by Nicole Heck
{24}
Zoe
My mother paced back and forth, hands over her head to open her airway when her breathing became difficult. I watched several patients being wheeled down the hallway to the surgical floor and the doctors scramble around to where they were supposed to be. My dad was hooked up to so many machines. It pained my mom to see him like that, so she wouldn’t let me in the room. At the time I didn’t understand why.
But I was thirteen. I was meddlesome. His doctor came over and asked to speak with my mother. She didn't want me to hear what kind of condition he was in, so she asked me to step aside. I did what any other kid would do. I disobeyed her orders and snuck around the corner. Quickly turning into my dad’s room, I stood there confused and in shock.
How could this happen? He was so healthy, I thought to myself while approaching his bedside.
Slowly sitting down in the chair next to him, I didn’t want to wake him, but he must have heard me because he turned his head and gently opened his eyes.
“Zoe?” When he spoke, his voice was hoarse.
“Yes, Daddy, I’m here. I’m here.” I choked on my words.
“Where’s your mother? Where’s Gabe?”
“The neighbors are here watching Gabe in the waiting room. Mom’s talking to the doctor right now.”
“Zoe.” He coughed. “I need you to listen to me. Tell your mother that I love her—”
“Daddy don’t,” I interrupted him and started to cry.
“Tell Gabe about me. Protect him like I always protected you. You will always be my baby girl, but when the time comes for prom wear a dress that makes you look like a princess. When you have your first boyfriend—” at this point he couldn’t control his cough. I handed him the cup of ice that sat next to him. My hand shook inside of his and the tears filled up my eyes. I leaned into him and began to cry hysterically in his arms.
He continued, “…and many after that. Just make sure they treat you like I treat your mother, even better in fact. You deserve the best. You won’t have to miss me because I’ll always be with you.”
“Don’t leave me, Daddy. You can’t leave mom and me and Gabe. You’re going to get better. You’ll see. The doctors will make you better. That’s why you’re in the hospital.” I reached for a tissue to wipe my nose, but immediately relieved the pressure of my body on his chest and sat up when I noticed he was having trouble breathing.
“I love you Zo Zo. Don’t ever—” His hand let go of mine and he grabbed his chest.
“Help! My Daddy needs help! Someone help me!” I screamed as loud as I could, so loud my throat started to hurt and I thought my head would explode. The doctors came running in. They tore off his hospital gown, revealing his bare chest, and shocked him. His body jolted upward in reaction. I slowly backed away, tripping over my feet. My eyes were glued to the sight of my entire world falling apart.
“Again!” the doctor yelled out.
A nurse pulled me out of the room, and I looked to my left to see my mom running. Grabbing me into her arms, she held me tight, and we watched through the window as the doctors tried to save his life. They continued to shock him, and the doctor pushed on his chest rapidly with an intense force.
Looking up, the doctor made eye contact with me through the window. I was only thirteen. I didn’t know what was going on. All I knew was in that moment the doctor saw me, and as a result he continued to keep trying. But there was nothing more they could do, and all at once the doctors slowly backed away from his body. I could no longer see because the tears in my eyes blurred my vision. Everything around me seemed to be moving in slow motion. Words began to flow from my mom’s mouth, but I don’t know what she was saying. The only voice I could hear was my dad’s. I played what he said to me over and over again in my head.
The doctor exited the room and stood to face us. Pulling his mask down to his chin, the words “I’m so sorry. We did everything we could” tore mine and my mother’s hearts into shreds.
I hoped that a doctor would never have to say those words to me again.
*
Holding Gabe’s hand while he slept, I couldn’t escape the memories of my father’s death. I looked out of the window in Gabe's hospital room and saw that Christian was still sitting there. His hand was holding his fallen head as he slept. Having Christian in my life at a time like this was a blessing. He's been there for me more than I ever expected he would be. Thinking about that scared me. It scared me because this was all new to me. Scared because it was a never-ending fear that he would leave just like everyone else has when things get too difficult.
Lifting my legs in the air, it took all of the energy I had to put both feet on the ground. Walking out into the hallway, I found a seat next to Christian. Grabbing his hand, I placed it in mine.
I gently kissed his cheek, and he awoke suddenly.
“How is he? Is he awake yet?”
“He's woken up a few times, but I told him to go back to sleep. He needs his rest, and I'm not going anywhere.”
“Me either,” he said looking me right in the eyes.
“You can leave. You don't need to stay. You need sleep.”
“I want to be here for you and Gabe. It wouldn't even cross my mind to leave you at a time like this. I'm not leaving, and you can't make me.” I looked toward the ground and watched as his other hand grabbed mine.
“Can't fight with that, I guess.”
“I asked about Gabe, but Zoe, are you okay? Be honest.”
“Yeah.“
“Look at me.“
“I can’t.“
“Look at me, Zoe.”
I looked up and stared right into Christian's eyes. I could clearly see that he was just as scared as I was. Smiling, he reassured me once more that he wasn't going anywhere. He brushed my hair out of my face. My lips were starting to tremble. With pains present in my chest, it became hard to breathe. The tears built up in my eyes. Here it is. I’ve hit my breaking point.
“I can't do this. I can't be strong anymore. It’s just too hard.”
Christian pulled me in closer and didn't let go. The tears poured down my cheeks, forming wet marks on his shirt.
“Yes, you can. Babe, you are the strongest person I know. Everything is going to be okay. He's going to get better. He will get better.”
“I'm not too sure about that.”
“What do you mean? You told me the doctor said Gabe will be fine.” He wiped the tears off of my cheek. I couldn't hide any more details from him. I needed to be honest.
“What’s going on, Zoe? You told me the doctor said Gabe will be okay,” he repeated himself.
“I lied.” The words released gently off of my tongue.
“Talk to me. What’s wrong?”
“He's getting worse, and he needs chemotherapy. We were lucky enough to be a part of a clinical trial to avoid the heavy costs of the treatments. Due to the severity of how much his cancer has advanced, I'm afraid we don't have much time anymore. If we don't get him started on chemo soon, the doctor told me it could be a year at the most.”
I could barely breathe after the words slipped through my lips. It was the first time I was saying any of this out loud. It’s the first time I have come to accept that I may only have a year left with my brother.
“He's so young. He's my only brother. My insurance won't cover it, and I have no money. I won't be able to finish school.”
“There has to be something they can do, right?” Tears fell down his face when he spoke.
“No, there's not. Chemo is our last option. We’ve tried everything else. So it's the only way he will beat this. How am I…how am I going to tell Gabe? I can't tell him he's getting worse and that I can't afford to get him the treatment he needs to stay alive, that he's going to go through hell if he gets the chemo, but it’s the only way he will get better. I can't tell him. It's going to kill me to keep this from him. Watching him go through this is going to destroy me. I don’t know how much more suffering I can wat
ch him go through.”
“He knows you are doing everything you can for him. It's going to be okay. I promise. I'm not going anywhere. We will get through this, and I say “we” because you are not alone. He's going to beat this. We are in this together.”
I looked up and saw the pain in his eyes. He kissed me softly on my forehead, and as a result, I was somehow able to find a smile through the aching pain in my heart.
“I love you.” It was the first time he’s said those three words to me.
{25}
Christian
I sat in the chair, and the nurse tied the elastic band around my lower bicep.
“Sorry, this will only pinch for a second.”
I clenched my other fist and turned my head as the blood started to come out.
“So you’re donating your bone marrow? That’s so wonderful,” the nurse asked.
“I’m hoping to. To one person specifically.”
Dr. Sheehan was able to pull me aside when Zoe left to go to the bathroom. She sent me down to the lab to get tests done to see if I would be ready to donate. When Zoe got back she had asked me to go to her house to grab a few things, which gave me the perfect opportunity to sneak out and do this.
“We’re halfway through. How are you feeling?” She asked.
“Halfway? How much blood do you need to draw.” I was starting to feel lightheaded.
“About fifteen vials. Your blood is being tested to see if your white blood cell count is high enough, among other things.”
“When will I know if it is?”
“Not for a few days.”
“What if the tests come back and I’m not ready? What do we do then?”
“You’re going to have to talk to the doctor about that.” The nurse replied while untying the band from my arm.
“We’re done.” She took the needle out from my arm and held a cotton ball down where the needle was.
I tried to stand up, but my head was spinning.
“Here, sit down for a minute. I’ll get you some juice.”
“Can you get me a piece of paper and a pen too?” I had an idea.
“Sure.” The nurse opened the curtain and headed down the hall.
Once I was finally able to leave, I made a quick exit toward my car, hoping that Zoe wouldn’t see that I was still here. Pulling in her driveway, I grabbed the letter I had written and walked toward the front door. I just needed to find the proper place to leave it.
The strong stench of cleaning supplies awakened my sense of smell as soon as I opened the door. Janice must have come over earlier to clean for them. In her kitchen I noticed that her fridge was covered in magnets, but nothing was hanging from them.
“Perfect,” I said aloud while attaching the letter to a magnet. I had no doubt she’d notice it there.
Heading up to Gabe's room, I had to catch myself on the railing as I slipped from the newly cleaned steps. Several pictures of him and Zoe were hanging along the stairway wall leading into his room. Neatly placed on his bookshelf was a picture Zoe had taken of the two of us from the first night I came over. I picked it up and held it in my hands; I had to sit down. My hands shook. Everything about this moment reminded me of James and the grief I felt after his death.
James and I shared a bathroom that connected our two rooms. In the months after his death, the tension in the house continued to rise. My mother became very overprotective and I couldn't take it anymore. She didn't want anyone going in his room; she wanted it to be left just the way it was. I think she just couldn't bear the thought of him not being in there if she looked in.
One night after getting into a huge fight with her, I went in for the first time since he died. Opening his door, I stood there, frozen. Taking slow steps, one foot in front of the other, I walked around touching various items that meant a lot to him. Most of his things were in boxes. After we packed them into our car, they had a neighbor bring them back up to his room, but they left them unpacked. It caused them too much pain.
I wiped off the dust that had accumulated on James’ trophies that lined an entire wall. He was an incredible runner and placed in almost any race he entered. As skinny as he was, James managed to pack on a decent amount of muscle, something I struggled for years to do. He had jugs of protein in one cardboard box along with the many other supplements he took. I noticed another box on his floor. I presume it contained a lot of his favorite things because he labeled it “Don't touch or open.” So I did what any other little brother would do—I opened it without giving it any thought.
Inside the box was an Mariano Rivera autographed baseball, a few shot glasses, a poster for his wall—and then I spotted it. It was a picture of the two of us after I had just made the game- winning point for my team. ‘Best Friends’ was written in marker along the bottom of the frame in poor handwriting. I gave this to him as a birthday present that year. I'll never forget that moment in the picture. It was the day I know I made my older brother proud.
Staring at the picture of Gabe. I was enraged. I didn’t want Zoe to feel the same pain I felt after losing my brother. I didn’t want her to feel it for a second time. It wouldn’t be fair to her.
Sitting down on Gabe's bed, I couldn't hold it in any longer. Lying down, I wished and prayed for Gabe to get better and let all of the tears out that I was holding back. Turning over onto my side, the water in my eyes blurred my vision, but there was something through the blurriness that caught my attention.
I used my shirt to dab my eyes and wipe away the tears so I could see clearly. Standing up I walked over toward the wall and stood in front of the picture. I reached out and slowly placed my hand next to the frame. I had to brace myself. My heart was beating so fast I thought it was going to explode.
This couldn't be real, but I looked at the picture again and again and again.
How was this possible?
{26}
Zoe
“Gabe, can I interrupt you for a minute to talk?” The sadness in my voice alarmed him. He placed his book down and turned his head toward me.
“Can you get me some water?” I heard a weakness in his voice for the first time.
With my back turned toward him, I started filling up his cup. I stared at the wall and tried to put myself together before talking to him. Dr. Sheehan said it was important for me to be strong around Gabe. Lost in thought, the water spilled all over my hand.
“Here you go.” I handed to him with a shaky hand.
“Thanks.” He took a big gulp. “What do you want to talk about?”
“Well…” I moved closer and reached for his hand.
“What’s wrong Zoe?”
“Your tests came back. Dr. Sheehan wants you to try a new treatment.” The words quickly rolled off of my tongue out of nervousness.
“Another new treatment? Am I getting worse?”
“No,” I lied to spare him the pain, “it’s just that Dr. Sheehan found a better way to end your sickness. She thinks that this will be the last treatment you will ever have to do.”
“If it doesn’t work, am I going up to heaven to see Daddy?” His eyes widened and he stared at me looking for answers. My heart ached at the panic in his voice.
“It’s going to work. Dr. Sheehan has faith that it—”
He interrupted me. “Zoe, don’t lie to me. I’m old enough to hear the truth. Am I dying?”
It took all I had not to cry.
“If we run out of treatments, the cancer could get worse. Then the angels of heaven will take you to see Daddy when God says it’s time.”
“But Zoe, I don’t want to leave you. I’ll miss you too much.” Gabe started to cry and reached for me.
I got in bed and laid next to him, holding onto him tight. He laid his head down on my chest, and I couldn’t hold it in any longer.
“You won’t leave me. I promise. You are going to fight this.”
“Will the new treatment hurt? I don’t want to be in any more pain.”
“I’m going to
be with you every step of the way. Dr. Sheehan said you might feel sick with it, but then it gets better, and then the cancer will go away.”
“Promise?” He held out his pinky.
I wrapped my pinky finger around his. “Promise.”
*
Slamming her books down on the table and pulling out a chair, Emily's abrupt entrance nearly threw me out of my chair.
“Damn it, you nearly scared the shit out of me!” I yelled. The people sitting behind us motioned for us to be quiet.
“Well, wake up so we can get this done so you can get back to Gabe quicker. How is he doing today?”
“Can we not talk about how sick my brother is for once?” I looked outside at the gloomy day.
“Wow, sorry. Do you still want me to help you then, or should I just…go?”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound so bitchy. I told him today about how he had to get chemo. It was close to the worst conversation I’ve ever had to have.”
“Oh Zoe, I’m so sorry.”
“I just wish I could help him. I wish I could take away some of his pain away.”
“I know, but the doctor seemed optimistic that this would work, right? Just try to stay positive! By the way, I talked to my parents.”
“Stop. I told you not—”
“They mailed me a check. It's not that much, but you can put it toward his chemo treatments. Zoe, he needs it, and this isn't pity money. You are my best friend. We want to help you.” She handed me the envelope from across the table.
“I really don't know what to say. Thank you. I don't know what I would do without you.”
“Alright, where did we leave off? I think we are on part 2 of the paper, right?”
“Yeah, I think we can finish the whole thing today if we split it up.” Emily and I had a very similar writing style, so she offered to write part of my paper as well to take a load off for me.