Freefall

by Robin Brande

  “Okay, so this one is called a Figure Eight,” he said. “Can anyone tell me why?”

  “Because it looks like an eight?” one of the girls said. Then she rolled her eyes as if to say, “Duh.”

  “Eliza!” Carolyn motioned for her to join them. “This is Marsha, my co-leader.” The two women shook hands. “And this is Blake,” Carolyn said. “He’s our instructor tonight. Eliza used to be a climber. Have you ever heard of Jamey Shepherd?”

  “No...” Blake said.

  “It’s okay,” Eliza rushed to say. “Don’t worry about it. I don’t really climb anymore. I’m just here to observe.”

  “And to set a good example,” Carolyn said loudly. “Girls, this is Eliza Shepherd. She’s a famous climber.”

  “No, Carolyn,” Eliza mumbled. “Please stop saying that.”

  Carolyn brushed away the objection. “They don’t know any different,” she mumbled back. “I could say you’re a famous astronaut and they won’t remember your name tomorrow. But they will remember the outfit—nice job.”

  Eliza was wishing very much she hadn’t come. “I’m just going to stand back over here. Let Blake do his job.” She motioned for him to continue.

  “Great! Okay, ladies,” he said, “who wants to learn how to make a Bowline, the king of knots?”

  “When can we try some of those?” one of the girls asked, pointing to the colorful handholds on the wall in front of her.

  “Soon,” Blake said. “Really soon. But you girls have to pay attention.”

  It was going to be a long hour, Eliza thought.

  * * *

  When it finally came time to fit the girls in harnesses and climbing shoes, Eliza could see they were excited again.

  “I’m telling you,” Carolyn said, keeping her voice low, “it’s because it’s clothes. I don’t mean to be sexist, but these girls really fit the stereotype—even Katie. Will and I have never been into fashion—as you can see,” she said, pointing out what she was wearing, “but they must all get it from each other at school. Katie came home one day obsessed with pink and sparkles, and she’s been lost to us ever since.”

  “I want that one!” one of the girls said, pointing to a harness that had purple flowers along its straps.

  “See?” Carolyn said.

  * * *

  It had seemed so simple. Just a quick demonstration, standing with both feet safely on the ground.

  “I can’t get it,” Katie said, tugging at the loops around her thighs. “It feels weird. Eliza, will you come help me?”

  She had Katie step out of the harness so she could make a few adjustments to the straps, then step into it again.

  “See?” Eliza said. “You want the waist strap here, and the thigh straps to fit right about here.”

  “You put it on,” Katie said. “Let me see.”

  “I think it’s too small,” Eliza said.

  “Please? Can you just try?”

  Eliza glanced at her watch. She’d already been there an hour and a half. Carolyn told her the whole meeting usually went two hours, but that was when they were in people’s homes, with snacks and activities to fill the time. Carolyn and Marsha had assumed the girls would get tired of the gym after an hour—especially without the snacks. So far, they were wrong.

  Eliza lengthened the straps of the harness again, and set it on the floor.

  “So you want to step into it like this,” she said, “then pull it up and fasten it here.”

  Eliza felt a change in the temperature.

  That cold clamminess she’d experienced at David’s the night before was back, but much more severe. It broke out on her face, a sheen of cold sweat, and sprang out of the pores on her back.

  Her ears began to buzz. Eliza shut her eyes. She opened them again because she’d felt herself sway.

  “Eliza?” Carolyn said, steadying her by the arm. “What’s wrong? My God, you’re white as a ghost.”

  Eliza sank to her knees and dropped her head. She felt dizzy, nauseated, weak.

  “Stay with the girls,” Carolyn told Marsha. “I’m taking her outside.”

  She helped Eliza to her feet and rushed her outside, no doubt worried Eliza was about to vomit.

  The warm, steamy air felt sickening to Eliza, but being inside the climbing gym was worse. Being inside that harness, feeling it touching her legs, the memory of it, the memory of all of it, sent Eliza to her knees again.

  “What’s wrong?” Carolyn asked. “Tell me what’s wrong!”

  “It’s...Jamey,” Eliza said, hearing the sob before she could stop it. “It’s just Jamey. It’s always Jamey. I can’t ever get away.”

  She fought to control herself: This wasn’t what she did anymore. She didn’t fall apart like this. She didn’t have the nightmares or the panic attacks or any of the other tortures of the first months after he died.

  “I’m so sorry!” Carolyn said. “I never should have asked you. God, I’m such an idiot! I should have known this would be too hard.”

  “I didn’t know,” Eliza said, pulling up the bottom of her tank top to wipe the sweat and tears from her face. She reached over and squeezed Carolyn’s wrist. “It’s okay. I don’t know what happened in there. It was just...so fast.”

  She continued kneeling in the parking lot, breathing in gulps of the hot, fetid air. What was she doing there? Why had she even come? This wasn’t her life anymore. And this was exactly why.

  Eliza slowly rose to her feet. “I think I need to go home now.”

  “I’ll give you a ride. I don’t think you should drive. Just wait, and I’ll go tell Marsha.”

  “No,” Eliza said, “you should go back inside. You need to be with the girls. I’ll be fine. Let me just sit in my car for a while.”

  “Can I call someone for you?” Carolyn asked. “Do you want me to call David?”

  “No,” Eliza blurted out. “He’s...busy tonight. And don’t call Hildy—I have her car, so she can’t pick me up anyway. I don’t want her to worry.

  “I’ll tell you what,” Eliza said, seeing the concern on Carolyn’s face. “I’ll sit out here for a while, and if I feel better, I’ll drive home. If I don’t, I’ll ride home with you and Katie. I can pick up the car tomorrow.”

  “Are you sure?” Carolyn asked.

  Eliza nodded. “I’ll be fine. You go back in.”

  Alone again, Eliza sat on the curb and rested her head in her hands.

  I’m a mess, she had told David that day, before she ever let him touch her.

  “What if I don’t care?”

  Oh, you care, Eliza thought. Just one wrong move and he was already out the door.

  Maybe he had the right idea.

  27

  “How long you going for?” Hildy asked, watching Eliza pack.

  “Just a few weeks. You’ll be all right, won’t you?”

  “Sure, honey, I’ll be fine.”

  Eliza tried to sound upbeat. “It’s just that I haven’t seen everybody in a long time, and it would be good to just check in. Get away for a little while. Clear my head.”

  “Sure, honey,” Hildy said. “You do that. You’re entitled.”

  Eliza could take her lightest bag. All she needed were a few pairs of shorts, some underwear, her sandals, and a few T-shirts. She still had drawers and a closet full of clothes at home. She was only bringing her favorites.

  She zipped up her carry-on.

  “They gouge you on the price?” Hildy asked.

  “Not too badly,” Eliza said. “Just the change fee on my ticket and some price difference.”

  Hildy nodded. “That’s good.”

  They both knew there was an unspoken question hanging in the air.

  So Hildy spoke it.

  “You sure you don’t want to call him?”

  “Nope.”

  “Just to tell him you’re going?”

  “I’ll be back before he even notices,” Eliza said. She’d lost her upbeat tone. “I’m leaving him alone, just like yo
u said.”

  “Yeah, but I didn’t mean like this, just sneaking off—”

  “I’m not sneaking,” Eliza said. “I’m just...going. Just for a little while. Like you said, let him miss me. Or let him...not. I’d rather know where we stand. And I need the break right now. Last night was...bad.”

  Hildy nodded. Eliza had told her all about it.

  Eliza looked at the clock. “We need to go.” She’d found the first flight out, leaving around nine-thirty that morning. She had nine hours of travel ahead of her. But then she’d be sleeping in her own bed.

  “You sure you don’t want to think about it one more day?” Hildy asked.

  “I thought about it all night,” Eliza said. “I still haven’t been to sleep. Come on, Hildy, we need to go.”

  * * *

  Eliza sat on the plane, staring out the window. She liked the window seats because she could prop her head against them with a jacket or a T-shirt as cushion and maybe catch a little bit of sleep.

  Jamey could sleep anywhere: on sheer rock walls, hanging from a portaledge; at high altitude where falling asleep felt like running out of oxygen, and so people jerked themselves awake; on tiny airplanes, on large ones; in the car minutes after Eliza had taken over the driving. He slept deeply and peacefully, and then once he was awake again, he was on.

  But Eliza felt strung out right now. She always needed her sleep. She’d gotten by with so little of it over the past week and half, and now it was catching up to her.

  Her seatmate fished in the bag at her feet and accidentally bumped Eliza. “Oh, sorry.”

  Eliza smiled briefly, then let her face go slack again. She went back to staring out the window, anxious for the plane to get going. She had some crazy idea—no doubt brought on by her sleep-deprived brain—that David might suddenly show up, out on the tarmac below, waving his arms and shouting for her to stay.

  Never happen, the rational part of her knew.

  I know. But what if? Would I run off the plane? Jump into his arms? Live happily ever after?

  The flight attendant closed the forward door.

  Eliza reached down and twisted the ring on her left hand. She hadn’t wanted to leave it behind. It had seemed like a natural thing to bring, just like her favorite navy blue T-shirt and enough underwear to last her a full week without having to do laundry. And it made more sense to wear it through the security checkpoint than leave it in her pocket, where it might set off the alarm, or worse, put it in the tray and then accidentally forget it. So she’d slipped it over her finger once Hildy hugged her and walked away, and now Eliza was glad to feel it again on her finger.

  They were finally speeding down the runway, and in another moment, climbing. Eliza closed her eyes and leaned back against the seat.

  Please miss me, she thought. Please want me. Don’t let this be all.

  She twisted the ring once more, and then tugged it from her finger. She slipped it back into her pocket.

  “Marriage troubles, huh?” said the woman next to her. “Don’t I know.”

  Eliza peeked open one eye to find the woman nodding and obviously gearing up for good long cross-country chat.

  “He’s dead,” Eliza said simply. Then she closed her eyes again.

  “Oh...I’m so sorry,” the woman said.

  “It’s okay,” Eliza said automatically. “But now I need to sleep. I’m exhausted. Please don’t let anyone wake me.”

  “Sure,” the woman said. “Sure.”

  Eliza knew she had recruited an ally. The woman would keep people from offering her peanuts or pretzels or water. Eliza bundled her extra T-shirt against the window, then draped its end over her eyes. Please let me sleep, she thought. She felt sick with it: the exhaustion, the emotion, all of it.

  She needed to rest, that was all. Just a few weeks. Then she’d come back and sort it all out. Go back to that climbing gym, maybe. Prove to herself she could do it. Start over with David. Restart, rewind, repair.

  A two-week vacation, then she’d return to her normal life.

  Or what passed for it anymore.

  28

  Eliza sat at her desk, staring alternately at her laptop screen and the patch of dirt outside her window. She kept meaning to buy flowers of some kind, just to have some color out there, but right now it was low on her list.

  She’d been struggling with the column for the past few hours. She still had two days to complete it, but she hated waiting until the last minute. She wrote better when she could put something on paper, then walk away from it for a while. Let better phrases come to her while she was out running or in the shower. Let the piece mature.

  Eliza got up and went into the kitchen. It was just a few short steps away in the two-bedroom house she and Jamey had bought a few years before. Hildy and Ron helped them with the down payment, and one of Jamey’s book advances had added to the pot—enough so that Eliza could make the mortgage payments now without too much stress every month.

  She’d considered renting it out while she was away, but decided eight or nine months wasn’t a long enough lease to make it worth packing up her belongings and putting them in storage. So the house had gathered dust, but otherwise had stood waiting, ready for her return.

  Eliza drank a glass of water and stared out the window. September in Henderson was still remarkably hot. But it was the dry, roasting heat her skin and hair loved—not that moist, basting heat of the east coast. Here she could go outside with her hair wet and find it dry half an hour later. She had cut it again so all she had to do was run her fingers through its short length and give it a slight fluff. Practical. Easy. Different.

  She waited until midmorning before phoning her mother.

  “Movie today?”

  “Of course,” Joyce said.

  Eliza looked on-line while her mother consulted the paper. They found a science fiction thriller playing at noon. Neither of them particularly liked science fiction, but it didn’t matter—it was a movie.

  When it was time, Eliza packed up two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and drove the few blocks to pick up her mother. It was one of the reasons Jamey and Eliza had bought that house: First, they could afford it, and second, it was within walking distance of several members of their family. Hildy and Ron lived two streets away, Joyce and her husband just on the other side of a major street, and Eliza’s older brother in the neighborhood beyond that. Her younger brother lived further away in Summerlin, a suburb of Las Vegas.

  “How’s Hildy?” Joyce asked as she settled into the car.

  “She’s fine.” Eliza called to check on her every few days. “Walsh’s just published the schedule for her new fall classes, and she said people have already started signing up.”

  “Good for her.”

  A brief silence followed. Eliza knew one of two possible questions would follow next.

  “No, she hasn’t run into David,” Eliza said, “and no, she didn’t ask me when I’m coming back.”

  “Just wondering.”

  “I know.”

  “Have you thought more about—”

  “No,” Eliza said. “Hildy’s doing fine right now. I like being home. Stop trying to get rid of me.”

  Joyce smiled. “Stay as long as you want. I had you first, you know. Here.” She handed Eliza a fistful of hard butterscotch candies.

  “Thanks. Your sandwich is in my bag.”

  * * *

  The movie was loud and overly complicated and obviously intended to set up a sequel. It was just the kind of distraction Eliza needed. Her mind had played with the column a little more, and she paused outside the theater to make a few notes on her phone.

  As soon as she turned it on, she saw that she had missed a call from Hildy. Eliza returned the call as she and her mother walked to the car.

  Hildy answered the phone with, “Lizzy, I’m fine.”

  “Okay...” It was an unusual way to start the conversation, Eliza thought, especially since they’d just spoken the day before.


  “It was just a little accident,” Hildy said. “I’m not hurt that bad.”

  * * *

  Eliza sat on the edge of Jamey’s and her bed and stared into the open closet. She tried to remember exactly what clothes she had brought with her on the first trip and left up at Hildy’s. A few sweaters, a fleece-lined pair of pants, a scarf and a fleece hat—she’d ended up wearing all of those during the lingering, snowy cold of Careybrook’s early spring. Now she wondered if she should bring more.

  There was no doubt now that she’d be staying through December. Maybe even longer, depending on how quickly Hildy healed. Her doctor said it would take at least two months before the cast came off, and then there would be rehab after that.

  “What an idiot,” Hildy complained as she told Eliza the whole story.

  “Hildy, it could have happened to anyone. It wasn’t your fault.”

  “I’m not saying it’s my fault!” she answered. “He’s the idiot for rear-ending me! It’s illegal to talk on the phone while you’re driving here, you know. Only idiots would try to text. What was so important? ‘Coming home. Just have to hit this old lady first. See you soon.’”

  Eliza stifled a laugh. “Hildy, I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’m coming back right away. I’ll be there in just two days. Can you wait that long?”

  “I’ll manage.”

  “I’m sure Carolyn Jackson would drive you anyplace you need,” Eliza said. “Or she can bring you food. Do you want me to call her?”

  “No, honey, that’s nice of you. I’ll be fine. But I don’t mind you coming back.”

  * * *

  Eliza winced when she saw the cast. It covered Hildy’s right arm from the knuckles up to the elbow. Worse yet were the various bruises on Hildy’s face from when the airbag had deployed.

  “Oh, Hildy,” she said, hugging her mother-in-law hard. Hildy patted her with her good arm. “And Daisy—yes, I see you, girl. Try to settle down.”