So Much to Learn

by Jessie L. Star

  Chapter 32

  For a moment it seemed as if Jack and I were the only ones in the room. Yeah, OK, believe me I never thought I would say such a cheesy thing but I'm all up for cheese if it's true and I can't really think of any other way to describe what happened. It was like a fog swelled up out of nowhere and covered everything except Jack and me. It even muffled the sound like I'd just donned some earmuffs.

  We locked gazes and held. The shield in front of his face was gone but I still couldn't really tell what he was thinking. Perhaps he seemed a little…afraid? No, that couldn't be right, Jack didn't get scared. 'What are you thinking?' I silently pleaded. I think he must have caught my question and not liked my attempt to get inside his head because he abruptly got to his feet, his chair toppling over at the suddenness of his movement.

  I blinked in surprise and came back to reality where there was a round of gentle applause rippling around the tent. I heard someone whistling their approval and saw Simone grinning up at me, beside her even Micky had managed to bring his hands together in a couple of desultory claps. This wasn't a bringing down the house kind of applause, it was polite and restrained as people looked at each other in confusion, obviously wondering what that bit at the end had been about. They soon brushed their bemusement aside, however, and started drifting hopefully towards the buffet. I guess politician wasn't going to be one of my career goals if my speeches received such a luke-warm response. Still, I didn't care what random people thought of my speech. It only mattered to me what one person thought.

  I looked back down to where Jack had stood up and felt a little drop of ice spike my stomach as I saw that he was gone. I dropped the microphone and jumped off the stage, scanning the crowd, trying to catch a glimpse of him.

  Starting to panic, I pushed my way through the people, shouting out his name and receiving my fair share of weird looks for it. I didn't care, I just wanted Jack. What if he'd left already? What if my speech had done nothing but annoy him? Had I pushed him even further away?

  "Where the hell do you think you're going?" I froze out of habit hearing the dangerous tone in my brother's voice, but on turning around to face him, I realised that it wasn't me he was talking to. He was over by one of the tent flaps, his arm extended to block Jack from leaving. "She makes a big speech like that and you walk out on her? I don't think so."

  "So what are you saying?" Jack's posture was stiff and I began battling my way hurriedly over to join them, recognising that stance as one which usually meant bad things were about to happen.

  "I'm not saying anything except you're even more of a shit than I thought if you just leave without hearing what she has to say."

  "Thanks, Matt," I said, virtually throwing myself between them as I saw Jack open his mouth to reply, "I'll take it from here."

  "Fine." Matt touched me briefly on the shoulder, gave Jack a hard stare, and then walked off to join Tommo and the others.

  There was a little pause as we both watched Matt leave but I broke it by turning and asking, "Were you leaving?"

  He shoved a hand into his pocket and looked down at the grass. "No, not really, I just needed to get out…away from the people, not you."

  He didn't want to get away from me, surely a good sign. But then, he had been leaving without waiting for me so…what was he saying? His face was still giving nothing away and I felt like I was breaking in half waiting to know his response to my heartfelt speech.

  "Jack, I-"

  A group of people brushed past us, knocking me slightly off balance and disrupting my sentence. Jack sighed and grabbed my hand. "Come on, let's go and find somewhere to talk."

  I managed to restrain myself from gushing that, with Jack holding my hand, I was prepared to go absolutely anywhere, and followed him silently. He led me out of the tent, where night was beginning to properly fall, making the sky and all the objects in view a kind of deep violet colour, and into one of the secluded areas. We were hidden from view by sweet smelling shrubbery and lit gently by the little twinkling fairy lights woven through the branches.

  Once in the little clearing, Jack released my hand and I covered my disappointment by making a show of checking the ground for damp or stones before settling down on the soft grass, my legs curled beneath me. Jack joined me, sitting close but not close enough to touch, resting his arms on his drawn up knees.

  For a few moments we both let the soft music and the friendly chatter of guests nearby waft over us and then Jack said, fiddling with a blade of grass, "So, I got the feeling that that speech in there was somewhat directed at me."

  "Somewhat?" I reached over and grabbed the grass stem he was concentrating on and threw it to the side. "Did you doze off or something? It was all directed at you. Well, I mean, not the 'congratulations on 25 years together' part," I amended, "but the 'I've discovered the meaning of love and I want you Jack' stuff? Yeah that was all for you."

  Jack continued to stare off into the distance. I shifted uncomfortably, waiting for some response but didn't like it when it came. "What's changed Talia?" Not 'Tally' I noticed but 'Talia.' Still it least he didn't call me 'Natalia' then I really would have been in trouble. "When did it suddenly become…convenient?"

  "Oh, God." I wished he hadn't brought that up so quickly. I put my face in my hands and groaned. "I can't believe I said that to you. I felt awful saying it."

  "It didn't feel all that crash hot hearing it either," Jack said pointedly.

  I looked up at him, smarting slightly at his comment. "I am so, so sorry. I don't think I can say enough how sorry I am." I wondered if the number of apologies made in a fortnight affected the sincerity, I hoped not. "But I did have my reasons for being such a bitch," I assured him.

  "Yeah?" He didn't sound convinced.

  "Yeah, I had this great 'I'll push him away' plan which was supposed to ensure that you were happy. I thought that if we weren't together Matt wouldn't have any reason to hate you and you would be best mates again. On top of that, you were going to feel freed from any obligation you thought you had to me and you would go off to England with a spring in your step and your eyes firmly set on the future."

  Jack shook his head slightly in bemusement and I guess it did sound kind of stupid now I'd said it out loud.

  "And what were you supposed to be doing while I was skipping merrily off into the sunset?" He asked.

  "Me?" I frowned. "I guess I hadn't really thought about me."

  Hearing Jack's little chuckle I looked up hopefully but saw he was still not looking at me and that, from what I could see from his expression with his face in profile, his laugh had been relatively mirthless.

  "So it was all about me and Matt then?" Well might he sound disbelieving, I guess I'm not really known for my selfless acts.

  "Well," I licked my lips awkwardly, "maybe it was self-serving in a way. I mean you really blew away all my worries about physical affection, I can hug with the best of them now, but I guess I'm still working on the whole emotion thing. Perhaps in the back of my mind I was thinking that if I forced you away I could protect myself from getting in too deep."

  "And did you?" His tone was restrained.

  I shook my head miserably. "You know the answer to that. It was too late."

  Silence fell between us and, if it had been any other situation, I would’ve been amused by the fact that, because it was a warm evening, there were the sounds of crickets all around us. What a cliché!

  "What about kissing Adam? Was that another ploy to ensure my eternal happiness?" The sarcasm was evident in his voice but it was tinged with something else. Hurt, I think, with a smidgeon of anger mixed in for good measure.

  "No, that wasn't a ploy, that was drunken madness," I said with feeling. "I know it sounds weird and unbelievable but it was kind of an experiment. I felt so comfortable being with you, kissing you, that I wanted to see if that worked with other people too. I guess I was trying to see whether I was doomed to only feel set on fire with someone I'd decided I could never kiss ag
ain."

  "And?"

  "I found out I'm doomed because there was no fire, not even the smallest spark. All I did was embarrass myself and Adam and give myself yet another thing to apologise for. The way I told you was just…" I trailed off unable to really put any words to what had been my desire to get his attention and had ended up yet one more bit of pain I inflicted on Jack.

  Again there was a pause as he stared dead ahead, acting as if I wasn't even there, as if I hadn't been beside him spilling my heart out. Honestly why had he come out here with me if he wasn't going to give me a chance?

  I couldn't take it anymore, I couldn't take his distance or how little my words seemed to be affecting him. Getting onto my knees I shuffled round until I was in front of Jack and took his hands in mine.

  "Jack, I know it seems like I've done nothing but mess up but I felt like you were trying to tell me something when you said I should figure out what I wanted and go for it. Like I said back there I have figured out what I want and, for now, I'm going to completely ignore what Matt thinks and the awkward position it puts you in and tell you the absolute truth. I want you and this is me going for it. Now if you don't want me anymore then I guess I understand and you should go so I can hang myself with some of these fairy lights in peace, but if you still love me than please, please talk to me!"

  He sighed and for a moment there his face looked as haggard and tired as an old man's. "I don't know why I keep letting you do this to me, Talia. I think I have everything sorted out in my head and then you come along and it's all just…crap! I don't think I've had a full nights’ sleep since this started."

  "Me neither," I said quietly, removing my hands from his and sitting back on my heels. Sure I had wanted to know what he was thinking but hearing that I made his life crap wasn't exactly what I’d been after. I looked down, and bit my lip to stop myself letting out a wail of anguish.

  "Hey." Jack's voice was suddenly gentle and I tilted my face up to look at him. "Maybe we've stumbled across the meaning of love then: insomnia." He smiled the lopsided smile that I’d been missing so much and I felt my chest swell with hope. "Look," he continued, "I could be bitter about this. I could refuse to talk to you and go off to Cambridge with nothing decided like the wounded party has the right to do but I can't help but think that that would just be the proverbial shooting in the foot."

  "So what are you saying?" I asked cautiously, not wanting to make more of an idiot out of myself than I had already by reading more into his words than he'd intended.

  "Ah, what the hell?" He brushed one of my curls back from my face and tucked it behind my ear. "Sleep is overrated anyway. Let's do this."

  "You mean…?"

  "Tally," he finally let a full smile stretch across his face, "I've tried being with you and I've tried being apart from you; being with you is better. Much better."

  I gave a shriek of pure joy and flung myself at him, hearing him laugh warmly as my arms wrapped around him tightly. He obviously hadn't been anticipating the full power of my exuberance, however, as he was knocked off balance by me and we fell backwards together onto the grass.

  "Sorry," I giggled, lifting myself up slightly so I could look at him.

  "Don't be." He wrapped his arms around me, his hands warm against my back. "I think it's about time you stopped apologising, don't you?"

  Forgiveness tastes very sweet indeed! I was worried for a moment that I was going to burst into huge, happy sobs but I managed to swallow my ecstatic tears back down and whisper, "Kiss me Jack."

  And so he did.

  His lips felt even better than I remembered and my eyes flickered closed in contentment. I could feel his mouth lift up in a smile and mine did the same until we were virtually grinning at each other through our kiss. I didn't remember us ever having kissed with such a bubble of happiness surrounding us. Passion, sure, there had always been tonnes of that, but this seemed freer somehow, more joyous.

  As our lips parted and our hands gripped each more tightly, however, the smiles faded replaced by the urgency of desire built up during our lips long absence from one another. I moved my hands to his face, and tilted my head more to the side, trying to get closer still to him. That urge to consume, to meld into one, hit me again and my skin tingled with sparks as one of Jack's hands descended to brush the skin on my thigh where my hem lay. Our angle was somewhat awkward and I wriggled slightly trying to find that place where our bodies just…fit.

  Obviously feeling the same, Jack rolled us over in one quick movement so that I lay underneath him, one of his legs pressed between my own, his pelvic bone hard against mine. The fabric of my dress rucked up as I hooked my right leg around his hip and I gasped into Jack's mouth as his fingers dug into the skin this move revealed. My own hands burrowed underneath his suit jacket and set to work pulling the shirt free of his trousers until I could spread my palms across his muscled back unhindered.

  I didn't care that we were only hidden by a thin screen of bushes, I didn't care that I was making little gasping noises that anyone near us would surely have been able to hear, I just didn't care! All I wanted was Jack and my bliss at touching, and being touched by, him again drove all rational thought out of my mind. In a way it was terrifying, this feeling of total surrender, but I guess you know you truly love someone when you are willing to give them that power over you.

  "I think they went in there."

  As far gone as I was, I was still able to recognise my dad's voice and my eyes flicked open in alarm at how near he sounded. Jack's eyes were open too and decidedly panicked looking.

  "Jack?" My mum was clearly standing just on the other side of the bushes concealing us. "Are you having sex with my daughter in there?"

  Mortified giggles bubbled up inside me and I buried my head against Jack's shoulder to muffle them.

  "No, Mrs D," Jack replied, slight amusement and exasperation mixing with his apparent horror at being caught making out with me.

  "Good." Through her brisk tone I thought I could detect some humour in my mother's voice. "Then the pair of you should get out here, we're about to cut the cake."

  Cake? Jack and I must have been outside so long we'd missed dinner! Oh well, Jack was doubtless tastier than anything the caterers would have had to offer. There was the distinct sound of two pairs of footsteps walking off and Jack and I stared at each other for a moment, our expressions mirror images of shock and hilarity.

  "Damn," Jack whispered before we both burst out laughing. For a minute or so we just clung to each other and shook with mirth, our laughter exorcising the jolt that we'd both received at almost being caught in an extremely compromising position by my parents. Eventually our chuckles subsided and Jack rolled off me and got to his feet before helping me up. I smoothed my dress down as he tucked his shirt back in and straightened his jacket but I knew that, as much as we tried to make ourselves presentable, there would be no concealing what we'd been doing in the bushes. Even if people overlooked the wrinkles and creases in our clothes not to mention the grass stains, our plump, almost bruised lips and crumpled hair would leave them in no doubt as to what we'd been up to.

  Still, I've said it before and I'll say it again, I just didn't care!

  I reached up and pushed back some of Jack's hair, using my fingers to try and return the dark strands into some kind of hairstyle, but I was interrupted from my efforts as Jack wrapped one arm around my waist and gave me a short, fierce kiss. Pulling away he grinned. "I think the hair is a lost cause, let's go get some cake."

  Emerging out of the bushes, our arms wrapped around each other, we made our way back into the tent, blinking slightly at the bright light. Mum and Dad were standing in the middle of the marquee with their hands grasping the handle of a knife, hovering above a mammoth pavlova which Tommo's mum had made for the occasion.

  "There you are!" My mum shouted, completely shattering any hopes I'd entertained of us entering the room unobtrusively. "Come up here."

  The crowd parted to allow Jac
k and me to move to the centre to join my parents and Matt, who was standing by my father's elbow. I tried to catch his eye to see how he was reacting to Jack's and my very 'couply' appearance, but he was determinedly looking at the cake and I bit back a small sigh.

  "Now that the lovebirds have graced us with their presence," my mum was saying, making me cringe back against Jack, "we can get on with our ceremonial cake cutting. Or rather pavlova cutting as it may be. Before we do so, however, I just wanted to say that I love my husband, he is my best friend and the best root I ever had."

  "Mum!" Matt and I both moaned in horror at the same time as the crowd erupted into loud cheers and applause. I think the drink must have started flowing pretty freely while Jack and I were outside.

  "Thank you, darling." My dad kissed my mum with a loud smacking sound. "You're not so bad yourself."

  They made the first cut and then Tommo's mum took over, efficiently dividing the rest of the mammoth egg whites creation and distributing it to those who wanted some. The pavlova recipe was legendary in Bridunna and I had no hesitation accepting a big slab and pouring a stream of raspberry sauce over it. I had just taken a big crumbly bite when Matt appeared, not looking too happy.

  "Oi, Whitby, I want a word with you," he snapped irritably, clearly our dishevelled appearance and subsequent good imitation of Siamese twins had not done much for his temper. Jack nodded seriously and unwrapped his arm from around my shoulders.

  "I'll be back in a minute," he promised me, leaning down and kissing me on the cheek and I knew that was his way of telling me that, whatever Matt said, he wasn't going to back out of what we had going on.

  I nodded to show I understood and appreciated what he was saying but couldn't reply with my mouth full of Pavlova. I watched anxiously as the boys walked off, both their postures stiff with the 'man swagger' in full display. I hoped they would drop the macho act and just talk to each other, then again what were the odds of that? I was just wondering whether I should set some kind of time limit and go and find them if they didn't return within it when I felt someone touch my elbow gently. Turning I saw Simone had battled her way through the crowd and was beaming widely with one arm looped through Micky's.

  "Looks like things worked out!" She laughed, her eyes sparkling and I nodded excitedly.

  "Here, give me that," Micky said gesturing towards the plate of dessert I was holding. I stared at him in surprise and pulled it closer against me protectively.

  "Um, no this is mine. Get your own." I barely restrained my voice from being a snap, but there was still a definite edge to it.

  He made a big show of rolling his eyes. "I'm not trying to steal your food, I'm offering to hold it while you jump around and squeal. In my limited experience that is usually the move that comes next when chicks get all excited."

  "Oh." I felt foolish and kind of surprised at Micky's insight into the female psyche. I mean I'm sure there are plenty of girls out there who can deal with joy in a very repressed, mature way but I didn't know any. I hesitated a moment more before giving Micky the plate and wondered whether this counted as a peace offering. Probably not, I decided, as he sneered at me and snatched my food away.

  Still, I couldn't be doing with his filthy attitude right now. Nothing was going to take away the glow of contentment I was feeling; not Matt's bad attitude and certainly not bloody Micky. I grabbed Simone's arms and we bounced up and down and shrieked unabashedly, ignoring the old timers who jumped and looked at us reprovingly.

  Giggling, Simone and I released each other and, if it hadn't been for Micky's sullen presence beside us, it would have been exactly like old times. Micky passed my food back and I scarfed it down while Simone told me about what I had missed while I'd been outside with Jack. Once I'd finished and thrown away the empty plate she grabbed me with one hand and Micky with the other and dragged us both into the clear space designated for dancing. The DJ was playing a mix of cheesy 80's songs and it wasn't long before pretty much everyone was up dancing. I amused myself for a time watching Micky trying not to dance because he was too cool for it whilst secretly desperately wanting to, but I always kept one eye on the place where Jack and Matt had exited the tent.

  I was beginning to get sweaty and tired from flinging myself about so much when I finally saw them both returning. I pointed at them to show Simone where I was going and she squeezed my hand quickly to wish me good luck. The two boys were still talking intently as I approached, but as soon as he caught sight of me, Matt closed his mouth and folded his arms.

  Arriving beside them I glanced first at Jack to see if I could gauge how the conversation had gone from his expression and then, when I was still in the dark, at my brother. Matt was red in the face and there was a hard set to his jaw.

  "So…?" I asked tentatively after several moments of silence.

  Matt looked stonily at Jack while he in turn looked levelly back, not as challengingly as Matt but just as strongly. With a disgusted shrug Matt snapped, "You're the best and worst people I would ever pick for the pair of you, you know? Just don't…Jack you know the drill."

  And then he stalked off.

  "So…how did it go?" I asked in confusion, not sure whether the news was good or bad.

  "Well, he didn't punch me again," Jack smiled slightly, "so there's some improvement." Seeing my crestfallen face he gave one of my curls an affectionate little tug and his smile widened. "Hey, he's still pissed off at the way we lied to him but he's getting over it. We have a kind of understanding."

  "This is one of those things I just have to let be because it will fall into place naturally, isn't it?" The tone of my voice demonstrated how little I liked those things as I was a born meddler.

  "Yep," Jack agreed.

  I pondered the strange workings of the male mind (and they say women are confusing!) for a moment and then Jack slung an arm across my shoulders once more, drawing me out of my musings.

  "Come on, forget about all the bullshit, we're here to celebrate. Let's dance."