Kiss Cam

by Kiara London

  At this point it seems that either way one of us is going to get hurt—but I don’t know how to stop it.

  THE TALK WITH my dad gives me a lot to think about, but Kissmas makes it hard to decide what to do. After mulling over the problem for a while, I’ve decided that my dad is right. I know I already had time to think about Kiss Cam before we started it. I also know that things shouldn’t be weird unless feelings are involved—that’s what Jasper and I discussed—however, I can’t ignore the fact that my dad is right. This whole thing is dirty. How can I kiss Jasper and then turn around and flirt with the attractive boy who sits behind me in calculus? What does that say about me? What does it say about Jasper?

  A part of me wants to think like Jasper and not care about what is considered “normal” and what is considered “abnormal.” Like him, I’d just like to go with the flow. But I know that one of us has to be responsible—and since I know he never will, that leaves me. I have to be the one to end this arrangement, because it’s just not right for friends to behave this way. We’ve gone too far.

  The problem is I’m conflicted, even though I know my decision is right. How will we be able to drop Kiss Cam when Kissmas has made it so popular? What are our viewers going to say when we suddenly end the segment we’ve put so much emphasis on and know they enjoy? How is Jasper going to react when I tell him I can’t go through with this anymore? Is he going to respect that I’m no longer comfortable with it, or is he somehow going to convince me that the segment needs to stay?

  I know he doesn’t want Kiss Cam to end. He gets all giddy every time he gets an e-mail about it, reads a comment about our ship, or starts filming the next day of Kissmas. He thinks it’s some sort of fun challenge. It’s a game to him. He’s not going to understand.

  I get nervous every time I consider all the conflicts that could arise the moment I put Kiss Cam on the chopping block. I feel even worse when Jasper kisses me over the next three days, because he doesn’t know how Kissmas is going to end.

  But it was the deal from the beginning. When I say stop, we stop.

  Waking up Christmas morning still gives me the same warm feeling that it did when I was younger. The only difference is instead of waking up at seven in the morning to jump on my parents’ bed, I wake up at ten in the morning and bang on my parents’ door before heading to the bathroom to try and make myself semi-presentable. If you have parents like mine, you know how crucial it is to tidy up a bit before opening gifts, because even if you get a pair of socks, you’re taking a picture. Twenty years from now I’m not going to care about that pair of socks, but for the sake of “memories,” I have to go through with the whole process—even if I have to fake a smile.

  My parents make it downstairs before I do, and my mom goes ahead and turns on all the Christmas lights. She’s also taken time to light all her cinnamon-apple candles, which is going to make the house smell sweet before we finish exchanging gifts.

  After my dad gets the camera, we all sit down in front of the tree my mom and I decorated a couple of weeks back. I watch my dad’s face light up when he opens the gift from my mother, I watch her gush over some diamond earrings, and my parents capture my face after I open every single present they got me. There is hugging and more picture taking that makes my cheeks hurt. My mom starts laughing so hard she cries when my dad tries to set up his new tent in the living room but can’t even get it to stand upright. I do end up getting a new pair of fuzzy socks, so I slide down the hall in them until I lose my balance and fall down.

  My mom makes homemade cinnamon rolls later in the morning, and I go back to my bedroom to change. Every year my family and Jasper’s go over to Lenny’s house for a big meal. It gives Lenny, Jasper, and me an opportunity to chill out and exchange gifts while our parents socialize with one another.

  Usually, I just throw my hair up and go in my sweatpants, but I can’t this time. While our parents are catching up over sugar cookies and Mrs. Davis’s homemade white hot chocolate, Lenny, Jasper, and I are going to sneak off to film the final day of Kissmas. If I’m getting kissed—especially on camera—I need to do better than pulling on a sweatshirt so I don’t have to wear a bra. So I dab on a little makeup, and dress in a white sweater and dark jeans. The effort I put in doesn’t go unnoticed by my dad, either, because when I meet him and my mom downstairs I receive a raised eyebrow once he’s taken in my appearance. The suspicion stops at him, though, because my mom sighs in relief upon seeing me—praising God I’ve matured enough to realize that my appearance is a direct reflection on how she’s raised me.

  We walk across the street to Lenny’s house, just kitty-corner from ours. His parents welcome us at the door with Jade and Ruby at their sides. Both girls shove their way through the door to hug my legs, and my mom hands her cinnamon rolls over to Lenny’s mom.

  Then we’re inside and Lenny’s sisters are trying to show me everything they got for Christmas and Lenny, decked out in flannel pajamas, is trying to pull them off me. I’m too overwhelmed by food and Leeann’s hugs and the Davises’ perfectly decorated house to even notice Jasper’s absence. When everything final settles down, though, I realize he missed the food. After being served some of Mrs. Davis’s white hot chocolate and sitting through Jade and Ruby’s gift presentation, I’m able to sneak off with Lenny—leaving his entirely blond family with mine and Leeann.

  “He ate before you came and locked himself in my room so Jade and Ruby couldn’t bother him while he was setting up,” Lenny explains to me as he drags me up the winding staircase behind the kitchen. I’ve been wondering where Jasper has been hiding, and Lenny didn’t want to explain it to me in the middle of our families, lest they notice his disappearance, too.

  “I’m just surprised he got away with it,” I say breathlessly at the landing. “Leeann’s always bragging about him.”

  “She’s got herself to celebrate this year,” he replies. “You know, with her promotion and all. She’s too excited to talk about our vlog.”

  “Thank God. My dad knows about Kiss Cam, and I don’t think he needs a reason to bring it up,” I tell him.

  Lenny stops just in front of his bedroom and yanks my arm back. “He knows what?”

  I glance at his door, knowing Jasper’s just behind it. “He saw right through me,” I whisper. “Hickey and all.”

  “Shit,” he mutters.

  “Yeah.” I sigh. “We talked and it got me thinking—but I think I need to tell you and Jas at the same time.”

  “Uh-oh.” He searches my face, trying to guess what I could be talking about.

  “Yep,” I sigh again, and take a final stride toward his bedroom door and open it.

  Lenny and I step in to find Jasper is wearing that stupid Santa cap he’d stolen back from me and standing underneath some perfectly hung mistletoe.

  “Merry Christmas,” he greets us, opening his arms dramatically to display the busy Christmas tree pattern on his sweater.

  I smile, “Merry Christmas.”

  He flashes his pearly whites and places his hands on his hips. “Are you ready for this?”

  Lenny closes the door behind us and then comes to stand by my side. I toss him a side glance and then nod at Jasper. “I am,” I say. “But I’ve got some news first.”

  Jasper shrugs. “What news?”

  The smile I wear falters, and my heart begins pounding for no real reason at all. “Well, my dad knows about Kiss Cam now—”

  Jasper’s smile vanishes. “Is he downstairs right at this very moment? Is he going to kill me?”

  I snort at the absurdity of the idea of my dad wanting to kill Jasper for kissing me. My dad likes Jasper way too much, so that pretty much guarantees that will never happen.

  “No.” I laugh, and then collect myself, knotting my fingers together behind my back. “It’s just, you know, weird that he knows. And it kind of got me thinking that we shouldn’t do Kiss Cam anymore.”

  Jasper’s posture sinks and Lenny moans pathetically, “Aw, June. No.”r />
  I shrug defeatedly. “I know, guys. But I think maybe this should be our finale, you know? After this, I don’t think continuing while my dad knows is a good idea. I’ve got a crazy guilty conscience just being up here right now. Besides, I miss the good ole days when it was just the three of us making stupid daily videos. Unscripted, no pressure, just fun. I think Lenny’s really gotten the short end of the stick here.” I gesture at Lenny, and he wraps an arm around me, but I can’t tell what Jasper is thinking. His expression is vacant.

  I hope that it makes them understand why Kiss Cam needs to stop. The popularity on VlogIt isn’t worth it. My guilty conscience is eating me alive. Plus, we’re a broken group. Lenny gets pushed to the side, and it turns into the June and Jas show. We’re vloggers, not some reality TV stars. We need to face the facts. We need to see the repercussions.

  “Okay,” Jasper finally says, and the light returns to his eyes. He just needed a moment to process. “You say enough is enough, then that’s what it is.”

  “Really?” I say, my voice hopeful. Lenny squeezes my shoulder.

  “Anything for you, Juniper, dear.” Jasper winks. “Just kiss me good. It’s Christmas, after all.”

  I realize Jasper is my best friend, sure, but he’s also a great kisser. He’s gawky, yes, but he knows how to make me blush. He’s not the hottest guy I’ve shared a kiss with, but his suggestiveness and unfailing wit make him hard to ignore. He’s disgusting, but he’s charming. He’s difficult, but he’s passionate. Right now, I’m going to forget the fact that he’s my gawky best friend who’s disgusting and difficult and allow myself to drink up the other side of him.

  Lenny picks up the camera, and I march up to Jasper and wipe off his goofy grin with a kiss that makes my toes curl and his fingers tangle in my hair. It’s a final kiss, and we give it everything. It leaves a lighthearted feeling dancing amid the heat. Every messed-up best-friend fantasy I’d been blushing over for the past couple of weeks runs through my mind, so I kiss them away. I leave them on his lips, sealed with a kiss. And then it’s done.

  “On the twelfth day of Kissmas Jasiper leaves their ship, a final kiss they’ll never forget,” Lenny sings.

  New Year’s Eve my parents are back at work, so I do what I’ve always done: bring my lonely self to Jasper’s.

  After the last kiss we shared under the mistletoe on Christmas, we’ve pretty much returned to normal. Since we aren’t kissing every day anymore, the whole idea of Kiss Cam feels like something from the past. And even though we all know it’s a very recent thing, we don’t treat it that way.

  But I have to admit. I do miss having to be on my toes, ready for Jasper to swoop out of nowhere and kiss me in the way I’ve grown so used to. It sort of feels like something is missing, but I figure it’s normal—all part of adjusting.

  The viewers figured out Lenny’s riddle from the last Kissmas video, which in combination with our weeklong kissing hiatus, has turned them berserk. Although some cheeky viewers speculate that Jasiper kisses may be over, but perhaps there is hope for Leniper or Jenny.

  And I did try to get some Jenny action. But to no avail. With Kiss Cam off the table, Lenny was having none of it.

  Now Jasper’s feet are propped up on the coffee table in his cramped living room. He’s popped popcorn and pulled out the Pop-Tarts and Dr Pepper for us while we watch the ball drop in Times Square. The room is dark except for the glow of the television. People’s New Year’s resolutions are sliding along the bottom of the screen, and there’s fifteen minutes to midnight.

  I’m a bit suspicious of him. He’s having the worst problem sitting still and just won’t stop glancing in my direction. At one point I actually catch his eye and frown in confusion, but he just gives me his usual impish grin and piles some more popcorn gracelessly into his mouth.

  “Oh, hey!” Jasper jumps up suddenly from his spot beside me and dashes out of the room. “I forgot to give you something on Christmas!”

  I turn my head from the final performance of the night, eyes following Jasper out of the room. I’m curious, yes, but not curious enough to wait with my heart beating rapidly for his return. Instead, I just roll my eyes and sink back into the couch, turning the volume on the television up even though I don’t know who this performer is or what his song is called.

  After a minute, Jasper jogs back into the room and tosses a small package at me. I catch it and wait for him to sit down before examining the neatly wrapped box in my hand. It looks too small to be interesting, so I reach across the couch for my jacket and slip it in my pocket.

  “Thanks,” I say. “I’ll open it when I get home.”

  He looks a little disappointed and readjusts himself next to me a couple of times. Again, his restlessness is noted, and I give him a weird look.

  “You okay?” I ask with a slight laugh.

  He adjusts himself again, and then scratches his jaw, eyes staying trained on the television and not meeting mine.

  “Uh, no,” he admits, and then runs an anxious hand through his hair and turns to me, having changed his mind. “Actually, yes. I’m great, actually. And I was just wondering if you were great.”

  My eyebrows pinch together, and I can’t help a nervous laugh from tumbling out. “Yeah, Jas. Everything is good.”

  It suddenly feels very tense. I can sense something not right with this whole situation, and my stomach does somersaults while goose bumps rise on the back of my neck. I can’t place the weird vibe I’m getting, and a part of me thinks I don’t want to.

  “Good, good.” He nods and pinches his lips between his fingers to think. I lean away from him slightly—scared for what he might say next. Finally, he takes his hand away from his mouth and props it up on the back of the couch as he attempts to make eye contact with me. But he seems to have a hard time maintaining it.

  “Jas . . . ,” I say carefully.

  “So, listen.”

  My eyebrows hike up my forehead, and my heart does a couple of nervous flutters. “Okay . . .”

  His voice is a little shaky. “So, I’ve been thinking that maybe I haven’t been the most honest person lately.”

  Suddenly, it clicks and I freeze. Goose bumps pop up along my arms and my breath hitches in my throat. My body is in paralysis but my mind is racing. I swallow hard and manage to ask the question, “Really?”

  “Really.” He pauses, and I know he’s just as tongue-tied as me. “When we were kissing, it wasn’t supposed to mean anything, right?”

  I nod, but mechanically, mind foggy and world unfocused.

  “Well, I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel something.” Far away, the countdown to the New Year has begun. “And I think you do, too.”

  I bite my lip and shake my head and he reaches out to stop me.

  A little desperately he swoops back in and claims, “There is no way that was one-sided. You have to know . . .”

  “Jas . . .”

  Thirty, twenty-nine, twenty-eight, twenty-seven . . .

  “If you’re afraid that things will change—they don’t have to. Nothing has to change,” he continues, more urgently now, and shaky. “We can still be us, exactly the same except when someone asks if we’re a couple, I can say yes. Because, June, to me you’re more than just my friend.”

  Fourteen, thirteen, twelve . . .

  “Jas—”

  “And I want to start my New Year with you.”

  He’s finally able to look me in the eye just as the blinking ball in Times Square has reached the end. One is still ringing in my ears. I meet his eyes for less than a second before he kisses me into the New Year. Those eyes are soft brown and his cheeks are flushed and then his lips are warm on mine and it’s a real kiss. No camera, no bet, no experiment, no revenge, no blackmail.

  He’s confident and gentle. The first press of his lips on mine is sweet, but my stunned unresponsiveness makes the second urgent. After that, he’s all I can feel. One hand is on the back of my neck, the other pulls my body flush against
his. I can feel how strong his feelings are for me with every kiss.

  I was too late. Everyone was right. He’s in love with me and I’m not in love with him and it’s the most horrible feeling I’ve ever experienced. I let Kiss Cam continue and he thinks I let it continue because I love him, too, and I didn’t know how to say it. He thinks we’ve been hiding our feelings, but the only feeling I can admit to having is lust—and it’s not a good enough reason to let this relationship happen.

  My hands slide up his chest to push him back, but I end up pulling him closer when his tongue dips into my mouth and his true kissing skills are revealed. My brows furrow at how weak I am, and I become frustrated. I feel even more pathetic when he pries my mouth open again and I release a shaky breath between kisses, trying desperately to stop him, but not knowing how to get my body to stop wanting him.

  There’s pressure building up in my chest, and the sinking feeling continues to spread. I’m shaking with fear when I realize it. I can’t push back because I know it’s all over when I do.

  Jasper finally surfaces to catch his breath. Breath uneven, he leans his forehead on mine, and that’s when I let a tear leak out of the corner of my eye. There has to be a rational one, one who has to think about what’s best for a relationship.

  “Jas,” I choke out.

  His eyes flutter open and he pulls away from me, eyebrows knitting together worriedly.

  “June, what—?”

  “We can’t.”

  “What are you talking about?” His voice is sharp, so different from the gentle tone used seconds ago that I flinch.

  “We can’t do this,” I repeat, and meet his eyes with a halfhearted shrug. “You’re my best friend and we have this vlog and—Jas—think about Lenny for a second, huh? Think about the kind of pressure our relationship would go through with it being public to the world. We’ve seen vlogging couples fall apart and viewers take sides—and it’s just messy, okay? And Lenny. Since Kiss Cam, people have forgotten he’s even a part of WereVloggingHere. What happens if we break up? I—I can’t imagine what I would do without you.”