The Truth About Love

by Nerys Leigh

  “I finally couldn’t hold it in any longer, so I told Him everything. I knew He already knew, but I felt like I needed to get it all out there. And I begged for His forgiveness.”

  She lifted her head to look at him. “And?”

  A smile warmed his glistening eyes. “And He said to me, ‘What took you so long? I’ve been waiting to forgive you from the moment you sinned.’”

  For a moment, she couldn’t speak. Her heart felt like it had expanded to fill her entire chest. “Do you think... do you think He’s waiting to forgive me?”

  “I know He is.”

  There was such conviction in his voice that she almost believed it.

  She lowered her eyes to her lap, tightening her hands around each other. Could it be true? Could an all-powerful God really want to forgive her when she’d done so much wrong? Maybe if Zach knew, he’d realise she was beyond forgiveness.

  “My father walked out on my mother and me when I was eleven. My mother never spoke about it much, except to curse him and the woman he’d left us for. She started drinking not long after, and after that the men started coming.”

  She told him how she’d had to look after herself while her mother drank away the little money they had. About the string of men she brought into the house when they paid the rent or put food on the table, without caring how they looked at her daughter.

  Zach’s breath hitched. “They didn’t...?”

  “No. I got very good at hiding. But when I was fourteen, one of them almost...” She stopped, not wanting to relive the terror of that night. “I told my mother the next morning and she said I should have let him, that it was time I learned what being a woman in a world like ours meant. I left home that day and never looked back.”

  She told him how she’d turned to cheating and theft to support herself, eventually graduating to more intricate fraud to manipulate her way into the lives of the rich when she got older. She confessed how she’d enjoyed the excitement of the game, appalled at herself even as she spoke. She barely recognised the person she’d been only a few short weeks ago. How could she have changed so much?

  “I could use the excuse that it was the only way I could survive, but the truth is, I liked doing it. After so many years of feeling like I had no control, it was thrilling, being able to manipulate people like that. Until it wasn’t anymore.” Until she’d been manipulated by Clive, and found out what it was like to be on the receiving end. “Why would God want to forgive all that? I’ve done such terrible things.”

  Taking hold of her hands, Zach wrapped them in his own and gazed into her eyes. “God loves you, Jo. He loves you so much that He sent His Son to die for you. Jesus was nailed to the cross in our place to suffer for what we’ve done wrong, just so we can be forgiven. The chance for forgiveness cost Him everything. That is how much God loves you and wants to forgive you. He wants nothing more than to take away your guilt and be your Father. He’s just waiting for you to ask.”

  She wanted him to be right. She’d had no idea until that moment how badly she wanted it. “Is it really true?”

  He nodded.

  Part of her fought the idea, told her it was all a fairytale, that no God would be interested in her and the whole thing was ridiculous. But another part of her heard the soft Voice inside her, pushing through her doubt and reaching out a hand to her in love.

  Taking a deep breath, she reached back. “What do I do?”

  He closed his eyes and breathed out, as if he’d won a battle. Then he smiled. “Pray. Tell Him you’re sorry and ask Him to forgive you and come into your life.”

  “That’s all?” It didn’t seem much for something that seemed to her to be so big.

  “That’s all. Jesus has done the rest.”

  She swallowed and nodded. “All right.” Closing her eyes, she bowed her head and hesitantly began to speak. “Dear God, I know You heard all that, and that You also know everything else, all I didn’t say. I’m sorry...” She stopped when her voice broke and Zach squeezed her hands in encouragement. “I’m sorry for every wrong thing I’ve done. I know there’s a lot, but that You can take it all. Thank You for dying for me, Jesus. Please forgive me and come into my life, and help me to be a better person from now on. Amen.”

  As soon as she was finished, Zach began to pray. “Father, I thank You with all my heart for drawing Jo to You. Thank You that You’ve forgiven her and she’s now Your daughter. Holy Spirit, please fill her and enable her to grow in You. And please give her Your peace and happiness. Thank You, Father. In the name of the Lord Jesus, Amen.”

  She opened her eyes to find him watching her.

  “You okay?”

  “I... I’m not sure.” The truth was, she hadn’t expected to feel any different, and yet she did. Something had happened. “I feel kind of... lighter.”

  He smiled. “We don’t realise how heavy sin is until it’s gone.”

  She shook her head slowly. “It feels weird.”

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  To her amazement, she did. “Yes, but not to you, not right now. I want to pray. I honestly want to talk to God.” She couldn’t have been more shocked.

  He laughed and lifted her hands to press a kiss to her fingers. “Then that’s what you should do. Would you like me to walk you back to the hotel?”

  “I think I’d like to be alone,” she replied after a moment’s thought. “Can we still go on that picnic for lunch?”

  “Wouldn’t miss it.” He stood, pulling her up with him. “I’ll finish up my bath.”

  With his rumpled, slightly damp shirt and his half dry hair curling around his face, she was sure she’d never seen him look more handsome.

  She walked to the door and took hold of the handle.

  “Jo?”

  When she turned to look up at him, his eyes held hers, and for a few moments she was sure he was going to say something else. But then he simply leaned down to kiss her forehead.

  “I’ll be there to fetch you at one.”

  Overwhelmed by a rush of affection so strong she felt almost dizzy, she wound her arms around his waist and rested her head against his chest. “Thank you. For everything.”

  He held her until she stepped back, reached up to press a soft kiss onto his lips, then left. Before she did something she’d regret.

  Like confess she was pregnant and beg him to let her stay.

  ~ ~ ~

  Zach watched Jo walk away until she was out of sight then closed the door and, leaning back against it, slid to the floor.

  He ran his hands over his hair and blew out a long breath. “Thank You, Lord. I wasn’t sure for a moment there it was going to happen.”

  A battle had been won in his home today, a battle for Jo’s soul. As he’d watched her struggle with what he’d told her about God’s love, he could almost feel it raging around them. The seeds of the gospel sown, the evil one trying to snatch them away. He’d been praying non-stop the whole time.

  Smiling, he recalled the look on her face when she finally stopped doubting and made the decision. Peace. She finally had peace.

  He felt a little lightheaded with the joy and relief swirling inside him. The salvation of her eternal soul was the most important thing to him, and that God could now begin the healing process for her, for everything she’d been through. No wonder she was so reluctant to rely on him, with the way she’d been treated. It was nothing less than a miracle she trusted him as much as she did.

  For the hundredth time, he wondered about the father of her baby. As much as she trusted Zach, she still didn’t feel able to open up to him about that. Had she loved this man? The thought that she might still love him was desperately painful but preferable to the alternative, that he’d forced himself on her. That idea made Zach feel physically sick, and so angry it scared him.

  What would he do if he came face to face with a man who had hurt her? What would he do if he came face to face with Dunbar again, the man he knew had tried?

  He sh
ook his head and pushed to his feet. This wasn’t the time to be thinking about such things. This was a time for celebration.

  He was a step closer to making Jo his wife. Just one more thing remained before he could declare his love and ask her to marry him.

  She needed to trust him enough to tell him about her baby.

  Chapter 33

  The weekly dinner for the five of them who’d arrived together on the train was being hosted by Sara at her house that Sunday.

  Daniel and Will, her husband and brother-in-law, brought them to the farm following church then left to spend the afternoon with their parents. Jesse would be coming to fetch Jo, Amy, Lizzy and Louisa later.

  Will helped Jo from the wagon, smiling at her as she stepped to the ground. Funny how she’d thought him handsome when she’d first seen him. Not that he wasn’t. The Raine brothers were both exceedingly attractive, by anyone’s standards. But that was before she’d really got to know Zach. Any draw she might have felt towards Will, or any other man, was well and truly gone.

  Sara enjoyed a lingering kiss from her husband before they drove off, leaving her practically glowing. Jo couldn’t help wondering if that was how she looked when Zach kissed her. It was certainly how she felt.

  “You two are enough to make anyone feel queasy,” she said as they entered Sara’s small, cosy kitchen.

  Sara laughed. “Do I hear a hint of jealousy?”

  “Jo doesn’t need to be jealous,” Amy said, going to a cupboard and taking out a mixing bowl.

  Louisa pulled open a drawer and handed a wooden spoon to Amy. “Oh, that’s right. She has her own red-haired knight in shining armour.”

  Lizzy emerged from the pantry, her arms full of cooking ingredients. “What? Does Jo have a suitor? Why do I not know about this?”

  “I’m right here,” Jo said.

  Lizzy ignored her. “Why wasn’t I told about this? Who is it? Wait, red-haired.” Her eyes widened. “Zach! Is it Zach?”

  “Oh, it’s Zach,” Amy said. “It is so very much Zach.”

  Jo heaved an exaggerated sigh, although it was hardly a surprise that they knew. Zach had, after all, had their husbands going into the saloon three days in a row to look out for her, until she’d persuaded him to let them stop.

  Sara pushed the range’s fire box closed. “I think they make an adorable couple.”

  “We’re not a couple,” Jo protested.

  All four of her friends looked at her, scepticism on their faces.

  She waved them away. “It’s complicated.”

  “What’s complicated about it?” Louisa said. “Don’t you like him?”

  There was no point in lying. Not even she was that good. “Yes, I like him.” She stared at nothing, the same smile she always had when thinking about Zach creeping onto her face. “I’ve never met a man like him. He’s done so much for me and he never expects anything in return. And he’s so funny. And smart, and strong, and caring. And my goodness, he can kiss like...”

  She stopped, suddenly realising how she sounded. She hadn’t meant to get so carried away.

  “Oh!” Lizzy gasped, clasping her hands together at her breast. “You’re in love!”

  Jo’s mouth went dry. “I’m not! All I said was he’s nice.”

  “First of all,” Sara said, “you said a lot more than that. But it isn’t what you said, it’s the way you said it.”

  They all nodded.

  Jo rolled her eyes. “The four of you just think that because you all are in love, everyone else must be.”

  “That’s so adorable, she doesn’t know,” Lizzy said, giggling.

  “I am not in love with Zach!” She wasn’t. She couldn’t be.

  “It doesn’t have to be complicated,” Louisa said, placing a stack of plates onto the table. “Believe me, I know. I wasted two weeks thinking it was complicated, but it turned out it really wasn’t. All that mattered was I was in love and we were meant to be together.”

  Jo looked out the window. “Zach and I aren’t meant to be together. Love has nothing to do with it.”

  Sara walked over to her and placed an arm around her shoulders. “How do you know you aren’t meant to be together?”

  “We just aren’t.” Maybe it was the finality of her statement, but those three simple words filled her with such hopelessness that she could suddenly barely breathe.

  Without a word, Sara led her into the living room and sat beside her on the settee. Amy took a place on her other side and Lizzy and Louisa pulled chairs closer.

  Amy took her hand. “Tell us what’s wrong.”

  Jo drew in a shuddering breath. The pain in her chest was almost too much to bear, but there was no way she could tell them why she couldn’t be with Zach. Losing their friendship and respect would crush her.

  And yet, with a compulsion that wasn’t hers, she found herself whispering, “I’m pregnant. I was pregnant before I came here.”

  Long seconds of silence followed. She closed her eyes, waiting for the condemnation, the disappointment, the disgust.

  And then, to her shock, Sara and Amy wrapped their arms around her, Louisa stood and walked around the settee to embrace her from behind, while Lizzy knelt in front of her. And there she sat, being hugged by the best friends she’d ever had, completely and unreservedly loved and accepted.

  Her astonishment became happiness, and then gratitude. She’d only known God a few days and already He was doing more for her than she could have imagined. She was beginning to understand why Zach called Him Father. Real fathers stood by their children, no matter what.

  When the hug came to an end, Jo told them about Clive leaving her when she told him she was expecting. How, in desperation, she’d become a mail order bride, intending to convince Gabriel that the child was his, but she hadn’t been able to go through with being with a man she didn’t love. And how he’d eventually worked it out for himself and forced her from his house.

  “He should be ashamed of himself,” Lizzy muttered.

  The others nodded, murmuring their agreement.

  “I understand why he was so upset,” Jo said, a little surprised at herself that she would defend him. “I’d lied to him and he was hurt.”

  “But still,” Amy said, “to throw you out at night.”

  “Well, yes, there is that.” A smile tugged at her lips. “But it did mean Zach rescued me.”

  “So romantic,” Lizzy sighed. “I wish I’d been there to see it.”

  “I wish I’d been awake to see it,” Jo said, to everyone’s laughter.

  “Does Zach know about the baby?” Amy said.

  Jo’s smile faded and she shook her head. “Please don’t tell anyone, not even Daniel, Jesse or Adam. I know it’s selfish of me, but I just want a bit longer with him. I never intended this to happen. I will tell him, but I’m not ready to lose him just yet. I’m not ready to be alone.”

  Louisa leaned forward to take her hand. “You won’t ever be alone, not with us around.”

  The others added their hands to Louisa’s on Jo’s lap. After thirteen years of relying only on herself, being surrounded by such sincere friendship felt wonderful.

  “I love you all. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

  “We love you too,” Sara said, smiling.

  “Oh, stop,” Lizzy said, extricating one hand to wipe at her eyes. “You know what I’m like with crying.”

  A gurgling stomach interrupted the moment. Louisa looked stricken. “I’m so sorry. I should have had a bigger breakfast. Jesse and I were a little late getting out of bed this morning.” She looked down and blushed.

  “Maybe we should continue this conversation while we make dinner,” Sara suggested.

  As they walked back into the kitchen to resume their preparations, Amy leaned in close to Jo. “I know you’re scared of losing Zach when he finds out about your baby, but don’t give up hope. He might surprise you.”

  Jo gave her a small smile. “Maybe.”

  But she
knew he wouldn’t. Zach was a good man. Far too good for her.

  Chapter 34

  It was Monday night and Jo’s shift was ten minutes from coming to an end, not a minute too soon as far as she was concerned. It had been a busy evening and she was more than ready to see Zach and go home.

  Rufus walked behind the bar and stopped close to her, lowering his voice. “Could I ask you a favour? Rebecca is having some... women’s problems upstairs. Would you mind going up and checking on her? I’d ask one of the other girls, but they’re all busy and I wouldn’t want to even try to deal with that kind of thing myself.”

  She laughed at his grimace. “Happy to. What about the bar?”

  “I’ll take over until Walt gets in. She’s in room four.”

  Jo approached the staircase with a small amount of trepidation. In the three weeks she’d been working there, she had never ventured up to the second floor of the saloon. Going up there now felt uncomfortable.

  Back in New York, there were areas where brothels could be found almost literally on every corner. When she was younger, she’d always been aware that many other girls like her had ended up in those places. It was either that or starve. She’d decided early on that she would rather starve, and there’d been times when she’d come close to doing just that. But after years of hiding from the men her mother brought home, the choice of what happened to her own body was one she would never give up. She was only now finally understanding the depth of her conviction, after what had happened with Gabriel.

  But she’d been able to more or less ignore what went on in the saloon, for the most part, working solely downstairs as she did. Lately, however, the whole situation had been bothering her. She was beginning to understand how Zach had felt when he’d stopped going there to gamble. Maybe it was a side effect of becoming a Christian, but the place just didn’t sit well with her anymore, no matter how benign her own role in it.

  The last few days, she’d been seriously entertaining the idea of giving up her job, but the thought made her nervous. What would she do for money if she left? There were no other jobs in Green Hill Creek for a woman. There were barely any for a man, from what Zach told her. She could save for passage to somewhere larger, with more opportunities, but just the thought of leaving Zach, not to mention her friends, made her heart hurt. She felt more at home in this tiny town than anywhere she’d ever lived. Maybe circumstances would force her to leave at some point, but she would rather it wasn’t so soon.