The American and The Brit: Unsolicited Advice

by K A Young

  "Will you stop referring to us as frauds! We’re not. And even if you are correct, and I’m not saying you are, he’s cool with us. He’s letting us stay. Now come on, I'm starved. Did you see the size of the steaks?"

  "Food. In a time of crisis how could you possibly think about food?"

  "Because we're not paying." She squeezed around me and unlocked the door. "I'm going to stuff my face. You coming?" And she was gone as was her diet kick, but not before she banged her other elbow against the stall. Thank God for small miracles.

  Before I could leave I had to adjust myself again, ensuring my girls were safely tucked away, gave myself a pep talk, and smoothed my hair. Maybe I had misheard him. No, no I hadn’t.

  Everyone was laughing when I returned. Phoebe was chugging on a glass of champagne, wide eyed, while listening to something Mrs. Ruthie Thomas was saying. Mr. Anderson stood and pulled a chair out next to him. "Everything ok, Liz?" I nodded while taking my seat. He handed me a glass of champagne and raised his to clink mine.

  After two glasses of confidence I leaned into Mr. Anderson. "So, boss man, did you not think to inform us that you were indeed our boss?" I swayed back to my upright position. He smiled and leaned into me. I blushed.

  "If I were your boss I would have indeed told you that, but I'm not. I'm Jake Anderson, Boss Man Anderson's more talented, more handsome, more outgoing and much younger brother."

  "Oh," was all I could say. That changed things. I smiled at Phoebe, trying our nonverbal conversation, but she looked confused. The champagne must interfere with our powers. "That, Mr. Jake Anderson, changes things considerably. I think we should celebrate. More champers?" I raised my glass and he took it from me, smiling.

  "Let's have some food first. John, shall we order?" With a nod from Mr. John Thomas a waiter came over and took our orders. "So, Ruthie, has John told you what a pair of stars we have with us?" Mrs. Ruthie Thomas glanced at my boobs again; she didn't really think he meant my boobs, did she? She nodded and smiled. "They are something else. Ladies, tonight we drink to you! I think we'll keep them, don't you, John?"

  "I think we will or, more accurately, I think Anderson Media will. My time here is almost up," John replied holding his glass up. "To Phoebe and Lizbeth."

  "Mine’s empty." I tipped my glass on its head and stuck my bottom lip out at Jake.

  "Oh no, you didn't," Phoebe said, full voice across the table. All eyes were on her. "Sorry, it was something else, someone over there." Everyone but me looked in the direction she was pointing. She nodded towards Jake and made silent kissing motions then ran her finger across her neck in threat. I shook my head and she laughed.

  As surprised as I was I enjoyed the rest of the evening and it went quite smoothly. Food had saved me; the champagne had been stronger than I thought and had gone straight to my head. "Thank you for a lovely evening, Mr. John Thomas, Mr. Jake Anderson. Mrs. Ruthie Thomas, it was lovely to meet you."

  "Please Liz, it's John. Mr. Thomas is my father." He smiled as he stood, helping Ruthie gather her belongings.

  "I'll call for your car. Do you have your ticket?" Jake Anderson held out his hand toward me. I panicked and looked at Phoebe.

  "We parked around the corner. We didn't know there was a service here." Nice save, Phoebs.

  "Let me walk you to your car then." No chance in hell. "Goodnight, John, Ruthie. See you tomorrow," Jake said, shaking John's hand.

  "Erm, you don't have to. We're big girls—we can look after ourselves." I stared at him, hoping he would agree, but I knew he wouldn't.

  "I won't hear of it. Come on." We followed him to the cloak room while mouthing things at each other, none of which either of us could understand. We got our coats and headed out of the restaurant. "Which way?" he asked while buttoning up his very smart overcoat.

  "This way." Phoebe headed in the direction of Wilf, too enthusiastic for my liking. We rounded the corner and Wilf came into sight. I looked at the ground as we all walked towards him. "This is us." Phoebe stopped by a white Audi convertible and carefully tapped the soft top. I gasped, hoping the alarm wouldn't go off.

  "Nice wheels." He looked impressed and he walked up and down, appraising a complete stranger’s car.

  "See, we're fine. Thanks for everything. Goodnight." Phoebe was waving at him like a lunatic. Please leave, I was silently praying. With a smile and a shake of his head he bid us a goodnight and walked back in the direction of the restaurant. When he was out of sight we bolted for Wilf and threw ourselves inside. "Great night, huh?" Phoebe asked as she turned on the ignition.

  "Strangely better than I was expecting." We sat there for a few minutes chatting about the evening and waiting for Wilf to warm up. As we were about to pull away I spotted Jake Anderson walking back in our direction. "Duck!" I shouted at Phoebs.

  "Where?" she asked, straining her head to find the duck.

  "No, duck." I grabbed her head and pulled it down onto my lap and I slid down the seat. Two men walking past smiled at us. I didn't care. I watched in horror as Jake Anderson pulled his keys from his pocket, pressed a button and the lights on the Audi convertible flashed on. "Oh shit." He climbed in smiling and drove off.

  "What is it?" Phoebe's muffled question came from my nether regions. “God, let me up Liz, I can’t breathe!” She swatted at my hands and I let her up.

  "Of all the cars here, you, my dear friend, picked Mr. Jake Anderson's."

  "You're shitting me!" Phoebe looked around for the evidence.

  "I kid you not. The hole we have been digging keeps getting bigger and bigger.”

  American and Brit

  Dear American and Brit,

  I have a situation that really needs some attention. My name in Glenda, I’m fifty-three and I have lived in my apartment for four years with my five cats. We moved here after my husband passed away, God rest his soul. My cats are my world. Snuggles, Cutie, Fairycakes, Peachy and Gorgeous are very disturbed with the disruption coming from my neighbors.

  A couple of months ago a newly married couple moved in next door and all they do is have sex morning, afternoon and night. They must do ‘it’ at least seven or eight times a day. It’s not natural. I don’t even think the girl enjoys it from the screaming that I hear. My precious Peachy buries her head when the headboard bangs onto my wall and poor Snuggles, he hides in the bathroom all of the time now.

  About a week ago I was on my balcony enjoying a small glass of sherry before I turned in for the night and they emerged onto their balcony wearing only what God gave them and started humping like wild animals out in the open. I’ve never in all of my born days seen anything like it. I was so stunned I was unable to move. The girl had her back to me, and him…well, he looked straight at me, smiled and continued to do his business. His eyes never left mine. It was very disturbing. My stomach was doing flip-flops but I refused to go inside on principle. After he finished he blew me a kiss and went back inside with his wife.

  My poor deceased husband, God rest his soul, would be turning in his grave. We kept our shenanigans to the bedroom, once a week, partially clothed, as it should be.

  I won’t give in and continue to have my sherry on the balcony every evening, while he has sex with his wife in front of me. I was here first.

  I would appreciate if you could let him know that I do not approve of the unnatural goings on.

  Glenda the Crazy Cat Lady from the UK

  Dear Glenda the Crazy Cat Lady,

  Get Real! You love it and it turns you on or you wouldn’t be out there enjoying the show every night. Those flip-flops in your stomach are telling you that you’re a hot-blooded female who desperately needs some attention from a man. Sex is the most natural thing in the world and you, my friend, have now entered the world of dogging, you dirty cat.

  Our advice to you...join a dating agency, find a man and get laid. When we say get laid we mean have wild, uninhibited sex and let your hair down. You need a good seeing to. And when you do let us know. We bet you’ll be worse t
han your neighbors.

  The American and The Brit.

  Phoebe

  A Bird in the Grill is Worth Two in the...Wait, That’s Not Right

  The next morning I popped my head into Liz’s office while munching on a muffin and asked, “Have you seen him?” Liz diverted her gaze from the computer screen just long enough to make eye contact with me and shake her head no. Good. I leaned around the corner to smile at Chrissi.

  “Hey Chrissi! How’s it going today?” She was all fluffed with a fresh new style. “Wow, love the new ‘do!”

  “Oh, thank you.” Chrissi grinned and flashed her nails at me. “Do you like?”

  I walked over to take a closer look at her French manicure that had been blinged at the tips with a small clear stone. “Like? I love!” I sat on the edge of her desk and sipped my coffee. “Where do you have them done?”

  “The French Tips over at the Avenues. If you go over you should ask for BeBe, she’s the best.”

  “I will,” I said as I glanced down at my pathetic polish job.

  “Oh and the best part…look!” She wheeled her chair back to show me her matching pedicure visible through her open toed pumps.

  “Again. Love!” It was settled. I’d be hauling ass over there at my first opportunity.

  Chrissi wheeled herself back under the desk. “I know, right? I’m going to have a cowboy hat blinged for my first onstage performance.”

  “Oh my God! Please tell me you’ll text me when you have something set up. Liz and I will be in the front row.” I was so excited for her but really sad for us. I hated the idea of getting used to another person in the office.

  “I’m going to hold you to that one,” she laughed. “So how’d it go last night?”

  “Great—we had dinner with John, his fiancé and Jake. It’s a shame you didn’t come along. It would have been nice to have you there.” I decided to just tell her the short version and hit the highlights of the evening.

  “Didn’t they take you guys to Chops?” I nodded. “Oh God, I wish I could have gone too. I love their steak and lobster bar.”

  “It was delicious. Plus, they all seem pleased with our work which is really a load off our minds.”

  “Of course they love your work, and from what I hear Gary is over the moon about the ratings and has even had several offers from big companies looking for advertising spots.”

  “Gary?”

  “Oh, Gary Anderson. I keep forgetting you guys haven’t been introduced yet.”

  “Get out!”

  “I’m serious.” She smiled. “You guys are the new up-and-comers in this business. Soon everyone will want a piece of the money pie.” I knew I sure did, but didn’t want any of this to go to my head. Knowing me, if I thought about it too much I’d have Liz and me living on easy street before the first big check came in. It took everything I had in me not to leap off this desk and run and tell her about the office gossip. “Look at you, all starry-eyed,” Chrissi continued.

  My laughter gave me away. I confessed, “Guilty. I already have my new apartment designed and furnished, complete with a giant walk-in closet.”

  “Oh… nice.” She grinned. “Hey, off the subject, have you met Hot and Spicy yet?”

  “Who?” I was intrigued.

  “He’s the contractor that works for Gary. He is here to drop off plans to Jake so he can take them over to his brother’s house so he’ll have them the moment he arrives home. He’s having a new house built for his wife, their fifteen cats, and handful of dogs. I hear she’s even added a few pot belly pigs to the family,” she snickered.

  My eyes widened in shock. “I’m sorry, what?”

  She shook her head, laughing. “I’m surprised you haven’t heard about this yet. I’m so not joking. Ina—that’s his wife’s name—calls them their children. She dresses them up in doll clothes and strolls them around. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m an animal lover by nature, I have two fur babies at home. It’s just the way she goes on about them that weirds me out. She has highchairs for them and feeds them from the table.” She immediately ducked her head and whispered, “Oh shit, here he comes now. He’s so hot it melts my face to make direct eye contact with him.”

  “Phoebe, are you going to sit around all day stuffing your face and gossiping or are you going to get in here and help me?” Liz came walking out all in a huff just as I put the muffin to my lips and caught sight of Hot and Spicy.

  Holy hell, he was a sexy hunk of a man with copper skin and brilliant white teeth that I just barely got a glimpse of. He was so smokin’ I think I whimpered a little. Liz was standing directly behind me as I slid off the desk.

  “Ladies, I’m sorry to disturb your work day, but by any chance have you seen Jake Anderson around this morning?” His eyes skimmed Chrissi and Liz, then landed on me when neither one of them had the guts to speak up. Dammit, that only left me.

  “No!” I nearly shouted and he took a step backward. “Oh, I’m sorry!” I shouted again. Shut up, Phoebs, just shut the hell up! “I’m, uh—” Still shouting. “Having volume-modulation problems today,” I explained in a little lower in tone that wasn’t much better.

  “Oh?” He laughed, exposing those gorgeous white teeth. That reminded me, I really needed to have my teeth whitened. Ratty nails, hobo yellow teeth, and I couldn’t fit into a size two pencil skirt. I was really upset that I’d let myself go.

  “Yes!” I shouted again and winced. “It’s the weather.”

  “Gotcha. Well, I’ve left him a message and left a note with his secretary, but his brother is extremely anal when it comes to his instructions so if any of you see him around let him know the plans are in his office.” He took a minute to glance at Liz and Chrissi, who both nodded. Chrissi glanced away. “Thank you and have a nice day.”

  “Bye!” I shouted and grinned like a lunatic escapee, then remembered my teeth and turned that into a closed-mouth smile. He laughed again, then turned to leave. I wanted to run and hide. My hands were sweating so much I think I ruined my muffin.

  “What the hell is wrong with you, Phoebs?” Liz laughed while I still grinned like a loon. “You talk about me having problems around attractive men? Now look at you. You’re way worse.”

  “It’s Hot and Spicy—he affects us all in weird ways.” Chrissi fanned herself with a sheet of printer paper and then cringed at me. “Oh God, Phoebs, you’ve got a chunk of muffin in between your front two teeth.”

  “Shoot me, shoot me now.” I looked down at my soggy muffin.

  “Don’t worry about it, the chances that you’ll run into him again are slim to none once Gary gets back,” Chrissi tried to reassure me. I wasn’t sure I didn’t want to run into him again. Hotness like that is hard to ignore.

  “Sure, Phoebs,” Liz chimed in. “You simply need to start exercising a little control.”

  “As if I ever have possessed a modicum of control,” I grumbled in response.

  “Oh, modicum—that’s a good word!” Liz smiled and Chrissi nodded.

  “Isn’t it? It’s my word of the day.”

  “It is? Well, there is a silver lining to this cloud—it gives me something laugh at for the rest of the day.” Liz pointed at another chunk of muffin stuck in my hair.

  ~ ~ ~

  I’d successfully persuaded Liz into accompanying me to the nail salon. With Chrissi’s help I secured a six o’clock appointment which meant we had to dart over there immediately after we got off work. I was super excited about having my nails blinged. “How much is this going to cost, Phoebs?” Liz asked, still slightly disgruntled that we were going to the salon before having dinner.

  “I’m not sure. Chrissi says they’re reasonable and Bebe does a great job.” I wasn’t letting her rain on my parade. “You really should see if they have a cancelation while we’re there and have yours done too.” A quick glance at her hands in her lap confirmed my suspicion. She needed this appointment more than I did. The bag in the window was flapping harder than usual, and Liz was gett
ing beat up by the thing. The duct tape must have come loose. And they say duct tape will fix anything.

  “Dammit!” Liz slammed her hand against the bag. “You have no business getting your nails done, Phoebe Hawkins, while we’re riding around in this piece of junk.”

  “Hey, it’s not that bad.”

  “Oh yeah, for you!” She smacked me on the shoulder. “You’re the one who gets to ride on the side that has a door and proper window while I’m stuck over here!” She was so aggravated.

  “What crawled up your ass and died?” She was acting ridiculous.

  “I’m sick of this, Phoebe! I think we need to switch. I’ll drive us home and you can ride over here and see what I have to put up with.”

  “No! You said you couldn’t drive in America, that you’d get confused.” I was trying to keep my eyes on the road and hold my ground with Liz at the same time.

  “Well, I changed my mind!” Out of nowhere a black object flew right at us and slammed against the grill.

  Liz screamed and I nearly jumped out of my skin. “What the hell was that?”

  Liz broke out into tears. “It was a bird! You killed a bird, Phoebe!”

  “I didn’t kill that bird. He committed suicide by flying his dumb ass into my car!” As the last word left my lips I burst out laughing.

  “Oh my God! You seriously aren’t laughing about killing that bird, are you?” I was laughing so hard I couldn’t reply so I shook my head no. “You are!” Liz was openly bawling now. “You are a horrible, horrible person, Phoebe Hawkins!” The more she berated me the harder I laughed. I’d always had inappropriate reactions to strange situations like this. One time in junior high I fell into a fit of giggles when a classmate fell into an ant hill during P.E. Everyone else was fussing over her and I couldn’t move because I was laughing so hard I feared I’d wet myself if I took a single step.

  After I pulled into the parking lot and parked I’d finally regained my composure. Liz was sitting there all snotty and sulking. God, like it was seriously my fault. I got out of Wilf determined to enjoy my mani/pedi when I spied something black, white and blue with feathers stuck into the grill. I totally lost it, laughing my ass off at this dead bird stuck in Wilf.