So Much to Learn
Page 47
~*~
Back up in the flat Jack was nowhere to be seen in the main room, but the door to his bedroom was open and I could see him moving about in there. Crossing over to his doorway my stomach dropped like a stone when I saw what he was doing.
"Jack, no," I groaned as he stuffed another shirt into an already bulging bag. Another full backpack sat ready for departure on his bed and for a moment I contemplated going over to it and emptying it onto the floor to delay him leaving, but I knew it was useless.
He looked up and tried to give me a reassuring smile, but it was tainted and didn’t make me feel better at all. My breath hitched as I saw the dark red mark, already leaning towards purple, across his jaw and I knew that the one on his stomach would be even worse.
"I've got to go, Tally," Jack was saying. "You get that, right?"
"No," I said, stubbornly refusing to believe that throwing Jack out of his life was going to make things any better for Matt. "I think you should stay and help me convince him that this whole thing is down to me."
Jack stopped what he was doing then and looked at me very seriously. "I can't do that. I'm done lying to him."
Why oh why wasn't anyone letting me talk about how this whole thing had started? Jack was there, he knew that it was my fault but he was still covering for me. It was infuriating.
"But it wouldn't be a lie, that's the point," I said forcefully. "I made you teach me and it all spiralled from there." I was momentarily tickled that 'spiralled' covered everything that had happened in the last couple of months, from losing my virginity to realising that I had properly deep romantic feelings for someone for the first time in my life.
"Come on, Talia, be serious." He returned to his packing, but I had the feeling that it wasn't just because he felt it needed to get done but rather because he didn't want to look at me. "You can't actually think that you didn't leave me with any other choice but to do as you asked."
"But I didn't." What was he on about? It wasn't as if he chose to help me out…did he? When there was no reply from Jack and as he continued to shovel his possessions into the bag, I left the doorway and went over to him, putting my hand hesitantly on his arm. "Jack?" I asked and he released a deep sigh and fastened the bag before he set it aside and looked at me seriously.
"It never even occurred to you that on that first night I could have just restrained you until you calmed down and then talked you out it? Or if I'd really wanted to sort it out I could have just told Matt, but I didn't, did I? It was my choice to do this thing with you and I'm just as much, if not more, to blame for how things have turned out."
Did Jack not realise that chivalry was dead? He seemed to be the only guy in the world who had not received that particular message.
I knew I wouldn't be able to convince him that the blame was mine alone so I abandoned that line of argument…for the moment. Instead I hung my head and muttered, "I hate that he's so angry." My voice wavered with emotion and I heard Jack sigh before he wrapped his arms securely around me.
"Me too," he said seriously as I rested my cheek against his shoulder, wrapping my arms loosely around his waist and breathing his scent deeply. Jack kissed the top of my head lightly then gave one of my pigtails a gentle tug. "You know, it's not you he's really angry at. Give him a couple of days and things will be as they were with you two."
I opened my mouth to protest, but when I thought about it, I realised he was right. Matt would forgive me because he's never managed to stay mad at me for long and because he clearly had decided that I was the victim in the circumstances. But as for forgiving Jack…
It made me kind of angry actually. What, because I'm a girl I'm not responsible for my actions? What century are we in again?
I looked up at him and frowned my displeasure. "I'll make him understand," I vowed. "I'll give him some time to rant and rave, but after that he's going to sit down and listen to me because we haven't done anything wrong, not really. On the scale of crimes in the world two consenting adults having sex and not telling someone is hardly up there with genocide, is it?"
Jack smiled slightly and then winced as it pulled at his bruised skin. "Well the Hague would probably not be that interested in us, no. But to Matt it was a pretty significant piece of information to exclude him from."
His arms tightened about me momentarily and then he pulled away, kind of reluctantly it seemed to me, and picked up his bags. "I should go, I don't want to piss him off anymore than I have already." He moved past me out of his room and I whirled and followed him feeling as I did so that it seemed like I didn't have to wait for the end of the year when he went to England to lose him, I was losing him now.
"Where are you going to stay?" I asked him as he pulled on his jacket.
"Tommo's. He'll let me crash at his until semester ends, it's only a few weeks away anyway."
I wondered then whether Matt had known that Jack would have needed to go to Tommo's and had deliberately not gone there so Jack would have somewhere to go. In fact, the more I thought about it, the more I realised that Matt was still probably looking out for Jack in his own way. Being the stubborn boy that he is he would never admit it of course.
Never? That word startled me and I tried to imagine life without Jack and Matt together. The images wouldn't come, after all I didn't have many reference points for life without them as they'd become inseparable when I was 6. How could I even begin to comprehend it?
My horror and confusion must have registered on my face because Jack looked pained and murmured, "Don't look like that."
I shook my head; I refused to pretend that this was OK with me. It hurt and I was so bloody sick of feeling this awful. I knew that at that moment Jack felt as if he had to choose between me and Matt and it seemed that he was choosing me because he thought he had a duty towards me.
Well bugger that!
I was not going to continue to ruin things for the two people I cared most about in the world. Jack was just going to have to change his allegiance back to Matt, where it had always been before I came along and forced him to switch.
"It's not fair that you and Matt should be screwed up like this just for some stupid thing between you and me," I said petulantly, feeling a little twinge in my chest as I forced myself to pretend that my time with Jack hadn't meant anything. "The lessons have been over for a while now and sure we've occasionally kissed or whatever-" I reddened thinking about the day before, both at how good it had been to feel his lips on mine and how I'd ruined it by saying sheep, "but nothing significant. The main stuff is in the past, in fact, if you think about it, Matt really has nothing to be angry at you for now."
Jack folded his arms a strange look crossing his face. "You think so?" He asked, his voice a study in careful neutrality.
"Well yes," I barged on, feeling my palms beginning to get a little bit sweaty at the energy I was having to expend to keep an encouraging smile on my face when all I wanted to do was snivel pathetically that I didn't want him to go. "Like you said, he won't be cross at me for long and when he's cooled down I'll go to him and tell him that what happened with us was a mistake and that we both regret it and are very sorry. Then you can back me up and then…why are you shaking your head?" I asked crossly.
"It won't work," Jack informed me.
"Why?" I demanded. "Why won't it work?"
"Because-" He sighed deeply, "I believed you when you told me back at your parent's place that you had no regrets."
"And what does that mean?" I moved forwards, threading through the overturned chairs and table and leaning back against the counter. Something told me that when he answered it would be good to have something solid at my back.
"Right." Jack seemed to suddenly decide on something and the next second he slammed his hands down on the counter on either side of me, trapping me between his arms and leaving me squirming as I could feel the heat from his body pulsing against me. "Look at me, Tally."
His voice was so commanding I did, tilting my head and gazin
g obediently into the depths of his brilliant blue eyes.
"Somebody called Matt, I don't know who and at this moment I couldn't really give a damn. They told him that we had slept together, whoever they were, and when he hung up Matt asked me straight out if it was true. Now I know that I told you I would wait and face him with you, but I had to tell him."
"I understand," I said quietly, and I honestly did. It seemed extraordinary to contemplate given the circumstances but if Jack had lied to him then, when he had asked him head on like that, things could have been a lot worse.
"I hoped you would." His demeanour softened for a moment but hardened again when he continued speaking. "So anyway, he flipped and demanded to know what had been going on behind his back."
"And what did you tell him?" My voice was so small if he hadn't been so closely pressed up against me I doubt he would have heard my question.
There was a beat of silence during which my heart started beating so fast it felt like it was going to burst right through my chest. Somehow I knew that whatever Jack said next was going to be the last straw needed to completely shatter any sense of normalcy left in my life.
"I told him the truth," Jack's voice was suddenly calm, "I told him I love you."