Catt Chasing

by Shana Burton

  Jamal placed his hand on her shoulder, giving her an out if she wanted to take it. “Catt, you don’t have to—”

  She shook her head. She wanted to go on. “I remember feeling this rage and anger that, ’til this day, I never felt before. I told him to shut up, but he kept taunting me and laughing at my mother. I pounced on Jimmy and wrestled him to the ground. I just wanted him to shut up!” Catt took a moment for herself. She closed her eyes and exhaled deeply.

  “I remember wrapping my fingers around his throat as he thrashed about beneath me, trying to remove my hands and catch his breath, but I was relentless. I kept choking him, telling him to take it back. He managed to topple me and get up. Then he said something I won’t ever forget.”

  “What did he say?”

  “He said, ‘You’re crazy, and your mama’s crazy too! That’s why nobody is ever going to love you!’ When he said that, something in me just snapped. I got up and attacked him again. I pushed him, and he fell to the ground. As he was lunging at me in retaliation, his foot slipped in the mud, and he fell down into the creek. He went underwater, engulfed by the rushing current.

  “A few seconds later, he resurfaced and started yelling for help. He tried to fight against the pull of the water by grabbing onto the banks of the ravine, but it dissolved into his fingernails almost as soon as he touched it.”

  Catt stared out the window, pensive and somber, talking more to herself than to Jamal. “I remember looking down at him as he was drowning. Maybe I was too young or too mad to really understand what was going on. I told him to say he was sorry for what he said about me and about my mama. He tried to talk, but his mouth filled with water. Then a wave swept over Jimmy, causing him to lose whatever grip he had. He was soon flailing about in the center of the creek being dragged along by the raging current. He pleaded for help again, causing more water to flood into his mouth and choke him. Another wave washed over his head, and he was taken underwater again. This time, only an arm appeared above the water that seemed to be grasping for anything sturdy to hold on to. His head briefly resurfaced, and he seemed to be gasping for air but was immediately sucked back down. The strong current pushed Jimmy further down the ravine until he disappeared into the dark, gaping mouth of the large drainage tunnel.”

  Catt wiped her face, wet with tears, with the back of her hand. “I can still see myself watching, completely emotionless as Jimmy was being pulled to his death. It was a few minutes before something clicked inside of me to go get help. When it did, I ran and got my grandmother, but it was too late. Jimmy was already gone.”

  The car was stifled in silence. Jamal wasn’t quite sure what to say, and Catt was doing all she could not to dissolve into a blubbering mess.

  Jamal reached for her hand again. “Catt, it wasn’t your fault. It was just a freak accident.”

  “Yeah, that’s what everybody told me, but how can I not blame myself, Jamal? I shouldn’t have attacked him. And I could’ve gotten help quicker.”

  “You were a kid!” argued Jamal. “You did what you thought was right.”

  “No, I didn’t. I wanted something bad to happen to him. I wanted him dead for saying those things about my mother, and, at the time, I wasn’t sorry that he died. I thought he deserved it.”

  “Have you talked to anyone else about this?”

  “Of course. My parents had me in counseling for months afterward—we all were. In fact, it was Jimmy’s death that made my mother see what her addiction was doing to our family. She sought help after that; we started going to church, and it was then that my dad heard the call on his life to preach.”

  “At least something positive came out of all that,” he reasoned.

  “Yes, I believe that having gone through and lived it gave my parents a powerful testimony and a stronger ministry. I just wish it hadn’t happened that way. Even now, it’s hard for me to face my aunt Debbie.”

  “Does she blame you?”

  “She says she doesn’t. Both she and my grandmother had been warning Jimmy about playing down at the creek for years, but it doesn’t matter whether they blame me. I blame me!”

  “But it wasn’t your fault.”

  “I know that in my head. The heart is a different story.”

  “Catt, you’re always talking about God and forgiveness. Don’t you think at some point He wants you to forgive yourself?”

  She ran her fingers through her hair. “You’re right. My dad has been telling me the same thing for years. It’s just . . .” She sighed. “I feel like I need to know that Jimmy forgives me, that he knows how sorry I am that I let that happen to him.”

  “I admit that I don’t know as much about this heaven and religion stuff as you do, but I have a feeling that he does know and that he forgave you a long time ago.”

  A tear rolled down Catt’s cheek. “If I could just talk to him one last time. There’s so much I want to say to him.”

  Jamal looked over at her. “Why don’t you trying talking to me?” he asked softly.

  “I’m talking to you now.”

  “No, I mean, talk to me like I’m him. Pretend like I’m Jimmy.”

  She was puzzled. “What do you mean?”

  Jamal pulled into the parking lot of a shopping center and took the keys out of the ignition. Catt looked around their surroundings. “Why are we here?”

  “I trusted you when you led me to Christ. I want you to trust me now.”

  Catt pressed her lips together and looked him in the eye. “I do trust you.”

  “Good. Jimmy’s gone, and you can’t talk to him, but you can say everything you want to say to him to me. Get it off your chest.”

  She shook her head. “Jamal, that’s sweet of you to offer, but you don’t have to do this.”

  “Have you ever known me to do anything I didn’t want to do? I know it’s weird, but I think it’ll help. Trust me . . . I’ve seen this done on TV.”

  “Wow, that really makes me feel better,” she threw in sarcastically.

  “Just try it. It can’t hurt, right?”

  “Okay . . .” She drew in a deep breath and squeezed his hands. “Umm, there’s something I want to say to you, that I’ve wanted to say to you for a long time.”

  “Go on.”

  She looked at Jamal but projected Jimmy’s face onto his. She could almost see Jimmy’s heart-shaped face, dimpled cheeks, and fuzzy mane. “First of all, I want to say that I’m sorry. I never should have come after you the way I did. You weren’t much older than me, and I know you weren’t trying to be malicious. You were just repeating what everyone else had said.

  “I was hurt because deep down, I knew you were telling the truth. No one wants to believe that their mother is a drug addict, so it’s easier to kill the messenger. I think in my mind, I believed that if I could make you stop saying that, it wouldn’t be true. I loved her so much, I didn’t want to see her as anything other than perfect.” Catt paused.

  “Is there anything else you want to say?”

  She nodded. “I’m sorry that I couldn’t save you.” Catt stopped to recant her apology. “No, I’m sorry that I didn’t do anything to save you. Truth be told, at the moment, I wanted you dead. I didn’t care that you had a mother and an older sister who loved you, that our grandmother adored you, or that you had a life and destiny to fulfill. I didn’t care about all the people who would be hurt and affected if something happened to you. I wanted you to hurt the way I was hurting. I wanted you to suffer. I was so selfish. I know I was young, but that’s no excuse.

  “I want you to know how much I loved you, and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about you and regret what happened that day. When I think about you down in that ditch in the dark, scared and cold, my heart breaks for you. I would do anything to take it back, but I can’t. All I can do is hope that you’ve forgiven me.

  “I want you to know that your death was not in vain,” she proclaimed. “It was the catalyst for getting my mother clean and bringing us al
l closer to the Lord. My mother went on to be a powerful woman of God, and my father’s church is growing every day. So many souls and lives have been saved as a result of his ministry. It in no way makes up for you losing your life, but you can take comfort in knowing that your life made a lasting impact on so many others. I just hope that, in spite of everything, you found it in your heart to forgive me.”

  “There’s one thing you can still do,” broke in Jamal. “You can forgive yourself.”

  “I’m trying to. It’s hard. I can still see him going down that creek. I still hear him begging me to get help. I can still see his hand reaching for somebody or something to grab and grasping nothing but air.”

  “Do you remember what you told me about Kennedy? You said that she probably knows more about God now than she ever would have on earth. Believe it or not, that is a comfort to me. I know I don’t have to feel bad or guilty about her not being here because I know she’s in a better place. Why can’t it be like that for Jimmy?”

  “It’s not the same. You did all you could to save your little girl. I practically did nothing to save my cousin.”

  “Don’t you think I’ve gone over it in my head a thousand times? I’ve asked myself, ‘What if I’d done something differently that day?’ ‘What if I’d taken another street and gotten her to the hospital faster?’ ‘What if I’d been more religious?’ You can drive yourself crazy thinking about everything you did or didn’t do right. I’ve just had to accept that some things are out of my control.” He paused before going on. “That’s why you have to have faith that God knows what He’s doing.”

  Catt was stunned. “Did I hear you correctly, O ye of little faith?”

  “I guess you’re rubbing off on me,” he admitted. “I look at you, and you’re so strong in your faith and convictions. I can’t help but think if you’re this serious about it, there must be some truth to it.”

  Catt reached over and threw her arms around his neck. “Hearing you say that makes all the difference, Jamal.”

  He pulled away from her. “Now, I didn’t say I’m ready to jump into the pulpit or nothing like that,” he clarified.

  “I know. I’m just glad to hear you say that you want to put more faith in God than you do yourself. That’s what it’s all about.”

  “What about you? Did you say everything that needed to be said to Jimmy?”

  Catt nodded. “I think so. I don’t feel like I’m carrying as much of the weight around anymore. Talking about it helped. I’d been keeping a lot of that bottled up since I was a little girl.”

  “I’m just glad I could be there for you.” Jamal’s smile lightened the mood. “So let’s see . . . you told me about losing your virginity, I told you about losing my daughter. You saved my soul; I helped you make peace with your dead cousin. We’ve got less than a week left on this journey. Have all our skeletons exposed all there is to know about each other, or are there still a few surprises left to come to the surface?”

  They looked warily at each other, but neither of them answered. They hit the road again in silence, wondering how many more secrets lay dormant, waiting to be revealed between Connecticut and North Carolina.

  Chapter 26

  “Do you know that this is the first Easter I can remember that I haven’t been in church?” announced Catt over breakfast in the hotel’s lobby Easter morning.

  “Well, you’ve got a good excuse for not being there. It’s not like you passed up church to spend the day in bed.”

  “There is no excuse!” contended Catt. “Resurrection Sunday is the most important day in the life of a Christian. It’s the basis for our entire faith.”

  “Won’t it still be the basis whether you’re sitting on somebody’s pew this morning?”

  Catt tossed her half-eaten biscuit on the plate. “I still feel like I should be in church today. Correction—that we should be in church today.”

  Jamal shook his head. “Catt, we’ve got at least eight hours of driving ahead of us today. My plan is to check out of here by eleven, fill up the car, and be checking into our new hotel before 8:00 tonight. We’ve got a hectic schedule tomorrow, and I want to be well-rested for an early start.”

  “I don’t think a couple of hours will make that much of a difference.”

  “That’s because you’re not the one doing the driving,” he countered. “I hate driving at night. If we leave on time, we’ll almost be there before nightfall.”

  “I think the Lord will bless us if we make the sacrifice and go to church.”

  “Have you noticed that you always throw in the Lord when you want to get your way?”

  She exhaled. “Okay, I’ll admit I have played the Christ card once or twice, but it’s not like that this time.” Jamal wasn’t convinced. “I’ll make a deal with you. If we go to church, I’ll take the wheel once it gets dark.”

  “And how many times have you promised to help drive, then conveniently dozed off when it’s your turn? No!”

  “All right, so I’ve dropped the ball a few times when it comes to driving, but what I lack in driving assistance, I make up for with witty dialogue and thought-provoking conversation.”

  “That’s debatable,” he deadpanned.

  “How about I promise to cook you the best meal you’ve ever had the second we get back to Charlotte?” she bargained.

  “The meal I want the second we get back does not come on a plate.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Can you not be crass today of all days?”

  “Sorry . . . old habits.”

  “Jamal, I’m not going to beg you. I’m perfectly capable of calling a cab to pick me up and take me to the nearest church.”

  “Be sure to let the cabbie take you on to St. Louis too, because I plan to be long gone by the time you get back.”

  She flung down her napkin. “Fine, I’ll meet you in St. Louis.”

  Jamal rose from the table. “Do you, Catt. I’m going to go back to the room, pack, take a shower, and hit the road. I’m taking off at eleven with or without you.”

  She sulked but stood her ground. “I’m not afraid. The Lord will make a way.”

  “You better pray He does!”

  Jamal returned to the lobby an hour and a half later to begin loading the truck. He spotted Catt talking to the front-desk clerk. “You packed?” he asked her.

  “Actually, this very nice woman was just giving me the name of a church not too far from here,” she replied, refusing to look at him. “A cab is on the way to get me.”

  Jamal let out a coarse chuckle. “Bullheaded ’til the end, I see. If you’re doing this for theatrics, you can save it. Your time would be better spent bringing your bags down and putting them into the SUV. Checkout is in thirty minutes.”

  “I’ve arranged for a late checkout. I’m not leaving until after church, but thank you for the suggestion.”

  Jamal shook his head and started for the door. He dropped his suitcase and turned around. “Catt, this is ridiculous! Get your stuff and let’s go!”

  “I already told you, Jamal; I’m going to church today. You don’t have to wait for me. I’ll be just fine.”

  Jamal muttered something to himself and rubbed his temples. “I really will leave you. You do know that, don’t you?”

  “Yes.”

  “And no cab is going to drive you from here to St. Louis.”

  “I can book a flight if necessary.”

  “You don’t even know how to get to the hotel we’re registered at,” he pointed out.

  “That’s what directions are for.” She turned away from the desk. “Besides, Oni is supposed to be meeting us in St. Louis. If need be, I’ll try to hitch a ride with her. You’re going to be late. Better leave now if you want to make it there before dusk.”

  Jamal huffed, annoyed at how stubborn she was, and secured his luggage inside of the trunk. He returned to the front desk to check out and give back the room key. Catt was seated in a chair reading her Bible.

  He strolled over to h
er. “Cab on the way?”

  She didn’t look up from reading. “It should be here any second now.”

  “Did you decide how you’re getting to St. Louis?”

  “I’ll think of something. I’m very resourceful.”

  “It’s not too late for you to change your mind. I’ll even go up and get your bags if you want.”

  “No, thank you.”

  Jamal breathed out. “So you’re really going to go through with this?”

  “You’re making it sound like I’m plotting to take over the world! I’m just going to church. It’s Easter. I need to be there.”

  “You won’t even know anyone there.”

  “I know the one I need to know.” A horn honked outside. Catt peered through the glass doors and spied a taxi waiting out front. She tucked her Bible into her purse and stood up. “There’s my ride. Guess I’ll see you in St. Louis.”

  “I guess so.” Jamal grabbed her and pulled her into a hug. “Get there safely.”

  “I will.” She smoothed out her dress and walked out.

  Jamal quietly counted to ten. He’d wagered in his mind that Catt was going to come back before he got to five. He had to hand it to her—she was nothing if not dramatic.

  By the time five came and went, Jamal rushed to the door just in time to see the cab peeling off with Catt inside.

  “She actually left!” he muttered in astonishment. Before the shock wore off, Jamal raced to the door to see in which direction the cab went, but he’d lost sight of it.

  “Shoot!” he cried, then remembered the woman at the front desk. He dashed to the counter. “Excuse me,” he said, vying for the woman’s attention. “Can you tell me where she went?”