Easier to Run

by Silver Rain

  I punched him in the arm, and he shut up just as Cassie came out of the bedroom.

  ***

  Cassie and I climbed into my truck while Brantley followed us in his Challenger. She stayed quiet, leaning her head against the side window.

  I stopped at a stop sign at the corner near the hospital. “You okay?”

  “Yep, just thinking about waffles…. And sex… but not at the same time.”

  In shock, I lifted the clutch too fast and killed the engine.

  Cassie doubled over in laughter as Brantley honked his horn behind us, and I restarted the truck and sped through the intersection. “What?” I asked.

  “Seriously, how long has it been since you’ve killed an engine?” She barely held back her laughter long enough to speak.

  “After what you just said?”

  She shrugged innocently. “I’m t-trying out being blunt and honest. I r-rather like having that effect on you.”

  “Right,” I said. I sighed and drummed my fingers on the shifter. “Let’s see you drive a standard then.”

  “Hah,” she threw her head back. “I’m not that coordinated. Not that I’ve ever tried. My guidance counselor took pity on me and took me to get my license when I was eighteen. I’ve been lucky to have automatics.”

  I groaned. “Where on earth did your grandparents come from?”

  “A very, very, conservative family.” The smile faded from her face and she stared out the window. I regretted even bringing them up again.

  “If I even mentioned a boy,” she said, “they flipped—before I stopped talking altogether anyhow. Sex or even speaking of sex was so far off limits they probably would have stoned me for saying the word. I feared for my life the first time I needed… feminine… stuff after I moved there.”

  “I get the picture, but I really hope you’re exaggerating on the last part.” I couldn’t imagine living there as a teenager. My parents had always been the opposite—supportive and open. Mom could befriend nearly anyone, which I attributed to so many years moving around. It pays to make friends quickly when you move to a new town.

  “It was still a horrible conversation. Like I wanted to bury myself in a hole or run away in shame.”

  I couldn’t take learning any more about her grandparents. My jaw was clenched so tight, I’d probably break a bone or tooth if the conversation continued.

  We pulled into the hospital parking garage, and Brantley parked next to us. I knew from the smirk on his face as soon as he climbed out of the car that I was in for it again.

  “Forget how to drive?” he asked, leaning over his car. Then he dropped his head and shook it. “Already, did it again, didn’t I? But what the hell were you two doing that you suddenly forgot how to work a clutch.”

  Cassie burst out laughing again.

  I just pressed my lips together and shook my head. There was nothing I could say. I caught Cassie by the back of the neck. “Will you stop laughing, you’re just encouraging whatever depravity is going on in his mind?”

  “Can’t help it,” she burst out in a giggle again. “You know m-me. Awkward makes me laugh. The l-less appropriate the situation… the more awkward… endless cycle.”

  She snorted from holding it in so long to talk and covered her mouth.

  “And you’re worried about me?” Brantley asked.

  I threw up my hands. There was no use in arguing with either of them, but at least she was laughing. That’s what I kept telling myself. “I give up.”

  Cassie tucked her arms around my waist and peered up at me. “Sorry.”

  All I could do was smile, and be damned if Brantley saw that as even more incriminating.

  “Can we get this over with?” I asked with a sigh to both of them. Brantley used sarcasm, crass, and humor to deal with any situation. As unnerving as it could be in some situations, I’d grown used to it. But I wondered if there was a connection in dealing with his dad’s PTSD. Especially since Cassie seemed to pick up on the same tactics of diversion.

  I had too many things to worry about.

  Too many possibilities.

  I felt like a hamster interminably stuck on the proverbial wheel. I was tired of going around in circles. And just plain tired.

  Cassie’s hand clasped onto mine, and we headed toward the front door of the hospital.

  “This place sure has changed in six years,” she said, glancing around as we walked through the entrance.

  “Yeah.” It seemed like the construction never stopped really. As soon as you found one way around, you had to relearn the route the next time you visited. The building was more like a creepy funhouse than a hospital at times. “Any idea where they are, Brantley?”

  “No, Paige hasn’t returned any of my messages, so I assume she has her phone off.”

  Cassie and I hung back as Brantley checked in at the front desk. “I’m looking for Elizabeth Hiland.”

  “Are you family?”

  “I’m her brother; Brantley Matthews.”

  The receptionist raised an eyebrow, then picked up the phone. I couldn’t pick up much of her hushed conversation but when she put down the phone she pointed Brantley to the elevator. “She’s not taking visitors, but you can wait in the third floor waiting room for an update.”

  I didn’t know whether to be relieved or more worried that we couldn’t find out immediately what was going on. I wondered if my sanity would survive much more of the push and pull.

  We followed Brantley onto the elevator and he punched the third-floor button, rubbing his beard with his other hand. All of the levity had passed, and the quiet weighed down on us as the elevator dragged us up to the third floor.

  The waiting room was just off the elevator. The room was packed so I waited for Brantley to make the first move since I didn’t recognize anyone from his family.

  This was going to be harder than I anticipated. Much harder. Especially when I was here with another girl’s hand in mine.

  Brantley looked around, then shrugged. “I guess no one else is here. I’m going to check at the nurse’s station.”

  I pointed Cassie to a couple of chairs near the side wall and we took a seat.

  “You’ve m-met their family, right?” Cassie asked.

  “They live out of town… I’m never in town….” I let her fill in the rest.

  “Oh good,” she whispered. “And I w-was worried about s-standing out.”

  I nudged her in the shoulder, then draped my arm around her.

  Brantley returned and sat down next to me. “No news. Again. I guess Paige is with her.”

  His phone buzzed a few minutes later. “It’s Paige. She said they finally got Liz calmed down. She started raving at four o’clock this morning and breaking shit, then curled up in a ball and started crying.”

  Because of me? Because of us?

  His phone buzzed repeatedly, apparently Paige was catching him up with the updates all at once. “They suspect a chemical imbalance, but they’re waiting on a tox screen.”

  “What about the pregnancy?” I asked, but the words barely made a sound.

  He shrugged. “No word. Paige said she’s asking to see you, though.”

  My chest clenched.

  “They’re letting one person in at a time, so if you want to go rotate out with her, it’s room 317.”

  I squeezed Cassie’s hand, and she gave me a tight smile.

  “I’ll be here,” she said.

  Cassie

  The waiting room still freaked me out, but I needed to be here because of all the times he’d stood by me. I needed to be here because for once, I thought he might need me as much as I needed him.

  Brantley slid over into the seat next to me. “I figured I should apologize for my crude remarks.”

  I shrugged. It wasn’t the crude remarks that made him seem intimidating—although they didn’t quite make him approachable either. The scariest thing about him was that he knew my secrets. It had been hard enough to talk to Ben about things, but I had kno
wn Brantley barely more than twenty-four hours.

  “That’s why I like living with Ben,” Brantley continued. “He’s an easy going guy, and normally lets me run off at the mouth when I need to. It’s just a habit, I get stressed, I make crass remarks and laugh it off.”

  I shuffled my feet underneath my seat as he continued talking.

  “I’m trying to make you less nervous around me,” he said leaning toward me.

  “D-don’t take it p-personally,” I whispered.

  He gave me a warm smile and a nod. “So, it’s not the beard?”

  I laughed and managed to raise my eyes up to his dark eyes. “N-no.” I swallowed and dropped my gaze back to my restless feet. “Th-thank you… for t-talking me down yesterday.”

  “Sure. Since you have medication, I’d assume you’ve been to a doctor. And maybe I’m reaching to think that they’ve mentioned PTSD to you.”

  The mental box started closing in around me, sealing me off. I nodded, barely forcing down a wall long enough for that subtle answer.

  “But you didn’t tell Ben that?” he asked.

  Damn him. I clenched my jaw and squeezed my eyes closed. It was none of his business. Where on earth was his girlfriend? At least she might divert his attention.

  “I’m not judging you, Cassie. My dad had it. He was a great guy and I admired him every single day.”

  I opened my eyes and fought back the walls closing in on me. “W-what h-happened to him?”

  “He died of pancreatic cancer, three years ago. He never much trusted doctors, so it was advanced by the time they caught it.”

  “S-sorry.”

  “It was hard, but he was ready to go. Cancer is a bitch like that.”

  Cancer… a shock of a lifetime. I lost my parents in what seemed like a split second. That terrified me, but I wondered if it was really any worse than knowing month after month that it’s coming. It’s always coming one way or another. “W-was your dad a truck d-driver?”

  Brantley shook his head. “Nah. He was a Marine. A damn stubborn and strong one. Flashbacks were the only thing that could stop him in his tracks. Your mind can be a dangerous adversary when it wants to be.”

  I nodded and felt the tears burning at my eyes. “I j-just wanted to f-forget. L-leave it all behind.”

  “Doesn’t work like that.” He leaned against my shoulder, nudging me with the truth. “You need to talk to Ben.”

  “M-most of the t-time he’s the only one I can talk to.”

  “But you need to talk about this. About what scares you. About the very things you’re afraid to put into words.”

  “Why?” I struggled not to let my words turn into a sob.

  “It’s the only way he can help. Avoidance only gets you so far, but it leaves the memories in the back of your mind to fester until you can’t contain them anymore.”

  It almost sounded like he understood my own mind better than me. “If it c-could stop your d-dad in his tracks, what m-makes you think I have a c-chance?”

  He gave me an easy smile, his eyes revealing the same warmth I heard in his voice. “Trust me, you do. Most importantly, you have Ben.”

  “That’s some serious advice from the master of being crude.”

  “I’m a man of many talents. But don’t tell Ben, if he expects more from me it could ruin our friendship.” We quietly laughed together for a second.

  He put his arm over the back of my seat and stretched out. “You’re going to be just fine, Cassie, but eventually you have to have to face it head on. It’s good to have backup when you do that.”

  “Thanks.” Since we were talking, I let curiosity get the better of me. “So, it doesn’t b-bother you that Ben dumped your sister?”

  “Step-sister. I’ve been telling him to dump her since they started dating. They were like….” He took a long breath and stared across the room for a moment. “Did your chemistry teacher ever show you what happens when you drop potassium in water?”

  I grunted and nodded. The science teacher at my second high school was never that cool, but my first run through tenth grade chemistry was as entertaining as it was interesting.

  “Yeah, that’s what Ben and Liz are like. Fairly fine and dandy on their own, but highly volatile when mixed.”

  “Did your dad marry her mom?”

  “Nah, Dad never remarried. Liz’s Mom died when she was five, and her Dad and my Mom got together when I was ten. My parents split because, for a long time, Dad refused to get help—or even accept it when it was offered. He could get pretty violent in a rage until he finally faced the problem. They made amends a few years later, even though Mom was already remarried.”

  He shifted again, crossing his ankles in front of him and covering his mouth as he stifled a yawn.

  I felt bad for prying. Guilty to keep asking questions, but I had one final one. “But he did get better?”

  “I’m not saying it was easy peasy. It took work, but yeah, it became manageable.” He yawned again and rubbed his fingers over his eyelids. “I need a coffee. You want anything?”

  I shook my head. Despite being dragged out of bed so early, I felt pretty good. But I wasn’t going to tell him that. Who could have predicted what kind of remark he’d come up for that one?

  “I’ll be back in like five minutes then. You okay waiting—”

  “I’m good,” I said. On the bright side, if I was waiting alone and any of Liz’s other family showed up, I could just blend in and no one would know who I was.

  Ben

  Paige met me right outside the door to Liz’s room. She looked like a mess, with her normally smooth and tamed strawberry blonde hair, hanging in a mess around her face. Her arms were folded in front of her, revealing a large bruise forming on her forearm.

  “Did she do that?” I asked in a whisper.

  “Yeah. I’ve never seen anything like it. Her mood is just up and down and…” She dropped her head back and stared at the ceiling. “She seemed back to normal when I went to bed and then she was raving and throwing furniture. Then—” Her voice died off with a weak shrug.

  “Did she say anything about what might’ve set her off?”

  “Well, last night, she was talking about you. But this morning, it made no sense. And”—she crooked her finger for me to come closer and stepped off to the side of the hallway—”she kept asking the doctor about the baby.”

  My stomach sank, and for what seemed like an eternity, I couldn’t breathe.

  “But the test said she’s not pregnant.”

  My emotions felt like they were being jerked around worse than a yo-yo. “Miscarriage?”

  “No, hormones would still show up in her blood unless it happened a while ago. At this point there’s no way to tell, but she’s not pregnant and she didn’t have a recent miscarriage.” She grabbed both of my shoulders and squeezed. “You’re off the hook for that one, Benjamin.”

  That wasn’t really how I wanted to hear it. “She lied?”

  “The way she was raving this morning—” she lifted her shoulders and gave me along somber stare. “I really don’t know what to tell you, Ben. She’d mentioned being pregnant a few times to me over the last couple of weeks, it didn’t seem like she was lying, but….” She trailed off.

  “Brantley mentioned there was someone else.”

  “Yeah.” Paige’s eyes widened. “I even tried to get her to go to the police, but she said it was all consensual and they just had a crazy, rough night.”

  “Did you think he might have raped her?”

  Paige shook her head again. “I really have no idea, Ben. We haven’t been that close. When she came to me last night, well, I was pretty shocked.”

  “Is there anyone else she’s been hanging out with?” I wasn’t sure why I finished the question because from the look I got half way through, I knew her answer.

  “I’ve given you all that I know. She’s been distant for the last couple of months. The doctor said only one at a time,” she looked up and down the ha
ll. “But I’ll walk in with you if you want. They just don’t want her getting too worked up or overloaded. They said something about her brain being overstimulated—possibly.”

  I blew out a slow breath. “I’ll go in alone, but do you mind staying by the door?”

  “Sure.”

  I took another breath, but my lungs just filled with the smell of disinfectant—it did little to calm my shaking hand as I pushed open the door. I tiptoed past the curtain, and saw Liz sleeping quietly on the hospital bed. Maybe it’d all be for the best if she just slept.

  I wasn’t sure how badly I wanted answers anymore. I approached the side of the bed and touched her still warm hand. Her eyelids fluttered and she smiled.

  “Ben, when did you get back?” Her voice was hoarse but light.

  “Back?” I asked thrown off by the question.

  She raised her eyebrows. “Back in town, silly.”

  “Um, Saturday.”

  She closed her eyes and stayed quiet for a moment. “And what day is it today?”

  Holy fuck. How bad was this?

  “It’s Monday. We spoke on Saturday, and again last night. You don’t remember that?”

  “Oh.” She stared up at the ceiling. “When can I go home? I have to get ready for the baby.”

  I poured all of my tension into the hand grasping at the railing of her bed until my knuckles turned white.

  “Whose baby?”

  She shook her head, but her smile still hadn’t really faded. “Ours! Are you going to pretend to have forgotten everything?”

  I didn’t know whether I was supposed to correct her or go along with it.

  “I’m so glad we’re all going to be together.” She closed her eyes again and within a few minutes her head rolled to the side.

  I felt like I was going to have a mental breakdown just standing there watching her chest rise and fall. I slid my hand out of her loosened grasp and walked slowly to the door.

  “Ben,” she called after me. I had deeply hoped she’d stay asleep. “I love you.”

  I looked back at her, but nothing else on my body would move.

  “Ben?”