Razing Kayne

by Julieanne Reeves

Kayne could remember many a Sunday morning, rising at the crack of dawn and sneaking into the tiny kitchen to sit and talk to Ben. It was their special time, and with such a full house, time had been precious. But the rest of the family always left Ben and Kayne to themselves in those early hours. Two decades later, Kayne still felt like that little kid, tough on the outside, terrified on the inside, desperately wanting the love the Dobrescus had to offer, but afraid to reach out for it. Only now, he feared the love of a woman who was just within his grasp, if he could only figure out how to let go of the past long enough to reach for the future.

  Ben began laying strips of bacon out on a baking sheet. “Oksana was never your true love. Don't get me wrong, you were the best of husbands to her, and I know you loved her, but she wasn't a wife so much as another child you were raising. She didn’t participate in the relationship or the household. She wasn't your equal. It says something about you that you never left her.”

  Kayne stared into his coffee for a long moment before meeting his father’s gaze. “I thought about it, Pop. Do you know how many times I thought about packing up the kids and leaving, or packing her up and telling her to leave? But then I'd think of you and Luann and everything you'd taught me, and I realized my vows were just that. A promise. I couldn't leave her, couldn't give up on her, and she betrayed me in the worst possible way.”

  Ben put the pan of bacon in the oven before turning back to him. “Are you so sure about that? With finding Grace alive, are you sure she drowned Niki and Natalia?”

  No, he wasn’t. “I don't know what to think anymore. I don't understand how Tasha survived, or who the people were that had her. God, Pop, I look at this life, not the material things.” He said looking around the house. “But Jess, the kids. All of them, not just Gracie...Tasha—”

  Ben paused in his process of cracking eggs into a bowl. “No, son. Grace is her name. You were right to let her keep that part of herself. Jess told Luann how much it meant to her that you didn't try to insist on everyone calling her Tasha.”

  Kayne nodded. He grabbed an egg and began spinning it, watching it wobble across the counter. “I look at this life, and I think it's everything I ever pictured when I envisioned my future all those years ago, because I wanted what you and Mama had. Have. But I feel so guilty because of what it cost. Did Jess tell you all of the kids came from foster care, emotionally and physically battered and bruised?”

  Ben nodded. “Yeah, we got here a few minutes after you left for church yesterday, and, you know your mama, she wouldn't be dissuaded from helping in the kitchen, so they had a nice long talk while I decorated.”

  “Then you know what I mean when I ask, what right do I have to be happy when each of the kids had to suffer? When my own two had to die in such a horrible manner, when I had to watch Oksana kill herself, when Jess had to hold a stranger’s child and watch her husband die a horrible death. What right do I have to be happy at that great of a cost? It's not fair, Pop. It's just not fair.” Christ he was not going to cry. Not in front of this man whom he respected so much.

  Ben leaned over the island and looked Kayne in the eye. “Listen to me, son. You did not abuse those children, their biological parents did, and Jess was there to give them a kind loving home. Whoever killed Nikolai and Natalia are at fault for their deaths, be that Oksana or someone else. They are at fault. You may never know why Oksana pulled that trigger, but she did it, not you.”

  Ben straightened. “As far as Jarred, it sounds like saving Grace was perhaps one of the few truly selfless acts he ever committed. He gave his life for her, regardless, and it's up to you two to ensure that she celebrates that life, his past, and her future.”

  “I yelled at Oksana,” Kayne admitted. “I accused her of killing them. What if she didn't? What if I all but put that gun in her mouth and pulled the trigger? How could I have just left it laying there?”

  “You're not Superman, son.”

  “Why not, you are?”

  Ben chuckled, taking the remark at the face value Kayne had meant it. Ben had always been his hero. “I'm human too. I put my pants on every morning one leg at a time, no phone booth involved.”

  His grin sobered. “Oksana made her choice, and it was the wrong one. Jarred made his choice, and it was the right one. Regardless of their past, everything that happened, happened for a reason. I don't know why. All I can tell you is that all those bad events occurred because people made choices. Not necessarily right ones or wrong ones, but choices. It's what free agency is all about. You weren’t the cause of any of the events that brought you to this point, and neither was Jessica.”

  “I know that, Pop. In here.” Kayne tapped the side of his head. “I know that what you're saying is true, but my heart hurts, so bad.”

  “As it should. I don't think that type of pain ever goes away, it just becomes less relevant. What you two are doing now, picking up the pieces, rising out of the ashes like a Phoenix and making a family. Giving those kids upstairs a father. Letting Gracie keep her real mother and siblings. You and Jess being helpmates for each other. That is a beautiful thing. A God thing.

  If you stop and think about it, deep down you'll realize that had it been any other two people in the world, they would have torn this family apart instead of building a stronger, better one.”

  Ben paused and leveled an intent gaze on him. “Never doubt how proud I am of you, son, or how much I love you.”

  Kayne simply nodded, unable to speak.

  The conversation ended at the sound of feet pounding down the stairs. Kayne smiled, realizing he could differentiate Ash's upbeat “it's a beautiful morning” tempo compared to Maddy's slow “don't-mess-with-me-until-I've-had-my-cocoa” cadence.

  Kayne dropped the Keurig cup into place and was ready to start counting marshmallows when Maddy finally rounded the corner. He slid the cup in front of a grateful Maddy and headed upstairs to wake two little sprites.

  ***

  Jess stopped just outside the kitchen when she heard Ash’s voice.

  “Did Kayne call you dad, when he was little?”

  “Well no, all my kids called me ‘Pop,’ short for ‘Papa Bear’ cause I'm so big. For a while Kayne called me ‘Ben’ until he was ready to start calling me ‘Pop’ like everyone else. I didn't push him. I let him decide on his own time.”

  “What did Kayne's kids call him?”

  “Papa.”

  “I don't want to call him Kayne anymore. Do you think it would make him sad if I called him ‘Papa,’ since they can't anymore?”

  “Why don't you ask him?” Ben suggested.

  “Are we gonna see you again, Po-pop?” Ash asked after a long moment of silence.

  “You sure are. You're my grandson now. That means you and your sisters have six aunts and uncles and eighteen cousins. We'll visit a couple times a year, and send cards with a little money tucked in for birthdays and Christmas.”

  Jess's gut clenched at the thought. She knew the sentiment came from the heart, but hoped Ben wasn't making a promise that Kayne couldn't keep. She couldn't see him staying with her, when he could have so much more with someone else.

  Jess heard Kayne coming down the back stairs with Isabelle and Grace and decided it was time to make an entrance. She stepped into the kitchen. “Morning.”

  “Morning, Mama.” Ash stood and headed for the coffee maker.

  “The men in this house sure have you and Maddy pegged.” Ben laughed. “Make another one for your Grandma while you’re at it, Ash. She'll be up any minute.”

  “I'm right here.” Luann smiled at Kayne and Jess. “These little girls burrowed in with us last night.” Luann looked down at Grace, whom she held on one hip.

  “Oh, Grace.” Jess sighed.

  “I scared of monster,” Grace said. “Wanted Kayne.” Grace reached out, and Kayne willingly took her into his arms.

  “But she settled for us,” Luann said, completing the transfer.

  Jess knew there had been a lot of turmoil because o
f the custody battle, but it didn't explain why her children were suddenly seeing shadows. When she glanced Kayne's direction, his thoughts were easily readable. It worried him too.

  TWENTY-SIX

  The following Monday, Kayne, Isabelle, and Gracie headed to Phoenix on a top-secret mission. Over the past week, Kayne had managed to compile five of the kids’ favorite bedtime stories with their unwitting help. Maddy had been the one to provide the fifth story. She’d inadvertently mentioned that Jess had a favorite too—one that she rarely told the children because it made her sad. When asked, Maddy explained that the story told of a tiny caterpillar that never became a butterfly. As Maddy shared the story, he realized it had been written for Amy, the child Jess had miscarried. Kayne had debated long and hard about including it, but knew in his heart the book would be incomplete without it.

  After some extensive research, he’d located a reputable company that would take the stories and pair them with illustrations Kayne provided to produce a full color hardbound anthology. The editor working on it had emailed him a tentative layout and a list of suggestions for the illustration’s themes. With list in hand, they were headed to a high-quality art supply store.

  Kayne had been drawing since he was a small child, had even made money selling some of his art, but he wanted the majority of the artwork to come from the children at Darcy's Kids. He wanted each child to draw and color a picture that would be included as a page in the book. Kayne would then provide some key illustrations for the cover and the title page for each of the five stories. He already had four of the drawings; he just needed to complete the last one, which would probably prove to be the most difficult. Kayne picked up the needed supplies, bought the girls lunch, and headed back to Payson, arriving right on time to pick up Maddy, Ash, and Tiffany from school.

  With the help of several volunteers, they’d managed to get every one of the kids to complete a piece to be included.

  Darcy stopped next to him. “What an incredible idea, Kayne.” He’d never met anyone so genuinely happy and bubbly and energetic. Not even Jess. “And to include all the kids in this is ...thank you. Jess is going to be thrilled.”

  Kayne sure hoped so. He carefully laid special sheets of paper between each of the drawings and placed them in a rigid, waterproof envelope. Tomorrow, the package would be couriered to the printer.

  ***

  “Mama, we're home,” Kayne called, late that afternoon, trying to wipe the Cheshire Cat grin off his face as he stepped into the kitchen, following the scent of whatever Jess was making for dinner.

  She turned to him, a look of worry on her face. “Where have you been?”

  “I had some things to do, so I took the little girls along with me. Is everything okay, here?”

  “You've been gone all day,” she mumbled, turning back towards the stove.

  “I'm sorry, if I made you worry.” He stepped in behind her and wrapped his arms around her, resting his chin on her shoulder. He got the impression it was about more than their being gone all day. “I wish you'd called.”

  He felt her release a heavy sigh. “I didn't want to interrupt whatever you were doing.”

  “Jess, you can call me whenever you feel like it. I have nothing to hide.” Okay, so a little white lie, but surprises didn't count. “If I don't answer, like if I'm on duty, I'll call you back as soon as I can. If it's urgent, just keep trying, okay?”

  Jess nodded. She lifted a lid and stirred something that looked and smelled suspiciously like chili. “We received a bunch of hang up calls on the home phone this morning.”

  “How many is a bunch?”

  “A dozen or so.” She shrugged. “All out of area or unavailable on caller ID.”

  “That's a little too many to be a wrong number or a telemarketer. They didn't say anything?”

  She shook her head, causing her hair to tickle his nose. “No, just dead air for a moment, then a disconnect.”

  Kayne scooped it out of the way and nuzzled her neck. “You should have called me.”

  “I didn't want to invade your privacy.”

  Kayne didn’t manage to bite back the sigh. “I'm not him,” he said.

  Jess flinched.

  He wrapped her tighter, all but enveloping her with his body. “I hear what you don't say, baby. I see how you avoid my phone if it rings, even when it's right next to you. I don't mind you telling any woman who would call that I'm taken, not that I think there are any who’d care.”

  Kayne leaned down, intending for a gentle kiss, but, God, her lips were incredible—lush and sweet from whatever she'd been cooking—cinnamon rolls, or maybe her baked apples. Either way, it was as much of an incentive as the woman herself to go back for another kiss, and another, until he finally asked, “Can we sneak away for a bit?”

  “Kayne!” She laughed and shoved half-heartedly at his chest. “You have a one-track mind.”

  When it came to her, that was pretty much the truth. He sighed dramatically. “Okay, fine, I can wait till later. Maybe.”

  She laughed.

  He gave her a mock scowl. “You wouldn't find it funny if you had zipper tracks permanently pressed into your dick.”

  “If I had a dick to get zipper marks in, you wouldn't be trying to get into my pants.” She giggled.

  God almighty, he loved it when she laughed. And that dimple did him in. He swooped in and kissed it, flicking his tongue into the indention, and she laughed harder, making him smile.

  He brushed a stray lock of hair behind her ear. “You are so incredibly beautiful,” he whispered.

  “Nice try. You're still not getting any before the kids go to bed.” She nibbled that bottom lip.

  He hadn't meant it as a come on, but he knew when to retreat, and he could tell Jess was feeling pressured, something he never wanted between them. He lifted the pot lid and took a whiff. “So what's for dinner?”

  Jess tsked. “And here I thought you were different,” she said in mock disapproval.

  “Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm just like every other man, lusting after great food and better sex.” He let his eyes roam down her body to make it clear it was sex with her he was thinking about and took delight in watching a rosy blush wash across her cheeks.

  “Last time I checked, lust was a sin,” a familiar masculine voice said out of nowhere.

  Kayne glanced up to see Cody standing in the archway, barely managing to conceal his hatred. How the hell had he gotten into the house unannounced? It was clear from Jess's reaction she hadn't known he was here either.

  “Only when you're lusting after someone else's wife.” Kayne wrapped a possessive arm around Jess. “When it's your own, it's a privilege bundled in with the marriage vows.”

  Jess patted Kayne’s hand. “Cody, what are you doing here?”

  “Stopped in to pick up Tiffany for my mom. Apparently, Kayne took her over to Darcy's with your kids today. Didn't he tell you?”

  Kayne shot Cody a warning glare. Darcy had come up with some story to keep Jess away and dissuade her from trying to plan the Mother's Day Brunch. The only thing the kids knew was that they were drawing pictures for a book, but he didn't even want Jess to know that much. Of course, Cody ignored him, rat-bastard-belligerent-hose-monkey that he was.

  Jess looked up at Kayne questioningly. “Why'd you take the kids to Darcy's?”

  “To work on a project for Mother's day.” Anything but the truth would come back to bite him.

  “Thank you.” Jess stretched up to brush her lips across Kayne's, and he bent to meet her halfway.

  Kayne had a feeling Cody wasn't done trying to stir the pot, and sure enough, a moment later he said, “Who was the leggy brunette, there with you? Man she was swimsuit model hot with those big breasts and mile long legs. Kinda reminded me of your wife.” Kayne felt Jess tense in his arms. The ones he'd purposefully kept around her, perhaps a little too possessively.

  He was tempted to play stupid, but opted for the truth. “I can only assume you're refer
ring to one of the volunteers, though none of them looked like Jessica.”

  “I meant the dead one,” Cody snapped.

  “I didn’t realize you knew my late wife,” Kayne challenged.

  Something unidentifiable crossed Cody’s face, but it was quickly masked. “I don’t recall saying I had. You showed us a picture of her. It’s clear she had a model’s body, just like the chick today.”

  Kayne released an exasperated sighed. “I don’t even know her name. I had no interest in finding out.”

  “She sure seemed interested in you,” Cody said.

  “Hello, have you looked at my husband? She'd have to be dead not to appreciate this.” Jess patted his chest appreciatively. .

  “Baby, you don't have to defend me. You'll note he didn't say I was into her, just the opposite.” He wanted Jess to realize that she was it for him. He was all-in on making this relationship permanent. He wanted her to realize that and wanted the same thing from her in return.

  Whatever happened to the good old days of note passing? Do you like me? Circle yes or no. Why was love so complicated?

  TWENTY-SEVEN

  Mother's day dawned bright and shiny and full of hope. Jess couldn't help but appreciate it all the more—for the simple fact that Gracie was still in her life. Moreover, Kayne had been very thoughtful by helping the kids make and serve her breakfast in bed, something that had never happened before, not even when Jarred had been alive. Kayne had then proceeded to keep the kids entertained and, eventually, get them ready for church, giving Jess plenty of time to pamper herself with the new bath set full of wonderful, expensive, salts, beads, oils, and other incredible lotions and potions that the children had gifted her.

  As she sat in church next to Kayne, his arm wrapped possessively around her shoulder, she had to fight back tears of happiness. The past week had been near perfect. Kayne was as attentive as a father and husband as he was a lover, and sometimes, in the depths of the night, after hours of lovemaking, when she was wrapped snugly in his arms, she would swear the steady cadence of his heart sounding in her ear spoke of forever with each passing beat. Today, sitting next to him, with him, watching their children sing the various songs of the Mother's Day program, she heard it again. Their children? Yes, somehow that sounded right. Somewhere along the way they had all become his too. She prayed he didn't break their hearts.