Razing Kayne

by Julieanne Reeves

  Jess looked at her cell phone. “We have an hour and twenty minutes before I have to pick them up.”

  “Then we should get to shopping. There are lots of toys to look through.” Kayne scooped Isabelle up and spun her around once, making her squeal with delight, before plopping her into the cart.

  “Me now, me now!” Gracie bounced in Jess’s arms.

  Kayne took her from Jess and tossed her in the air before securing her in the seat. God, he finally had his daughter back; a daughter who now came with a mom and three siblings who meant everything to her.

  His father's words came back to him. Son, you can do this. God has given you a precious gift, and from everything you've said, this woman is special. You once had a dream, of a loving wife to stand beside you and give you a houseful of children. Don't let the past rob you of that dream. Kayne wasn't sure if his Pop had been speaking as a father or like the pastor he was. Either way, Kayne wasn't ready to agree. From where he stood, it felt more like the beginning of a nightmare.

  ***

  Kayne turned out to be as much of a kid as Gracie and Isabelle. They had to test drive and play with everything they could get their hands on. All three of them. Jess felt reassured seeing him interact with both girls and not just focusing on Gracie.

  “Can you guys behave yourselves while I walk over to the kids clothing section?” Why she was even bothering to ask was beyond her. She'd been fighting hard not to laugh at Kayne for the last five minutes. He was sitting on a toddler size tricycle and pushing it around with his feet—something Jarred would never have been caught doing, especially in public—looking like the Grape Ape.

  Kayne towered over her by more than a foot, and while she was pretty sure there wasn't an ounce of fat on him, he was large in stature, wide in the shoulders, narrow in the hips. He was wearing an Arizona Law Enforcement Association T-shirt that stretched across his muscled chest and biceps, then loosened over what she was sure had to be an incredible set of abs. That shirt disappeared into a well-worn pair of jeans which hugged his body in all the right places, and left little to the imagination, she was embarrassed to note. How he'd managed to fold himself up enough to even sit on the trike was beyond her.

  “Yes, we can behave.” Kayne looked up, a gleam of mischief in his eyes.

  “I meant behave well.” Jess gave a dramatic sigh.

  ***

  “Maybe we should go with you.” Kayne de-pretzeled himself and put the trike back on the shelf before helping the girls put theirs away also.

  They had already picked out two gifts for the birthday girl, and Kayne feared that her true reason for wanting to leave the toy section was because he'd embarrassed her. He knew he’d managed to do so with Oksana more times than he could count. She hated that he’d horsed around with the kids in public. To her it was undignified. To him it was simple fun; a way to interact and entertain his children.

  Kayne leaned over Jess’s shoulder to watch her pick through a rack of little girls’ clothes. “So what are we doing over here?” While her kids’ clothes weren't high end, Gap, OshKosh, and Old Navy, they weren’t brands Wal-Mart carried either.

  She glanced over her shoulder. “I'm getting a couple outfits for Casey.”

  Kayne couldn’t resist leaning in a little closer and inhaling—almonds, vanilla, and something uniquely her. “Who’s that?”

  Jess took a step away. “The little girl who's having the birthday party tomorrow. She's one of the children from Darcy's Kids.”

  “Should we do something different than toys?” He gestured toward the tea set and the princess dress-up box in the cart.

  “Nope, one of those will be from Isabelle, and the other and whatever else I pick out here, will go into bags for other names to be put on the card. A lot of the kids coming can't afford gifts, and we make it very clear that they are not expected. We don't want anyone to not show up because they couldn't afford to bring a gift.”

  Kayne picked up Gracie’s stuffed lion. It had become a game. She’d accidentally drop it, and he’d retrieve it. “How many kids go to this place?”

  “She can only take fifty kids at a time, from age two to fifteen. It's free care. The older kids are usually on probation and doing community service with supervision. They have chores like helping the younger ones with their homework and helping keep the place clean and functioning. There's always a waiting list.”

  “So she just decided one day to do this?” He couldn’t keep the skepticism out of his voice.

  Jess paused, and her face scrunched up in thought. “Sort of. Darcy was driving home one night and found this little girl, maybe three-years-old, wandering down the street. Through that incident, she realized a dire need existed in the community, and it snowballed from there.”

  Kayne held out his hands for the clothes she had draped over her arm. “Why don't you let 'Sabella and Gracie go with you when you are over there?”

  She handed over the clothes. “Most of the stuff I do is behind the scenes, while the kids are still in school. I stop by with them from time to time, which is how they know Casey, but if they’re there, that means there are two children who can't be—who need to be—to stay in compliance. The state is very strict with that fifty child limit.”

  ***

  Kayne watched as Jess picked out several sturdy, practical outfits and one frilly little girl's outfit, complete with ruffled socks. He looked at his watch. “Short stuff, you've got about fifteen minutes.”

  “I'm sorry, did you want to look at something?”

  He shook his head. “Nope, just wanted to come along. I figured after we picked up the kids, we could stop by and I'd get the truck.” He'd left his truck at the courthouse this morning. He’d parked within sight of the media mob, but Jess had had the foresight to park around by a seldom used side exit, so they’d sneaked out while Judge Johnson kept the media occupied.

  “Kayne, why didn't you say so? I would have dropped you off first, and you wouldn't have had to waste your time being dragged all over Wal-Mart.”

  Kayne bent and picked up the lion again, he gave Gracie a mock scowl as he handed it back. She laughed. “I wanted to be here picking out tea sets and princess dresses.”

  She cocked an eyebrow, clearly not believing him, but she let it go. Oh, how wrong she was. He'd thoroughly enjoyed himself.

  “Do you want to go pick out something for dinner while I get gift bags?”

  “Nope, I'm taking us out to dinner. Someone once told me your favorite food is anything you didn't have to cook.” It had been the night they went to the hockey game. Kayne gave a heavy sigh when Jess merely stared at him. “Look, regardless of the circumstances, we got married today and neither of us lost.” Kayne looked pointedly at Gracie. “That’s something to celebrate, don't you think?”

  Jess nodded then began digging around in her purse. “I'll call Polly and see if she can babysit.”

  Kayne reached out and gently stopped her hand. “I meant all of us, Jess.”

  “Sorry. Of course.” She ducked her head, but not before he saw her blush. Kayne bit back a sigh. He hadn’t meant to embarrass her. He just wanted to make this as easy as possible on all of them.

  ***

  “Dinner was great, thank you.” Jess led the way down the hidden staircase from the nursery to the hallway just outside the master bedroom later that night. They'd gone to one of the kids’ favorite restaurants, and the evening had felt comfortable. Like the night they’d gone to the hockey game. That seemed like lifetime ago.

  Kayne caught her arm, pulling her to a stop. “It was very nice, especially since you ate something for once.”

  She didn't like that he noticed what she did or didn’t eat. She was already self-conscious about her weight and eating habits.

  He released her arm and took a step back. “Anyway, I guess I should go get unpacked. I have to work at oh-dark-hundred.”

  “I already unpacked everything. Let me show you.” Jess motioned him toward the his-and-hers
closets off the master bath, happy to focus on anything but the bed that awaited them in the next room. “I moved all of the boxes out, so it's all yours. Your uniforms got wrinkled, but there's a steamer in the laundry room. I can iron them for you or show you how to use it, whichever you prefer.” If he didn't want her doing his laundry she doubted he'd want her doing his ironing, but she at least could offer.

  Kayne frowned, looking around the closet then back to her. “I don't understand.”

  “I put anything that didn't belong on a hanger in a drawer, but if you want them someplace else, just let me know, so I know where to put clean clothes in the future.”

  “Why are they in here?” Kayne furrowed his brow.

  Jess shrugged. “Where else would they be?” Now Jess was confused.

  “I thought I was taking one of the other bedrooms.”

  Jess crossed her arms defensively. “I told you to decide where you wanted to be, and the next thing I knew people were bringing boxes in here.” Jess felt her cheeks heat with embarrassment.

  “You want me to sleep here?”

  Want wasn't the word she'd use. Physically, she was attracted to him. She couldn't imagine there was a woman out there who wouldn't love the chance to sleep with him, but she knew it wouldn't be enough for her to desire him. She'd never been enough for Jarred, and Kayne was so much more...well, everything. She didn't want to see the look of disappointment in his eyes when he realized she lacked, but she'd made a promise, and she'd figure out how to live with the consequences.

  Jess squared her shoulders and forced herself to meet his gaze. “I meant what I said, Kayne, and I won't go back on that promise. I'll do whatever you ask of me.”

  ***

  She had to be kidding, right? Kayne stepped forward, backing Jessica against the wall. He braced his hands on either side of her, leaned in close, and whispered in her ear. “You want me to fuck you baby, is that it?” He drawled the words out seductively. He knew he was going out of his way to be an asshole. Hell, he halfway expected a slap in the face, in fact, would have preferred it over the look that crossed her face.

  Jess gasped, then swallowed hard, and though she tried to mask it, he could see the fear blazing in her eyes. But with it was something else he couldn't quite name. Determination maybe.

  He scoffed in disbelief. “You're actually thinking about whether or not you can do it, aren't you?” Damn, that pissed him off! Kayne shoved away from the wall. “I don't want a goddamned martyr in my bed, Jessica. My hand works fine, and at least it's a willing participant!”

  He stormed off without a backwards glance before he said or did something else he couldn't take back. Goddamn it!

  NINETEEN

  Kayne groaned as he fumbled shutting off the alarm on his phone. He'd been awake most of the night. But instead of being bombarded by nightmares of the past, it had been thoughts of the here and now keeping him awake.

  He was pretty sure someone had hurt Jess, he just didn't know if it had been limited to emotional or extended into physical as well. She’d told him once that Jarred had been her one and only, and the idea that any man, especially the one who'd vowed to protect and cherish her, might have abused her made Kayne see red.

  Somehow, he was going to have to uncover what Jarred had done to hurt her and work his way past it. Knowing that she was willing to give herself to him out of fear of losing Gracie ate at what little soul he had left. He needed her to want him as much emotionally as he wanted her physically if they were to have any type of future. He wasn't about to let love play a role in this relationship, at least for his part. But women were different. Jess was different. She would need to be in love to be happy. As for him, he wasn't sure what he needed. Perhaps trust was the simplest answer. He needed to be able to trust Jess.

  After last night though, how could he trust her to tell him how she truly felt? The thought of emotionally raping her made him physically ill. And in his mind, that was exactly what it would be if she felt her only way to keep Gracie was to give him her body under duress. They might have an eighteenth century marriage, but he sure as hell didn’t own her.

  Kayne stretched, feeling his muscles protest. He was pretty sure the fact that he'd slept on an all-too-small couch in the family room hadn't helped his quality of sleep, but by the time he'd cooled off he was too tired to hunt down an empty bedroom.

  Kayne reluctantly dragged himself off the couch. He needed to take a shower and get ready for work. Belatedly, he realized all his personal belongings were in Jess's room. He was going to have to go in there to get ready for work. While he hated invading her privacy, circumstances were forcing the situation. At least he could access the bathroom and closet through the sitting room, therefore bypassing the bedroom itself.

  Kayne closed the bathroom door before flipping on the light, and froze in his tracks. Off to the right, hanging on a hook, was a crisply ironed uniform, his badge pinned in place. A large basket sat by his boots—which had been polished to a perfect shine—that held all his toiletries and some white fluffy towels. A sheet of yellow paper was folded and resting on top. He glanced back up at the uniform to realize his badge had been cleaned too. He reluctantly picked up the paper, knowing whatever it contained was going to piss him off.

  Kayne,

  I'm so sorry, for everything.

  Your portable radio is on top of the safe in the panic room, I plugged it in for you. I reset the code to the safe—you know what it is—so you don't have to leave your duty belt and firearm in the trunk of your patrol car.

  Your lunch is in a cooler in the refrigerator.

  Be safe,

  Jess.

  He'd never had anyone iron a uniform for him, much less polish his boots or shine his badge. And she'd gathered up all the things she thought he'd need to get ready for work: his razor, shaving gel, soap, shampoo, towels. She'd even made him lunch. While a part of him knew he should be happy, the reality was he hated it. He didn’t want her to be some mousy Stepford wife.

  Kayne had always taken care of himself, even when he was a small child. Especially when he was a small child, because Nina had been a horrid mother. It had gotten better when he went to live with the Dobrescus. Once he was married, he'd taken on the responsibility of caring for Oksana, because she'd been raised in a world that had sheltered her and, truthfully, she had no life skills. She'd never needed them because there was always a servant there to take care of her needs back home. He’d always been the caregiver, not the one taken care of.

  Once Nikolai was born, Kayne had quickly discovered motherhood did not come naturally to Oksana. She needed constant prompting to care for him. But Jess was nothing like Oksana. Sure she'd had a few bad days, but look at the wheel of insanity the fates had staked them on.

  He should have talked to her last night instead of storming off. He'd been an absolute ass, and on their wedding night, no less. Even though he'd had no intention of consummating it—at least not last night—he should have stayed with her, held her, let her get used to him being with her. Instead, he'd let his emotions control him, and he'd walked away.

  Once Kayne was dressed for work and had peeked in on Maddy and Ash, who were both sleeping soundly, he headed for the nursery. He prayed he wouldn't wake Gracie, but he needed to see her before he left.

  The nursery was dark, but he didn't dare turn on a light. He paused and brushed a kiss across Isabelle's forehead, tucked her bear in beside her, and pulled the covers back into place before moving on to Grace.

  Kayne didn't realize until he was hovering over the bed that Jessica was laying there with Gracie curled up in her arms. She stirred slightly then suddenly gasped and pressed back against the wall.

  “Hey, hey, baby, it's me.” His voice was a mere whisper. He dropped to a nonthreatening crouch. “Shh, it's okay.” He reached out and laid his hand on her shoulder. “It's just me.”

  Propped up on one elbow, she brushed the hair out of her sleepy face. “Is something wrong? Did something happen?
” Her voice was husky. Sexy.

  “Everything's fine.” Kayne kept his voice low too. It was barely five-thirty in the morning, and he didn't want Jess having to get up with the kids this early. “I'm so sorry I scared you. I didn't realize you were in here. I just stopped to kiss Gracie before I left.”

  “I just needed to hold her.” Jess looked down at the sleeping toddler. She reached out and brushed a fat curl off Gracie's face.

  Kayne hesitantly sat down on the edge of the bed and reached out to lay his hand on Gracie's chest, over her heart. When Jess laid her hand on top of his, he closed his eyes, trying to push away the myriad of feelings, all of them at odds with each other.

  When it came to Jess, he wanted to be angry that she'd tried to keep him away from Gracie. At the same time, he wanted to take care of her, because he was pretty damned sure no one ever had. He wanted to protect her from her ghosts, but, above all else, he wanted her—in his bed, under him, surrounding him, wanting him.

  “I don't know how to do this,” Jess whispered. “I don't know what you expect of me.”

  What did he want? Hell if he knew.

  “I'm not good at expressing feelings. Guys aren't hardwired to be all emotionally touchy-feely, and sometimes we handle situations badly. We're much more physically expressive by nature.” Was he really going to let that be his apology? Some bullshit I'm-a-man-so-I-don't-have-to-talk-about-it excuse?

  Before he could figure it out, Jess scoffed. “Tell me about it. Jarred went through an early midlife crisis after the doctor told us I couldn't give him any more children.” She looked guiltily at him, then away. “Anyway, it’s how we ended up with the sports car in the garage and Isabelle.”

  “'Sabella was a midlife crisis?” Kayne asked. How could a child be a midlife crisis? They'd adopted for christsake. It wasn’t like going to the pound and picking out a puppy. There was a long drawn-out process.