Chapter 19
I was determined not to think.
Yes, I put a total embargo on all brain activity because to think was to come to some realisations and to come to those realisations was something that I knew I did not want to do. By the end of a long Thursday night spent tossing and turning I was wishing that I didn't have a brain at all…or at least a conscience within it.
Still, when my brain caught me weakening my resolve not to think (meaning just as I was about to drift off to sleep) it would send one short, urgent message: Haley knows!
I was so unbelievably screwed and I couldn't for the life of me figure a way out of the mess I was in. What with whatever it was that was going on with Simone, Micky and Sam it felt as if all control of the situation had completely left my hands. And so I baulked at taking any drastic action and determined to wait until I could talk the Haley situation out with Jack. Maybe he could talk to her…or maybe he knew a good hit man.
It seemed even the weather was feeling angsty on the Friday. Obviously drawing inspiration from the stress radiating amongst my friends it was extremely wet and windy, verging on cyclone material.
I had one of those crappy days which seem to stretch on forever because it has been divided into so many different chores. I had started the day with a double lecture which was so boring I almost slid into a catatonic state and when poor Adam tried in vain to get a laugh out of me he ended up being asked by the lecturer to shut up or leave.
I dropped my car off at Tommo's place as planned so he could look for the cause of the rattling noise and then proceeded to do all my little jobs (grocery shopping, etc) on foot in the pouring rain. Staggering home with my shopping I realised that, at the rate I was going, I wasn't going to make it to work on time. I didn't even have time for a shower so I just pulled on dry clothes, gave my hair a quick blow dry and ran for the bus which, of course, pulled away from the stop as soon as I approached it. So then I had to wait for the second bus and was, in fact, late. After being told off by my boss I set to work piling books which, by the time the end of my shift rolled around, had my arms aching.
As I stepped outside I found that the lashing rain and whipping wind had increased rather than decreased in ferocity and I was drenched through in about two seconds. Naturally I had to wait over half an hour for the bus home, still getting soaked by the rain as the bus shelter could do little against horizontal droplets. And, when the bus finally did arrive, it was so full I had to wedge myself against two high school boys who spent the entire trip leering at my breasts which were showing through quite clearly as the rain made it look like I had entered into a wet T-shirt competition.
It had been a quite momentously hideous day and the final straw occurred when, as I was making my painful way up the stairwell to my flat, the fluorescent lights above me flickered and then died, leaving me in complete and utter darkness.
"Oh for God’s sake!" I shrieked in frustration. "You can't be serious!"
Not many people know this about me, but I'm not overly fond of the dark. I don't mean I need a night light or anything, in fact when I'm trying to sleep the darker the better, but when I'm still walking around doing stuff it freaks me out a little. I always imagine someone is there in the dark about to pounce. Stupid I know, but I can't help my overactive imagination, in fact the more I try to make my brain think about something else the more it invents scary things hidden in the dark. My brain is so disobedient!
It is one of my theories that people with no imagination can't be scared of the dark. I mean if you can't create some scary serial killer with a whole back story and the deep rooted psychological reasons for his disturbed behaviour what is there really to be scared of?
Anyway, serial killers aside, the dark presented a very real danger for me at that moment as I had to make my way up the stairs in complete darkness. Not even a smidgeon of light made its way into the stairwell so I gripped the handrail and slowly, painstakingly slowly, began creeping up the stairs, placing both feet securely on a stair before moving on.
I congratulated myself when I reached the landing safely and then began the next difficult task of the day which was trying to find the keyhole. After gouging holes in the wood with my key everywhere, it seemed, but the actual lock part I finally struck gold and opened the door, letting myself into the flat.
I’d had some vague notion in my mind that the flat wouldn't be as dark as the stairwell, as if it would be a very localised power cut, but I was proved wrong immediately I stepped in the door. With rain clouds covering the moon and stars, the streetlamps out and not even the flicker of the microwaves display screen to light my way it was going to be a very dark evening. And cold, I soon realised, because the heating was off too.
"Alright," I said quietly to myself, my eyes still straining futilely in the dark to pick up any outline at all, "there is absolutely nothing to be scared of in the dark."
Taking off my sodden shoes and socks so I wouldn't walk mud and all sorts into the carpet, I began to creep slowly forward, my arms outstretched, feeling like I was playing blind man’s bluff but all the more freaked out because I wasn't blindfolded. This strategy seemed to work and I estimated I'd shuffled about half way across the room when suddenly I felt an extreme pain in my toe and realised I'd stubbed it hard against a chair leg.
Letting out a little howl of pain I grabbed at the source of the pain and hopped ungracefully on the spot as I tried to rub away the sting.
"Yeah," I said through gritted teeth, "there's nothing to be scared of in the dark except for the f-ing furniture!"
"Tally?"
That had been Jack's voice, he was here? I immediately stopped hopping and grumbling and looked towards where the voice had come from, expecting to see Jack standing in the doorway to his room.
"I didn't realise you'd be home," I said in surprise, feeling a weird swoop in my belly as it lifted at the knowledge that Jack was near and then sank again as I remembered the conversation I had to have with him about Haley.
"The front window at work was smashed by a branch so we knocked off early," Jack replied, "Matt and I went to the bar for a bit then I thought I'd come home and get some more study in," there was a pause and then he chuckled, "but I guess that idea's defunct now."
So Jack was home and Matt wasn't. Great, now I couldn't even use the presence of my brother as an excuse to put off having 'the talk' with Jack. I sighed quietly in the darkness wishing that I could rewind the clock and go back to the Thursday afternoon when things had seemed so good.
I heard Jack begin to move and then his footsteps stopped and he said, with another rueful laugh, "Where do I think I'm going? I don't know where you are. Marco!"
I forced a laugh too and replied, "Polo."
His footsteps started up again, moving slowly and cautiously towards me. "Marco?" He said again and then there was a loud crash, "Oh damn, that hurt!" He exclaimed.
"Polo. Are you alright?" I asked, unable to stop a genuine smile lifting my lips then. Maybe the dark wasn't so bad after all, perhaps instead it was an opportunity for me to duck out of my responsibility to be serious like I had so many times in the past. After all, I couldn't have a serious conversation with Jack stumbling about performing, by the sounds of it, various slapstick routines, could I?
"I'll live," Jack grumbled. "But don't think the dark hides the fact that you smiled when I walked into the wardrobe. Marco."
"Oh, is that what you walked into?" I asked cheekily, "Great, now I have a proper visual, thanks. Polo."
Eventually, after much more 'Marco' and 'Polo'-ing, Jack found me and, without even thinking (which seemed to be my usual approach recently), I threw my arms around him and gave him a great bit hug. Jack seemed surprised by my behaviour, but didn't comment on my sudden need to crush his ribs, simply resting his head atop mine and gently stroking my back.
During this moment every instinct inside of me screamed that what I was doing was crazy. Surely I had seen enough films to know that sods law w
ould dictate that the lights would come back on just as Matt walked in the door and he would see Jack and I as we were? Haley already knew, why was I risking further discovery? But I pushed this feeling aside because, honestly, what are instincts anyway? Just pieces of the psyche that weren't deemed important enough to be proper cognitive thought, that's what!
"You're soaked through," Jack murmured into my wet hair after a little while and, as I pulled away from the hug, I realised he was right. I bet I had even made wet patches on his clothes, but I hadn't thought and he didn't complain.
Of course, as soon as Jack had pointed out that I was practically dripping, I got a bad case of the shivers and wrapped my arms around myself against the cold. The next moment I felt rather than saw Jack move away over in the direction of the kitchen and heard him say, "I'm going to have a quick look round for a torch or some candles, you should get dry and change."
I nodded that I thought it was a good idea but then realised he couldn't see me and said aloud, "Right you are boss," trying to sound jolly and upbeat but failing miserably.
I carefully made my way over to the bathroom and then, with the towel that I collected there, I inched across the room again and to my bedroom. Once inside I peeled off my sodden clothes and rubbed the towel across my damp, goosebump-ly skin before wrapping my wet hair up into a towel turban and hurriedly getting dressed into my fluffy pjs.
For the briefest of moments, I wondered whether I should close the door and climb into bed, delaying my talk with Jack about Haley until another day, but then I gave myself a mental slap and squared my shoulders. It had to be done and the longer I delayed, the more trouble Jack and I could end up in.
I could hear Jack fumbling about in the drawers out in the kitchen and didn't envy him the job of sticking his hands blindly into our messy cupboards and drawers. He might need a tetanus shot by the time he was done.
Suddenly remembering something, I dropped to my knees and began searching underneath the bed for a box I had thrown down there in March. Finally finding the small white, cardboard box I opened it up and grabbed the hideous novelty candle which was nestled within. Going out into the main room I realised that Jack had continued his search for a light source in his room and I felt my way across to his door and knocked gently on it.
"Hey, did you find any matches on your search?" I asked moving gingerly inside his room and hoping I didn't fall over anything, I wouldn't have got two paces in Matt's room before tripping over something but Jack's floor was, thankfully, less messy.
To answer my question there was the scratch of a match being lit and the next second Jack's face was illuminated by a little flame. Moving forward I tipped the candle's wick towards the lit match and smiled as it caught and a little of the darkness ebbed away.
Jack blew out the match and, for a moment, we looked at each other across the flame on the candle. His normally light eyes looked a navy blue in the shadowy room and I could see myself reflected in his pupils which were dilated against the dark.
So this was it. I knew it and he knew it. Let the serious talking begin.
I tore my eyes from his, feeling disorientated and more afraid of the unknown then I had been when it had been dark. Crossing the room to place the candle on the bedside table I paused for a second before taking a deep breath and turning around. Before I could say anything, however, Jack beat me to it.
"I know you don't want to talk, but I can't put it off anymore, I have something I need to tell you," he said, leaning back against his desk with his arms crossed. I usually would have assumed this was an aggressive pose but in that moment it seemed more a position of defence rather than defiance.
I nodded that I understood, my head feeling weirdly heavy because of the towel turban, and then said, "Yeah I've got to tell you something too," Before sinking down onto the edge of his bed. There was a little pause in which I realised that Jack obviously intended me to go first. I stared unseeingly at the weird shadows being thrown up against the opposite wall by the wavering flame in front of me and then pulled myself together and gestured towards the candle.
"Haley gave me that," I said, still finding myself prevaricating despite knowing that it was time to cut to the nitty gritty. "It was an Easter present of all things!" I suddenly felt a great swell of hatred towards the oddly shaped lump of wax. "I mean what the hell did she think I was going to do with a large demented looking chicken candle?" I said, my voice a lot louder than I had intended it to be.
"Use it for emergency lighting in a power cut," Jack suggested pointedly, his voice immediately going to the frustrated 'Talia is bitching about Haley again' tone I knew so well. Without even looking at him I knew he had just run a hand through his hair in irritation.
"I barely knew her though," I ploughed on. "I'd only just met her the previous fortnight and then, lo and behold, she turns up with an Easter present for me. I mean talk about obvious! She wanted in with me so I wouldn't interfere with her plans for you and Matt."
"Oh yeah," Jack said, a bite of sarcasm entering his voice, "I just remembered that she gave Matt and me chocolate eggs for Easter, she was clearly trying to fatten us up so she could push us in the oven later and eat us!"
"Oh, ha, ha" I grumbled, not at all amused at how quickly the annoyance on both our parts had risen in so short a period of time. "But that's another thing, how come you two got chocolate and I got that?" I pointed at the candle and wrinkled my nose up at the offending object.
"For God’s sake," Jack sighed, "you're determined to read an insult into everything Haley does. You know how I saw the whole candle-giving situation? I thought it was a nice gesture from a neighbour to someone new in the building."
I seethed at Jack's patronising attitude. Little did he know that Haley had revealed her true colours the night before. Well, I was going to be able to set him straight on that score once and for all.
"Maybe I'm determined to read an insult into everything she does, but you're determined to read good in everything she does," I snapped, getting up off the bed and glaring through the gloom at him. "You're not a girl so you don't see the games she's playing."
"Or maybe I see her for what she really is rather than imagining she's playing games with me," Jack said, his voice even and restrained.
"I'm not imagining!" I exploded, why could he never admit that I might know things about her that he didn't?
"I think you are." I hated that calm, soft voice of his when he used it against me, it was the voice he used with strangers or people who annoyed him. I guess, considering the years we had known each other, I was in the latter category.
"You're wrong!" I really needed to work on my arguing skills. Still, they do say that there is nothing like the direct approach and being direct was one thing that I had in spades.
"I don't think I am." This last flat out refusal from Jack to believe me broke through my flimsy intent to break the news of Haley's knowledge to him gently and I found myself shouting:
"She knows!"
There was a ringing silence after my explosion and then I said, more quietly this time, "Haley knows that there is something going on with us."
There. I'd told him and now he would have to change his attitude. I waited for him to be astonished and alarmed like I had been on the Thursday, or to apologise profusely to me and proclaim Haley an interfering bitch (unlikely considering his code of gentlemanly behaviour but a girl could dream) but instead he simply looked at me steadily and said, "I know."
The self satisfied smirk died on my lips and there was a strange buzzing in my ears as I took in what he'd said. Copying his stance I folded my arms and searched for the words I needed to say.
"You know?" I finally managed to force out between my shocked lips. Then, as the initial stunned surprise wore off, I narrowed my eyes and demanded, "How long have you known she knows? No, more importantly, how do you know she knows?" I knew that I was saying 'know' way too many times but I was unable to stop myself, my ability to look for synonyms had been k
nocked right out of me.
Jack, seeming to realise that we were at a crucial point and that whatever he said from this point on would be used against him at a later date, straightened up off the desk, his eyes searching for mine. I, however, was wise to his game and pointedly looked away, waiting for his answer.
"Monday." He said it so quietly I wasn't sure for a moment whether I had heard him right. "I ran into Haley at Uni on Monday and she pretty much asked me flat out if there was something going on between you and me."
He paused, but not long enough for my mind to stop whirring uselessly over the fact that he'd known that Haley was on to us from the beginning of the week and form a sentence, so he continued on without any input from me.
"She wasn't being accusing about it or anything, she simply said she'd noticed that we'd changed around each other and thought that maybe there was something going on. I said no but-"
"But you've always been a rubbish liar and she saw straight through you," I muttered, regaining the power of speech and feeling my thoughts finally click into place. "So you've known since Monday?" I looked at him then and knew that, even in dim light, he could see how angry I was. "And you didn't think that maybe I should know? It didn't even cross your mind to do me the courtesy of telling me that my whole world was about to cave in on my head?"
Jack seemed to take exception to this and I watched with a degree of satisfaction as a little of his calm façade cracked. "Now that's not fair," he said coldly. "I tried to tell you, twice in fact, but you wouldn't let me talk."
That was what he'd been trying to tell me? I'd thought he wanted to talk through the consequences of sleeping together. If I'd known that he had something that important to tell me I wouldn't have shushed him. Still, I didn't feel as if it was my fault and I told him so.
"You should have tried harder," I added and Jack gave a mirthless little laugh which really sent my hackles skyward.
"I don't know if you've ever noticed this, but you're not exactly the easiest person in the world to make listen to something you don't want to hear," he said cuttingly. "It's pretty damn hard to make you do anything you don't want to do, although you've sure as hell got the convincing people to do things they don't want to do down pat."
"Oh, real nice Jack!" I snapped back, feeling indescribably hurt that he would use my convincing him to help me get over my phobia against me. "But we're not talking about me right at this second, it's Haley I'm worried about. For all we know she's told the whole Uni by now!"
"That's pretty unlikely," Jack disagreed, his voice still sharp. "I think somebody would have mentioned it to us by now, wouldn't you? Anyway, for all you think that Haley despises you, she likes me so I don't think she'll say anything."
"Oh yes we all know she likes you!" I sniped. "That's why I think she'll tell everybody, gets me conveniently out of the way so she can have you all to herself, doesn't it? And your attitude now shows that you wouldn't particularly mind that, would you?"
I know you're all thinking at this point 'my God she has truly lost it' and I can't say I disagree with you, Jack certainly didn't.
"What planet are you living on?" He looked as irritated and frustrated as Matt did when I ate the last of the cereal and forgot to buy more and, believe me, that is the most extreme example out there. "Haley is a friend of mine and a good deal saner than you which makes hanging out with her, by comparison, much easier. But that does not mean-" He continued as he saw me open my mouth to point out that he had just admitted that he liked Haley over me, "that I would trade in a second of the time I've spent with you to be with Haley." He paused to let that sink in and then repeated, "Not a second, do you understand?"
Seriously, this boy should work on a bomb squad, talk about diffusing an explosive situation! Whereas moments before I would have quite happily ripped his head off I now felt that life as a pile of mush in his hands wouldn't be all that bad.
I struggled for a moment or two to remember what my point had been and then, as some of the blood I was using to blush profusely made its way to my brain I stammered out, "So…so you don't think she'll tell anyone?"
"No," Jack said quietly and patiently, "I know she won't."
And then, because I'd had next to no sleep the night before worrying about the Haley issue and because I'd had a rotten day and was feeling tired and emotional, I sat down hard on his bed and began to fight very hard against a wall of tears which had risen up my throat.
Within seconds Jack was beside me on the bed and I was turning my face in against his chest and letting him rock me soothingly.
So I'm a coward, I admit it freely, but how could I have brought up in that moment that if Haley had guessed about us surely other people would too? I couldn't bring myself to shatter the illusion we had built up that we would get away with what we were doing, it was too sweet a dream.
So Much to Learn Page 35