Razing Kayne

by Julieanne Reeves

Her reddening cheeks darkened.

  Hm. What was that all about? He nudged her with his elbow. “You know, to make up for stalking you.”

  “That one is for Grace.” She nodded to the plate in front of him.

  “What else should I put on it?”

  “Not much. She won't eat anything if the foods are touching in any way.”

  That surprised a laugh out of him. “Natalia was just like that.”

  “Who?” Jessica made eye contact with him for the first time.

  “She was my daughter.” God, he didn't want to talk about this. Why the fuck had he even mentioned her?

  “Was?” Jessica’s voice was soft and hesitant.

  He looked toward the snow-covered hill, watching Ash snowboard down it. “She was about Gracie's age when she died. Two years ago.”

  “Oh, God. I'm so sorry, Kayne.” She rested her dainty hand on his forearm.

  He couldn't help but look down, surprised at the strength in her grip. When he saw the tears welling up in her eyes, he had to look away, feeling his own threaten to do the same. He didn't want her pity.

  Taking a quick step back he said, “I'll go get Ash for you.” Then he quickly walked away.

  Kayne needed the walk to clear his head. He tried so hard to keep his kids off his mind, pissed at himself for mentioning Natalia to a stranger. He had no idea what the hell he was doing here. He'd planned on staying away from Jessica and her kids. He needed to stay away from them, because he knew one of these nights, as he sat on his couch with a bottle of whiskey and his loaded firearm on the coffee table in front of him, that he was going to screw up his courage and actually pull the trigger.

  He never wanted to give anyone the chance to miss him the way he missed his children. He would not break someone the way Oksana had broken him.

  Kayne watched Ash board down the little hill until he stopped next to him. “Lunch is ready.”

  “I just want to board.”

  Yeah, Kayne knew that feeling. Getting lost in some virgin powder sounded really fucking good right now. “There will be other times.” Kayne held out his hand. “Come on, I'll pull you back.”

  Ash took his hand without hesitation, his trust absolute, and Kayne remembered another little hand reaching out with unyielding faith. That little boy had been younger, not quite four.

  Ash followed Kayne through the buffet line, copying his every move. They piled lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, and onions on huge, juicy cheeseburgers. Everything Kayne scooped onto his plate, Ash did too. Kayne wondered, for a moment, if Niki would have done the same as he grew older. He shoved the thought away; it was no use to think such things. His son was dead.

  Knowing Ash was watching his every move, Kayne skipped the frosty beer he really wanted, and grabbed a bottle of ice cold root beer instead. He took the seat on the end of the picnic table, leaving a space between him and Isabelle as a buffer. He would eat and then leave.

  Suddenly Isabelle jumped up and started dancing around. “I have to go potty!”

  Jessica stood up, still holding Gracie. “Will you see if you can get her to eat something?” She plopped Gracie into Kayne’s lap, grabbed Isabelle's hand, and took off running without waiting for a response.

  Gracie took a half-dozen bites off his plate then started rubbing her eyes with chubby little fists.

  “Someone's sleepy,” Polly observed.

  “Play in snow!” Gracie pouted, turning those big blues pleadingly toward him.

  Kayne patted his shoulder. “Lay your head down until everyone is done eating.”

  She nodded and snuggled up in his arms, laying her head against his chest and placing her fist over his heart. Like Natalia used to do. It was as if he was holding his daughter, and that thought sent a chill down his spine.

  Kayne closed his eyes tightly and hummed a few bars of a Russian lullaby. Pulling the baby in close, he fought the waves of pain and longing that threatened to pull him under. He hadn't realized the Kevlar vest he'd been wearing last time had also been protecting his heart. It had protected him from remembering what it truly felt like to hold his daughter, as he held Gracie now.

  He'd loved holding Natalia like this. Inhaling shampoo, baby powder, and innocence. He'd read her stories about princesses in faraway castles and knights who slayed monsters. On Sunday mornings, he'd curled up with his son on the couch, reading the sports section and the comics while his girls slept in. He remembered rocking Tasha to sleep in the old wooden rocking chair. He'd never had the chance to get to know his baby girl, and that fucking killed him.

  Goddammit, he didn't want to remember. It hurt so fucking much. He didn't understand how a heart already dead could die a little more. But by holding Gracie like this, his just had.

  FIVE

  When Jess walked back into the ramada, Kayne's eyes were closed. Gracie lay sleeping against his chest, his large hands holding her lovingly close. Yet his expression was anything but peaceful. The lines in his face spoke of pain.

  She laid a hand on his shoulder, and he jumped as if she'd tasered him. Eyes the color of thunderheads met hers for an instant before he looked away, revealing unshed tears and unbearable pain. Her own heart felt as if it were breaking in response.

  He stood quickly, his hands unsteady as he transferred Gracie into her arms. Without a word, he walked to the edge of the ramada and stared toward the snow-covered mountains.

  “Can we go play in the snow?” Ash asked. “Kayne promised.”

  Kayne spoke, his voice gruff, barely above a whisper. “Clean up whatever Mama tells you to first.” He walked toward the snow hill without a backward glance.

  The three kids scrambled to their feet and quickly bused the table without argument. They wasted no time in following after him.

  Jess looked around, making sure she wouldn’t be overheard by anyone else at the picnic. Judge Johnson had most of the remaining picnic attendees attention; telling one of his tall-tale fishing stories. “What did I miss?” It was obvious something had happened.

  Polly leaned in close. “It was the strangest thing...he looked close to tears.”

  Del interrupted her. “He lost his wife and children a couple years ago.”

  “He said his daughter died.” Jess watched Kayne lead the kids up the hill. He hadn't said anything about a wife or more than one child.

  Del studied her closely. “Is that all he said?”

  Jess nodded. Surely it couldn't be worse than that.

  “I should tell you to ask him, but...look, all I'll say is that his wife drowned their children, waited until he got home, and shot herself right in front of him. Anything else you're going to have to get from him.”

  Jess stared at Del in wide-eyed horror. She couldn't have heard him correctly. “Oh, dear merciful God!” She managed to croak out.

  Jess wasn't naïve. Having been a dispatcher, she was regrettably aware of what the worst of humanity had to offer. She knew how badly it hurt to lose a loved one, but she couldn’t begin to understand how Kayne could still function after losing everything that mattered. Worse, his children had died at the hands of the one person who should have protected them the most. She didn't understand how anyone could cope with that type of loss.

  “Oh, sweetie, it's okay.” Polly wrapped her arms around Jess. It wasn't until then that Jess realized she was crying.

  She brushed the tears away. “When?”

  “It was about the same time Jarred died, so maybe you don't remember it. They suspected Kayne for a while, because they never found the baby's body. But I've seen inside that boy's soul, and there’s no way he could have done what they tried to accuse him of. Now, enough of this depressing gossip, why don't you go play and let me have that baby?” Del pried a still-sleeping Grace out of her arms.

  From the bottom of the hill, Jess watched Kayne, with Isabelle on his lap, line their disks up with the other kids on an imaginary line.

  “On your mark, get set...go!” Kayne reached over and gave Ash a big push, the
n did the same for Maddy before he shoved off himself. They came screaming and giggling down the hill and finally stopped a few feet away from her.

  “Will you race me, Mommy?” Ash asked excitedly.

  “Sweetie, there aren't enough sleds.”

  “Here, ride with ‘Sabella.” Kayne held out the disc for her to accept.

  “I think I've climbed that hill enough for one day.”

  “Just once?” Kayne asked.

  Even with his emotions in check, she could still see the sadness. She wanted to wrap her arms around him and not let go. Not good.

  “Once,” she relented.

  They all cheered.

  ***

  Three runs later, Jessica stood again at the top of the hill, Kayne by her side. The last run had ended in a tie, and the children demanded a rematch between Kayne and her. They would be the judges.

  “I don't know why you bothered coming up the hill; you know I'm going to win,” Kayne taunted.

  “Uh, probably because you threw me over your shoulder and dragged me, kicking and screaming, like some Neanderthal.” She huffed. She still couldn't believe he'd done that. Acted as if she weighed nothing.

  “Trust me, short-stuff, if I'd gone caveman, we wouldn't be standing on a hill talking. You'd be naked in my bed.”

  Jess gasped as an illicit shiver snaked down her spine.

  “And I've yet to make you scream,” he tacked on.

  No, after he'd smacked her on the ass, she'd been too shocked to do anything other than be still, afraid she'd hurt both of them if she struggled. And then when his thumb had started caressing her inner thigh, she'd thought it was her imagination. Now, after that comment, she had to wonder.

  “I'm still going to win.” He smirked

  “Ha!” Jess scoffed. “I could stand up on this disc and still beat you to the bottom.”

  “This I gotta see.”

  Jess planted first one foot then the other, treating it like a snowboard. Kayne followed suit, though he made it look so much easier. He smiled smugly down at her. “Did I mention I grew up on a surf board?”

  “I didn't know there were oceans in Belarus.”

  He eyed her suspiciously. “What makes you think I'm from there?”

  “The kids said you told them you were born in the city where the Werewolf King once ruled. I assumed you were referring to Vseslav of Polotsk.”

  “Impressive. I was six when I moved to California, so Belarus was still part of the Soviet Union at that point.”

  “Well that explains it. All that California sun bleached your brain.” She laughed.

  “Ha, ha. Come on, let's see how good you are…unless you're chicken?” He challenged.

  She hesitated until he started flapping his arms and clucking. The children cheered louder. They'd even garnered attention from several of the picnickers, specifically Rafe, Joe, and Trace. God only knew who those yahoos were rooting for.

  Fine! She could do this. It was a nothing hill, but she was pretty sure this wasn't one of her brightest ideas. Best to just get it over and done with.

  She shifted her weight forward, and down the hill she went, picking up quite a bit of speed. She heard Kayne yell something, but she was too focused on trying to stay vertical. He had been right, it was nothing like snowboarding. It was more like a log roll.

  She only made it halfway down before she fell flat on her back. Hard. Knocking the wind out of her.

  She was vaguely aware of Kayne dropping to his knees beside her. “Oh, Christ. Baby, are you okay?”

  That was a very good question. If she could catch her breath, she might just be able to answer.

  “Are you hurt?”

  “I think...I'm okay,” she panted, and tried to sit up.

  He gently pushed her back down. “Lay there for a minute,” he urged. “I can’t believe you did something that fucking stupid!”

  Now he was shouting? He was the one that had dared her in the first place.

  “Sorry, guess I'm just not the surfer type,” she said dryly.

  “Jesus, I never meant for you to actually do it. I thought you'd have better sense than that.” He threw his arm in the direction of the hill.

  Unbelievable! She flung a handful of snow at him.

  “Hey! What was that for?” he demanded.

  She lobbed more snow at him, too mad to respond. Stupid? Jackass! Jess picked up another handful of snow, but he caught her wrist.

  “Everything okay here?” Jess heard Rafe ask from somewhere close behind.

  Kayne made the fatal mistake of looking toward their audience, and Jess took advantage by dumping a handful of snow down the neck of his jacket with her free hand.

  “Son of a bitch!” He reared back, giving her enough room to scramble free.

  Kayne stood up slowly, shaking the snow off of him. He was all lithe predator, and she'd just become his prey.

  She scooped up more snow and took aim.

  Kayne stood his ground. “You're asking for it,” he warned.

  She lobbed the snow at him and took off running.

  “Oh no you don't!” He chased after her, and she felt a snowball hit her in the ass. “Open season on Mama!” Kayne hollered.

  Oh no he didn't! That was uncalled for. But sure enough, the kids joined in and had Jess running for cover.

  “I'll make cookies for whoever joins my team.” Jess dashed behind a tree.

  “Hey, no fair!” When the kids turned on him, Kayne ducked behind the pillar of an empty ramada.

  Jess laughed. “All's fair in love and snowball fights!” It had been a long time since she'd played with the kids like this. Too long.

  “Fine. Anyone who joins me gets a movie next weekend.” Kayne upped the ante.

  Jess dodged the snowballs her children chucked at her. “Hey, no bribing my children against me.”

  “All's fair in snowball fights,” he mocked, laughing unrepentantly, and lobbed a fat snowball that struck her in the ass again.

  “Movie and pizza,” Jess countered when another snowball hit her from the other side. They had her surrounded. How the hell had that happened? She retreated, making a beeline for the half-wall near the amphitheater stage.

  “IMAX and the video arcade at Arizona Mills.”

  He was offering them the mall? Foolish man. He had no clue what he was getting himself into. “Playing hooky from school tomorrow. HA!” Top that!

  “Now that's cheating.” Kayne peppered her with snowballs until she reached the wall. “But...since you have tomorrow off. Snowboarding in Flagstaff.”

  “There's no school tomorrow!” Ash shouted.

  Damn, she was hoping they'd forgotten that.

  “New rules,” Ash announced. “You two against the rest of us. No prisoners.”

  “Hey!” Jess couldn’t believe they were siding against her. “Where's your loyalty?”

  “We can be bought,” Maddy said. “Consider us privateers. Highest bidder, and all of that.”

  Kayne jumped out from behind his hiding place, launching snow balls at the kids’ feet, and ran toward Jess. He dropped down behind the half-wall next to her. “So what are you going to do about this?” His eyes were full of mischief, and he grinned from ear to ear. God, he was beautiful when he smiled. Happy looked good on him.

  “Me? This is your fault. ”

  “Hello, you're the one who offered them cookies. I should arrest you for encouraging truancy.”

  She just bet he’d like to use those cuffs on her.

  Kayne leaned in close. His warm breath tickled her neck, making her shiver. “I'd be very gentle,” he whispered seductively.

  Shit, had she said that out loud?

  “Your skin is so delicate, I'd have to be.” He caressed his cold knuckles across her cheek. Slowly he leaned toward her, his eyes on her lips as if he were about to kiss her. Before she could turn away, a snowball pelted the back of his head, spraying her face.

  Kayne jerked away. He studied her for a long moment, a
confused look on his face. Then, as if remembering where he was, he hollered, “What’s your offer?” He tossed a couple snowballs over the wall at the kids.

  Maybe she'd misread him. God she had never been any good at this guy stuff, and she didn't want to start now. Kayne was much too male for her. More accurately, she wouldn't be enough for someone like him.

  “Movie and snowboarding.” There was a long moment of arguing before Ash sighed heavily. “And Build-A-Bear.”

  “’Sabella?” Kayne chuckled.

  Jess nodded. Isabelle loved the bear shop.

  Kayne pitched his voice loud enough for the kids to hear. “I think we can take them.”

  “You're not surrendering?” Ash sounded nervous.

  “Not a chance!” Kayne turned to Jessica. “Okay, on three, stand up and start throwing. They’re right out in the open.” Kayne motioned to the pile of snowballs he'd formed.

  She nodded and failed to stifle a giggle. He flashed a heart-stopping grin in return.

  “Retreat!” Ash ordered as soon as Kayne started lobbing snowballs at their feet with incredible accuracy.

  Jess fell into Kayne's side laughing. He wrapped her in his arms as if they'd done this a hundred times. Kayne smiled down at her. “You're going to give into their demands anyway, aren't you?”

  For a long moment, they stood there lost in each other, until she remembered he'd asked a question. “I've never been able to say no to them, Jarred,” she stammered nervously.

  Kayne's arms dropped, and he took a hasty step back. She wasn't sure who was more shocked over her slip. But before she could apologize, Kayne turned and walked away.

  ***

  Desperate to get the fuck out of there, Kayne didn't say goodbye to anyone. He needed to be alone. He’d been so wrapped up in the moment—something he shouldn't have allowed to happen—that he'd forgotten he didn't belong. Until Jessica had called him by her deceased husband's name. He knew it had been an accident, but it had been the wakeup call he'd needed.

  She'd met her one true love, and he'd been taken from her, and Kayne had no place in her life. Didn't want one. Did. Not. He'd already failed one wife, one family. He would never be put in that position again.