“What about them?” Berry prompted.
Now to say the words that would make her feel inadequate. She wasn’t special enough. She wasn’t attractive enough. She wasn’t satisfying enough. Mo wanted someone else. “They’ve developed feelings for each other.”
Berry’s expression remained neutral. “Did they tell you this?”
“Yes.” If Berry asked how she felt about it, Lesley would throttle her.
“When?”
“Mo told me a few weeks ago.” Well, Mo had acknowledged her feelings after Lesley had pointed them out to her, but Berry didn’t need to know the details. “I asked her for time. We agreed that she wouldn’t say anything to Jayne, but it was difficult to see her—Jayne—and she noticed we were uncomfortable. She went to see Mo to find out what was wrong, and that’s when it all came out. Mo told Jayne about her feelings, and Jayne said she feels the same way.”
“And then they talked to you about it?”
“Jayne talked to me about it.”
Berry’s eyes widened slightly, but she nodded.
“She said she couldn’t see me, alone or with Mo, without having a conversation about it.”
“When did that happen?”
“A couple of days ago, right after she talked to Mo.”
“Have all three of you had a conversation about it?”
Lesley shook her head. “Jayne said they’ll stick to our arrangement.”
“Do you think they will?”
“No.” Her eyes welled with tears. Not wanting to cry in front of Berry, she fought them and lowered her head. “I don’t mean they’ll go behind my back,” she said, keeping her voice even with some effort. “I expect them to eventually come to me and say they want to throw our arrangement out the window.” She inwardly cursed when a tear ran down her cheek, then took the handkerchief Berry held under her nose, where she could see it. “I’m sorry,” she said as she dabbed at her eyes. “I should be handling it better.”
Berry’s brow furrowed. “How do you think you should be reacting?”
She drew a shaky breath. “We’re Chosens. We’re in a triad. This was bound to happen. I should have prepared myself.” But she’d avoided the issue by telling herself the triad was a sham.
“You can’t prepare yourself for something like this, Lesley. You can think about how you’ll feel and react, but until it happens, it’s not real.”
“Still, I shouldn’t be struggling so much. I’m—I thought I was strong in the Way.”
“Are you worried that you’ll violate the Way?” Berry asked evenly.
Horrified, Lesley shrank back against her chair. “No!”
“Of course you’re not. I wouldn’t worry about your strength in the Way. It’s unreasonable to expect yourself to automatically accept the developing relationship between Mo and Jayne, just like that. Of course you’ll struggle, and hurt. It’s only natural. I’d be worried if you were taking it in stride.” Berry’s mouth turned up at the corners. “You took the step of making this appointment, and I know that probably wasn’t easy.”
No, baring her pain to a counsellor wasn’t something she’d normally do; it made her feel weak. But she had to talk to someone. “How do I accept their...developing relationship?” She winced at the term. “I thought Mo loved me.”
“She does.”
“Not enough, apparently.”
“Lesley—”
“She says her feelings for Jayne have nothing to do with me, that she doesn’t feel any less for me, but it’s hard to believe that.”
Berry nodded. “It’s one of those things you’ll accept over time, when you see that nothing’s changed between you.”
But something had. Mo deeply cared for—perhaps loved—Jayne. Then again, if Lesley could forget about that when she was with Mo, would things feel as they always had between them? Right now, Mo’s feelings for Jayne hung over them and invaded every conversation. If Lesley could somehow block the knowledge of them from her mind, would she still believe that Mo’s love for her had diminished, or was her awareness of Mo’s feelings for Jayne colouring her perception? Was it making her see, or expect, changes that weren’t there, in terms of Mo’s love for her and Mo’s commitment to their relationship? She couldn’t forget about Mo’s feelings for Jayne, but the possibility of perception versus reality was food for thought.
“How do you feel about Jayne?” Berry asked.
“I like her. We do seem to have a few things in common. But I don’t like her in that way.” And now she wondered if she ever could, or if she’d resent Jayne—unfairly. She was here partly because she didn’t want to blame Jayne for something that wasn’t her fault. “Mo’s seeing Jayne in a couple of days. She offered to cancel, but it’s the appointment with Nolan. I know Jayne needs the support, and I know I can’t keep them apart. I have to get used to them seeing each other.” She squeezed the handkerchief in her right hand. Was she supposed to give it back? Crying in a counsellor’s office was a new experience. “I’m not worried that they’ll act on their feelings...”
“Earlier, you said you expected them to come to you to break your arrangement.”
Lesley nodded.
“I agree that they won’t act behind your back. From the way they’re handling it so far, it’s obvious that they want what’s best for the triad, and for you.”
If they’d wanted what was best for her, they would have kept their feelings in check! Yes, unreasonable. But Lesley couldn’t help feeling that way.
“You want what’s best for the triad, too.”
“Of course I do. And I want us to be happy, not just follow the Way in misery. But I don’t know if that’s possible.”
Berry’s eyes grew distant for a moment, then they met Lesley’s. “You know the arrangement won’t last.”
“I know.” A certainty that cut to her core.
“And you want to do what’s best for the triad, long term.”
“Yes.” Suspecting what would come next, she braced herself.
“Holding them back, trying to control their relationship, will hurt all of you. They’ll grow resentful. You won’t feel right about denying them. It’ll eat away at all of you. They need control of their own relationship.”
Their own relationship. Lesley wanted to stand and pace.
“You don’t want to make them come to you. I think you know that.”
To her horror, her eyes welled again. Argamon! She bit her lip.
“I don’t expect you to go to them today and tell them the arrangement is off. You need to get yourself there mentally, first.”
“I don’t want to be the tyrant that holds them back. But I can’t...”
“I know.” Berry’s forehead creased. “Easier said than done. But that’s what we have to work toward. I know you’re busy, but I’d like to see you alone at least once a week for a bit—twice, if you can manage it.”
“Will you see them alone?”
“Not unless they want me to. And you don’t have to tell them you’re seeing me. You can if you like, but you don’t have to.”
Lesley had never expected to need a counsellor twice a week, but she’d never expected to be in a triad, or to be Mo’s Chosen and find out that Mo had fallen for someone else. “Around this time is usually best for me,” she said, pulling out her comm unit.
They arranged appointments for the next three weeks and then said good-bye. When Lesley reached the door, she realized she still clutched the handkerchief.
“Keep it,” Berry said. “I have a whole cabinet full of them. Tools of the trade.”
Lesley knew her smile didn’t reach her eyes, even though she felt more hopeful than she had when she’d entered Berry’s office. She’d known what she had to do, and hearing someone else say it had offered reassurance. There wasn’t an easy way out. She hadn’t missed the obvious. It would be cruel and uncaring to insist that Mo and Jayne stick to their arrangement, but tell that to her survival instinct. Nobody wanted to die a slow, painful dea
th.
*****
Annoyed, Jayne clenched her hands as Kevin recounted his bewilderment, anger, and sense of betrayal after the Incident. She tried not to trivialize his experience; after all, his sister had been executed, and her Chosen Violation had shocked and devastated his family. But he’d been an adult and had understood what had happened. He hadn’t been taken from his home by military, lost both his parents, been dumped on relatives who wanted to be supportive but were afraid of guilt by association, left to fend for himself at seventeen, bullied at the Indoctrination and Learning Academies, and held up as an example of being weak in the Way. Oh, and his sibling hadn’t turned her back on him. It hadn’t been about him.
She’d fought bitterness and resentment, determined not to let the Incident dictate how she behaved for the rest of her life. Otherwise she could have turned out like Kevin. He was glossing over what he had—a Chosen who loved him, children, and a prestigious position—to focus on what he’d lost. He was carrying around a burden largely of his own making. Though here she was, getting angry with him.
At least he wasn’t venting at her anymore; he was talking to Nolan. If Nolan expected Jayne to pour her heart out next, he’d be disappointed. She’d tell him the truth. She didn’t feel the need, not here, and it would only take one word to sum up what she’d lost: everything. That wouldn’t be terribly interesting.
Focus on the positive! She gave Mo a sidelong glance. Jayne’s life had recently taken a turn for the better, the opposite of what she’d expected at her notification meeting. Rather than having two Chosens who resented her, she had one who cared about her, and maybe one who resented her for reasons Jayne hadn’t anticipated. How was Lesley? Jayne hadn’t spoken to her since that night at the Thompsons’. Lesley hadn’t appeared upset during supper and had flown Jayne home. If she’d wanted to talk to Jayne and Mo about their feelings for each other, that would have been the perfect opportunity, but the three of them had sat in a silence fraught with unsaid words.
Jayne had also submitted her application to art school. The news had delighted Carol, but Jayne’s heart sank every time she thought of it. It wasn’t that she was afraid of being rejected—though she’d prefer to be accepted, of course—but that she’d handed Rymellans an opportunity to put her in her place yet again. If the rejection letter was cruel, she’d feel as if she were back at the Learning Academy, wondering if the criticism was genuine, or a reflexive reaction to her last name. After all, nothing good could come from an Adams.
Nolan’s voice snapped Jayne back to her surroundings. “…difficult to reconcile the sister you loved with the woman who committed the Chosen Violation,” he was saying. “It’s natural to ask why she didn’t think of you, of her family. A Chosen Violation is such a selfish act.”
Why hadn’t she thought of Papa’s family? Had Brenda Stewart known that he had two children? Don’t blame her. He hadn’t given his children a second thought, so why would she?
Nolan turned to Jayne. “Can you relate to what he’s saying?”
Jayne stifled a snort. Again, she had to fight her rising irritation. She could understand how shocking it would be to find out that one’s sister was committing Chosen Violations right under one’s nose, but that paled in comparison to being rejected by one’s parents. Of course she’d struggled to reconcile the two people she believed had loved her with the two who’d violated the Way with no thought to how it would affect her. She still did. Hadn’t they wanted to see her grow up? Hadn’t they realized what life would be like for the children of two executed criminals, especially two executed for Chosen Violations?
She dug her fingernails into her palms. This session might be helping Kevin, but it wasn’t doing anything for her. She’d learned to live with the questions that would never have answers, and for the first time in a long time, she had a chance at happiness. The sun might finally chase away the oppressive gloom that had surrounded her since the Incident—but she’d never forget what she’d lost.
She jumped when Mo squeezed her arm, then drew courage from Mo’s reassuring presence. “I’d rather look forward, not back. And I’m not needed here anymore.”
“Why not?” Nolan asked.
“I was under the impression that I’m here because hearing about the triad, about me, brought back bad memories for Kevin Stewart.” She glanced at Kevin, not wanting to talk about him as if he wasn’t there. “We’ve moved on from that. You can counsel him privately now.”
“Talking about it is helping,” Kevin said.
“You don’t need me here for that.”
Gwen leaned forward to peer past Kevin at Jayne. “It might be good to have a joint session every once in a while.”
Not good for her. “I don’t need to talk about the Incident. I wondered who the fourth criminal was, and I’m grateful to you for telling me,” she said, nodding at Kevin. “But now it’s time for me to leave.” She rose and turned to face the Stewarts. “I expect you’ll see news of our Joining Ceremony on the monitors.”
Mo stood at Jayne’s side. “Yeah, you will.” She told the Stewarts the date they’d Join.
“That’s only a couple of months away!” Gwen said.
The Chosen Council had agreed to the earliest date Lesley had submitted, probably eager to Join the triad. Jayne hadn’t been looking forward to living under the elder Thompsons’ roof, but now... Given recent developments, it would be better to avoid long periods of time at home alone with Mo. Adelaide and Alan would make that easier, and Lesley would probably appreciate their presence, too. “Yes, it’s soon,” Jayne said to Gwen, forcing a smile. If not for her worry about Lesley, it would have been genuine. “After that, you’re more likely to hear about my Chosens’ accomplishments than you are about me. I have every intention of staying off the monitors.” Her name would not be added to the Wall of Offenders.
“So that’s it, then?” Kevin stood and cleared his throat. “I never thought I’d say this, but thank you.” He inclined his head.
Gwen pushed herself up from her chair. “Yes, thank you. I know you weren’t sure about meeting with us. I’m glad you did.”
Jayne nodded at them, then curtly at Nolan. “Good-bye.” She strode from the stuffy office, knowing Mo would follow, and didn’t slow her pace until they’d almost reached Mo’s aviacraft. “I suddenly needed to get out of there,” she said when Mo caught up with her. Maybe Kevin wasn’t the only one who’d benefitted from the two sessions. She was ready to look forward.
“So do you feel you’ve done what you needed to do?” Mo asked.
“He seems to be dealing with it now.”
“I don’t care about him. As far as I’m concerned, you did more for him than he deserved. I want to make sure you won’t blame yourself if he does anything stupid.”
“I won’t.” They boarded the craft and belted themselves into their seats.
“So what now?” Mo asked.
Good question. This time last week, she wouldn’t have thought anything of suggesting that they go to her apartment or spend the rest of the afternoon together.
“It’s only 14:30. Do you want to get a tziva somewhere? Maybe the eatery in C5 that we went to last time?” Mo suggested.
“Sure. The desserts were scrumptious.”
Mo punched in the coordinates; the craft lifted off. “I have a feeling the servers are going to see us there quite often,” Mo said, making Jayne chuckle. They’d have to find other public places to hang out. “I’m doing a few shifts on 72 next week, so I’ll be staying over a couple of nights. I know you sometimes come with me, but...with the way things are...”
“I know. It wouldn’t be a good idea.” It would be unfair and selfish to ask Lesley’s permission, and there wasn’t much point. If Lesley said to go ahead, that she didn’t mind, Jayne wouldn’t believe her. Not only that, Jayne couldn’t forget how close she’d come to crossing the line when she and Mo had discussed Gwen Stewart’s message on 72. The overpowering desire to touch Mo, to lose herself in
Mo’s arms... The conviction that Mo would be horrified had been a powerful deterrent—one that no longer existed. That didn’t mean Jayne would give in next time; she believed that sticking to their arrangement was the best course of action for the triad, and she wouldn’t hurt Lesley and sabotage their tenuous friendship. But the tension would grow unbearable. Why put themselves into a pressure cooker? “Has Lesley said anything about...” Us? “…the other day?”
Mo shook her head. “But that’s not unusual. When she’s wrestling with something, she stays silent for a while, then talks.”
There wasn’t a tidy solution to the situation, though. Lesley wouldn’t suddenly know what to do to make everything okay again. Jayne felt for her. She wanted to grow closer to Lesley, but would that be possible now? How could Lesley not resent her? Jayne turned to Mo. “We’re due for another lunch for Berry.” She was probably the last person Lesley wanted to see, but they couldn’t let a permanent rift develop.
“I know.” Mo shrugged, but her face tightened. “You’ll have to get together again at some point.” She clearly didn’t like the idea, perhaps worried that the lunch would upset Lesley and create more problems between them.
“When she beeps me about it—” Jayne wouldn’t dare take the initiative and ask Lesley to lunch “—do you want me to suggest that we wait?”
“No.”
“But you’d rather we didn’t meet for lunch.”
“A little.” Mo raised her hand. “And I know I have no right.” She sighed. “I also know that Les has never deserved my jealousy. I don’t want to start making the same mistake with you.”
Jayne fought the sudden urge to grab Mo and kiss her. Yes, 72 was definitely off-limits; Mo’s aviacraft would be too, if she couldn’t trust herself.
*****
After Lesley finished reading her dispatches, she leaned back in her office chair and laced her fingers behind her head. Class wouldn’t begin for another twenty minutes. Normally she’d review her morning notes, but her thoughts turned to Mo on 72. Jayne hadn’t gone with her, a fact that upset, rather than appeased, Lesley. She couldn’t stand that Mo and Jayne were obviously discussing her—how she felt, and how much they thought she could bear. It didn’t matter that she would have been distracted, and perhaps angry, if Jayne had gone with Mo. They shouldn’t have to worry about her.
The Triad Page 14