Kiss Cam

by Kiara London

  “I need your help, for Elaina.”

  I shake my hair out of my face and tilt my head toward him, eyebrows pinching together. Jasper Lahey is so smooth that he doesn’t need advice from anyone—or so he had me thinking for the past six years. But all this nervousness and uncertainty as of late has me thinking he had me fooled.

  “I mean, you’re a girl, so . . .” He shuffles his feet from side to side and stares at me pleadingly.

  I can’t believe he’s coming to me. I don’t want him to come to me. Not for this—especially since I have feelings for him and he’s doing this for some other girl. Not to mention he recently had feelings for me and is doing this too casually.

  “Gee, what gave you the hint?” I have to force the humor into my voice as I pull my coat on.

  He snorts and turns his body toward me. “I’ve only seen you in your underwear about a million times, remember.”

  Blushing, I throw my backpack over my shoulder but still manage to say half-jokingly, “Don’t tell Elaina.”

  He makes a face. “Yeah, trust me. I won’t. . . . Anyway, back to my dilemma.”

  Ignoring his insistence that I answer his question, I spin on my heels and merge into the oncoming student traffic. He speed walks to keep up with me as I weave through the endless line of exhausted teenagers. My intent is to try and get out of this conversation. I figure if he can’t keep up, he can’t trap me into helping him come up with a Valentine’s Day gift for his rebound girlfriend—which is my fault, but whatever, it’s weird.

  It really is no use trying to avoid it, though, because by the time we reach the main office, we’re able to walk side by side again, and he’s asking the question for the third time.

  A little annoyed, I sigh and answer his question with another question. “You’re really getting her something? You just started dating.”

  “So? Girls like gifts.”

  I laugh. “I don’t.”

  “Yes, you do.”

  Letting out a deep breath through my nose, I pull back before we reach the doors and turn to him. “Look,” I say, “I love you, but I’m not helping you with this.”

  He looks insulted by my refusal. “Why?”

  “Because New Year’s wasn’t that long ago. And if it’s not okay with me, I have a hard time believing that it’s okay with you.” I don’t like the way it sounds coming out of my mouth and immediately want to swallow the words back up and store them away. We try not to talk about New Year’s, but it was far too significant in our recent history to not bring up now. I can’t help him with this. I can’t. I can’t. Apprehension flashes across his eyes.

  Rigidly, he replies, “Oh.”

  And with that, he pushes through the doors and walks away, leaving me to clench my fists in frustration. If he thinks including me in his relationship with Elaina is going to prove he’s over me, it’s not fair. How is it that easy for him? It’s frustrating for me.

  But I realize it’s not fair. He doesn’t know how I feel about him, and I can’t just let him walk away thinking I’m holding that night against him. If he let it go, that means it’s time for me to let it go, too.

  So I throw my weight against the door and burst into the cold February air after him.

  “Jas,” I call out, jogging up behind him. “Jas, wait.”

  He’s reluctant to stop, but he does and slowly turns to me with an emotionless expression, waiting.

  “I didn’t mean it like that,” I say hurriedly, watching his earlier enthusiasm fade before my eyes.

  It’s a lie, I did mean it like that, but I can’t afford for things to go further haywire between us. I’m just going to have to accept Elaina as another one of Jasper’s girlfriends. If he wants to talk about her, fine. It’s not my place to be uncomfortable. I can’t lose a friend over this. I can’t lose him.

  “You did.” He looks down at his feet. The air freezes his breath when he sighs, making it appear as though smoke is curling around his lips.

  Students sidestep around us, looking at us confusedly as we stand there awkwardly. I press my hands over my face and release a frustrated groan.

  “I know you’re trying to act the way we used to—”

  He cuts in, “I thought you were trying, too, but then you bring New Year’s up.” He shakes his head and shuffles in the cold air uncomfortably.

  I peek at him through my fingers, seeing his jaw set. My stomach knots. “I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m sorry.”

  He shifts his weight from one side of his body to the other and runs a hand through his hair. “You’re confusing me.”

  “I’m confusing me,” I admit, and close the spaces of my fingers so I don’t have to look at him.

  “Well,” he says a bit sourly, “I think you need to sort that out, then, because coming to you about my girlfriends has never been a problem before.”

  I push my hands up through my hair, ready to say something in return, to lie and say it’s still not a problem and pretend this incident never happened, but he’s already walking toward his car.

  We need to stop with this nonsense. We need to get back to the old days when everything made sense.

  AS VALENTINE’S DAY draws closer, all havoc breaks loose on VlogIt. Kiss Cam was not so easily forgotten. And with a holiday that specializes in romance, it’s no wonder new Kiss Cam requests are pouring in. It’s been an open-ended segment that we’ve been ignoring but our subscribers can’t seem to let go.

  My inbox fills to max capacity with questions I’m not sure I can answer. Jasper says that, like me, he’s been getting many Valentine’s Day Kiss Cam requests along with demands about what’s happened to the segment. At lunch the day before the dreaded holiday, Lenny pulls out his laptop and shows us how Kiss Cam has been affecting him, too.

  “We need to do something about this,” he remarks.

  Elaina looks over Jasper’s shoulder curiously to see Lenny’s computer screen. She places a hand on Jasper’s arm and asks, “Why did you guys stop doing Kiss Cam? Wasn’t it really popular?”

  I feel Allison’s knee brush mine under the table when Jasper’s eyes meet mine. She must sense how my heart stops at Elaina’s question. The touchiness of the subject won’t go away no matter how hard I will myself to become numb to it.

  “Jas started seeing you,” Lenny replies lamely, as if he’s become so used to answering this question that it strikes no urgency in him. The thoughtful look on his face isn’t even interrupted. He just continues to stare at the computer screen with his chin propped against his hand and his brows furrowed.

  “So?” Elaina laughs. “I watch your vlogs, and I know there’s more than just Jasiper shippers. Why don’t you and June do Kiss Cam?” she asks Lenny.

  The hand Lenny’s using to prop his chin up drops and slams onto the table while his whole body recoils. “Excuse me? You want me to do what? Sure! Why don’t I just jump into a shark tank, for God’s sake. That sounds like a great idea!”

  Elaina’s small eyes grow and her mouth drops open in surprise as Lenny continues with his tangent. “I run ships. I captain ships. I don’t become the ships. I stay in my own lane, Elaina. And my own lane is Eva Longoria and ice cream.”

  I snort and Allison’s shoulders begin to shake with laughter. Even Jasper’s cracked a smile, but Elaina is dumbfounded. And Lenny sits there, his face barely holding its serious facade. He catches my eye for a split second, and I know he’s succeeded in turning an awkward subject into a joke, because he suddenly explodes in giggles.

  “Wait, are you serious?” Elaina asks. Her round cheeks are flushed, like she’s embarrassed.

  Lenny’s giggles slow, and he props his chin back up in his hand. “I don’t do Kiss Cam. I run it.”

  Her thin, nearly nonexistent eyebrows furrow. “How come?”

  “June and Jas are okay with that kind of thing, but I think it’s kinda gross,” Lenny admits. “No offense to either June or Jas, but I will not be the other half of either of those ships.” He shake
s his head. “Nope.”

  Jasper clears his throat and shifts in his seat. I glance at him and he looks at Elaina. “He’s never been into it. We don’t do Kiss Cam anymore.”

  Elaina spoons some soup into her mouth, her eyes narrowed, thinking. “That’s probably a bummer to your viewers, huh? Kiss Cam is still on the VlogIt homepage.”

  Allison shakes the hair from her eyes and leans forward. “Why are you so interested?”

  Elaina flushes and her eyes bounce between all of us before she shakes her head and spins her spoon between her fingers. “No reason, I just—”

  “Oh, c’mon,” Allison says, rolling her eyes. “It has to be something.”

  Elaina catches eyes with Allison and then looks to me, and her blush burns brighter. Jasper looks confused and leans back, blinking while Lenny scoots in. All eyes are on Elaina, and she seems to shrink under the attention.

  She struggles with what she wants to say, and then finally she laughs and covers her blushing face.

  “Well . . . ,” she begins. “I sort of ship Leniper.”

  We all say it at once. “What?”

  “You ship Leniper?” I laugh and turn to Lenny. “She ships us.”

  Lenny makes a face and allows his head to fall onto the cafeteria table. “Oh, great.”

  Allison is laughing so hard she falls into my lap, and Jasper’s raised eyebrows and blank stare say everything. We all sit in awkward, yet relieved laughter.

  “This is weird,” Allison manages to say when she’s caught her breath.

  “Uh, yeah,” Jasper says stiffly.

  “What?” Elaina demands, laughing nervously. “Don’t you think they’re cute?”

  Jasper’s face drops, and my eyes widen. Lenny simply bangs his head on the table.

  “No,” Allison answers for all of us.

  Elaina ignores her and looks at me. “You guys are so cute. You have to do Kiss Cam just one time.”

  “No,” Lenny and I say at the same time, and thankfully, Jasper chimes in. His head has been shaking the entire time, and I have a hard time looking away from his rigid posture.

  “I can pretty much guarantee that Kiss Cam will never happen again unless it’s with me,” he says, and Elaina’s face changes into something that isn’t pleasant, until Jasper adds, “and I wouldn’t do Kiss Cam unless it’s with you.”

  I feel the blood drain from my face. What started off as funny quickly went south, and for me, it’s like watching a bad car accident. No matter how horrible it is, I just can’t take my eyes off it.

  Elaina gives him a skeptical look. “But isn’t Kiss Cam only between WereVloggingHere?”

  “Who made that rule?” Jasper asks the group. None of us say anything. “Come on.” He nudges her. “You say VlogIt wants Kiss Cam so bad? How about we do it?”

  And as Elaina’s face lights up in awe and disbelief as though she’s just won Miss United States, I go numb like I’ve just witnessed a rolling car receive its final blow by a semi going seventy-five miles per hour.

  Lenny glances over at me with the same amount of shock, and Allison grips my knee under the table. Every time things seem hopeful, bad news follows. And I’m still not used to it. Just like I’m still not used to Jasper leaning over and kissing his girlfriend on the mouth in front of us.

  There’s nothing I can do but sit there and take it.

  Even though I was against it, Jasper does end up roping me into helping him with a Valentine’s Day gift for Elaina. In the morning I watch across the hall at my locker as Elaina opens up her gift while Jasper films her.

  I guess I’ve been very out of the loop. Friday nights, the nights Jasper and I used to hang out at his house, he has been going to her house. When he told me they share the same taste in music, I offered the idea of making her a mix tape. Jasper and I used to do that all the time when he first bought his laptop. We’d spend hours burning CDs and dancing around his bedroom, singing into deodorant tubes and hairbrushes. He seemed to remember that when I suggested it and tried to say it was “our” thing. But so was Kiss Cam, and he’s doing that with Elaina now. So I told him it was fine and left him to it.

  When she sees the mix tape and candy at the bottom of the gift bag, a glowing smile stretches across her face, and she promptly pulls him in for a kiss. I walk away then, seeing their attached lips and off-balance poses every time I blink. He’s still holding his camera up, capturing the moment for the vlog.

  Our viewers know about her, but my inbox still continues to fill up with Jasiper-related e-mails. I’ve stopped opening them.

  Like my house after my mom finished decorating, the school halls are bursting with pinks and reds. Couples hand off gifts and smooch in the corners. Roses are sold during lunch, and boys leave them taped to girls’ lockers or hand them off in between classes. Every girl’s cheeks are flushed, and every boy seems to have a little lip gloss smeared on the corner of his lips. I’ve never particularly liked the holiday, but for some reason I hate it even more today and breathe a sigh of relief when the final bell rings.

  But that feeling doesn’t last long. Jasper and Elaina have the Kiss Cam scheduled for today. And since I’m supposed to be okay with this because I’m not supposed to have feelings for him, I have to attend. I tried not to think about it all day, but now it’s unavoidable. It isn’t ideal, and I’d rather go home and flip through channels on my television until I fall asleep, but if I’m going to go along with Allison’s advice, I’ve got to wait it out. Unfortunately for me, waiting it out and being normal about everything is more torturous than it would be for other people.

  After school, Lenny and I go to Jasper’s with Elaina. She’s excited about Kiss Cam, though I don’t know what they’re going to do. We don’t go up to Jasper’s room; instead we stay down in the living room. I make myself comfortable on the couch and pull my legs up to my chest in the place where I always sit when I’m over. Lenny falls down next to me and tosses the camera back and forth between his hands.

  “What’s the deal?” I ask Lenny.

  He shrugs and pushes his overgrown blond hair out of his face. “There was a request on VlogIt from last night, a Kiss Cam one for Valentine’s Day. It asked Jasper to kiss the girl he loves. I’m going to read it, and he’s going to kiss her.”

  I resist the urge to roll my eyes. “He doesn’t love her. Not yet, anyway.”

  “Well, he can’t kiss you.”

  I shake my head and hug my knees. “I don’t want him to.”

  I can’t detect if the look on his face is disappointment or indifference, so I turn my attention to the incoming couple. Elaina is hanging off Jasper’s arm, laughing about something, and he’s got a pleased look on his face as he stares down at her adoringly. I look away.

  Jasper sits beside me, setting his camera tripod down on the coffee table. Lenny busies himself with attaching the camera, and Elaina sits down on Jasper’s lap. She’s so small compared to him that she appears childlike, especially when she throws her legs over his lap.

  I tuck hair behind my ear and shift my body weight as far from them as I can. Lenny turns the camera on and sits back.

  “Happy Valentine’s Day!” Lenny waves to the camera. Noticing the little red light, I pull myself together and present a smile to the camera—maybe an exaggerated one, but a smile nonetheless. “Kiss Cam request,” he announces, cutting right to the chase. I can hear a collective intake of breath in my head, like those of our future viewers. “Kiss the girl you love.”

  I feel my stomach knot, waiting to hear the smacking sound of lips being pressed together, but they don’t come nearly as quickly as I expected. I feel weight closing in on the side of my body that Jasper is on. Out of the corner of my eye, I see the blurred coloring of his hair nearing my face. My heart begins to pound in my chest.

  He’s going to kiss me.

  Elaina is right there, sitting on his lap. What is he thinking? He can’t do this. It isn’t right. Elaina.

  I feel his breath close on my
face and pull back, knocking into Lenny.

  “Jas,” I say exasperatedly, reluctantly turning my head to face him, eyes unable to meet his.

  He gives me a goofy grin and chuckles. Then he pecks my flushing cheek before leaning back and firmly pressing his lips to Elaina’s. My mouth drops open and I grab Lenny’s knee in a death grip, heart hammering in my chest. I feel my face continue to burn, all the while wondering why that just happened.

  Confusion is too broad to explain the feelings settling in and weighing me down on the couch between Jasper and Lenny. How could he do that? How could he be so uncomfortable with our recent history, and yet still pull that in front of Elaina?

  And Elaina, how could he do that in front of her? How did she feel about that? Was it a tribute to the Jasiper part of Kiss Cam our viewers were used to, or was it a message to me?

  How am I supposed to feel about it? He doesn’t know how I feel about him. Maybe he thought I’d find the humor in it. But all I can do is sit there, frozen like a statue.

  My knuckles are white with force. I’m staring straight ahead into the camera, trying to keep my face blank even though a blush is spreading down my neck. He shouldn’t have done that.

  Lenny places a hand on mine uncertainly and tries to pry my fingers off, so I grab his fingers instead and squeeze hard when Jasper’s elbow jabs me in the rib cage and Elaina’s toes brush my thigh. She makes a noise in the back of her throat, lips still attached to his, and I feel my limbs sink farther into the couch. I want to get up and leave, but the camera is there holding me down.

  This moment wouldn’t be as uncomfortable if it weren’t for his practical joke. A mean joke—to both himself and me. But then I hardly know how he feels about me anymore, and I’m the one panicking.

  Lenny senses that I’m being pushed over the edge and jumps up, leaning in close to the camera.

  “All right, all right. Happy Valentine’s Day—WereVlogging Here!” He puts a hand over the lens and turns off the video recorder before turning to Elaina and Jasper, who are just now pulling their lips apart. I stand up and exit the room now that the camera is off. I can hardly believe the feelings flooding my system—not of jealousy, but of hurt. Hurt I don’t deserve to feel.