Abbi...

  “Hello?”

  “Yes Hi, is this Steve Hammond?”

  “Speaking,” Abbi was so grateful that she had got the right person so quickly.

  “This is Abbi, Mark’s girlfriend,” she said

  “Oh hi,” he said. “You never call me. You aren’t going to give me another lecture like Mark has about Grace are you?”

  “Have you seen the train crash on the news this morning?” Abbi cut across him, holding her breath.

  “No I haven’t,” he said slightly surprised. “Why?”

  “Mark was on that train,” Abbi said.

  Steve didn’t say anything for a moment. “Are you sure?”

  “As sure as I can be. I thought he had caught that one this morning and I phoned the help line and they think he was too. They won’t give me out any more information because I’m not family.”

  “I’ll call you back,” Steve said and the line went dead.

  It took ten minutes for Steve to call her back. She had spent that entire time staring at the phone. Before the first ring had died away she answered it.

  “Yes,” she said.

  “He was definitely on the train”, Steve said. He seemed surprisingly calm. “You saw him get on at nine thirty?”

  “Yes,” she whispered. “I know he did. How long is it going to take to get them all out of there?”

  “At least three hours. More likely much more than that.” Neither of them said anything. They were both watching the T.V waiting for more news to come through. They were both silently holding the phone to their ears. Eventually Steve told her that he had to go to make more calls. He promised to call her back when he had more news.

  “Wake up!” Ben slapped Mark lightly to get him to look at him again.

  “Why are you bothering?” Mark asked gasping for breath at the same time.

  “Because I am fine and I have to help someone. Anyone. I called the emergency services as soon as I could. They may already be here.” Ben had managed to shatter the glass into one cracked sheet. He warned Mark that glass would fall on him when he broke through it because the train was on its side. Mark nodded quickly. Before he knew it he felt shards hit his face. He couldn’t find the energy to lift his one working arm to protect his face. It felt oddly distant as if someone else was feeling it.

  Ben managed to get out and look at the rest of the train. At the drivers end he could see several ambulances. The train at that end had completely turned over. There were not many rescue people further down the train and none as far back as they were. Ben got back onto the train next to Mark.

  “Right I think I am going to have to carry you out of here. There aren’t any rescue people this far down yet. Okay?” Mark tried to nod but he couldn’t. Ben noticed that Mark had become very pale. Ben struggled for ages trying to get Mark out of the carriage. Eventually he managed it. Mark had moaned in pain to start with when he was moved but he had quickly stopped and been quiet.

  Ben was gleaming with sweat when he put Mark down on the ground away from the track. Ben was so exhausted that he couldn’t carry Mark any further. “Come on wake up!” Ben said angrily. Mark’s eyes were open, but only just.

  “What’s your girls name?” Ben asked trying to get him to wake up. It sort of worked. Mark opened his eyes and he managed to focus on Ben.

  “Abbi,” Mark said. Before he could say anything else Mark started coughing. He had now started coughing up blood as well. “Abbi Wilkins.”

  “Can you tell her something?” Mark asked. Ben nodded. Mark coughed again. More blood was coming up. He was in a great deal of pain and was struggling to think clearly.

  “I think I’m going to die,” he said faintly. Ben tried to say something but Mark continued in a low voice. “Tell her that I love her very much. I’m so sorry that we will never have…” Mark coughed up blood again. “…have our wedding.” to Ben he said, “I know I don’t know you at all but please try to tell her this.”

  “I will,” Ben said. He didn’t know what else to say to him. “What’s your name?” he asked suddenly.

  “Mark… Mark Hammond,” he said quickly. Mark could feel the pain overcoming him now.

  “I’m just going to get the ambulance.”

  “No,” Mark said. “Please stay. I… don’t think I’ve much time left. I don’t… want to die alone. Please don’t leave. Can you tell her… try to tell her that life goes on. She has to go on… without me.” They were the last words he ever said. After that Mark closed his eyes and he never opened them again. Ben felt for Mark’s pulse and he couldn’t find it. Ben felt like he had failed. He had tried so hard to keep Mark with alive and get him off the train. He had failed.

  Abbi sat watching the devastating scenes coming through on the television. Images had started to be shown now some clearly from helicopters. Half the train had turned over. It was awful. You could see more of the underside of the train than the roof of it. Emergency people were smashing in windows and trying to get people out of there. Ambulances and paramedics were starting to arrive at one end of the train. Sooner or later they were everywhere. After an hour of this Abbi couldn’t bear to watch any more and she left the room. At the same moment her phone rang.

  Abbi raced to it. “Hello.”

  “They have found him,” Steve said.

  “And?” Abbi said quietly.

  “It’s not good news,” Steve said quietly. “He… He is dead.” Abbi heard Steve trying not to cry on the other end of the phone.

  “You’re… You’re sure?” she asked.

  “They… They have found his wallet on him. It had all his cards and identification in it. They have also found a photo which they have described. It’s of… of him and a blonde girl who is probably you. A man spoke to him before he died. It’s definitely him. My father is… He is on his way to identify him to make sure.” Before he could say anything else Abbi dropped the phone to the floor and it smashed apart. She screamed with her head in her hands. Her mother had disappeared from sight. Maybe she had wanted to leave Abbi alone.

  Abbi couldn’t stop crying hysterically. She could barely comprehend it. Mark had died. He had left her- for good. She would never see him again. Never hear him laugh or look into his eyes. She ran out of the house and she kept running. It was raining she dimly noticed. She ran until she was at Mark’s holiday home. She had kept a key for it when he had left. She slowly opened the door and had a look around. They had taken the Christmas tree down the day before and had taken it outside. You could see it from the window. There were the remnants of a fire in the grate. There was still some wrapping paper left in one of the bins.

  Abbi still had her things in the bedroom. She had been so determined to go with Mark to the station she said she would come and pick up her stuff later. On top of one of her bags was the leather bag he had given her for Christmas. She picked it up, opened it and took out the paper that shops stuff bags with. At the bottom was a tiny card. She had barely even noticed it. It had a sprig of holly on the front. It was a small card from the shop. There must be a message in it. Something to say goodbye. Something. Anything. Abbi slowly opened it. The card was blank inside. Mark probably hadn’t noticed it was there, she thought ruefully.

  Mark and herself had so many blank pages ahead of them, she thought. Blank pages that would now never be filled as he wasn’t there to fill them. She felt the tears start again and looked at the Christmas card he had given her. Inside it had “Merry Christmas” printed by the card company. Mark had written, “Dear Abbi. Hope you have a great Christmas this year. I love you always”, and he had signed it. She ran her fingers over where he had written his name. She sat there for a long time staring at his name. Until the letters stopped blurring.

  Eventually she had managed to stop crying. She grabbed her things and left. Abbi had spent so long there that it was now dark. She locked the door and was about to put the key back into her pocket as usual when she thought, what was the point? Now that Mark was dead she would never come back
here. Abbi spent a few seconds staring at the key. She then threw it as far as she could and it was lost in the darkness. Slowly she walked home.

  Before she could get into her house Jess was waiting for her outside. Silently she gave her a hug. Abbi felt herself falling apart again. She wailed quietly as Jess tried to calm her down.

  “Your mum told me what happened,” she said quietly. “I’m so sorry that he’s d…”

  “Don’t say it,” Abbi begged. She let go of Jess and looked her in the face. “Please don’t say it.” Abbi’s face was wet from the tears she had been crying. “I can’t cope. I…” Abbi couldn’t go on. After ten minutes or so Abbi had managed to pull herself together enough to go into her house. Jess walked beside her as she went. Abbi was glad that she had someone beside her.

  Her mother was waiting for her as she opened the door. Eleanor had her arms held open for a hug. Abbi shook her head. “If you hug me, I will dissolve into tears again. I don‘t want that.”

  “Okay,” her mother said. “Steve called again. It was definitely Mark. Their father confirmed it.” Abbi nodded. She couldn’t think of anything to say. About anything. She knew that it was Mark because if he had been alright someone would have called her. He would have called her himself. All that she could feel was a hollow cavern where her heart had been this morning.

  “So he proposed to you?” her mother asked. Again Abbi nodded. She didn’t want to talk to anyone. She had a lump in her throat and was afraid she would start crying again if she had to open her mouth to speak. Abbi walked away from her mother and Jess and she slammed her bedroom door shut. Everything in her room seemed to remind her of Mark. Little things. Like a small picture of them together. Or some letters that he had sent to her. Eventually she managed to get to sleep. She dreamed that Mark was still with her.

  The next morning she woke up quite happy. Then it hit her all over again. Yesterday. Train crash. Mark proposing. Mark on the train. Mark dead. She glanced at the clock. It was six in the morning. There was no way she was going to get any more sleep now. Her mobile was in the kitchen. She got up and called Steve. He answered so quickly he clearly wasn’t asleep either.

  “Hello.”

  “It’s Abbi,” she said quietly. “I don’t know who else to talk to. I know it’s early but I feel like I’m going mad.”

  “It’s okay,” Steve said. “Believe me, I wasn’t asleep. How are you doing?”

  Abbi laughed. “I was just about to ask you that.” She then felt incredibly guilty for laughing after what had happened yesterday. “I’m feeling terrible. I seem to have forgotten what to do with myself,” she said.

  “Well at least that makes two of us,” Steve said.

  Abbi started to make herself some toast. “How are your parents doing?” She heard Steve sigh.

  “My mother left the house and she hasn’t come back yet. She had been crying for about two hours previously to that though. My father hasn’t come home from the office yet. After he… identified Mark he made arrangements for his body to be moved and he went back to work. I don’t know what he is thinking.”

  “So you are in the house on your own?” Abbi asked. She started chewing on a piece of toast. It tasted awful so she didn’t eat the rest.

  “Yeah,” he said. “I don’t really know what to say to you,” he admitted.

  Abbi leaned against the wall. “I don’t either. You knew him so much longer than I did,” she said wistfully.

  “I know,” Steve said. “He loved you, you know. He was going to propose to you.”

  “I know he was,” Abbi said. “I’m wearing his engagement ring at the moment.” She looked at her hand as she was speaking. “He told you he was going to ask me?”

  “Yes,” Steve said quickly. “He wanted me to tell him if it was crazy. If it was far too fast for the two of you.”

  “What did you say?” Abbi asked.

  “I told him he was crazy,” Steve said. They both smiled a little smile.

  “It feels awful to smile,” Abbi said softly. “Knowing that he isn’t here.” Steve didn’t say anything to that. They were both silent on the phone for a good ten minutes. “How did he die? Was it quick or…” Abbi couldn’t finish the sentence.

  “It wasn’t quick,” Steve said slowly. “Apparently he was conscious for a while after the crash. A man who was hardly injured helped him off the train. He then… Mark then lost consciousness and… died.” Steve’s voice had been fading away throughout.

  “When is his funeral?” she asked quietly.

  “My father has arranged it for Wednesday,” Steve said. “It will be in a church just outside London. You remember where the summer ball was?”

  “Yes,” she said. Abbi didn’t want to think about that. She didn’t want to think about any of her memories that had Mark in. Which was very difficult because every thought seemed to lead back to him.

  “It’s quite near there,” Steve finished.

  “Yeah, okay but I’m not going to his funeral,” Abbi said.

  “Oh come on you have to go,” Steve said immediately. “He would have wanted you to go.”

  “No,” she said firmly. “I can’t. I just can’t go.”

  “Look I will come and get you and drive you down,” Steve started. “You won’t have to do anything to…”

  “This has nothing to do with getting there,” Abbi cut across him. “Mark’s dad. I mean your dad hates me. I’m sure he won’t want me there. Plus he probably blames me for Mark’s death,” Abbi said voicing a thought that had been torturing her.

  “Where on earth do you get that from?” he asked her.

  “If I had never met Mark, if we were never in love he wouldn’t have visited me at Christmas. He would… He would…” Abbi started crying. “He would never have been on the train journey that killed him.” Abbi couldn’t stop the tears from falling.

  “No one blames you,” Steve said slowly. “You want to know what he was like for months when you weren’t with him? He was so unhappy without you it was painful to watch. He wanted to be with you, Abbi.”

  She didn’t say anything just sobbed into the phone. “This is pathetic. All we are doing is talking about me. You have lost your brother too.”

  “I know. Please come to the funeral. I know he would want you there.”

  “I’ll think about it,” she said.

  “Okay,” he said. “I’ll talk to you later.”

  “Bye.

  Chapter 14

  Sorrow

  That day Abbi revisited everywhere she had been with Mark. She didn’t know why she was torturing herself like this. She sat on the train platform waiting and thinking. Waiting for the world to make sense again. She felt empty. What had she done with herself before she had met Mark in her spare time? She couldn’t seem to remember.

  The platform was empty. Trains weren’t running properly yet because of the crash. It had started to snow Abbi noticed. She stayed there for a long time staring at nothing. The last time she had been here Mark had proposed to her. Now he was dead. He didn’t die quickly either, according to Steve. Abbi had no reason to doubt what she was told. The thought that he hadn’t died outright and was in pain disturbed her deeply. She hated to think of him that way.

  Abbi tried to focus on the time that they had spent together over the summer and over Christmas and New Year. It was such a short time they had had together. Only a matter of weeks. Abbi remembered the way he had looked at her through those days. The way his smile lit up his face. She remembered the way he had held her through all those times they had been together. Twenty four hours ago he had just left her. If he hadn’t got on that bloody train! Abbi thought angrily.

  She wasn’t sure what to do with herself anymore. She didn’t want to talk to anyone about him, but she missed him terribly. She had no idea how long she stayed sitting, thinking and watching the snow lightly fall.

  Two days later Eleanor began to see that Abbi wasn’t eating as much as she should have been. Her lunch h
ad hardly been touched and Abbi had been hibernating in her room ever since Mark had died. Eleanor knocked on her daughters room. There was no answer. She pushed open the door and saw her daughter curled up in a ball staring out the window. She was wearing the same jeans and jumper she had been wearing for days and her hair was all over the place. Abbi’s eyes had that haunted look and she looked like she had just stopped crying.

  “Are you alright Abbi?” she asked. Abbi shrugged her shoulders and kept looking out the window. “Come on Abbi, talk to me.”

  “No I am not alright,” Abbi said raising her voice. “My boyfriend was leaving me for a couple of months, he proposed to me, he was in a train crash and he died within twelve hours. I am most definitely not alright. I feel completely empty and I don’t know what to do anymore.”

  “Abbi you need to eat something,” Eleanor said. At that moment there was a knock on the door. Abbi didn’t move. Eleanor sighed and went to answer the door. She found a young man standing outside holding a small box..

  “Yes?” Eleanor said.

  “I’m Mark’s brother Steve,” the man said.

  “You better come in,” Eleanor said swinging the door aside. “I’m sorry about Mark. Are you here to see Abbi?” she asked. He nodded. “I’ve got to warn you, she is in a bad way. She isn’t even eating at the moment.” Eleanor led the way to Abbi’s room. She knocked on the door and opened it. Steve went in and Eleanor left them to share their grief alone.

  Abbi glanced around as she heard her door open for the second time. She was surprised to see Steve come in her room.

  “What are you doing here?” she asked. Abbi got up from sitting on the floor and moved onto her chair.

  “I have something for you,” he said sitting on her bed. He handed over the box and she didn’t open it.