Heart Trouble

by Jae

  Jill pulled out a stool from the kitchen island. “Sit and talk to me.” She climbed up next to her and waited.

  Laleh hooked her feet over the rungs of the bar stool and traced invisible patterns on the island with her index finger, not knowing where to start—or if she even should.

  “Tell me at least this much: are you okay?” Jill asked.

  Laleh managed a faint smile. “Define okay.”

  The wrinkle of concern on Jill’s forehead deepened. “What happened? You seemed to be fine, and then suddenly, out of the blue, you…” Her eyes widened. “It didn’t bother you to see me and Crash kiss, did it? You always seemed to be okay with two women kissing.”

  “I am. Really.” Laleh glanced at her and then back to the gleaming top of the kitchen island. Almost inaudibly, she added, “But when one of the women is me, it gets a little more complicated.”

  Jill swayed and nearly toppled off her bar stool. “Did you just say…? Holy shit! You kissed a woman?”

  “Ssh!” Laleh’s gaze darted toward the living room, where the party was in full swing. “Not so loud!”

  “You kissed a woman?” Jill repeated in a whisper that still sounded much too loud to Laleh.

  She nodded. It felt so surreal now.

  “Who?”

  “Hope.”

  “Hope? You mean…your friend, the doctor? That Hope?”

  Laleh nodded again. “The one and only.”

  “Wow.” Jill shook her head back and forth as if that would help her process the news. “You never mentioned she’s family.”

  “Family?”

  “Gay. Lesbian. A dyke. A queer lady. A—”

  “Okay, okay. I get the drift. I didn’t mention it because I didn’t think it mattered.”

  “Didn’t matter?” Jill echoed. “Girl, you kissed her! Of course it matters!”

  “I didn’t plan to. I’m not even sure who kissed who. She lost a patient today…a little girl, and I gave her a hug, and it just felt so natural to touch her lips…”

  “With your own?”

  Laleh sighed. “It sounds stupid, right?”

  “No. It sounds gay…or at least bisexual.”

  Again that word. Was that what she was now? Her head spun.

  “Have you ever done that before?” Jill asked. “Kissed a woman?”

  “Heck, no!”

  Jill turned on her stool to face her more fully. “Ever wanted to?”

  Laleh vehemently shook her head. “Never. At least I don’t think so. I mean, there are some good-looking women in LA. It’s not like I didn’t notice that, but the thought of kissing them never crossed my mind. I’m straight. At least I thought so. Now I’m just confused.”

  Jill took her hand and squeezed it.

  No tingles. No goose bumps. Not the slightest urge to lift Jill’s hand to her mouth and kiss it. The mere thought seemed so absurd that Laleh shook her head. But then again, Jill was her friend and she was in a relationship, so even if Laleh were gay or bi, she probably wouldn’t be attracted to her.

  “You really should talk to Grace,” Jill said.

  Laleh shot her a doubtful look. How was Jill’s friend, the movie star, supposed to help her?

  “Really,” Jill said. “Your situation reminds me of what she went through when she met Lauren. She swore up and down that she was straight, and now… Well, you saw them.”

  “It’s not the same.”

  Jill smiled.

  “It’s not,” Laleh said with more emphasis. “Really. My situation is completely different.”

  “Because you’re Persian-American, with parents who are pretty traditional?”

  “No. Well, there’s that too. But…” She chewed her bottom lip.

  “But…what?”

  Laleh directed her gaze back to the kitchen island. “I can’t tell you.”

  “Can’t…or don’t want to?”

  “I want to, but you’ll think I’m crazy.”

  Jill leaned her shoulder against Laleh’s. “I work in Hollywood. I’ve seen plenty of crazy. I don’t think anything you tell me could shock me.”

  “Trust me. This will shock you.”

  “You’ll never know if you don’t tell me,” Jill said.

  Laleh hesitated. Should she…? Not being able to tell her family or anyone else about what had been going on with her had been hard. Sure, she had discussed their strange link with Hope, but she’d been too involved to give her a fresh perspective on it. And Jill had been through so much in her life that she was pretty unflappable.

  “Can we go somewhere more private?” Laleh glanced toward the living room, where the other guests were still partying. If they stayed here, it wouldn’t be long until people started wandering into the kitchen in search of more beer or their hostess.

  “Sure. Do you mind using my bedroom?” Jill asked. “Stairs aren’t my friend today.”

  “The bedroom is fine.”

  Jill led her to the bedroom. “Sit.” She cleared a sweatshirt off a chair and then flopped down on the bed and looked at her expectantly.

  Laleh sank onto the chair, took a deep breath, and released it slowly. Okay. Here goes nothing. “When my mother took me to the ER a couple of months ago, I collapsed. My heart stopped.”

  “What? You never told me it was that bad! You said it was just some arrhythmia.”

  “Well, technically, it was. I figured you had plenty of your own doctor stories to tell, plus you were about to audition for the role in Engine 27, so you didn’t need to hear all the graphic details.”

  Jill got up from the bed and grabbed hold of her shoulders. Her green eyes sparked. “Just because I have MS doesn’t mean I need to be coddled! I want to know the details of my friends’ lives, no matter what they are or what’s going on in my own life.”

  Laleh swallowed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to shut you out. It’s just… There was so much going on afterward and…”

  Jill’s grip softened. “What happened?”

  “The doctors—or rather Hope—defibrillated me and got my heart to beat normally again. But in the process, Hope got zapped too.”

  “Jesus!” Jill sucked in a breath through her teeth. “Isn’t that dangerous?”

  “I wouldn’t recommend it; that’s for sure. But she’s fine. Well, at least physically.”

  A wrinkle formed between Jill’s brows. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “That’s the part that will make you think I’m crazy. We think that the jolt of energy that went through both of us created some kind of…bond.”

  “You mean like a shared experience that brought you closer?” Jill asked.

  “No.” Laleh wiped her damp brow and shifted her weight on the chair. How the heck did you explain something like this without coming across like a complete lunatic? “Ask me a question about MS that you don’t think a layperson could answer.”

  “What? What’s the MS got to do with—?”

  “Ask. Please.”

  Jill lifted both hands. “Okay, okay.” Her gaze went to the wall. “Here’s my one-million-dollar question: why is MS called a snowflake disease?”

  Laleh barely needed to pause to think about her answer. “Because the symptoms differ from person to person, depending on where in the CNS the inflammatory process damages the myelin.”

  “Wow.” Jill blinked once. “You read up on it.”

  “I didn’t. I know as much about medicine as Hope does.”

  “Oh, come on. She’s a doctor.”

  “I’m not exaggerating.” Laleh’s gaze went to the door, making sure it was firmly closed so no one could overhear their conversation. “This stays between you and me, okay?”

  Jill gave her a look. “Since when do we need to preface our conversations like that? You know I can keep a secret. I won’t even tell Crash if you don’t want.”

  “I know. Sorry. I don’t mind Crash knowing. It’s just…” Laleh sighed. Okay, out with it. “After we both got shocked by the defibrillator,
we discovered that I suddenly have the medical knowledge of a trained emergency physician—and Hope speaks Farsi fluently. That’s what I meant when I said there’s a bond between us.”

  Jill’s lashes fluttered against her cheeks. She plopped back down onto the bed, bouncing a few times. “You’re not shitting me, are you?”

  “I wish I were. And there’s more.”

  “More?” Jill echoed.

  Laleh nodded. She again debated if it was really a good idea to tell Jill everything. But she’d already said so much; she might as well tell her the rest. “At first, we only shared knowledge. But then, as we spent more time together, it became emotional.”

  “You mean you have feelings for each other?”

  “No. Yes. That too…I think.” Boy, she was confusing not just Jill, but herself too. “What I meant is that there’s a connection between us. An empathetic link or something. I can feel what she’s feeling and the other way around.”

  Jill stared at her. Only her pupils flicked back and forth; the rest of her seemed frozen. “Are you sure that’s what it is? I mean, you’re very compassionate. You usually realize whenever I’m not doing so great, without me having to say anything.”

  “It’s more than that,” Laleh said. “When Hope visited her…a relative’s grave when she was in Boston, I felt her sadness all the way to LA, and I didn’t even know she was planning to visit the cemetery.”

  Finally, Jill blew out a long breath. “I take it back,” she murmured.

  Laleh’s stomach muscles quivered. “Take what back?”

  “Apparently, you can shock me. Jesus, Laleh! That’s some strange shit!”

  A nervous chuckle burst from her. “You can say that again. It really took some getting used to.”

  “I bet.” Jill shook her head. “Wow.”

  They sat in silence for a while, only the laughter and conversations from the living room drifting in through the closed door.

  “Well,” Jill finally said, “one thing’s for sure. If each of you can really sense what the other is feeling, the sex is gonna be mind-blowing!”

  Heat crept up Laleh’s neck until even the tips of her ears were burning. “That’s just it. I’m not sure I should even kiss her again, much less…”

  “That bad?”

  “No! No. It was…” Laleh’s eyes drifted closed without a conscious move on her part. She opened them wide. Quietly, she whispered, “It was wonderful. But that’s not the issue here. How can I be sure that I really want to kiss her?”

  “Okay. Now you lost me. Why wouldn’t you want to? Because you’re afraid that means you might be gay?”

  “No. Because I’m afraid I might not be.”

  Jill put her elbows on her thighs and let her chin sink onto her hand. “Help! Are you speaking Farsi? I think I need a translator or something.”

  “What if this attraction I’m feeling isn’t mine? What if I’m just reacting to what Hope is feeling for me?”

  Jill went very quiet. She studied Laleh. “Is that possible? But earlier, when you ran out of here like a bat out of hell, you could sense that something was wrong with her, right? You knew it was her emotion, not yours.”

  “Yeah. Sometimes, I can tell, but not always. Sometimes, I get angry or sad for no good reason, and it feels exactly like my own emotions. And it’s not just fleeting feelings. After the shock… I didn’t only get Hope’s knowledge, but also something less tangible—her sense of direction and her food preferences. Remember when we were at the premiere and I ate all those olives?”

  “Devouring is more like it.”

  “Exactly. And I never liked them. But Hope does. Same with mint chocolate chip ice cream. Since this link thing started, I suddenly like things I didn’t care for before.”

  “So you think your attraction to her might be the same?” Jill asked. “One little defibrillation accident and…poof…you’re gay?”

  “I don’t know what to think, Jill. How can I be sure that I really want this…want her?”

  “Hmm.” Jill slid her hand around and massaged her neck. “Good question. What does Hope think?”

  Laleh looked away. “I didn’t ask. There…um…wasn’t exactly a lot of talking going on when I went over to her place earlier. We kissed, and then I kinda ran out on her.” The more she thought about it, the more she regretted it. How could she have left Hope after the day she’d had?

  “Oh, hell, woman.” Jill regarded her with a shake of her head. “That won’t work.”

  “What?”

  “Running. Trust me on that. If running from yourself and your feelings were an Olympic sport, I’d have a shelf full of gold medals instead of three Oscars for… Oh, wait. I don’t have any Oscars.” An impish grin darted across Jill’s lightly freckled face and then disappeared. “You have a lot to think about. Let her help you figure it out.”

  “I want to, but…won’t it muddy the waters? I don’t see things clearly when I’m with her.”

  “Of course it’s muddy. We’re talking about love, not sterile science.”

  “Love?” Laleh shook her head with vehemence. “I never said I was in love with her. I said attraction.” Hadn’t she? This was all moving much too fast.

  Jill smiled, got up from the bed, and gave Laleh a nudge to make her get up too.

  “What are you doing?”

  With a firm grip on her arm, Jill dragged her from the bedroom and then to the front door. “I’m kicking you out.”

  “Wow. You flunked Hospitality 101, didn’t you?”

  Jill laughed. “You can thank me later. Now go talk to Hope.” Before Laleh could react, she pushed her over the doorstep, said “good luck,” and closed the door.

  Laleh stood outside, her head spinning.

  A firecracker going off somewhere in the darkness beyond Jill’s house made her flinch. She looked at her wristwatch. It was a quarter past eleven. Should she just go home and ring in the new year in bed, the blanket pulled up over her head, or was she ready to face Hope?

  * * *

  “Jordan…” Hope switched the phone to the other ear. “I appreciate it, really, I do. But I’m not in the mood for a party.”

  “I heard what happened with the girl,” Jordan said, her tone uncharacteristically serious. “I’m really sorry. But you know it’s inevitable in our job. Sometimes, no matter what you do or how good you are, it’s not enough. And I admit you’re pretty good—for someone who’s not a surgeon.”

  “Thanks…I think,” Hope mumbled.

  “Don’t you think it would do you some good to go out, meet new people, and distract yourself a little instead of staying home, brooding over things you can’t change?”

  It’s not that, Hope wanted to say. Yes, she was still sad about the little girl, but now, several hours later, she’d been able to distance herself a little. But if she told Jordan that, her curious friend would immediately want to know what else was up with her.

  “Come on. You know you want to.”

  Hope snorted. “Is that your best line? It’s a wonder women fall for that.”

  “What can I say? I’ve got a way with the ladies. Speaking of which…” Jordan lowered her voice. “There’s a hottie here with beautiful dark eyes that I think you could really go for.”

  Just what she did not need. One woman with beautiful dark eyes making her lose her sanity was more than enough. “Maybe another time, Jordan.”

  “Are you sure? Spending New Year’s Eve alone is for when you’re an old, crazy cat lady, not for now.”

  “I don’t like cats,” Hope said.

  “Liar. I’ve seen you with the stray that sometimes hangs out in the staff parking lot. So?” Jordan drawled. “Come on. Only for an hour or two. If you hurry, you can make it before midnight. The party is just around the corner from you.”

  The doorbell rang.

  Saved by the bell. “Sorry. I have to go. There’s someone at the door.”

  “Ooh! Why didn’t you just say you already had your own party
for two planned?”

  “That’s not it. Probably just a neighbor who wants to borrow some chairs or something for his own party.” She walked over to the door and turned her attention outward.

  Insecurity and nervousness hit her in quivering waves, coming from right outside the building.

  Laleh! It wasn’t a neighbor at the door. Laleh was back! Had she come to tell Hope it had all been a bad idea and they could never be more than friends? Did she maybe even want to cut off all contact for good?

  Her breathing sped up until she was almost hyperventilating. She ended the call and afterward wasn’t sure whether she’d even said good-bye. She’d have to apologize to Jordan later, but right now, she could only focus on Laleh. Without asking who was there through the intercom, she pressed the buzzer to let her in.

  She waited in the doorway, holding on to the frame with both hands.

  The ping of the elevator doors opening drifted across the landing.

  Get yourself together. She’d never been such a bundle of nerves over a woman before. But the admonishment didn’t help, because this wasn’t just any woman.

  Laleh stepped into sight. She was pale, her dark eyes appearing almost black against her skin. Despite her pallor, she looked beautiful.

  Their gazes met across the landing, and Laleh approached still keeping eye contact. “Hi,” she said when she stopped in front of Hope.

  “Hi.” She shuffled her feet and then realized she was blocking the doorway. Quickly, she stepped aside. “Come on in.”

  Laleh closed the door behind them and followed her into the living room.

  Instantly, the condo felt more complete. Jesus. She was turning into a sentimental fool.

  Laleh stopped in front of the Christmas tree and trailed her fingertips over one of the bare branches. The gentle caress made Hope shudder as if Laleh were touching her.

  “You still don’t have any ornaments,” Laleh said.

  “I have the elf hat.” Would Laleh still be in her life, helping her pick out decorations, next Christmas?

  Laleh pulled her hand back from the branch and turned toward her.

  They looked at each other in silence. Energy seemed to ping-pong back and forth between them through their link.

  “I’m sorry,” Laleh said after a while.