Andy Deane

by The Sticks (epub)

  Jess wouldn't let me cut down the pine tree outside her living room window, so I just trimmed it up. As a matter of fact, I trimmed it to death. Once I got started on the job I found that I couldn't stop taking down branches, and the thing ended up resembling a pole more than a tree. Jessica was a little pissed at me about that, but let it slide without much of a reprimand.

  Things were going along quite well, when one night Jessica dropped a bomb on me by accident. We'd had a few drinks and Jessica was on the verge of being drunk. We were laughing about George's head wound when Jessica's tongue got loose and a missile aimed at my heart flew from her lips.

  "Yeah, I can't believe Alicia was fucking that Jeff guy. He's such a dick."

  She twitched when she realized what she had just spoken out loud. Then she tried to move on by reaching for the remote and asking what was on TV.

  "What?" was the only thing I could manage to say.

  "Oh Jesus, I'm sorry. That sounded terrible. She was seeing him before you two got together, so don't get the wrong idea."

  "So are you sure there was nothing going on between those two while we were together, or are you just trying to make me feel better?"

  She just sat there with a sympathetic look on her face.

  "Because look, I can take whatever the truth is here. I just need to get some sort of closure in my head, because right now all I have are questions and it's driving me fucking crazy."

  "Alright. All I know is people were whispering at the party about those two hooking up recently. But for all I know it was bullshit. And I've never been one to buy every slice of gossip someone tries to sell me. So if you're looking for closure, you're going to have to keep on looking, cowboy, because I'm in the dark with you on this one." I noticed that Jessica's eyes were glassy.

  "Well, since you were friends with her before I came into the picture maybe you can answer one thing for me. Was Alicia honest with anyone? I mean, did you trust her?"

  "I thought I could trust Alicia at first. But over time I started seeing through her, and by the time we stopped hanging out I was pretty glad to be rid of her. She could never seem to settle into one life. There was always something better just over the horizon. Like, one day she'd decide that she wanted to be an artist. She'd have all these grand plans in her head about painting a masterpiece and having it tour the world's museums. Then she'd go out and spend five hundred dollars on studio supplies and would drown herself in working at it for the next couple of weeks. But soon enough her fire would burn out and there'd be a box of art supplies gathering dust in the corner. And she was like that with people as well. She'd get bored with them after a while and just move on. And I was one of the casualties. Good thing for me is, I saw it coming."

  "Well I never saw her act that way while we were together."

  "Maybe you were blind. Or maybe she really wanted to make a change this time," said Jessica. "I mean, she might've been happy with her life for once. You're a pretty special guy, so maybe she just decided to try to stick it out with you."

  "And we can all see just how well that turned out. Once a liar, always a liar."

  "Don't be jumping all over her just yet. Sorry to be so blunt, but for all you know she's dead, so don't go ripping her apart until you know what really happened. Then you can tattoo 666 on her forehead and hate her with my blessings."

  "This Jeff thing seems to fit a little too well. I could tell he hated me the minute I came through the door at the party, but I had no idea why."

  "Well come on. How do you react when you see an ex's new fuck toy? I'm willing to bet you don't bake the guy cookies or throw him a parade."

  "Point taken. I guess I'll find out the truth of it all soon enough. In the meantime, I'll just keep living off of your sympathy and hope you don't start charging me for groceries," I said trying to lighten the mood a little.

  Jessica flashed the smile I loved so much and let out a laugh. Then she looked me dead in the eyes and said, "As long as you don't get boring on me I'll let you hang around for a while longer. And when I do kick you out, leave the cat. I've grown attached to the little guy. But for now, the adventure you've added to my life might just be doing me some good."

  "You think so, huh? I don't know if a monster attack qualifies as a good brand of exciting. Since you started hanging out with me your car got smashed and the thing responsible started hanging out here at night."

  "Yeah, but that thing that hangs out here at night is damned funny and kind of cute too."

  "I was talking about the monster."

  "So was I."

  "Smart-ass."

  The next day Jessica set out for work early in the morning. She was waiting tables at a restaurant called The Huntington which catered to people with plenty of money to burn. Most of the customers who ate there would spend half of my weekly pay on a single meal, and according to Jess they wouldn't blink when she laid their bill on the table. She made damn good money in tips and told me that a little flirting goes a long way. I'd pay well to have a waitress who looked like her, too.

  I decided to use our time apart to do a little investigating for myself. Part of my search would include a stop at Jeff's place. I had mentioned my plans to Jessica the night before, and she had urged me to leave it alone. She seemed to know more about this Jeff guy than she was letting on to, and warned me that nothing but trouble would come of me showing up on his doorstep with a mouthful of attitude. But the questions that had risen in my mind were starting to eat at me, and I was never one to just let something sit. My dad always said if something's wrong and you don't make any effort to fix it you flush your right to complain down the commode. It was great advice, especially for dad, because it meant he wouldn't end up having to hear much noise out of me. I learned to handle the shit life shovels in my face from time to time on my own.

  My first mission of the day was to track down Jeff and ask a few questions. I didn't know his last name or where he lived, so I figured I'd head back to Lisp's place to get what I needed out of him. I could've tried calling, but I thought he'd be more cooperative with me standing in his front yard. And I just knew that good old Lisp would be overjoyed by another visit from the party crasher from The Sticks.

  I hopped in the Mustang and headed down the road. I kept watching the woods around me for signs of the creature that had nearly scared the life out of me a few nights back. No matter how much thought I gave it, I had no idea how to handle the werewolf situation at all. I was terrified of the thing, but I wasn't going to call the police. My guess is they'd have hung up some thirty seconds or so into the call and then laughed about it amongst themselves for the next few days. This problem was mine to deal with on my own, if it was still a problem. I had hopes that whatever this thing was, I wouldn't have to see it again. Maybe it was gone or dead. I'd be just dandy either way.

  The day was clear and I had my favorite Iron Maiden CD blasting as I cruised down the road. It was fortunate I was a fan of loud music, because it covered up all the coughs and complaints the old car would hurl as it left a trail of smoke behind me. I noticed drivers in my rearview mirror kept their distance to avoid the smoke-screen. It looked like one of James Bond's gadgets got stuck in the on position. Or maybe James Bond on welfare.

  The car wheezed into Walnut Ridge and up to the front of Lisp's house. On the way I noticed that Alicia's car was gone, so I figured she might have been by there after all. Then again, maybe the car had been towed away and was keeping busy collecting daily storage fees at a wrecker yard. I parked in the street so I wouldn't leave a pool of oil in Lisp's driveway, and regretted the courtesy as soon as I turned off the engine. I walked up to his front door and rang the bell. I heard a rattling around inside and then a few footsteps getting louder as they approached the door. And then it got really quiet. Like no-one's-home-go-away quiet. I knew the little bastard was avoiding me, and I couldn't blame him considering I'd threatened to "rearrange his face" last time we'd talked on the phone. I rang again. No answer.


  So I started pounding on the door as I yelled, "Open this god damned door before I have to come through it you spineless piece of shit! I just need to ask you a question! Jesus!"

  A neighbor lady wearing a blue floral bathrobe walked onto her lawn in hair curlers and stared at me with an expression that was somehow both shocked and dull at the same time. I think the best two words to describe it are "bovine surprise." Her mouth hung a little ways open and I don't think she ever blinked. I waved at her and gave a sarcastic nod of my head before I started pounding on the door again. "Open the door you asshole before the Stepford Wives out here get me!"

  "Alright, thtop making tho muth noith!" came from inside as I heard the bolt slip back. I waved again at the zombie woman in curlers but she just kept on staring. I wanted to tell her to shut her mouth, but decided I'd made enough of an impression on the neighborhood for one day.

  "What do you want?" asked Lisp with one hand on his hip and the other holding the door open.

  "We still haven't been able to find Alicia, and I'm getting concerned here that something really bad has happened. She disappeared from your party, so whether you like it or not you're a part of this whole mess. And god-damn it, when I call or stop by you're going to have to take five minutes out of your precious fucking day to answer my questions. Got it?"

  "The polithe already talked to me about thith and I told them I didn't know anything. I don't need…" said Lisp, but then he stopped that train of thought with a shake of his head and continued, "What do you need to know?"

  "There was a big fellow in a turtleneck here named Jeff…"

  "I don't know anything about Jeff and Alithia!" said Lisp.

  "Obviously. Anyway, I just want his number, or better yet his address so that I can have a talk with him."

  "Well you're not going to get it out of me. I don't know what you're up to and I don't want any part in thith! Why can't you juth leave me alone?"

  "I'm one second away from forcing it out of you, pal. Don't make me do this the hard way." I added some grit in my voice and balled my fists for effect.

  I felt a little like the high-school bully. This was the third time I'd cursed at this guy and I didn't even know him. And a fight with good ol' Lisp would be completely ridiculous. I think it would involve me throwing one punch and then feeling a little guilty and proud as I watched him crying on the floor while wiping blood from my knuckles onto my jeans. It's no wonder the folks in Walnut Ridge keep the rest of the world out. We're trouble.

  I stared hard at him for about thirty seconds and then took a step forward. Until that step he'd been playing it cool as ice. He was eyeing me like a hungry young boxer and had his bird-chest standing out as far as it would go. But when I took that step, fear and desperation swept into his eyes like a sandstorm and his arms went up begging me to stop where I was. Then his mouth flew open and within a few seconds I knew more about Jeff Reed than his own mother.

  "Thanks a lot…ummm…I don't think I know your name fella. And after all we've been through together!"

  Lisp stared at me and said, "Franthith" as though the word was made of venom.

  I thought it was a terrible name for a guy with a lisp. Fate sure does play some amazing pranks on us humans sometimes.

  "Well have a nice day Li…Francis. I'll let you know if I need anything else, and you let me know if any word about Alicia reaches you. Got it?"

  "Yeth. Now can I clothe the door?"

  I smiled and turned away as the door shut behind me. The zombie woman next door was still staring my way with an open mouth, but she'd moved onto her porch so she could get inside quickly if I decided to attack her. I guess I was pretty scary in her eyes.

  CHAPTER 13

  Now I was a man on a mission. I decided to go straight to Jeff's place. I needed some answers and I wasn't willing to wait another day to get them. Patience was never one of my finer qualities.

  As it turned out, Jeff lived off the road Jessica lived on, except ten miles in the opposite direction. I drove through the woods that surrounded his place, and the whole time I couldn't shake this nagging feeling in my gut that something bad was about to go down. Problem was I'd never paid bad gut feelingsanywhere near the attention they deserved, and this was no exception. As usual, I had my instincts beaten and gagged in a trash bag in the trunk of the car.

  As I turned onto the gravel road Lisp had directed me to the feeling in my gut grew worse, and I started to wish I'd brought along my.44 for insurance. If this guy didn't appreciate me stopping by and decided to bring out the ol' twelve-gauge to end my days no one would ever know better. I figured Lisp might piece it together when he saw my face under a missing persons headline in the paper, but I didn't think he'd lift a finger to help find me.

  I passed by Jeff's house once without knowing it. After driving an extra five minutes down the pothole-ridden pavement I hit the end of the road, which was marked with a faded yellow, shotgun-pocked "dead end" sign, so I made a U-turn and went back in the direction I'd come, creeping along at about fifteen miles per hour. I'd have missed the driveway again if I hadn't caught a glimpse of a rusty mailbox in a tangle of weeds to my left.

  Jeff's place was set about twenty-five yards off the road, the driveway camouflaged with all the weeds and tall crabgrass smothering it, and the overgrown bushes on either side made me feel like I was heading into the crotch of a giant porn star from the '70s.

  As I pulled into his drive my stomach freaked out a little. I wanted to talk to Jeff, and wasn't there to start trouble. But trouble had a way of finding me anyway. It had most of my life. If trouble was an arrow, my ass was the bull's-eye. For all I knew Jeff was just another sucker who had fallen for Alicia the way I had. I don't think there's a man in the world that could resist her charm when she set it on high.

  The driveway was full of potholes that gave the shocks in the Mustang one hell of a workout. The bottom of the car scraped along the gravel a couple of times making me wonder which parts I'd be picking up off the road on my way out.

  I eventually came upon a big old farmhouse in need of serious renovation. Jeff's house was just plain creepy. The once white paint was now yellowed and cracked and a few of the windows were boarded over with ancient strips of grey lumber. The railing on the porch was leaning outward at a forty-five degree angle, and here and there the posts supporting it had fallen to the ground below. The lawn looked like it hadn't seen a lawn mower in five years, and garbage was scattered everywhere.

  I stepped onto the sagging porch, a little worried my foot was going to fall through the rotted wood, and knocked on the door. A few seconds later I heard the sound of heavy footsteps. I knew they belonged to Jeff. This little town in Virginia didn't have room for two guys his size.

  The door swung open with a squeak to reveal him standing there scowling at me. He didn't say a word and didn't bother opening the screen door to ask me in. He just stood there glaring at me with angry, electric-blue eyes. I just couldn't make up my mind about him; sissy or intimidating brute? Even though he was twice my size he still had that sissy look about him. Though his powder-blue turtleneck was missing, in its place was a tight pink turtleneck that did even less to state his masculinity. I decided to start the conversation as Jeff looked like he could dirty look me 'til his 401K paid out.

  I told him my name and he cut me off with, "I know who you are," and then went quiet again.

  "Hey look, I'm not here for any trouble, just looking to ask a couple of questions and then I'll be on my way."

  Ol' Pink Turtleneck just kept on staring, looking like the badass from a low budget gay porno. So I went ahead with the one-sided conversation, hoping the ice would break before I got too pissed off and decided to try my luck with breaking his jaw.

  "I don't know if you know, but the night of Lis…Francis's party Alicia went missing. No one's heard from her since, and I'm trying to figure out what the hell happened to her. Her apartment's a mess and it looks like there may have been a struggle there."
r />   I hoped I wasn't saying too much, because if Jeff was responsible for Alicia's disappearance he might decide to end my career as an amateur private-eye right there in his yard. But I wanted to try and get through to the guy without throwing fists if possible, so when Jeff opened the screen door I figured we'd made a little progress. But then he opened his big mouth.

  "How did you find out where I live? And what makes you think I'd know anything about that? I hardly even know her and I hadn't seen her in ages before the party." Jeff had a talent for lacing his voice with a great deal of fuck off, but he was a terrible liar and getting angrier by the second.

  When I noticed his fists trembling, I dropped the let's-be-friends act and started in on him. "Look man, just go ahead and cut the shit. I know you've been fucking her and frankly I don't give two shits about that. I just want to track her down and close this deal out so I can go on with the rest of my life without wondering what happened to her. And as to how I found out where this shit-hole of yours was, I forced it out of that asshole Francis. Now answer my goddamned questions and I'll go home. Then you can go back inside and figure out which pastel turtleneck you'll be unveiling tomorrow."

  That's just about the time I saw stars, blinked, and saw the sky. It was a real pretty sky…cobalt blue with white cotton clouds making animal shapes here and there.

  Now usually I'm pretty quick with the reflexes, but I wasn't expecting that blow at all. He was damned quick for a man his size. I think it was the turtleneck that threw me off. Nothing in a turtleneck punches, or so I'd thought, but life has a way of crapping on anything I have faith in.