Out of Step

by Maggie Makepeace

  ‘All right?’ Rob asked again.

  ‘No!’ Nell shouted. ‘Have you ever tried shitting a bloody melon?’

  Just as Nell thought she wouldn’t be able to bear the torture a moment longer, and would be forced to give in and ask for some pain relief, the midwife said, ‘Nearly there. I can see lots of black hair.’

  Incredible! Nell thought wearily. It’s a real person with hair just like Rob’s! And tears of joy came into her eyes. She gave one last hugely painful push and the head was born.

  ‘Rest,’ the midwife said encouragingly, ‘and then one more push for the shoulders.’

  ‘I want to see!’ Nell cried. Rob supported her as she leant forwards over her collapsed abdomen, and held up the mirror. The baby’s head was slowly rotating and one shoulder was becoming visible. As she watched, it opened its mouth, eyes still tightly shut, and let out a small high-pitched cry. Nell braced herself for the last contraction and then opened her eyes just in time to see the little wet dark red body with flailing arms and puckered face, slithering out of her into the midwife’s waiting hands.

  Rob wiped his own eyes. ‘It’s a Lottie!’ he said.

  ‘Congratulations!’ Elly said over the phone as soon as Nell was home again. ‘What was the best bit?’

  ‘When they put her on my stomach and I could touch her for the first time, and she opened her eyes and stared at me,’ Nell said. ‘I’d been in such turmoil; in pain, angry, scared of making a mess of it – just plain scared. And then suddenly I felt tender and calm and loving all at once!’

  ‘Magic,’ Elly said. ‘You did well to achieve a natural birth. It’s not something I even considered. How did Rob do?’

  ‘He was brilliant. I couldn’t have managed it without him.’

  ‘Lucky you.’

  ‘I must go,’ Nell said. ‘Lottie wants feeding.’

  She sat dreamily suckling the child, so aware of the tongue curled under her nipple and the jaws pressed firmly on to her, sucking strongly as she had from the very beginning. Nell still had in her mind the vision of her newborn baby alert on her stomach, the cord still pulsating, the little body streaked with blood and white vernix, the grey eyes watchful. She had managed to do it all without drugs, and without the necessity for stitches. She felt jubilant.

  She found herself asking Rob about his first two; wanting to compare herself with the Mad Cow.

  ‘Oh, Cassie didn’t want to know when Josh was born,’ Rob said. ‘It was a very difficult birth and she was drugged up to the eyeballs. Love at first sight it wasn’t.’

  ‘Poor thing,’ Nell found herself saying, ‘and poor Josh.’ She discovered that this was not a time for oneupmanship. She actually felt sorry for Cassie.

  After a few days the euphoria slipped away and Nell began to feel different. Tears came to her eyes for no real reason, and she became fearful of every possible hazard that might potentially harm the baby. She wanted Rob to instal a smoke alarm but he pointed out that the wood-burner would set it off all the time. So then she worried about its effect on the baby’s lungs, and about whether, in spite of Rob’s best efforts, there was still too much residual damp downstairs. And then about the possible consequences of future, bigger, floods. She was even concerned about Rob’s habit of driving off and shutting the Land Rover door afterwards. But above all, she fretted about Cassie’s decision to stay in the West Country.

  Rob on the other hand seemed even more laid-back than usual, and able to get enough sleep despite the interruptions in the night, plus all the work he’d had to do in clearing the flood damage. His very confidence undermined Nell, as it pointed up her own lack of it. He seemed to think that by going on as usual, she would take her cue from him, and all would be well. And then he didn’t seem to notice when it wasn’t.

  Elly came to see the baby, and they sat together in the sitting room by a log fire with their feet on the bare floorboards. Everything had been dried out with hot-air blowers, and the room was almost back to normal.

  ‘Hello, my beautiful,’ Elly crooned, taking the baby and holding her on her lap. ‘Who’s a bonny babe then? How much did she weigh?’

  ‘Seven pounds five ounces.’

  ‘Oh, look at the soles of her little feet. They’re covered in creases like tissue paper that’s been scrunched up, and then smoothed out!’

  ‘I think they’re like poppy petals or butterfly wings – when they first emerge and before they’re properly pumped up.’ Nell had examined with fascination every possible aspect of Lottie.

  ‘Have you tried drawing her?’

  ‘Haven’t had time!’

  ‘Anyway, photos are so good, aren’t they?’

  Nell’s eyes overflowed suddenly with tears, and she fumbled for a tissue to stem the flow.

  ‘Whatever is it?’ Elly asked, reaching out over the baby to comfort her. ‘Tell me.’

  Nell mopped her eyes. ‘I wanted a picture of Lottie in her little perspex cot in the hospital, but Rob forgot to bring his camera.’

  ‘But he’s taken some since?’

  ‘Oh, yes. I know it’s silly, but he took ones of Josh and Rosie in their cots. I know, because I saw them at Cassie’s.’

  ‘Well, maybe that’s because she wasn’t very compos mentis and needed a reminder,’ Elly said diplomatically. ‘I mean, you’ll never forget the picture in your mind’s eye, will you?’

  ‘No,’ Nell sniffed. ‘I keep doing this,’ she said, ‘bursting into tears. I can’t seem to help it. It’s so stupid.’

  ‘Nonsense!’ Elly said. ‘Your hormones are all of a turmoil. Happens to us all.’

  ‘I somehow get the feeling that Rob thinks I’ve had it easy, so he doesn’t have to try very hard now it’s all over. Maybe I should have made more fuss.’

  ‘No. You just need to be able to ask for what you need. He’s not a mind-reader.’

  ‘You can say that again!’ Nell smiled shakily.

  ‘Is there anything else?’

  ‘Yes … but you’ll think it’s silly…’

  ‘I’m sure I won’t.’

  ‘Well, it’s just that now Cassie isn’t moving away after all, I suppose I’m worried that Josh and Rosie will become rôle models for Lottie, and somehow… contaminate her.’

  Elly looked taken aback. ‘That’s a bit extreme, isn’t it? I’m not sure I understand.’

  Nell felt misjudged. ‘I’m worried about their bad upbringing and rudeness, and dishonesty and … constant quarrelling and Cassie’s influence … that sort of thing. I mean, I want to bring Lottie up in my own way, with different values and attitudes from theirs.’

  ‘Well, there’s not much any of us can do about that,’ Elly said practically. ‘I tried to do it my way with my two. Everyone does. But they’re far more influenced by their peers and television than ever they are by their parents.’

  ‘Yes, but I’m talking about the first five years,’ Nell said earnestly. ‘That’s when children are most vulnerable to emotional damage.’

  ‘Oh, I think you’ll find that Rosie and Josh will grow up as good as anybody,’ Elly said. ‘You worry too much.’

  ‘Here’s the midwife now,’ Rob announced loudly above the crying of the baby. ‘Shall I take her, so’s you can get your tummy checked?’ He went to the door and let the woman in, and then lifted Lottie from her mother. Nell looked harassed.

  ‘Morning all,’ the midwife shouted cheerfully. ‘Having a bit of a bawl, are we?’

  ‘I don’t know what’s wrong,’ Nell said anxiously. ‘She started and now she won’t stop.’

  ‘Course she will,’ Rob said imperturbably, rubbing the baby’s back and jogging her up and down. ‘She’s just a little colicky, aren’t you?’

  ‘But why?’ Nell asked, as she had her blood pressure taken.

  ‘Could be something you ate,’ the midwife said, ‘that’s got across into your milk.’

  ‘Well, I had Brussels sprouts … for the iron.’

  ‘That’ll be it. Good, your uterus h
as shrunk back to normal now. Shan’t need to come and see you MUCH LONGER.’ Her last words sounded deafening. Lottie had abruptly stopped crying. ‘There you are,’ she said in normal tones. ‘She just wanted her daddy, didn’t you, precious?’

  ‘The little cord stump dropped off,’ Nell reported, rather shortly.

  ‘Good. And is she feeding well?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘And how’s the bathing going?’

  ‘They have baths together,’ Rob explained. ‘Nell feels safer that way.’ He smiled across at her, but she glared at him. What have I said? he thought, aggrieved.

  He waited until the midwife had completed all her examinations and left before he asked Nell, ‘What’s wrong?’

  ‘You know.’

  ‘No, I don’t, really.’

  ‘Well, you ought to,’ Nell said. ‘You showed me up; made me look pathetic and inadequate. As soon as you took Lottie from me she stopped crying, and then you had to go and tell her about us in the bath.’

  ‘She didn’t mind.’

  ‘That’s not the point!’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Rob said. ‘I don’t understand.’

  ‘Well, you ought to.’ Nell burst into tears. ‘It’s easy for you. You’ve done all this before. You make me feel second rate and useless.’

  ‘Come on, Nell, you know that isn’t true.’

  ‘I bet you weren’t like this with Cassie.’ Nell sniffed loudly and bit her lip.

  ‘Here, have Lottie back again.’ Rob put the baby on her lap, and she lay there waving her arms contentedly.

  ‘Well?’ Nell demanded.

  ‘Obviously not with Josh. I was as inexperienced as she was.’

  ‘Exactly!’

  ‘Fancy a cup of tea?’ He hadn’t a clue what she was on about.

  Nell snorted. ‘That’s your answer to everything, isn’t it?’

  ‘Well, I want one.’ He went over and put the kettle on.

  ‘Everything’s going wrong,’ Nell lamented to Sibyl the next day when Rob was out.

  ‘Since when?’ Sibyl asked, holding the baby in capable arms and cooing at her.

  ‘Since Lottie was in the middle of being born and Rob wasn’t a bit worried, and I wanted him to be!’

  ‘But why?’

  ‘So I wouldn’t have to imagine he was thinking: I’ve done all this before; what’s one more? – which is what kept going through my head.’

  ‘I’m sure he wasn’t thinking that.’

  ‘But it wasn’t a novelty for him, was it? He has done it all before. Nobody seems to understand how I feel.’ Nell looked beseechingly at Sibyl.

  The baby had caught hold of the end of her floaty scarf and was clutching it. ‘I can see you’re feeling insecure,’ Sibyl said, extracting it gently, ‘and I think I understand why, but you’ve got Lottie and this lovely cottage, and Rob’s a good enough man, isn’t he?’

  ‘Yes,’ Nell admitted. ‘Poor Rob. I seem to take it out on him all the time these days. It’s Cassie and the children who are the real problem, now that they’re not moving away after all.’

  ‘But you seemed much happier before Christmas,’ Sibyl said. ‘You were getting on so well with the kids then, weren’t you?’

  ‘Yes, but that was before I knew they were staying.’

  ‘So it isn’t their presence that upsets you so much. It’s more your perception of what their presence symbolises?’

  Nell frowned. ‘Sorry?’

  ‘It seems to me,’ Sibyl explained, ‘that it’s not what happens that matters so much as your attitude to what happens. I mean, the kids never left, but you were happy – so there’s no reason why you can’t be happy again, is there?’

  ‘Well… if you put it like that…’

  ‘Things change all the time,’ Sibyl said, ‘so we have to live in the present moment.’

  ‘I’ve never been very good at that,’ Nell confessed. ‘I’ve always lived for the future.’

  ‘And now,’ Sibyl said, smiling at the baby, ‘that future has arrived!’

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  In April Josh was soon to be eight, and Rosie was almost six. Cassie swallowed her pride and went round to Mic’s flat to make peace.

  ‘Well, well,’ Mic said at her door, cigarette in hand. ‘You still ‘ere?’ Her hair was now two-tone, blonde in front and ginger behind. She looked very fit and well.

  ‘Can I come in for a moment?’

  ‘S’pose so.’

  ‘You’ve been decorating,’ Cassie said, looking about her at the bright clean walls.

  ‘Yeah. I’m good at that. Remember?’

  ‘Look, Mic, I’ve come to apologise.’ Cassie made a supreme effort to be humble. ‘I’ve treated you badly. I recognise that now, and I’m sorry.’

  ‘Telly didn’t snap you up, huh?’

  ‘That’s none of your b –’ She took a deep breath. ‘I didn’t even try. It wouldn’t have worked out anyway. I see that now. I just want you to know that I’d like to be friends again, and put the past behind us.’

  ‘Mmm.’ Mic looked sceptical.

  ‘You don’t believe me?’ Cassie was hurt.

  ‘Nah, it’s not that so much. It’s just a niggly feeling I get wot makes me fink – What’s she after now? – Course, I might be wrong …’ Mic raised an eyebrow.

  Cassie had the grace to blush. ‘Well, there was something specific I had in mind,’ she said,’… as a treat for Gavin.’

  ‘Oh yeah?’

  ‘Yes. It’s Josh’s birthday next week, and I wondered –’

  ‘Oh, Gav’d love to come. He’s a reg’lar party animal.’

  ‘Well, that’s not quite what I –’

  ‘Oh, I get it,’ Mic said. ‘You wants me to organise it, don’t you? Definitely no way!’

  ‘Not organise as such,’ Cassie said floundering. ‘I thought you and Gavin could both come as guests. You’re so good at games, and the children are so fond of you. Rosie has missed you dreadfully.’

  ‘Arm-twisting, eh?’ Mic observed. ‘You oughter know by now that won’t get you nowhere. ‘Swater off a duck’s arse wif me.’

  ‘Well, of course I’d pay you extra,’ Cassie said. ‘Special rates for a special occasion, naturally.’

  Mic looked fleetingly interested, and then carefully neutral again. ‘An’ I s’pose you’ll be getting all the nosh in, and sending out the invites and stuff?’ she asked casually.

  ‘Yes, of course.’ I can always buy ready-made party food, Cassie thought.

  ‘And it’s on Sat’day, right?’

  ‘Three o’clock on Saturday afternoon. I thought we’d make it a joint party for Rosie as well, as it’s her birthday on the twenty-sixth.’

  ‘I’ve missed her, an’ all,’ Mic said. ‘So’s Gav.’

  ‘So, you’ll do it?’

  ‘We comes, we plays games, eats tea, goes home, and gets three times the normal rate,’ Mic stipulated. ‘No more, no less. Right?’

  ‘Oh, Mic, you’re a treasure,’ Cassie said, reaching out to hug her.

  ‘Mind me fag!’ Mic exclaimed, extracting herself awkwardly. ‘Don’t want to burn ‘oles in yer cashmere cardie, do we?’

  ‘I’ll look forward to seeing you on Saturday then,’ Cassie said, gracious with relief. ‘Maybe you could come at two o’clock to be there to welcome the children as they arrive?’

  ‘That’s anuvver hour,’ Mic pointed out.

  ‘Please, Mic.’

  ‘Oh, what the hell,’ Mic said, acquiescing. ‘We could do wif the dosh. Gav needs a new Man United strip.’

  In Tesco, as she was being comforted after a touch of colic, Lottie was sick all over the shoulder of her mother’s favourite multi-coloured cardigan. Nell, cross with herself for wearing it in the first place, complained to Rob when they got home.

  ‘What if it won’t wash out? It’s so special.’

  ‘Was it that expensive?’ Rob asked absent-mindedly.

  ‘No. It’s its sentimental value that matter
s to me. I wore it that first Christmas we spent together, don’t you remember?’

  ‘Did you?’ Rob was vague.

  ‘Quite honestly I don’t believe you actually see me at all,’ Nell flashed at him irritably.

  ‘Cassie used to say that too,’ Rob observed, but without any obvious signs of self-reproach.

  Once again Nell felt an unwilling rapport with the Mad Cow, and frowned at her own disloyalty.

  ‘That reminds me,’ Rob went on, ‘she phoned while you were out. She wants us to have the children for a few days extra this Easter because she had to have them back early at Christmas.’

  ‘What extraordinarily twisted logic is that?’ Nell exclaimed, all fellow feeling for the sisterhood evaporating instantly. ‘They’re children, not some inanimate debit and credit system. And anyway, Christmas was an emergency, for God’s sake!’

  ‘Yes, well, that’s how her tiny mind works,’ Rob said. ‘And I’m happy to have them, so who cares?’

  ‘I do,’ Nell said.

  ‘You what?’ Rob looked puzzled.

  ‘Well, where are they going to sleep?’

  ‘In their usual room, of course, where else?’

  ‘And what about Lottie?’

  ‘She can sleep in there too. There’s room for her cot.’

  ‘No,’ Nell said positively. ‘They’ll wake her up, and I don’t want her upset.’

  ‘She’s far more likely to wake them up,’ Rob pointed out practically. ‘And anyway, why can’t she sleep in our room like she does at visiting weekends?’

  ‘I want her to have her own room,’ Nell persisted obstinately. ‘Why should she always be the one who has to move? I don’t want her all confused when she wakes up. She needs continuity and security, not regular disruption.’

  ‘I’m sure she’ll be entirely happy in with us.’

  ‘That’s not the point! I don’t want her to grow up depending upon us being in the same room. It’s a bad idea.’ Nell felt passionate about this.

  ‘Well, I’m afraid it’s a case of three into two won’t go. We’ve only got two bedrooms. You surely aren’t suggesting that we move house?’

  ‘No, of course not. But why can’t we build a bit on to the cottage; extend it into the turnaround?’