The Reason

by Jen Andrews

  “Good chills or bad chills?” I asked.

  “Good,” he said suggestively.

  “Um, I’m not really sure,” I stated honestly after thinking about it for a minute. “So I’m guessing you like your back being touched?”

  “It drives me crazy…in a good way,” he admitted. The way he enunciated the word good, I knew exactly what he meant.

  Noted for future reference!

  “This is definitely a conversation for another day.” I let out a nervous breath and laughed to ease my tension.

  He agreed. “Yes. This is definitely not a conversation for today.”

  I rolled onto my side to face him, propping myself up on my elbow. “If you still want to see where things go with us, I’m ready to try,” I finally said.

  His eyes lit up, and a grin eased across his beautiful face. “Are you sure?”

  I gave him a reassuring smile. “I’m positive. I don’t want anyone else, but I’ll understand if you’re hesitant now, after all the stupid shit I’ve pulled.”

  I needed him to understand why I changed my mind about him. While I was staying at my parents’ house, I found the perfect song to explain my feelings when my brain was too weary to form words to speak. When I found the song, I played it repeatedly and cried for hours, because the lyrics moved me so intensely, emotionally.

  “Will you listen to a song for me? I think it will help me explain me a little better. I’m still having a hard time trying to clarify some of the thoughts in my head.”

  “Remember, I said I’d do anything for you, and I meant it. Let’s check out this song.”

  After locating my iPod, I scrolled to the song “The Reason” by the band Hoobastank. I handed him my iPod and my ear buds, but instead of him listening to the song alone, he asked me to listen to it with him.

  As the song played, he took my hand in his and brought it to his lips to kiss my fingers. The entire time he listened to the song, he was touching me. He reached over and stroked my cheek with his thumb, gently brushing it back and forth. Andy held my hand and comforted me when my eyes became teary because of how he was looking at me while he listened to the words.

  In his expression, I saw glimpses of love, worry, and surprise. But most of all, it was the empathy in his eyes that made me break down crying.

  I knew, from the look on his face, that he understood why I needed him to listen to it. When the song was over, he took the ear buds and set them on the bed.

  “Zoey, am I the reason?”

  His voice went from speaking normally to a whisper as he finished the sentence. It was an emotional moment for us both. The way he whispered “the reason,” I knew he understood what I was trying to tell him. I nodded and let the tears flow freely, without worrying what he thought of me.

  He pulled me into his arms and let me cry. “Let it all go, Beautiful,” he whispered as he gently brushed his fingers through my hair.

  So many things were going through my mind that I wanted to tell him, and for once, I knew I could. Andy listening to the song with me had brought it all to the surface.

  “If I could have played this song for you the day I left, I would have, so you would have understood why I needed to leave. You are the reason for everything I’ve done in the last two weeks. You are the reason we are sitting here now. I was so fucking lost until I met you. My life was on a downward spiral, and I wanted out of it, but there was no reason for me to try.”

  I took a deep breath as he wiped the tears off my cheeks and let me continue.

  “Then, you came here and changed everything. When we danced on my birthday, I was so happy…and I wanted to tell you that I wanted to be with you. When you rejected me, I swear it felt like my entire world dropped out from under me…”

  My voice faltered at the memory, and I had to stop to compose myself.

  “Andy, I’m so sorry I hurt you that night. When you texted me and asked me to listen to the song after you left…I knew I needed to do something. Your leaving was the best thing you could have done for me. I hope you understand that.”

  He squeezed me tighter and whispered the most amazing words in my ear. “I do, Zoey. Who else gets you the way I do? It killed me to walk away from you, but I didn’t know what else to do to get your attention. You shut me out, and I hated it. I’m sorry if I hurt you, too. Will you forgive me?”

  I pulled away from him and held his face in my hands. “There is nothing to forgive. If anything, I need to thank you for making me realize I needed to let go and start over. Thank you…for being my reason. Every single word of that song is meant for you. I want to be the perfect person for you, and I am going to try with everything I have if you’ll let me.”

  “I don’t want to rush you, Zoey. It hasn’t been very long since you left. I’m still worried about you.”

  Obviously, I understood why he was worried, but I could deal with it. “One day at a time, then?”

  “Yes. Can I kiss you now?”

  “Yes!” I responded enthusiastically.

  “See, it wasn’t so hard to say yes, was it?” he teased.

  “Well,” I said with a hint of sarcasm, “when the question is whether you can kiss me or not…there is no way in hell I’m saying no.”

  I’d been waiting since I woke up that morning for that very second. I leaned forward and met his lips with mine. His lips parted, and I eased my tongue inside his mouth, meeting his. He was letting me control the situation, and I appreciated it more than he would ever know.

  We continued to kiss, but I didn’t want to go overboard, so I slowly pulled back and rested my forehead on his. Merely stopping everything, and resting against each other like that, took all the bad feelings and nervousness away.

  When he had pressed his forehead to mine two weeks earlier, when I was leaving, it was the most calming, peaceful feeling I’d experienced in ages. Aside from it being insanely hot too, that is.

  “We better get going before everybody wonders where we’re at.”

  He pressed his lips to mine one last time before we loaded our bags and Christmas packages into my Audi and headed over to my parents’ house.

  We arrived at my parents’ and packed our first armload of presents inside. It took two trips to get everything out of my car. After we put all the presents around the base of the tree, my two nephews ambushed us.

  “Aunt Zoey!” Jake yelled, as Alex ran to me holding up his arms so I would pick him up.

  I knelt down on the floor, and they both slammed into me for a hug. I picked them up, one in each arm, and headed to the living room with them giggling. I playfully tossed them onto the couch and introduced them to Andy. Alex was a bit shy, so he didn’t say much. Jake, on the other hand, he was a talker.

  Andy knelt down in front of them on the floor. “Eh, guys,” he said, way over exaggerating his accent. “Are you two ready to open all those Chrissy pressies over there tomorrow morning?” He pointed to all their presents under the tree. Both boys stared at him with surprised expressions on their faces.

  “Anny talks funny, Aunt Zoey,” Jake squealed. Everyone laughed, including Andy. Little Jake had a hard time saying his D’s, so we were amused at him calling Andy, Anny.

  My sister-in-law, Heather, scolded her son. “Jake, it’s not nice to say that someone talks funny.” She didn’t even need to tell him to, but Jake apologized to Andy. He knew he’d forgotten his manners. He was such a good kid.

  “Andy has an accent that makes him sound different than us,” I explained to my nephew. “You know how Grandma sounds when she speaks Spanish, right? It’s because she is from Mexico. Andy’s from a country called New Zealand, Jakey, so he talks like people from New Zealand.”

  “Oh, Anny, okay,” he said brightly, obviously comprehending what I told him.

  Jake jumped off the couch and ran over to the globe my parents kept on a shelf. “Anny, you show me Noo Zeelan?” He smacked the globe with the palm of his hand, sending it spinning on its axis.

  “Sure
thing, mate,” Andy replied happily. He went over to Jake, who had taken the globe from the shelf and sat down on the floor with it.

  “Anny, please sit!” Jake demanded excitedly.

  Andy covered his mouth to stifle his laugh, as my family watched on amused. He sat next to where Jake was in the middle of the floor. Jake crawled right onto Andy’s lap, pulling the globe with him. Andy looked up at me from the floor and grinned.

  I swore I felt my ovaries ache when that man smiled up at me. I chuckled at the thought. “I’m going to help Mom. Have fun, you two.”

  “Mom, we’re here,” I said when I found her shredding meat for the tamales we were having for Christmas Eve dinner.

  “Andy came with you, Mija?” she asked happily.

  “Yeah, he did,” I replied as I washed my hands at the kitchen sink.

  She smiled at me and continued working. I mixed the masa for the tamales, and then started on the salsa. Jess and Noah came in just as we were finishing up to see if we needed any help.

  “Hey, you made it.” I was glad to see Jess, so I could tell her about Andy.

  “Sorry we’re late, but we needed to stop at the store. I made a cheesecake, and you-know-who refuses to eat it without whipped cream. Even though we all know it totally ruins cheesecake,” she joked as she playfully elbowed my brother in the ribs.

  Noah gave me a one armed hug around the shoulders. “Hi, sis, it’s good to see you both here.”

  I hugged him back. “Thanks. I’m glad he came.”

  Noah kissed me on the side of the head and left the kitchen after a mischievous swat to Jess’s butt.

  “So, Zoey,” Jess said inquisitively. “You and Andy are together now, huh?”

  It took less than two minutes for the inquisition to begin.

  I smiled nervously. “We’re going to give it a try, day by day.”

  She hugged me. I mean, she really hugged me. Not a quick meaningless hug, but the kind of hug you get from someone who truly loves you and is happy for you. I hugged her back the same way.

  “I’m so happy for you, Z.” She held me at arm’s length, looking me in the eyes. “Noah really likes him, and the first time I see him, he’s sitting on the floor with a four-year-old. That says a lot about him.”

  I nodded, tears suddenly stinging my eyes. “Jess, I’m scared to death.”

  Jess pulled me back into a hug. “You love him, don’t you?” she whispered.

  She knew me too well. I mumbled something resembling the word yes.

  “It’s a good thing, Z. You deserve to be happy. You know that, right?”

  Before I answered, I heard a noise and looked up as Andy pushed open the kitchen door. He paused when he saw me, trying to decide if he should come in or not. I let go of Jess.

  “Hey, come in. We’re just having a moment.” I smiled to reassure him. “Did you two meet yet?” They both said yes at the same time, and then made small talk while I wiped away the tears that spilled over when I blinked.

  “Jessie, can you help me set the table?” my mom called from the dining room. Jess grinned and left the room to help my mom. It would be another hour before we ate, so I knew my mom was giving me a minute alone with Andy.

  “Sorry,” he said. “I came in to get a juice box for Jake. I didn’t mean to interrupt you and Jess. Are you alright?”

  He stayed where he was as he waited for my answer. Taking the initiative, I went to him instead. “Yeah, I’m good. I promise. Jess and I were talking about you,” I admitted.

  “And it made you cry?” he asked seriously.

  “Don’t worry. It was a good cry.”

  He slipped his arms around me and leaned back against the counter, pulling me with him. We stood in silence, his chin resting on the top of my head. I loved that we didn’t need to say anything to feel the connection with each other. It was just there.

  “What are you lovely ladies making in here?” he asked after a few minutes. “It smells delicious.” We still held on to each other as I told him what we were having for dinner.

  The kitchen door swung open and Jake ran in. “Anny!” he called, “I lost Noo Zeelan!”

  We pulled away from each other. “I’ll help you find it again, mate,” Andy told him as he hoisted Jake up over his shoulder and took him to the fridge for his juice.

  “I better get back to work on this food if we want to eat sometime today,” I said. Andy reached over and stroked my cheek with his free hand. Silent words of understanding passed between us.

  I grinned at Andy because he was so at ease with my nephew. Darn my aching ovaries, they were making me think crazy things.

  “Bye, Aunt Zoey!” Jake yelled as they turned and left the room.

  When dinner was ready, we sat around the long dining room table and passed around platters of food, filling our plates. It was nice to be with my entire family and Andy. He really did fit in well with all of us. He joked around with my brothers, played with my nephews, and helped clean up after dinner.

  The guys played several rounds of poker, as the girls sat and talked, and the kids took much needed naps. I caught up on what was going on in the lives of my sister-in-law, Heather, and Adam’s girlfriend, Angie. It had been too long since I’d seen them.

  I also wished Jeremy would find a decent woman soon. He was going to be single forever if he didn’t get his shit together. I worried about him the most. He was an awesome person, but really needed a woman who would calm him down some. At age twenty-eight, he was enjoying the single life and had girls fawning over him wherever he went. He had gorgeous olive-colored skin and dark hair like my mom, and was tall and fit like my dad. He also inherited my dad’s big blue-gray eyes and long, thick eyelashes. I had heard many times, from all my girlfriends, it was a lethal combination.

  We gathered back in the dining room for Jess’s cheesecake and some frosted Christmas cookies that Heather had made. Jason stood up from his seat at the table as we were eating.

  “Heather and I have an announcement,” he said proudly.

  Everyone went completely silent, waiting for it, even though we already knew what he was going to say. We’d heard the same speech twice before.

  “Well, get on with it already,” my dad teased as he beamed up at his first-born son.

  “We’re gonna have another baby,” Jason said excitedly.

  Heather stood and kissed him on the cheek, and he placed his hand on her still flat stomach.

  “We found out a while ago, but we wanted to wait until everyone was together to announce it. I’m due at the beginning of July,” Heather added.

  She was already glowing. My sister-in-law was a wonderful mom, and I hoped I would be like her someday.

  The room filled with happy chatter and questions about whether they wanted a boy or a girl this time.

  I stood and hugged my brother and his wife. “I’m happy for you two. Congratulations.” The family took turns congratulating them, while I sat on my chair and pushed my slice of cheesecake around on my plate.

  My mind started racing with thoughts of the future; my possible future, if this relationship worked out with Andy. He was good with my nephews and seemed to like kids. We were both married before, and I had been pregnant. Would he want to get married again and have kids?

  One day at a time, Zoey. One day at a time!

  I calmed myself back down, but Andy had already noticed my tension. He squeezed my hand, and his eyebrows furrowed, as a silent question passed between us. I squeezed his hand back, letting him know I was okay.

  Later that night, everyone said their goodbyes and headed to their homes. We told my mom and dad goodnight, and then went into my bedroom. Andy kicked off his shoes and laid face down on the bed, complaining because he ate too much, but couldn’t stop himself from doing it, because everything tasted so good.

  I’d had several thoughts swimming around in my head for the past few hours, most of them revolving around marriage and kids. “Andy? You’re going to be a great dad someday,�
� I blurted out as I unpacked the bag I brought from home.

  He raised up on his elbows and looked over at me with a startled expression on his face. “Where did that come from, Zoey?”

  I giggled at his question. “You were good with my nephews today. Jake absolutely loved you,” I noted. “Even if he did call you Anny.”

  He chuckled. “He’s a good kid. Very inquisitive.”

  I finished unpacking my clothes and tossed the empty bag into the closet. “Andy?” I wasn’t sure how to bring up the subject, so I spilled everything. “I’m on the pill, just so you know. And I’ve had all the other tests done for STDs too, so if the time comes, we don’t need to worry about that.” I laid down on the bed next to him and scooted close, facing him.

  “Zoey that conversation can wait for another day too.”

  “No, it’s fine. I want to talk about it. I think we should talk about as much as we can and get to know each other better. Is that okay with you?”

  “Of course,” he replied. “I’ll do anything you need me to.”

  I felt a little guilty, putting all of my issues on him, but he needed to know me. I got an idea, so I gathered the family photo albums and brought them back to my room. We sat on the bed and went through them together. He thought it was sad that there were no photos of me prior to age fourteen.

  “I don’t even know what I looked like as a baby,” I said sadly. “Almost everything in my life before I came here is a blur.”

  Andy slowly flipped through the pages, taking in everything. He stopped when he found several photos of me from high school. “What were you like in school?” he asked.

  I sighed, knowing I wanted to tell him about my past, but dreaded telling him. He needed to understand the reasons why I was the way I was.

  “I wasn’t the greatest teenager,” I admitted. “I got decent grades, and did well in choir, but for the first two years of high school, I was angry and…oh God.” I paused. This was harder than I thought. Was he going to think less of me, because of the stupid shit I did, because nobody taught me right from wrong growing up?

  He reached over and laced his fingers with mine. “Take your time. We don’t have to rush this.”