
Charlie gave a one-shoulder shrug. “He gave me a little push in this direction. Believe me, if you hadn’t intrigued me so much, I wouldn’t have kept coming back.” He reached his hand out and cupped my cheek. “And you so very much intrigue me.”
I found myself pressing into his touch. His hand warmed my cheek, even in the bitter cold. He rubbed my cheek for a bit, then leaned against the swing.
“Do you want
to go back in?” I asked.
“Not unless you want to. I want to sit here and soak in the peace and tranquility. If someone had told me something like this would call to me, I’d have said they were crazy. But it does. I want to see the seasons as they change. To watch as the snow melts away and the blooms of spring burst up from the ground. I remember seeing your flowers when I would run by. Their gentle scent filled the air, and after a while, I noticed I went slower as I passed.
“After a few weeks, I desperately wanted to meet you. This tract of land showed that someone loved it, gave it form and beauty. When I saw you hiding in there, watching me, I felt some strange connection to you. I thought about coming to your door and knocking, but remembered that you had to come to me. And the day you did? After I got out of sight, I pumped my fist, I was so damn happy.”
When I coughed and looked away, he tapped me on the leg.
“What are you thinking?”
No way did I want to do this. “I only came out to talk to you because Clay blackmailed me. He said if I didn’t, he would see about getting me consigned to a hospital.”
Instead of being angry, Charlie laughed. “I’m grateful for it, then. He knew you needed a push, and he did it in a way that still gave you the power.”
“He pissed me off,” I snapped.
“But it got you to talk to me. And believe me, it was worth it.” He nestled closer and put his head on my shoulder.
I took in a deep breath and found myself at peace. “I love you.”
He moved slightly and kissed my neck, which caused goose bumps to pebble on my skin. “Love you too,” he murmured.
WE DID get a second weather wallop a few days later. Another storm from Canada pushed toward us, dropping six more inches of snow. The thing of it was, neither of us minded being in the house. Charlie sat at his computer, typing away, while I did my chores, and after I was done, I read another one of his books. Every so often, I would peer up and see him thoughtfully biting the end of the pen he’d use to jot down notes, his computer receiving his full concentration.
Or so I thought.
“You know, it’s not fair,” he said.
“What’s that?”
“You’re sitting there licking your lips while you look at me, and I can’t take you to bed.”
Take me to bed? My breath must have hitched, because Charlie gave me a soft smile.
“Sorry. I don’t want to push it. But, so you know, I do dream about it. You under me, over me, in me. I want you in every way imaginable, Matt. But I’m patient, and when you’re ready and comfortable, we’ll take it slow.”
In him? “You mean you want…?”
He gave me the sweetest smile as he shook his head. “Why does that surprise you so much? My ex swore he didn’t bottom. Me? Love it. Also love topping. And siding. And sucking. Oh, and swallowing. I bet you taste delicious.”
My head spun and my face burned. When I dreamed of it, I always thought that Charlie would be the one who was doing… that. I never expected he’d want me to. I swallowed hard. Fuck, now that I had the thought in my head, my cock leaped up with interest.
“What are you doing?” I asked, trying to change the subject.
“Smooth,” Charlie teased. He turned back to his computer. “I’m working on book seven. It’s going to be titled Comes a Foul Wind. It deals with Lucien finding a decayed corpse while he’s out walking the dogs. He goes to Donald, who rushes down to the lake, only to find no evidence there was ever a body there in the first place.”
“Can I read it?” I practically begged, not giving a damn that I had no shame.
Charlie shook his head. “Sorry. It’s in my contract that my publisher and editor have to see all copy first. If I show it to you, I’d be in trouble.”
It made sense, and I sure didn’t want him to risk his job for me. Even though I really wanted to read it, like, now.
“The good news? I’m almost done with it. It’s taken me over a year, during which time my publisher has been hounding me for the book. I’m figuring another week and it’ll be ready to go to them. Hopefully it’ll be out by Christmas next year.”
“But that’s so far away,” I complained. “Can you at least tell me what happens?”
He got up and hobbled over to where I sat, took a seat next to me, and leaned in close. His warm breath on my ear caused me to shudder. “Nope,” he whispered.
I drew back, squinted at him, and barked out, “You’re mean!”
He nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah, I know.”
“Come on,” I whined, reaching out to take his hand. “Just a hint.”
If pressed, I would admit I had rarely ever been so excited before. Charlie built a world that I would love to live in—well, okay, maybe with a few less deaths—and knowing that I had him here, in my house, and teasing me? I wanted to scream. In a good way, of course. Plus, I’d made it through all six books and had started to read them over again.
“Let’s just say that this book is going to come as a huge surprise to a lot of people.”
“I hate you,” I grumbled.
He leaned over and whispered in my ear, “That’s okay. You’ll get over it.” Charlie laughed at me when he found me glaring. He put a hand on my cheek, stroking it slowly. “You’re simply adorable, do you know that?”
That caused me to narrow my gaze. “Yes, because everyone wants to be adorable.”
I tried to pull back, but Charlie put his hand on my chin. “Hey, there is nothing wrong with being adorable.” He kissed my forehead—“Or sweet.”—my nose—“Or beautiful.”—my lips.
Damn. My cock rose to full erection once more. Charlie’s scent, clean and masculine, wrapped around me. He leaned as close as he could and put his lips to my neck, and goose bumps rose on my arms.
“Tell me this is okay, Matt,” he whispered. “I won’t do anything if you say it’s not.”
My throat closed up. He wouldn’t push me, had no desire to make me feel uncomfortable. What he’d said before was true. He wanted me to be happy.
“Yes,” I murmured. “Please.”
I could hear the smile in his voice when he said, “I like it when you say please. Take off your shirt for me.”
I stood up and stripped off my flannel shirt, and Charlie’s breathing grew husky.
“T-shirt too, please.”
“But it’s cold,” I whined.
“T-shirt too, please,” he repeated.
My skin pebbled after I stripped the shirt off. Charlie patted the couch, and I sat next to him. He trailed his hand slowly down my chest, circling my nipples, which were so hard they throbbed. Every nerve ending stood on end, in hopes that he’d somehow touch it next. He slid his fingertips over my stomach, which tensed slightly. He stopped immediately, not moving until I relaxed. Then he continued his exploration. When he brushed his hand against my groin, I moaned and reflexively thrust up to meet it.
“Has anyone ever touched you?” he asked, his voice full of determination.
“Me. Lots of times. Well, at least when I was a horny teenager.”
“Oh, Matt,” he purred. “There are so many things I want to explore with you. So many firsts I want to be a part of.”
“Like what?” I groaned, needing to hear his voice.
“I want to suck you until you come in my mouth. I want you to take me to bed and fuck me slow, hard, deep, shallow—any way you want. If you’ll allow it, I want to do the same for you. I can only imagine how you’d feel around my cock.”
One of us moaned. Maybe both. I could imagine all those things, and more. All those dreams I had when I was a kid—the sex in the shower, in the lockers, hell, even in an alley behind the school—scattered like leaves in a wind and were replaced by Charlie, who would now star in every fantasy I’d ever have.
He fumbled with the button on my pants. It wasn’t easy with only one hand, but he was determined. I reached down to help, but he pushed me away.
“No, don’t. I want to do this for yo
u. Just sit back and enjoy, okay? Do that for me?”
A quick nod, and I leaned back. He touched me reverently. After he got my button undone, he unzipped my pants and pulled my cock out through the underwear fly. It wasn’t warm in the cabin, despite the fire, and a chilly breeze wafted over my heated flesh. But all that went away when he wrapped his fingers around the shaft. I whimpered at the touch.
“Don’t hold back, Matt. Come for me. I want to see you when it happens. There’ll be plenty more in the future, if you’d like.”
He stroked his hand up and down a few times, his touch featherlight, and I cried out his name as my head snapped back, my balls drew against my body, and several strong jets of warm come burst forth, splattering my abdomen and chest.
Charlie trailed his fingers through the mess, licked his index finger, smiled, and then said, “Wow. I was right. You do taste good.”
I opened my eyes and he smiled.
“Thank you, Matt.”
Still breathing hard, I asked, “For what?”
“Trusting me. Letting me touch you. Being mine.”
The words were said with such sincerity, and it made me feel wanted like never before.
“Why don’t you go ahead and take a shower? I’m sure you would rather not have that getting sticky in the hairs. Trust me, it’s a bitch to get out.”
“But what about you?” I asked, not really sure if I’d be able to go through with it.
“I’m fine,” he promised. “This was for you. Go ahead and shower.”
Slowly I stood, keeping my gaze locked on him. The smile on his face never wavered. I took a few hesitant steps, then stopped and turned around.
“No,” I said, trying to inject as much authority into my voice as possible.
“No?” Charlie repeated.
“No,” I said again. “You said this was for me, and I can’t thank you enough, but… I want to do it to you too. Every time I helped you in the shower, I wondered what it would be like, and now that I’m so close, I’m not going to back away. Please, Charlie, I want—no, I need—to do this.”
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