Abbi...

  “What is it?” she asked.

  “It’s some of Mark’s things,” he said. Abbi immediately tried to give the box back to him. “Abbi you have to accept that he has gone. You need to look at things like this.”

  “How can you possibly be so calm?” Abbi asked. “You’re brother has died and you seem so concerned about me. You don’t seem to be worried about yourself. What about Grace as well?”

  “Can we leave Grace out of this? I know that my brother loved you,” Steve said slowly. “I have been sorting through some of his things and it has helped me to… sort of accept that he won’t be coming back to us.”

  “I don’t believe that. Not so soon. You could never accept his death that quickly.” She didn’t speak for a moment. “What’s in it?” she asked looking at the box.

  “Stuff of yours and his, together.” Steve said. Abbi looked at the box. She couldn’t decide if she wanted to open it or wanted to throw it away without looking at it. Steve didn’t say a word. He knew she was thinking hard. It was a simple wooden box about the size of a shoe box.

  Abbi opened it very slowly. The first thing she saw was the watch that she had given Mark on Christmas day. The face of it had a crack in it but it was still showing the right time. She took that out of the box and found her dark blue hair ribbon that Mark had taken when he left her after the summer. Abbi smiled to herself through the tears. There was a stack of letters from her in the box too. And a smaller stack of photos of them together. Abbi started to go through the pictures slowly.

  Steve was watching her closely. She was crying while going through the box of Mark’s stuff. She hadn’t seemed to have noticed.

  Abbi also found a glove of her ball dress there. She immediately went to her wardrobe and checked her dress. Sure enough one of her gloves was missing. How had she never noticed? Abbi assumed she had had other things on her mind at the time. She definitely had other things on her mind she realised.

  At the bottom of the box was a photo frame. It was identical to the one that Mark had given her. It had a photo of her in it. She was sitting on the beach. She wasn’t looking at the camera, she was watching the sun setting over the ocean. Her face was in profile and the sun had cast a glow over her face. She had no memory of this picture being taken. He must have taken it when she wasn’t watching. That was enough to send Abbi dissolving into tears.

  Steve went over to her and put his arm around her as she cried. “I’m sorry,” she sobbed. “I can’t seem to stop crying now.”

  “Are you coming to the funeral?” he asked her. She started to shake her head and then changed to a nod.

  “The least I could do is say goodbye,” she said quietly. “When is it?”

  “Two days time,” he said. “Another reason I’m here is to take you to the funeral. I didn’t think you would fancy going on the train.” Abbi laughed and quickly stopped. She felt terribly guilty.

  “Mark would have wanted you to laugh Abbi,” he said quietly.

  It was the morning of Mark’s funeral and Abbi was ready to leave. She hadn’t got much sleep the night before as she was dreading going. Jess had decided not to go. Abbi had told her that she didn’t need to be surrounded by more depressed people than necessary and she was more than happy to agree. Jess felt very guilty whenever she looked at Abbi’s face and thought of what she would look like if she ever found out. It was a horrible feeling and Jess felt she had no right to be near her on this terrible day.

  The weather was glorious. It was cold but the sun was shining weakly in the blue sky. Abbi was wearing a black dress with a dark jumper as it was absolutely freezing outside. She was also going to bring a white rose which hadn’t been easy to get hold of in January. Steve was going to pick her up at nine so they had enough time to get there without racing through traffic. Abbi’s mum was watching her.

  “Are you going to be okay?” she asked softly. Abbi shrugged.

  “I will be okay,” Abbi said. “I just want today over with.”

  “Do you want me to come with you?” Eleanor hadn’t asked before today because Abbi wasn’t speaking much. She kept leaving the room whenever Eleanor had tried to start up a conversation. Abbi shook her head slowly.

  “I’ll be fine,” she said. There was a knock on the door and Abbi got up straight away to answer it. Steve was standing there in a very smart suit.

  “You ready to go?” he asked her.

  “Yeah I’m just going to say goodbye to my mum,” Abbi said. She went back to her mum and gave her a hug.

  “Call me if you need anything,” her mum said. Abbi nodded again. She left with Steve and got into his car.

  “How are you doing?” Steve asked her.

  “I’m alright,” she said. “I don’t think I could cry anymore even if I tried to. I feel like I am beyond tears. How are you?” Steve concentrated on driving without replying.

  Neither of them said anything else until they were about five minutes away from the church.

  “I’m trying not to think about him,” Steve said as they parked.

  “I’m doing the same,” she told him. They sat in the car for a few minutes. The church had a few people dressed in black milling around outside. “How long have we got until… it starts?” she asked. Steve checked at his watch.

  “About twenty minutes.”

  “Lets go in then. I want to get a seat at the back,” she said. When Steve gave her a questioning look she carried on. “I don’t want to talk to your parents more than is strictly necessary. You know your father has always hated me, which is quite an accomplishment as he hasn’t said more than a couple of sentences to me.”

  They both got out of the car and Abbi instantly dashed into the church before anyone could say anything to her. Steve found his father at the door of the church. George Hammond looked as he always did. Stern face and shaking hands with everyone as they came in. Julia, Mark’s mother looked much more upset, Abbi thought. She was top to toe in black and her black hat was massive. Abbi could see that her eyes were slightly puffy because she had been crying.

  Abbi was sitting at the back of the church just existing. Abbi wasn’t thinking of anything at all as the church filled up around her. The church was quite large so no one sat near her. The front two thirds of the pews were completely full leaving Abbi on her own with no one around her.

  The funeral slipped by without Abbi paying any attention to it. She wanted it to be over as quickly as possible. She looked at her hands. She was still carrying the white rose. Her engagement ring was still on one of her fingers and the silver band was on another. They would forever remind her of Mark.

  Before she knew what was happening a lot of men in suits were carrying out his coffin. She stood up with everyone else as his coffin was carried out of the church and into the cemetery. Abbi however sat back down and stayed inside the church as everyone else followed the coffin. She didn’t want to be around everyone else all saying the same things. She wanted to be on her own with Mark.

  Abbi walked to the door of the church and watched as everyone gathered around. She was going to wait until everyone had left. However a man tapped her on the shoulder disrupting her thoughts.

  “Are you Abbi Wilkins?” the man asked. Abbi nodded wondering what this man wanted. “I was on the train with Mark that day.” Abbi’s heart stopped for a second. “He wanted to tell you something.” Abbi walked over to sit down on a pew while she was taking in his words. He had talked to Mark before he had died. Something which she could only dream of having now. Abbi would never be able to have those last words.

  “What did he say?” Abbi was whispering as if afraid of the answer.

  “He asked me to tell you that he loved you. Very much.” Abbi wasn’t looking at the man. She was watching her hands. “I think he knew he was dying at the time. He said he was sorry you two would never have your wedding. Also before the train crashed he told me that you were something special.” The man took a deep breath and said, “He wanted to tell you that life
goes on. That you have to go on without him.”

  The man finished speaking. Abbi couldn’t look at him. She sat there dry eyed throughout what the man said. She had known Mark had felt that way about her because she still felt the same way about him. She didn’t think the pain of him dying would ever leave her. Every day it seemed to get worse than the day before, because it would hit her all over again each morning.

  Every time she made herself a cup of tea the pain hit her. If she went for a walk his loss hurt her more and more than the time before. Everyday she seemed to discover more things that would never be the same now that he had died Every thing she watched on T.V or the music she listened to reminded her that Mark would never share these things anymore. These mundane, stupid things Mark was right. Life would go on, but Abbi thought that it was a much more unfriendly world without him there with her. The man got up and left Abbi to her thoughts.

  Abbi got up after a moment or two and watched the scene in the graveyard. Slowly everyone was leaving to go to the wake which was in a hall. It was only a five minute walk down the road so everyone had left their cars by the church.

  Finally the last mourner had left and two gravediggers came and started work. Abbi walked slowly up to Mark’s grave. The gravediggers looked like they were going to stop working in respect when Abbi approached. She told them to carry on as she watched them. Quite quickly they were done and they left her on her own.

  “Hi there,” she said to Mark. She bent down so she was looking at the mound of earth that covered him. Abbi placed the white rose on the earth.

  “I have got to be honest with you, Mark. I’m not doing very well here,” she said. “Why did it have to be that train? I miss you so much. You know when you left after the summer, even though you weren’t with me, you called me all the time. I guess I’m just getting a bit lonely without you.” She stared at his grave.

  “I came to your funeral to say goodbye. But now I’m here I can’t seem to do it. How can I go on without you?” Tears were starting to fall down her face now. The cold air was making them freeze on her cheeks. “I love you.” She stood up and stayed there for a while longer. “Goodbye Mark.”

  She began to walk away when she noticed that someone was watching her. Mark’s mother walked up to her. “Hello Abbi,” she said.

  “I’m sorry Mrs Wilkins,” Abbi said. Why she was sorry she didn’t know.

  “Call me Julia please. Why are you here?” She didn’t sound mad, only curious.

  “I wanted… I needed to say goodbye and I wanted to do it on my own,” Abbi said.

  “I understand,” Julia said. And Abbi could see that she did.

  “Do you want me to leave?” Abbi asked.

  Julia shook her head. “You cared very much for my son. Didn’t you?”

  “I loved him,” Abbi said. Julia nodded. “I still do love him.”

  “So do I,” Julia told her. “I have wanted to talk to you for a while. Mark had fallen completely in love with you.” Abbi stayed silent. She knew that already. As well as the feeling in her heart people seemed determined to tell her that Mark loved her. “I want you to know that I don’t think the same thing as my husband does.” Abbi could see that was true. Julia would not be standing talking to Abbi by her sons grave if she felt the same way as her husband.

  “I quite like you,” Julia said. “I wanted you to know that.”

  “Thank you,” Abbi said. “That means a lot to me.”

  Julia sniffed. “Will you leave me alone so I can talk to my son.”

  “Of course I will,” Abbi said. “I have already said my goodbyes.” Abbi left Julia on her own. To mourn by her son’s grave.

  Chapter 15

  Epilogue

  After his funeral Steve took me home. When a couple of months went by I put my engagement ring into its box and hid it away with the rest of Mark’s things that Steve had given me. I couldn’t bear to keep wearing it and looking at what might have been. I imagined it was worth a great deal but I would never sell it. I couldn’t. It was enough to know it was there. However I did keep wearing the engraved silver ring. It was a constant reminder of how much I had once loved and been loved. The sorrow over Marks death did lessen over the following months and years but the emotional scar never faded

  I met Steve occasionally over the years, but we drifted apart. There was simply no one there to bring us together after what had happened. He never spoke once of Grace or of his baby. It was as if they had never existed to him. I never saw George Hammond again. I accepted the fact that George Hammond disliked me for reasons that had little to do with my personality. He disliked the gold digger that he assumed I was.

  Jessica and I had a very good friendship which lasted for a long time. I was really glad that I had gotten to know her after that disastrous start. I needed to have someone around me in the months after Mark had died.

  The relationship between myself and my mother fell apart. She thought I had gone far too quickly with Mark and didn’t think our relationship could be the real thing after only six months together. Several weeks after Mark died we got into a heated argument. I think we both said things that could never be forgotten and that we came to regret.

  There was an investigation about the train crash. How had such devastation happened? The driver had been drunk. He had been going far to fast and missed the signposts. By the time the result from the enquiry came back I didn’t care what the result was. It was irrelevant as nothing could bring Mark back to me. It turned out that out of the two hundred and twelve passengers on that train, one hundred and three people had died because of the way the train crashed. What a pointless waste of life.

  A long time after Mark died I did fall in love with somebody else. I eventually got married and I had two children. But I never forgot him.

  Every year on January the second, the anniversary of his death, I visited Mark’s grave. I always brought a white rose with me. The first year I visited him, a gravestone had been built. It was a simple slab detailing his name and dates of birth and death. He had died at twenty one years old. The more years that rolled by, the worse and worse it felt that he had died so young. I was living all these long years that he never got to experience.

  I still love Mark and part of me probably always will. I wore the engraved silver ring every day from the day that Mark gave it to me. I will carry part of him with me for the rest of my life.

  I thought over everything that had happened over the last twelve months and asked myself again was it worth it? My head couldn’t answer. My heart did instead. I think you already know what the answer is.

  THE END

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