A Saint for Life

by Nicole Heck

Finally exiting through the doors to the parking garage, an immediate pain shot through my chest after trying to take a deep breath. The temperature had dropped significantly, making it even harder for me to breathe.

  In the car, I blasted the heat and turned the volume up. Keith Urban came on, and a smile of relief appeared on my face. Singing loudly, I jammed out to the sweet sound of victory. I was able to get myself out of what could have been another embarrassing scenario. The next song had just started when my phone interrupted and began to ring. It was Emily.

  “Hey. Is everything okay?” I was still humming the chorus of the last song.

  “Yeah, everything's great! Home yet?”

  “No, not yet. I just left. My car took a while to defrost and the roads are awful!” I carefully pressed on the brakes, afraid that my car would catch the slick roads and slide.

  “Should have just started your car and waited in the arena with us!”

  “I didn't think it was going to take this long. I didn’t know we were supposed to get this much snow, either.”

  “Well, still, you should have. Want to know why?”

  “Why?” I knew she was up to something.

  “Christian came up to me and asked for your number.”

  “You’re real funny. I am so glad he didn’t talk to me. I was so nervous at the table. Glad I avoided that one! Although—”

  “I’m serious,” Emily interrupted my sentence.

  “What do you mean?” That smile on my face disappeared, and my nerves caught back up to me. Emily was an awful liar, and I could hear it in her voice that she was telling the truth.

  “Like I said, he came up to me right after you left, and—”

  “You’re joking. No, he didn’t.” I panicked.

  “Yes, he did, and he asked for your number! Will you just listen? Jeez!”

  “Please don’t tell me you gave it to him! Emily, ugh, I told you I wasn’t interested. You’re joking.” I was frozen at the steering wheel.

  “Zoe, do you realize how lucky you are? If I could have pretended to be you, I would have. It's Christian Michaels!”

  “Relax. He probably won’t even text me.” The snow continued to hit my windshield even heavier than before.

  “Seriously? He’s going to text you. He isn’t just going to ask a random girl for your number then not text you.”

  “I just don’t understand. Why is he even interested? What does he want from me?”

  “Well, if I were you, I wouldn’t be complaining! This is what you wanted, right?”

  “Yeah, well…I mean…I don't know. I'm almost home, though,” I lied to end the conversation. Cars behind me beeped loudly when the light turned green and my foot remained on the brake. Right now getting home safe was more of a priority than Christian texting me. “I'll let you know if he texts me, okay?”

  “He will.” Emily spoke confidently. “Tell Gabe I said hi and that I’ll come see him soon. Get some rest tonight.”

  “Okay, I will. Thank you. The snow is pretty bad, so drive safe!”

  Hanging up the phone, I threw it into my purse on the passenger's seat. Barely able to see through the windows, my slight panic had now turned into a full blown panic attack. Concentrating on the roads became tough when I couldn’t stop thinking about if he was going to text me. What would I even say?

  *

  I could hardly pull into my driveway with the snow that had accumulated on the ground. Opening the front door to the house, I hit my boots against the steps to knock all of the snow off. My body stung as I entered into my warm house. I was frozen. Quietly walking up the stairs, I stood outside of Gabe's room and listened as he spoke out loud.

  At first it sounded like he was in the middle of a conversation with Janice, our neighbor who helps us out, but I soon realized he was praying. Listening closely, I leaned against the wall and slowly sank to the floor. I've never met a more positive and joyous young boy than him. His attitude was probably one of the only things that kept him strong for being so weak. Tears were building up in the corner of my eye.

  “…for another day, and for my sister, especially my sister. But I don't think she's happy. I try to make her laugh, but I think she fakes it sometimes. Can you please tell her that I'm okay? Thanks, God. I appreciate it.” I sneezed and he stopped speaking.

  “Zoe? Is that you? Are you home?”

  Quietly jumping to my feet and wiping the tears away, I crept around the corner. “Hey! Just got home! How was your night?”

  “I saw you on TV! I didn't know you sat on the court,” he yelled excitedly and greeted me with a hug.

  “They asked me to do something different today. Great game, huh?”

  “Yeah, Michaels played amazing! When I'm feeling better can I meet him? He's so good. I have to go see him this year. It's his last year. Can I go to a game? Please? Please? Pretty please?”

  “Calm down there, buddy!” I laughed, and at the same time I felt sick. I had to lie. He was right. The season was almost over, and I didn’t see that there was any way he would be well enough to go. “I promise that if you get better, I will take you to go see him play.” I had to give him some hope.

  Gabe was wearing his number 7 shirt, Christian Michaels’ number, and he covered himself with his new Siena basketball blanket. He idolized him and the team, which was primarily the reason why I didn't want to get to know him. I didn't want him to break not only my heart, but Gabe's. His heart was much more fragile than mine.

  I closed the door behind me and noticed that there was a light on in what used to be my parents’ bedroom. Gabe must have gone in there. The door creaked open when I slightly touched it with the ball of my foot. Grabbing onto the doorknob, I tried to quietly close it. Sitting down on the bed, I looked around at everything that remained untouched. Life has become too busy and stressful to begin thinking about packing up the things my mother left behind. My eyes glanced over toward the last picture we had with her from Gabe’s fifth birthday party. I shook my head in anger and shut off the light.

  I headed down the stairs so I could finally send Janice home. She had been cleaning the dishes and walking through the house. I noticed she must have done a full house cleaning for me today. She did so much for us even though she didn’t have to. She took us in as if we were her own children. It started to anger me. How could someone be so selfless and sacrifice everything for someone else's’ children when our own mother couldn’t even do that?

  “I can finish those later.” I placed a plate from Gabe’s room next to the sink.

  “It’s okay! Don’t worry about it. Do you want me to make you something to eat? I’m sure you have to be starving. You’ve had a long day!” Janice turned the water off and dried off her hands.

  “No, really, you don’t have to! I’ll grab something.”

  “I made homemade meatballs and pasta. Let me heat up some for you.” She headed straight toward the fridge.

  “My favorite? Thank you!” I sat down at the kitchen table.

  “I figured I would surprise you after the week you’ve had.”

  Her words opened up the emotions I’ve been trying to hide over the last twenty-four hours. My vision was clouded through the tears, and I started to weep.

  “Oh, honey, what’s wrong?” Janice pulled out the chair next to me and embraced me in her arms.

  “I just don’t know how I can repay you for everything you do for us.”

  “You don’t have to! I already told you that. I’m always here for you anytime you need me. You and your brother are like my children.” She handed me a tissue to wipe the tears away from my eyes.

  “That’s just it. We aren’t even your children. We’re not even family, and you love us like we are. No offense, but how can you do that and our own mother couldn’t?” I thought about the picture in her room and how different our lives were back then.

  “I know it’s hard to understand, Zoe. We may never understand what was going through your mother’s head when she left you two,
but you know how much she loved the both of you.”

  “If she loved us she wouldn’t have left us.”

  “She left the day after Gabe was diagnosed with cancer. After going through your father’s death, I’m not sure she was ready to deal with seeing her child suffer. Now, I’m not making any excuses for her, but—”

  “I know, I know. She didn’t even grieve Dad’s death well. I think it would have been harder for me if I had to take care of her and Gabe. I just wish…and I hate saying this, but I wish she wasn’t so selfish and got herself help before just taking the easy route and leaving us behind to fend for ourselves.”

  “You’re not alone. You both have me, and you know that I’ll never leave either of you in the dark.” Janice smiled and rubbed my back.

  “Do you remember how long it took for Gabe to accept your help?” I chuckled a little bit.

  “He did not like me. He thought I was some mean old lady coming to punish him.”

  “He had quite the personality for a five year old, didn’t he?”

  “He locked his room and wouldn’t let me in the second day you left me with him.”

  We both laughed. Thinking back, it was a hard adjustment for such a little kid, but now I can’t imagine our lives without Janice.

  After eating her delicious meatballs, I sent Janice on her way home. She only lived down the road, but I felt bad for making her stay out late often.

  I had completely forgotten about my phone call with Emily earlier until I grabbed my phone off of the charger and noticed the unknown number on my screen.

  I turned off all of the lights in the house and locked the doors, before heading up to my room. I set my phone down on the nightstand next to me. After a half hour of tossing and turning, I couldn't put my mind to rest unless I read the message. I slid my finger to the right and read the words that popped up on my screen.

  {6}

  Christian

  I reached for my phone to check the time—6:45 a.m. Even on my days off, I couldn't seem to sleep in. My body was programmed to wake up before the sun rose. Lying in bed I could try and force myself to fall back to sleep, but I knew by now that I wouldn't have any luck. My mind was in a fog. These days I couldn't seem to find clarity.

  I went for a light jog once I was able to get out of bed. I thought it might help clear my mind, but I couldn't even make it halfway across campus without having to stop and catch my breath. The air was so cold that it was tough to breathe. I could barely feel my fingers inside my insulated gloves. By the time I made it to the dining hall, my eyelashes appeared to be frozen like icicles, and it hurt to bend my fingers. Walking inside, I grabbed a hot cup of coffee and nearly burned my frozen lips while taking a sip.

  After my hands finally were relieved of the numbness, I had to force myself to enter back outside into the cold. The run back seemed much farther than it actually was. I couldn't wait to jump into a hot shower. I glided across campus, quickly testing my speed against the cold wind. I ran into my house and straight to the bathroom and stripped my body of my clothes.

  Standing underneath the scorching hot water, I prolonged reaching for the shampoo. The burning sensation against my frozen skin felt more desirable than it should.

  “Hey, Chris! Who’s Zoe?” Matthew shouted from the room beside me. My phone must have gone off or—because he can’t mind his own business—he had to check it. It didn't surprise me, which is why I changed my passcode again last night. He was one of those people who had to know everything.

  I turned off the water and quickly jumped out of the shower. While running out the door to grab my phone, I almost forgot to wrap a towel around myself. My body slammed against my bedroom door when I tried to push it open.

  “Tell me who she is and I'll let you in.”

  “She's a girl in a class I'm working on a project with—jeez, open the door. I'm getting water all over the hallway.”

  “I call bullshit. If she was, you would have yelled that from the shower.”

  I paused. By now I should have known he was going to do this. I never learned my lesson.

  “So? I'm waiting.”

  “If you let me in, I'll tell you.”

  I waited. He still refused to open the door. At twenty-one years old, he still acted like a child.

  “Okay, you win. I ran into her the other day and spilled her coffee. Then I saw her at the basketball game and asked her friend for her number,” I replied, sighing.

  “You what?” He opened the door, handing me the phone with an expression of surprise on his face.

  “Yeah. It's not a big deal, okay?” I grabbed my phone and headed toward my bed.

  “Not a big deal? You never ask some random girl for someone else's number.”

  “So?” I was nervous to see what she had said. I probably shouldn't have flat out asked her on a date, but once I had already hit send, it was too late to take it back. I wasn't thinking clearly. Confused as to why I have never noticed her before, I acted before I thought. I didn't want to miss another chance. Something about this girl made me worry.

  “She hot?” Matthew sat on his desk still anxiously waiting for more details.

  “No. She's beautiful.”

  “When will I get to meet her? This sounds serious.”

  Matthew's words went in one ear and out the other. I could hear him talking faintly. My thoughts echoed loudly in my head. Looking at the wall, my mind drifted and I pictured her sitting in front of me at the game. I fantasized what it would be like to spend time with her. I wondered what would have happened if I had just left the locker room when I had the chance. Would I have caught her before she left? Would I have asked her out then or just asked for her number? I was captivated by her beauty. Something then hit me in the back of the head.

  “Hello. Earth to Chris. Are you going to be bringing her back to the room anytime soon? I want to see this chick.”

  “No, probably not for a while.” Which was true. That wasn't my intention with Zoe. She appeared to be different. I wanted to get to know her on the inside. For some reason, when I thought of Zoe, I had a burning desire for something more, something real.

  “Oh, so you're going to avoid introducing us, and you’re going to go to her place, huh?”

  “No, that's not what I'm saying at all. I asked her to go to dinner with me. I want to take her out on an actual date.”

  “Shut up. Seriously? You're ready to date again?”

  “Well, no—I mean, I can be. I wasn't planning for this to happen, but I can't stop thinking about her, and I want to get to know her. I'm not saying it'll be anything serious. I don’t know if I want a girlfriend, and I don't even really know her. I'm just going with my gut on this one, and my gut is telling me she's different in a good way. My gut tells me I need to get to know her and that something on the more serious side is maybe what I need.”

  Matthew stared at me with a blank look on his face. “What more could you possibly need? How would a girl change that?”

  “I can’t really explain.” I couldn’t seem to put my thoughts into words.

  “Well, we’re young and in school. We should have fun.”

  “You can still have fun. All I’m saying is, personally, this is maybe what I need.”

  “You could have anything or any girl you want in this school. I don’t think you should be trying so hard for this one girl. You’ve never had to take a girl on a date before to get her to like you. Why change your ways now?”

  I left the room. Matt and I were at very different places in our lives, and he didn’t seem to understand what I was saying. I’m not even sure I am understanding what I am feeling or why this one girl is making me want to be a better man, but she is.

  I threw on a pair of sweats over my boxers and sat in my bed. I stared down at my phone, afraid to see what Zoe had said.

  What if she says no?

  This was nerve wracking. I'm twenty-two years old, and I've never asked a girl out on a date before. Here I am a senior in c
ollege, a guy who always has girls fawning all over him, and I've never asked a girl out. Matt’s words haunted me too. What if I come across as a douchebag to her? What if I’m not good enough?

  What if she says yes?

  I didn't have a plan. I would need to find somewhere nice to take her. Around here there were only a few options. It was nothing like the city. I would want the night to be perfect.

  Should I get her flowers? Should I pick her up? I thought to myself, making a mental note of everything I should be prepared for. I’ve never needed to impress a girl before. This was new for me. I couldn’t screw it up.

  Opening the text, I stared at the screen and locked my phone. I stared at the black screen and saw the reflection of what appeared to be a smile on my face.

  “‘I would love to,’” I whispered her response to myself quietly.

  {7}

  Zoe

  “Hi, honey. How was class today?” Janice picked up the phone on the first ring.

  “Oh, it was okay. I’m actually calling to see if you would be able to stay later tonight. I have this…thing.”

  “Sure, don’t worry about it. What time should I tell Gabe you will be home?”

  I looked around at my surroundings and on the path ahead to see if anyone was around. I was headed toward the library to get some homework done. All I needed was for someone to overhear my conversation and spread it around campus.

  “Here’s the thing. I actually don’t know. I’m, um, sort of going on a date tonight. Can you do me a favor and keep this between us? I don’t want Gabe to know.”

  “A date?” Janice exclaimed loudly. I pulled the phone away from my ear.

  “Shh. I don’t want Gabe to hear you!”

  “He won’t. He’s taking a nap right now. Oh honey, I’m so happy for you!” I could hear it in her voice that she was smiling on the other end of the line. She always wanted the best for me and has wanted me to date for a while now.

  “Yeah, I’m still not sure about it. There’s still time to back out. I don’t know. Maybe I won’t go.”