Don't Let Me Fall

by Briana Pacheco

  “I can drive you anywhere,” he said.

  I opened my eyes and looked at him.

  “Please don’t feel pressured into watching me,” I said. “You really don’t have to. I just need to get out of here.”

  “Rebeckah, I don’t have to. I want to.”

  “You just feel sorry for me. I’m sorry to disappoint but that’s all I’m good at.”

  “Hey.” He caressed my cheek as he stared into my eyes like he was trying to get into my soul. “If you’re talking about last night then don’t worry about it. Shit happens.”

  “You know I’m fucked up. Any sane person sees it.”

  “You’re not fucked up.” I raised an eyebrow. What else would someone call it then? High on life? Fucking shitting rainbows? I don’t fucking know, I’m making shit up to see if anything works. “Okay, you’re a little bit fucked up.” That’s it. “But so is everyone else.”

  “Normal people don’t think of ways to off themselves as many times as I do,” I said. Shit. That wasn’t supposed to be said out loud. I found Logan staring at me again.

  “Can you tell me what happened last night?” he asked. It wasn’t in a what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-you kind of way. It was in a I-really-want-to-know-because-I-was-fucking-worried-shitless way. And that really got to me.

  “The truth?” I asked. This guy knows more about me than anyone here at this school. He knows the main shit going on with me. He knows I want to commit suicide. On a regular basis.

  “Yeah.” His eyes took in my face and I wanted to disappear.

  “You won’t talk to me afterwards,” I said softly. “I’ll just be another notch on your headboard.” That’s exactly what I am to other guys. To Keller–Kevin. But I didn’t know his name. I wouldn’t care if he didn’t talk to me afterwards. I know Logan. I see him every day. And having sex would change things. It’ll be awkward. “And I know your name.”

  “I really don’t understand that,” he said, brows furrowing.

  “I know too much about you for it to be a one time thing.” Well, I don’t know that much but I know more than I do about my other hook-ups.

  Logan propped himself up on his elbow. “Then it doesn’t have to be a one time thing.”

  Ohmygod.

  “No,” I said. “We are not going there. I am–”

  “I’ve been all in since the first day I met you. Even when you kneed me in the balls. Why can’t we give it a shot?” he asked, dead serious. I thought he hated me… I was fooled!

  “Logan,” I deadpanned. “I’m fucking suicidal.”

  We stared at each other for awhile. I can’t believe I said that out loud. And to someone other than my own family.

  “Not to sound like a prick or anything but I think I can help you with that,” he said. “Look at yesterday.” True. And this morning. I didn’t lash out or do anything. I think he’s good for me. He’s helping me. But what if I take more than he gives? I’ll ruin his life. He’ll hate me.

  “You really want to do this?” I asked. “Don’t do it because you want to save me. Do it because you want to.”

  Logan smiled and it reached his eyes. Those are always the truest smiles. You can’t fake those. “I want to do this.”

  “You know I’m crazy,” I said, staring at the bed.

  “Just a little bit,” he said leaning into me.

  I buried my face into his chest and said, “Morning breath.”

  “Oh, fuck me. I don’t care,” he said tilting my chin up and pressing his lips against mine.

  “Did you just say fuck me?” I asked pulling back. “Because we may just be starting this thing out but we do have something pending from last night.”

  We’re rushing into things. Sometimes waiting isn’t worth it. Especially if one of the two parties doesn’t see a future for herself. Time is the enemy. I have to make it my friend.

  “We don’t have to do this right now,” Logan said. “I don’t want you running out again.”

  I pushed him on his back and straddled his lap.

  “You won’t ignore me?” I asked. Because I might freak. I might run. I’m fucking psycho! I won’t blame him if he has sex with me then leaves me out to dry.

  “Rebeckah, who the fuck can ignore you?” he asked. “You are constantly on my mind and I have to use my sister just to be near you. For some reason, you hate me.”

  I ended up falling on his chest as we laughed.

  We’re so strange.

  When I calmed down, I unbuttoned his jeans slowly. I really hope this works. I have to see if I can do this. If I can’t then there’s no point in going farther with him. I’ll just be stringing him along and it’s not fair.

  I left him in his boxers as I stripped my clothes off. I need to go slow. If I go too fast, my mind might play tricks on me again and it won’t end well.

  Six o’clock came around and we didn’t get out of bed.

  Seven…same.

  I didn’t want to move. And Logan didn’t want to leave.

  We didn’t have non-stop sex if that’s what you’re wondering. We had sex though. Fucking slow, rough mind-blowing sex and when it was over, we just laid in bed smiling like fools.

  “Okay…my girlfriend is coming over in twenty so you need to leave,” Logan said sitting up after reading something on his phone.

  My smiled vanished and everything I just thought about went crashing and burning. I was about to flip when Logan cracked a smile and pulled me back under the blankets.

  “I’m sorry. I just had to,” he said nuzzling his way to my neck and nipping skin. “That was Aimee and she wants to know why you’re not in class.”

  “Why did she ask you?” I asked. They share everything but I made him promise not to tell her the shit we do or will do. That’s just fucking weird. And besides…girls tell girls things. Well, I don’t think I can tell Aimee about having sex with her brother but if it comes out, it’ll be from me. Logan can talk to someone else. Preferably a guy.

  “Because I told her you didn’t leave,” Darren’s voice rang out. I screamed like a bitch as I stuck my head out from under the covers and glanced toward the bathroom.

  “Darren, get the fuck out!” Logan said throwing a pillow at him. “And fucking knock!”

  “You stole my nurse. Expect me to make you pay,” Darren said walking back into the bathroom, whistling. “Oh, and I saw nipple, Rebeckah.”

  I looked down and covered myself up even more. God, I thought people in college had privacy. Apparently the people who don’t have Darren as a roommate do.

  “I have to go to class. I skipped yesterday,” I said sitting up.

  “Why did you?”

  “My sister was starting her first day of high school. I didn’t want to miss it.”

  “It’s October,” Logan said furrowing his brows.

  I almost started to panic. I don’t like to tell people my life story or my family’s life story. I’m a private person. I like it that way. But Jacky did tell me to talk to someone. She was talking about the most important thing but I have to start out small, right?

  “Um…Kelsey has leukemia so she had to miss the first month,” I said, looking at anything other than Logan. “Treatment.” Dammit, am I going to cry? What the hell is wrong with me? I usually don’t cry this much anymore.

  “Oh…I’m sorry,” Logan said sitting up. “Is she…”

  “It’s curable,” I said grabbing my clothes off the floor. “We’re just hoping it doesn’t come back after.” First it needs to get the fuck out of her. I want my sister healthy and strong. I want my sister to live.

  “Damn. How old is she?”

  “Fourteen.”

  Logan turned me around so we were facing each other. I felt his fingers touch my face and as much as I wanted to pull away and stop feeling, I couldn’t. I have to stop doing that. I leaned into him and closed my eyes.

  I have to be strong.

  I have to want to live.

  Look at Kelsey. She is fighting for
her life and I’m not giving a shit about mine. I’m the worst sister ever. Stop trying to kill yourself. I thought.

  I really wish it were that simple. But I’ll try.

  I pulled away from Logan and got dressed. I texted Jacky and asked if she could bring me some clothes. She didn’t head out to work yet so she said it was fine.

  Logan is still hovering over me to make sure I don’t make a break for it while he takes a shower so he keeps talking to me. If I take more than five seconds to answer, he pops his head out of the shower curtain and I always laugh.

  I know he’s just looking out for me but at the same time, I feel like I’m dragging him into my shit storm of a life. No one deserves that.

  “For a man, you take a long fucking shower.”

  “That’s because I like to smell good.”

  He tastes good too. I can stare and lick him all day and I’ll be happy. I won’t have any thoughts…well except for what we can do when clothes come off.

  “I have to go downstairs,” I sighed. “You’re taking too long.” He popped his head out from behind the curtain again but I pushed him back in and told him to hurry up. I grabbed my things and headed out.

  Jacky will be here any minute and I don’t want to keep her waiting. I headed outside, waiting on a concrete block surrounding the building. I like how I can hide behind my sweater. It’s cold out so I don’t look like an idiot. Not like I care though. People just walk by. They don’t stare. They don’t know.

  A warm body slid onto the concrete block I’m on and got my attention. He smells fucking yummy. I looked to my right and bit my lip to stop myself from smiling. He got down here pretty quickly. I guess not knowing if I threw myself down the stairs was bothering him.

  “Surprised to see I’m still alive?” I asked softly.

  Logan didn’t comment on that. Instead, he slipped his fingers through mine and kept my hand warm.

  “You’re going to miss class,” I said staring at our hands. It’s weird. I wanted to punch this guy and basically kill him but now I’m holding his hand and having sex with him. I’m still confused on how that happened.

  “I don’t think you understand that I’m a stalker,” Logan said. “My job is to keep an eye on you at all times. Even if that means being late for class.” I would have believed that was true if he didn’t break into a smile.

  A car pulled up and I saw Jacky getting out of the car with a purse stuffed with clothes. Jesus, am I going away for a month? This chick always goes overboard. “You have to come home tonight,” she said walking over to me. “Kelsey has news.” Her eyes flicked to Logan and she stopped. “Logan,” she said, her eyes dropping to our hands.

  My brows furrowed as I glanced at Logan then Jacky.

  “You know him?” I asked. There was a long pause as Jacky glanced between us. “Jacky?”

  “Hm, right. Matty told me about him. Blue eyes. Tall. Looks like that,” she said waving her hand around Logan’s body.

  I nodded. That makes sense. Seeing as how Jacky never met Logan, I wouldn’t have understood how she knew him.

  Damn.

  Then it dawned on me. Logan is right here. Holding my hand. In front of Jacky.

  “Uh…this is my sister Jacqueline,” I said, awkwardly. “Jacky, Logan.” They said hi and Jacky stood there, staring at him like she wanted to attack him. Not sexually but physically. “So…” I said. “Thanks for the clothes.”

  Jacky took her eyes off Logan and glanced at me.

  “Yeah. No problem,” she said pulling me into a hug. “Come home before work.”

  “Is everything okay?” I asked.

  “Yeah. You know how Kels gets.”

  I don’t know what it is but something is off about her. I think it’s her voice or the way she’s hugging me but I can’t place it.

  “Okay,” I said pulling away from her.

  She walked over to her car and gave me a weird smile.

  When she drove away, I dug around in the purse and saw what clothes she brought me. “Alright, I have to go,” I said looking up at Logan. I stopped moving when I saw the look on his face. He looks like he saw a ghost. “Something wrong?”

  “Hm…no,” Logan said standing up. “Cold. That’s it.”

  “You sure?”

  “Yeah.”

  I looked around for some random girl that he might have seen but there wasn’t anyone. Okay…

  We headed to our classes and when my first one was over, I headed to the bathroom and changed into clean clothes. Aimee was all smiles and I-told-you-so was written all over her face. She got what she wanted.

  I slept with her brother.

  - 8 -

  It took four hours thirty-nine minutes and sixteen seconds for my world to crash and burn again. I’m in my writing class and staring at my bright laptop screen made me think about things.

  I am so screwed up in the head that the moment my eyes landed on Logan and we talked last night, my mind decided that I won’t kill myself. You’d think that’s okay because I’m not thinking of jumping off buildings or throwing myself off the train tracks. But it’s fucked up. Because I’m fucked up.

  My mind is using him.

  He is the first person that isn’t a Lennox that knows about my problem. And we had sex.

  See the problem?

  I’m not thinking of killing myself because of a guy.

  God, I am so fucked.

  I can’t do that to him. Or anyone. No one should have to be used as my crutch so I can live. I should want to live.

  I opened up a new word document and stared at the blinking cursor. What do you want to do, Rebeckah? I thought. My fingers ran over the keys and when I looked up at the screen, my body deflated.

  I want to

  I can’t even answer that fucking question.

  I wish life was easy. I wish my life was easy.

  I packed my things away and slipped out of class. I can’t do this right now. I need to see my family. I’ll catch up on what I need to do later. First, I need to head home and see everyone. Second, I need to eat a fucking sandwich or something that I’m used to and third, I have to stop feeling like shit and man up. I have to move past these nightmares. They are killing me. Not as fast as I want but they’re killing me.

  I walked toward the train station and zoned out until I got home. No one was there so I took a shower and made some food. Matty and Kelsey don’t leave school for another hour and Dad’s at work so I’m lonely. I would call Jacky or Remy but they have work too. Or they’re home going at it like rabbits.

  I decided to crash on the couch until someone shows up. I just got comfortable as the doorbell rang.

  “Are you fucking kidding me?” I mumbled.

  I got up and walked over to the door.

  You can say my mouth met the floor when I saw my mom standing outside. She looked past me and frowned.

  “Is your dad home?” she asked.

  Nice to see you too.

  “No,” I said. “Work…just like every day.” She should know. She did live here for a long time. Mom’s eyes shot to mine and she scowled at me. Wow.

  “Kelsey?” she asked.

  “School.”

  Her blue eyes landed on my arms and I saw her cringe. I know the sight of me is repulsive. She told Jacky that last year over the phone. I was standing right there when she said it. Jacky’s eyes were the widest I’ve ever seen then she took Mom off speaker and walked into another room. It didn’t matter though. I heard it.

  “I’ll come back later,” Mom said turning around and walking down the pathway toward her car.

  The young girl in me wanted to call out to her and ask if she wanted to do anything but those days are gone. Vanished. Never going to happen. She hates me.

  “Diana,” I called out. “Next time call.”

  I closed the door and headed back to the couch where I watched reruns of some stupid MTV show. Seriously, reality TV sucks now. What happened to MTV having good shows? And why does everyone h
ave huge fake breasts and an annoying voice?

  The front door opened and the noise of two younger siblings plus an annoying friend filled up the silence. Kelsey spotted me first.

  “Keep Finn outside,” she said smiling wide. “Why didn’t you come home last night? I didn’t get to tell you about my first day.” She pulled me into a tight hug. I tensed when I felt how thin she is.

  She’ll get better.

  She’ll get better.

  “Holy shit, baby girl,” Finn said eyeing me. “Did you want to give me a heart attack? Sleepover with Aimee, my ass. She was with some guy all night.”

  I raised an eyebrow at him. “How do you know?”

  “Twitter,” Matty said shaking his head. “These two stalked her to know what you were up to. I’m guessing the only time you saw her was during the party at Logan’s.”

  Kill. Me. Now.

  No, not now. Not in front of my family.

  “Details,” Kelsey said hopping onto the couch.

  So I told her. Everything minus the sex of course.

  She told me about school and how she talked to Micha recently. Her big news is that he’s going to get a transplant in a few days. I really don’t want to think about it because that means someone has to die and I only want to think about my death. Not some stranger’s.

  “Birdie!” Dad said walking into the house. “Nice to see you’re alive.” I saw him regret saying that as soon as the words left his mouth. He doesn’t know about last night. He’s talking about when he found me in the bathroom. “So, let’s eat before you have to go to work.”

  All of us walked into the kitchen and helped him cook something fast. Jacky and Remy showed up five minutes later. And now that Jacky and I are both here with Finn, he let the flirting out. Apparently Gabriella doesn’t mind the constant flirting because 1) Finn will never get with us and 2) She will cut off his penis if he even tries to touch us. She’s a smart girl.

  Dad, Matty and Remy were sharing weird looks the whole time we were eating and since no one else noticed it, I spoke up.

  “What’s wrong with you three?” I asked.

  “Nothing!” they all said at the same time.

  Everyone stopped eating and stared at each other.