by K J Harlow
“That’s…” Starry started.
“Asshat,” Yoshi finished. He was already battling in the gym?
“Oh you know him? Yeah, he’s a champ in the making too.”
“Can you stop saying that?”
“What, champ?”
“That.”
“What, champ?”
“’Champ’.”
“I know you are but what am I?” Yoshi waited for his face to split into a grin but the guy was deadly serious. Starlotte giggled while Sophie had a huge ‘WTF’ look on her face.
“Don’t worry.” Numbers flew up in multiples of tens for each trainer on the screen next to a spinning coin symbol. “So, I just place a bet here and…”
“Yes, or from your phone. Onyx.OhnoGyms.org. Select today’s session and you’re in, champ.”
“And winnings get put back into my account?”
“Yes, ch–”
Yoshi slapped his hand over the dude’s mouth and glared at him. “No more.”
He stared back and nodded. Yoshi slowly withdrew his hand.
“Champ.”
“I can’t see shit,” Soph complained. They had come in late and were in the back row of the gallery.
“Just watch the screens,” Yoshi said, craning to get a better look.
“Do you want to swap with me, Soph?” Starry asked.
“Ladies and gentlemen! Wasn’t Round 1 absolutely stupefying? Give it up for our resident trainer, Clay!” Yoshi and his girlfriends joined in with the polite applause. “And how did you find that battle, Asshat?”
His pudgy fingers grabbed the microphone right out of the MC’s hands. “It was tough, but I was tougher.”
Yoshi snorted, crossing his arms. Far out, this guy.
The MC wrested the mike back from Asshat. “OK, OK. Well your win has earned you a dance with…” Spotlights darted to the other side of the ring and doors swung in, creaking loudly. “Stooooooone.”
Yoshi stood up and peered down. “What the–”
“Is he the trainer or is he going to fight the other guy’s girlfriends?” Soph quipped.
Stone made Asshat look like a teddy bear. He looked up indifferently at the audience in the stalls as they drenched his six-foot-eight frame in boos.
“Named after his cold, cold heart, Stone here makes sure that only the best new trainers make it through to the final round. How are you doing today?” The MC reached up to Stone’s hard set expression with his mike. Stone turned his bald head down and stared expressionlessly at him. “Great as usual then.” The MC cleared his throat. “Will the trainers please come to the middle.”
Asshat sauntered to the center ring while Stone crunched over. The MC backed up until he was outside the ring.
“Alright, we’ll go over the rules again for the benefit of everyone watching. One-on-one only, one swap out per battle, one healing item per girlfriend per battle, no revives allowed. Trainers entering the battle ring will be disqualified immediately. The first one to have no more conscious girlfriends will lose. Asshat, are you ready?” He stared up at his humongous opponent, fingers hovering over his rings. “Stone, are you ready?” Stone stood there.
“Three… two… one… FIGHT!” A cymbal clashed and floodlights came on.
“Go, Macy!” Blue lightning crackled out from the ring on Asshat’s fist. His bug-type came out, blinked her compound eyes and smoothed her green hair back behind her antennae. The screen behind him changed. At the top, it showed his double-chinned mugshot as well as how many girlfriends he had left in the form of lit rings. The Macy’s face occupied the bottom right while her stats were on the left:
NAME: Macy
LEVEL: 13
NATURE: Quirky
TYPE: Bug
ACC.: Silver Bangle
HP: 44/44
- ATTACK: 12
- DEFENSE: 13
- SPCL ATTACK: 17
- SPCL DEFENSE: 13
- SPEED: 9
MOVESET:
Leech - Type: Bug - 40/40 PP (Steal health from your foe)
Shoulder Charge - Type: Normal - 30/30 PP (Ram foes with your shoulder)
“Why hasn’t he sent out his girlfriend yet?” Sophie asked. Stone stood there with a – for lack of a better word – stoned expression on his face. After 10 seconds, he finally slid a salami-sized finger into a ring and pointed it at the center. Moments later, a girlfriend donning a weathered, leather jacket took the stage opposite the Macy.
Yoshi pulled his GF-wiki out. Wonder if it’s too far to get a reading on her?
His GF-wiki was able to pick it up:
Name: Crystal
Entry No.: 18
Type: Rock
Species: Rogue
Rarity: *
Crystals are born with the ability to withstand high amounts of pressure, whether that be social or physical. They prefer to absorb their opponent’s attacks with their high defense before finishing them off with penetrating blows.
Her stats and move set appeared on the large screen behind her:
NAME: Crystal
LEVEL: 11
NATURE: Unflappable
TYPE: Rock
ACC.: NIL
HP: 45/45
- ATTACK: 15
- DEFENSE: 21
- SPCL ATTACK: 18
- SPCL DEFENSE: 20
- SPEED: 9
MOVESET:
Boulder Punch - Type: Rock - 30/30 PP (Strike with an earth shattering force)
Charge - Type: Normal - 30/30 PP (Bide energy for two turns before unleashing it on the third. Deals triple SPCL ATTACK)
“She looks powerful…” Starlotte said in awe. Part of the Crystal’s face was covered with bleach blond hair. Under her jacket, she wore a skull and crossbones top. She angled herself side on and crossed her arms. Tight dark-blue denim wrapped her taut rear and powerful quads.
Asshat pointed at the Crystal. “Macy, use Leech!”
The Macy crept forward, keeping her eyes on the Crystal. Stone’s girlfriend stared straight ahead, as still as her trainer. The Macy stopped two feet in front of her. She raised both hands and long, thin, white suckers launched out from her palms and attached themselves to her opponent’s face.
Macy used Leech!
“Ew,” Sophie said, shivering.
“You’re a flying-type,” Yoshi said.
“So?”
“So… you eat bugs don’t you?”
“I’m not an actual bird, dipshit.”
The Crystal’s screen pulsed red once and her HP dropped eight points.
“Boulder… Punch…” Stone’s voice sounded like gravel being crunched through a rock pulveriser.
Crystal used Boulder Punch!
The Crystal moved frighteningly fast. The Macy only just managed to evade her opponent’s straight jab feint but it put her right in the strike zone for the roundhouse follow-up. The dull thud reverberated through the room as her fist thudded into the Macy’s stomach and sent her flying back several feet. The Macy’s screen flashed red.
It’s Super Effective!!!
Her HP drained down to 8/45.
“Macy! Get back!” From the fetal position, she zipped back into her ring. Asshat gritted his teeth and stared at his opponent’s girlfriend. The Crystal lowered her arms slowly, the slightest smile curling the corner of her mouth.
7
The Ol’ Fishing Hole
“Charmaine, use Fire Breath!”
She threw her frazzled, red hair out of her face. Taking a deep breath, she took aim at the kneeling Crystal. Flames erupted from her mouth and consumed Stone’s girlfriend.
Damn, she’s strong… Yoshi dropped his hands. The Crystal lay on the ground, smoke rising from her still frame, her clothes singed.
It’s not very effective…
Crystal fainted!
A big, red cross appeared over her face on the screen behind her while a circle appeared over the Charmaine.
“Yes!” Asshat punched the air. “Eat that!”
>
Stone stared nonchalantly at his opponent. He recalled his fallen girlfriend and replaced the ring into his belt.
“What’s his last girlfriend?” Starlotte asked. The crowd buzzed, waiting to see the answer.
Stone slowly slipped his index finger into the remaining ring on his belt. The click echoed through the stadium when he released it from its clip. He raised his fist.
“Tina…”
Blue light flashed out and a second later his final girlfriend stood there.
“Do you have to check out every single girlfriend you see? Her details are right there on the screen!” Soph hissed.
“The GF-wiki keeps a record of it,” Yoshi explained. After a few seconds, the details on his handheld matched up to those on the big screen:
NAME: Tina
LEVEL: 15
NATURE: Merciless
TYPE: Rock Turtle
ACC.: Silver Armband
HP: 79/79
- ATTACK: 22
- DEFENSE: 25
- SPCL ATTACK: 21
- SPCL DEFENSE: 24
- SPEED: 16
MOVESET:
Charge - Type: Normal - 30/30 PP (Bide energy for two turns before unleashing it on the third. Deals triple SPCL ATTACK)
Withdraw - Type: Normal - 25/25 PP (Return into shell to increase DEFENSE)
Rapid Spin - Type: Rock - 20/20 PP (Return into shell and strike foe)
Name: Tina
Entry No: 21
Type: Rock
Species: Tortoise
Rarity: *
The shell grows on Tina’s back from a young age, weighing up to 100 lbs at full maturity. Not particularly sociable, wild Tinas can be found in mountainous areas strengthening each other’s shells through combat.
“Rapid Spin…” Stone commanded.
The Tina’s craggy hands thudded into the ground. She pulled her thick limbs and spiky hair-topped head in. One moment she was stationary the next, she had crunched into the Charmaine.
The fire-type zinged off the spinning shell, landing a few feet away from Asshat.
It’s Super Effective!!!
“I’m… sorry…” She slumped and fell still.
Charmaine fainted!
A red cross appeared over her face and the screen greyed out.
“Fucking useless…”
“Asshat Poke, that is one demerit point against your name for using foul language. One more and you will be banned from battling at Onyx Gym for a year,” the MC said sternly.
He turned his fat head up, boos and jeers dripping down the gallery.
“Serves him right,” Yoshi nodded, crossing his arms. “What sort of trainer would put a weak girlfriend into a battle?”
Sophie cleared her throat loudly.
Asshat stabbed his finger into his final ring.
“Sophie, go.”
“What?” Soph slammed her hands on the ledge and stood up. “She’s going to get slaughtered out there!”
“Sit down,” Yoshi said, looking around him. She snatched her wrist away before Yoshi could grab it.
“No!”
“There’s nothing we can do about it,” Yoshi shot back.
Asshat’s Sophie blinked and looked around. Catching sight of the Tina standing in front of her, she became very still.
“Tina… Rapid Spin…”
“That fucking fucker!” Soph screeched.
“Calm down, Soph.”
“Don’t ‘calm down’ me! We’re not in the gym anymore.” A feather or two was falling off her body every few seconds. Starlotte was trailing behind, picking them up. “And why did you put money on him?”
“He had good odds to win! And besides, how was I meant to know that he would send a Sophie into the battle?” Yoshi retorted. “I thought he would have been smarter than that.”
Sophie turned around. “He had a bug-type, a flying-type, a fire-type and a rodent normal-type. Rock-types are super effective against the first three, the rat was just piss weak. Yah, reeeeal smart.”
“You realize that I can’t send you in to fight against any of the girlfriends at this gym now, right?”
The avian girlfriend finally fell silent, but only for a moment. “Well you’re boned then, aren’t you? You have two girlfriends, one who doesn’t have an offensive move and another who’s ineffective against rock-types.”
“All it means is that we have to catch some more girlfriends who are effective against rock-types, or at least not ineffective against them.”
“Good luck with that,” Sophie snorted. “What have we seen so far? Sophies, Macies, Chippies…” she counted them off her hand. “None of those will help us.”
“Let’s just keep training,” Starlotte piped, “I don’t know if I’m effective against rock types, but I’ll learn a new move eventually…”
“Even then, we still need more girlfriends. Even if we grind until you guys are level 20, you saw how strong Stone’s girlfriends were. And he wasn’t even the gym leader. Let’s just go back to Route 17 for now.”
“Nuh-uh. Not in the mood to battle,” Sophie said, crossing her arms.
Yoshi sighed. He looked towards the entrance to Route 21 in the distance. Two police dog Labbies, neither one the one he met before, were conversing. They saluted and one left, presumably to clock off.
He pulled his phone out. 4:38 pm. Swipe. 27 Coins. Swipe. 0 missed calls, 0 unread messages. He slipped it into his back pocket.
Asshat getting annihilated was the best thing he’d seen all day, even if it did present him with the new challenge. It also seemed to have upset Soph quite a bit. No point pushing the girls if they weren’t feeling it. “If Sophie’s not in the mood to battle, something is definitely wrong,” he teased. She stared back at him, stone-faced. “Let’s just keep walking around town for a bit. I don’t have many coins left, but I’ll get you guys some coffee and cake, how’s that sound?”
“Oooh! I’ve never had coffee or cake before, how do they taste?” Starry asked excitedly.
“You’ll see.” Yoshi extended a hand to her and she took it. He looked back over his shoulder to his bird-kin. “My other arm’s free.”
Sophie narrowed her eyes, jogging up to join them. “I ain’t a handbag.”
“Mmmmmmm!” Starlotte demolished her red velvet cake in record time.
“Slow down there, you might get heartburn,” Yoshi grinned.
Her fork clinked on her plate as she picked up her cappuccino with both hands and took a sip “It’s so warm, and smoo–!”
Soph slapped a serviette on her comrade’s face. “Foam lips. Hehe.” She snickered as the interstellar-type wiped her mouth.
Yoshi watched the exchange surreptitiously. Nothing like a bit of afternoon tea to relax a weary soul.
“You haven’t touched your cake, Soph.”
“Mmm.”
“You don’t like it?” Starry asked.
“No, and you can’t have any.” Soph responded, shooting Yoshi’s other girlfriend a sharp look. Starry blushed. “I’ve been people watching.”
“People watching?” Yoshi said, leaning on his hand.
“Yeah, checking out other girlfriends, sizing up their trainers.” Yoshi and Starry looked out into the crowd, silently observing the plethora of people bustling around Onyx.” I’m going to beat them all one day. Every. Single. One of them.”
“Well you got to get stronger first.” Yoshi stretched and stood up. “Feeling up for some training now?”
Sophie pushed her chair out. “Yeah, but we’re not going back to Route 17.”
Yoshi eyed his flying-type. “Where do you suggest we train, then?”
“There’s a pond or lake somewhere around here. There should be trainers and wild girlfriends there.”
Yoshi frowned. “How did you know that?”
“I don’t people watch for the sake of it,” Sophie said smugly. She pointed out to a group of half a dozen trainers tailed by their gaggle of girlfriends. “See those guys over there?�
�
“Yeah…?”
“What are they holding?”
“Fishing r–oh.”
Sophie folded her arms. “What would you do without me?”
“Something… happened.”
Starry was looking towards the trainers they had been tailing, but her eyes had a glazed look to them.
“What happened?” Yoshi asked. Soph was walking a little ahead, just out of earshot.
“I… can’t remember.” Starry suddenly stopped walking and clutched her head.
“Starry?” Yoshi stood in front of her and put his hands on her shoulders. “What’s wrong?”
“The Celeste Caverns… something happened there… I can’t…”
He collected her into his arms and gently placed his chin onto the top of her head.
“Hey what are you guys doing?” The bird-kin turned around. Yoshi gave the faintest shake of his head towards Soph. She hovered on the spot for a few seconds, turned around and kept walking forward.
Yoshi continued to cradle her, rocking between his feet. Starry’s shoulders eventually began to loosen. She looked up and blinked at Yoshi. “Sorry, I don’t know what happened just then.”
“That’s OK.” The sun bled peach and orange, ushering the night in. “Whatever happened… happened.”
And the award for the most reassuring statement of the year goes to…
“I’m OK.” Starlotte pulled back and Yoshi’s fingers disengaged. She broke into a run. “Soph! Wait up!”
It’d only been 48 hours since Yoshi laid eyes on her. As she ran into the sunset, he still thought that she was the most beautiful girlfriend he had ever seen, though that could have been skewed from his lack of experience. Only now did the questions start to crystalize. Why was she in Poke’s lab in the first place? What was she running away from? And what memory was she trying to suppress?
Yoshi pulled out his phone. His thumb hovered over Poke’s number. In the end, he slipped it back into his bag. Complete the mission, bang her, give her back to Poke.
“How the hell did I miss this?”
“Because you’re blind. And stupid,” Soph said.