DRACULAS (A Novel of Terror)
Page 53
Joe, maybe Maria wants to read the new stuff?
Here’s how I think it all plays out:
1. Jeff links Randall up with Clay (and Paul’s already written the scene when they meet up en route to the roof)…Jeff just extend from the last scene with Randall in 2.4…it’s like a couple paragraphs at most I think.
2. Joe needs to look at the Randall/Jenny reunion final scene in 2.4 and decide if he wants to add a scene from Jenny’s POV where she says she loves him, etc.
3. Clay goes into maternity ward per earlier email, kills everything, and leaves with my couple and their baby.
(I’ve made bolded notes in 2.4 where these scenes need to go…just use the search function and search for the asterisks in the manuscript*)
Let’s brainstorm in the next day or so about the order of scenes and from whose POV they’re written to wrap up the big finale.
Blake
• • •
It’s now 2.5. I gave it a quick read and corrected a few typos and corrected one of my movie quotes.
Blake — I fear you’ve done too much damage to Adam for him to be good for anything. A fractured humerus makes that arm good for nothing, and we need him helping get Stacie upstairs and stacking chairs and spilling blood later on.
Jeff — can we draw out Benny’s death just a tad more? He’s been such a great nemesis, I feel he needs little more drama - I’m talking maybe a dozen words or so. And maybe a drawn-out fart before he goes…I mean, making a clown a human whoopee cushion is kind of appropriate, yes?
BTW, how DO we get Stacie up to the roof?
WHAT IS CLAY DOING? HOW DOES THIS END FOR HIM? I’M NOT SURE IF HE’S JUMPING ONTO THE HELICOPTER SKIDS ANYMORE WITH HE ADAM GOING BACK INTO THE HOSPITAL.
Adam blows up, making meat confetti. Jenny tell Randall she loves him. He dies. Just as she’s surrounded, the army drops a bomb.
Shanna sees the explosion.
We cut away after that.
Back to Shanna later: Watches the helicopter come. Clay isn’t on it. She weeps.
Meets another survivor. Young guy. He’s calm and a bit flirtatious.
How about he’s dressed in scrubs? Looks vaguely familiar. (We need to set up that Mort’s changing back to human. He goes to doctors lounge for clean clothes - we don’t need to see him putting on scrubs)
Shanna’s in isolation in the trailer. She watches copter rescue and the hospital’s fiery demolition through the 1-inch glass window. The 4 kids are brought in. Dr. Driscoll hands her the baby (“I don’t do babies.”) Then a young guy shows up in scrubs. Says he’s Dr. Michaels, a pediatrician. He’ll take care of the squalling baby. When Driscoll returns, Shanna learns there is no Dr. Michaels.
DOES CLAY SURVIVE? REUNION WITH SHANNA?
I see Clay leaving Adam, rushing up to the roof and finding the stairwell clogged with draculas. Okay, he’ll find another way out. But as he’s passing the pediatrics floor, he’s compelled to detour and find his beloved Taurus Raging Bull (which Randall told him he left behind). He finds it, and as he’s cradling it, the hospital explodes around him. I like the contrast of him saving the human love of his life but dying while attempting to rescue a non-human love.
Paul
• • •
Nice job, everyone.
I did a global search-and-replace to unify all the punctuation, and saved it as 2.6. I’ll write the Jenny/Randall Reunion, then stick it in there.
I’ll also throw it on my wife’s Kindle and see if she digs it so far. So everyone please stay out of 2.6 for the time being while I work on it this morning. When I’m done I’ll save it as 2.7.
If Blake and Jeff want to add to their scenes as Paul suggested, you guys need to do it one at a time and coordinate so you don’t save different versions.
@Paul - I used the “my middle name is” joke with Clay during the infodump scene. I figure Clay’s daddy gave him the middle name “Rambo”, as a survivalist very well might. We could save that punch line until Clay does the “Careful” line at the end of your section, or we could kill it if you don’t like it.
Joe
• • •
Randall bit Benny…so he’s already infected.
Paul
• • •
Paul, Adam’s injury concerned me as well, and started to really get on my nerves because I had to mention it constantly…I’ll go back into 2.whatever it is later tonight, and dial that back to a bruise or something so he can be ready to help Clay…and re: getting Stacie up to the roof…it’s just one flight, so I think maybe they’ll have to struggle to carry her stretcher and the (blood-transfusion stand thingy - what do they call those?)
I like your thoughts on Clay’s journey to the end. I’m for it.
Re: Moorecook…here’s where we need some magic…I love what Joe did earlier, implying he was undergoing some change, but I don’t want to telegraph that he’s truly changing back to human…maybe we need an ambiguous Mort section, (Joe?) hinting that he’s undergoing a reverse metamorphoses, but nothing anyone would suspect might lead him back to full on external humanity.
So after this young pediatric doctor has taken the baby, perhaps we have a scene in his POV (I know exactly how to do it), and only in the last paragraph do we realize this is Mort, heading back out into the world.
Blake
• • •
works for me
Paul
• • •
I was planning on doing the exact Mort/change scene you describe, Blake, right after the Jenny scene I’m working on.
Will be done in a bit, and add it to the manuscript.
Joe
• • •
You could dunk a cross in a pool of urine while environmentalists burned the American flag and Randall would not have been more outraged than he was at the sight of Benny the Clown holding his precious chainsaw.
Awesome line, Jeff.
Joe
• • •
Funny how Jeff and I both have adult male characters in love with their toys.
Paul
• • •
And they’re also able to provide their women with the best sex they’ve ever had in their lives!
Jeff
• • •
In the dropbox. Added the Jenny scene and the Moorecook scene, extended the Randall saves Jenny scene for a bit more emotional impact, and made a few minor fixes.
Randall doesn’t get bitten. He’s going to change because he swallowed some of Benny. That’ll start to happen once they’re on the roof.
As for getting Shanna up the stairs, I’m thinking a piggy-back, which would be rough enough that she’d lose more blood than she’s getting from the IV. Pretty extreme stuff, having a woman on your back who is sluicing blood down her legs. That could be how she dies…
Joe
• • •
We know you mean Stacie — I’ll get them all to the roof (via Clay) and maybe Blake can take the switch to Adam’s POV when he realizes she’s gone.
Paul
• • •
Exactly, but don’t kill her quite yet…make her almost dead, but conscious. I want Stacie and Adam to have a nice last moment. I can’t believe we’re putting this nice couple through this.
Blake
• • •
LOL. Yeah, Stacie.
This is funny, because in your new section you just called Shanna “Jenny.”
I say we just call every character by the sexually ambiguous name “Chris” and let the readers sort it out…
Joe
• • •
Draculas 2.8 is up wherein Adam’s arm is no longer broken.
Blake
• • •
Just put up Clay 5.2 (cont) which picks up where Clay 5.2 cut off.
It ends with Clay, Stacie, Adam, and Daniella on the stairs, heading for the roof. I’m handing off to Blake to pick up as they emerge onto the roof.
Paul
• • •
&
nbsp; Nice scenes, Paul.
Okay, here’s where we’re all at:
Jeff, you next scene is Randall going up the stairs, protecting the kids. They’re walking up four flights with Clay, Stacie, et all. Randall will take the rear, keeping the draculas back. When he gets to the roof, he and Clay barricade the door. Then Randall loses one of his teeth.
Blake, your next scene is Stacie dying of blood loss once she gets to the roof. Adam says goodbye to her.
My scene is Jenny seeing Randall’s missing tooth, and watching him lose another. As the draculas are breaking in, Clay wants to shoot Randall. Jenny won’t let him. Randall insists he’ll fight it.
Jeff, your scene is Randall’s transformation. As a full blooded dracula, with a chainsaw, he kills a few dozen.
While that’s happening, Paul, Clay is loading on the four boys onto the chopper. During the evac, Adam gets bitten.
Blake, Adam knows what being bitten means. He says goodbye to his daughter, gives them to the TV people. Asks Clay for his gun, wanting to kill as many of them as possible. Clay says, “I’ve got a better idea—why not kill them all?”
My scene: Randall is mortally wounded. Clay and Adam walk by, tell Jenny the chopper is ready. Jen says she’s staying. Chopper takes off.
Clay and Adam setting the bombs is already written. Paul, need a quick scene of Clay running like hell for a window just as the explosion happens.
My last scene with Jenny. Randall dies. Jenny looks up at the Army, which has arrived. Big old bomb drops on the hospital.
Wrap up.
Joe
• • •
Nicely done, Joe, this is super helpful…don’t forget Clay’s death scene…I think you have your work cut out for you convincing me Jenny stays on the roof to die with Randall, tho. There’s no way he’s going to let her do that.
So only Shanna, Mort, and baby Murray survive?
That’s kind of cool…I want to really hint strongly in the final scene that, even though Shanna is grieving for Clay, there’s this connection with this new doctor. She’s crying, he embraces her. Something familiar about him. How cool would it be if Mort gets the girl in the end, and she doesn’t know it’s him?
Blake
• • •
Paul’s dispatching of Oasis…I think we have a winner in the most disgusting disturbing, carve-your-eyes-out-with a grapefruit spoon moment in a book chockfull of them. Well done, sir. This scene kicked major ass.
Blake
• • •
Sounds good. I’ll be able to upload much chainsaw mayhem tomorrow.
Jeff
• • •
Don’t ask me where that came from…I don’t want to know. Really.
Paul
• • •
Here’s an expansion, plus some tweaks that take into account timelines, etc. of what Joe passed around earlier today. I also put this in the dropbox. Thoughts? We okay with this?
GUIDE TO WRITING THE END — a lot of these are short short scenes, and I’ve broken it out like this to help me assemble it all in the end.
PAUL: Kickass scene where Clay saves Adam, Stacie and baby and gets them heading up toward the roof — already written.
JEFF: Randall going up the stairs, protecting the kids. They’re walking up four flights. Randall will take the rear, keeping the draculas back. They approach the roof, but don’t get there yet in this scene…Randall loses one of his teeth.
BLAKE: Stacie, Adam, baby and Clay arrive on the roof. Randall and Jenny are already there. Clay goes off to help Randall bar the door, and then help Jenny with the kids and the copter. Stacie’s death scene. Adam says goodbye.
JOE: Jenny seeing Randall’s missing tooth, and watching him lose another. As the draculas are finally arriving at the barricaded door, beginning to beat on it, Clay wants to shoot Randall. Jenny won’t let him. Randall insists he’ll fight it.
JEFF: Randall’s transformation. Draculas break through, and as a full blooded dracula, with a chainsaw, he kills a few dozen.
BLAKE: Adam is attacked in the chaos while he’s mourning over Stacie, Adam gets bitten trying to protect her body, Randall chainsaws another dracula and saves Adam from being torn apart.
PAUL: While that’s happening, Clay is helping to load the four boys onto the chopper, still holding Adam’s daughter, Daniella. The first wave of Draculas have been killed, a moment of quiet on the roof.
BLAKE: Adam knows what being bitten means. He goes to Clay, takes his daughter, says goodbye, then gives them to the TV people. Asks Clay for his gun, wanting to kill as many of the draculas as possible, and then kill himself before he turns. Clay says, “Actually, that can be arranged.”
JOE: Randall is mortally wounded. Clay and Adam walk over, tell Jenny the chopper is ready. Jen says she’s staying until he’s gone (important: she isn’t saying I’m going to stay up here and die with you, she expects to be picked up when the chopper comes back and Randall’s gone). Chopper takes off. Set up that she expects to see the friendly TV chopper again…hahahha.
PAUL: Clay and Adam setting the bombs as already written and Adam’s death scene as it all goes up (from his detonation)
JOE: Last scene with Jenny. Randall dies. Draculas are running up the stairs again. Hears Adam’s explosion. Jenny thinks the TV helicopter has returns, looks up, but it’s an Army helicopter. BUT DON’T EXPLAIN WHAT THE CHOPPER IS DOING. Maybe she just sees the soldiers lug something out of the chopper, and it lands with a big thud on the helipad and cracks the cement and then the chopper pulls quickly away. - but no explosion yet.
PAUL: Scene with Shanna in the parking lot seeing the 1st (Adam) explosion and talking with creepy Dr. Driscoll. I’d like it to end with her seeing the helicopter going up to the hospital (as she’s being dragged toward quarantine — but are we sure about this because how will Mort reach her in quarantine? What if Driscoll gives her a choice: Quarantine for 24 hours or a painful test (I’ll let you figure out the details, Paul) which will tell instantly if she’s infected. I like the idea that this infection is already very much on the Army’s radar) and asking are they rescuing more people? One of the soldiers, or maybe Driscoll smirks and says, “Not exactly.”
JOE: Super short, like two or three sentence scene where Jenny approaches the big gray sphere of metal that has landed on the helipad.
PAUL: Clayton fuckin’ Theel’s death. Goes back down for his Tauras, instead of running out to safety when he could’ve made it) and big, big boom.
PAUL: We see the hospital blow from Shanna’s POV, and then…
six hours later - dawn
SHANNA: the hospital a smoking pile of rubble…Shanna still in shock. Clayton hasn’t come out. She knows. The army is done with her but she can’t make herself leave. Place is still crawling with media and army and law enforcement. She sees a young, attractive man (younger than she is) in scrubs, his face blackened, holding a little baby. This pulls her out of her heartbreak, briefly. She approaches him…I think we know where this is going…
Blake
• • •
Nice work, Blake.
I like everything, but I’m still not sure why Clay has to die. I still like a final scene where he crawls out of the rubble, his Taurus in his hand.
Or at least make it ambiguous if he died or not, so we could use him again if needed.
Everything else I’m 100% with.
Joe
• • •
I think you’ve got a point…Clayton might be my favorite character of the bunch. A helluvalotta fun. Paul, how strongly do you feel about killing him?
Blake
* * *
September 17, 2010
I like the symmetry of him dying with his beloved Taurus. But we can sort of have that cake and eat it too with a coda showing one of those search dogs sniffing out a survivor in the rubble who manages to say he’s deputy Clayton R. Theel.
Paul
• • •
As they start to pull the rubbl
e off him, he hands them the Taurus. “Here. Take her first.”
Paul
• • •
That’s a problem we need to address. Even though we came at them independently, the couple dynamics of both relationships are too similar. We need to change that. The couple scenes strike me as repetitious.