Palomino (1981)

by Steel, Danielle

  But as she stood on line, waiting for bacon and eggs and her third cup of coffee, she heard two of the men talking and turned to Josh with an expression of horror and a blank stare.

  What did they just say?

  They were talking about Tate.

  I know. What did they say? Her face looked ghostly pale. She couldn't have heard right.

  They said it's too bad.

  What's too bad? She was trying desperately not to scream.

  That he left yesterday. Josh smiled pleasantly and moved forward in the line.

  For where? Her heart began to pound in her ears so loudly, she could barely hear his answers, but he only shrugged before answering this time.

  No one seems to know. His boy over at the Bar Three ought to know though.

  What the hell do you mean? She was almost shouting.

  Christ, Sam, take it easy. Tate Jordan. He quit.

  When? She thought for a moment that she might faint.

  Yesterday. That was why he stuck around to talk to Bill King. To tell you the truth, yesterday morning he told me he was going to when he asked me to ride for him. He told me he'd been wanting to do it for a long time. He said it was time to move on. Josh shrugged. Damn shame. He would have been good in Bill King's shoes.

  So he just left? No two-week notice, no breaking in someone new to do his job for him? That's it? There were already tears stinging her eyes.

  Yeah, Sam, this ain't Wall Street. When a man wants to move on, he does. He bought himself a truck yesterday morning, put all his stuff in it, and took off.

  For good? She could barely choke out the words.

  Sure. Ain't no sense coming back. Never the same if you do. I did it once. It was a mistake. If he was unhappy here, then he done the right thing. Oh? Did he? How lovely to hear it. And then Josh looked at her more closely. You okay, Sam?

  Yeah. Sure. But she was terrifying-looking, she was so gray. I haven't been sleeping too well lately. She had to fight back the tears ' had to ' had to ' besides, there was no reason to panic. Bill King would know where he was, and if he didn't, the boy would. She'd go and see him herself. But she wasn't going to let this man slip through her fingers. Never. And after she found him, he'd never do something like this to her again.

  You know Josh was still staring at her you looked lousy yesterday too. Think maybe you're getting the flu?

  Yeah. She tried to look unaffected by what he had just told her about Tate Jordan. Maybe.

  Then why the hell don't you go back to the big house and climb back into bed?

  She started to resist him and then knew that there was no way she could ride for the next twelve hours, driving herself mad, wondering where Tate had gone. So she nodded vaguely, thanked Josh for the suggestion, and left the main hall. She hurried back to the big house, let herself in through the front door, and then just stood there, as uncontrollable sobs racked her and she dropped to her knees beside a couch and bowed her head in despair. She felt as though she wouldn't survive this second loss in her life, not now, not Tate. As she agonized over what had happened, sobbing uncontrollably into the couch, she suddenly realized that Caroline was next to her, gently touching her shoulder and then smoothing the tangled blond hair. Samantha looked up after a few moments, her face red and swollen, her eyes wild, and looked into her friend's eyes to learn what she could there, but Caroline only nodded and cooed gently and took her into her arms and slowly brought her to sit on the couch.

  It was fully half an hour before she could speak. Caroline said nothing. She only sat there and rubbed her back gently and waited. There was nothing one could say. It cut her to the core to realize that Sam had come to her to recover from one major loss and had now sustained another. She knew in her gut about Sam and Tate. She had agonized over it the day before when Bill had told her that Tate Jordan had left. But it was too late to stop him, or to discuss it. He had already left when Bill told Caroline in the late afternoon, and all she could think of was how Samantha would take the news. But Caroline hadn't dared to tell her the night before. She had hoped it would wait.

  Samantha looked at her then, her face blotched, her eyes hideously bloodshot and swollen, and there was no dissimulation in the look she gave her friend. He's gone. Oh, God, Caro, he's gone. And I love him.' She couldn't go on then, and Caroline nodded slowly. She understood only too well. She had tried to tell her that here things were different, that there were things that would matter to him that didn't seem important to her.

  What happened, Sam?

  Oh, God, I don't know. We fell in love at Christmas.' She looked around nervously suddenly, wondering if any of the Mexican women were cleaning, but there was no one in sight. We went to She looked at Caroline in embarrassment. We found your cabin and we met there at first, but not often. We weren't snooping

  It's all right, Sam. Caroline's voice was very quiet.

  We just wanted someplace to go and be alone.

  So did we. Caroline said it almost sadly.

  And then he switched cabins with someone else and I used to go to him every night' through the orchard.' Her speech was disjointed and her face awash with tears. And then the other night, he ' we were watching television and John came on doing a special broadcast, and we were just kidding around at first, and he wanted to know ' if I thought John was handsome or something ' and I happened to mention that we'd been married ' and Tate went nuts. I don't understand it. She gulped horribly and went on. He just went crazy, telling me that I couldn't be married to a movie star one minute and a cowboy the next, that I'd never be happy, that I deserved better, that She couldn't go on then, she was overwhelmed by tears. Oh, God, and now he's left. What will I do? How will I find him? Panic ran through her again as it had all morning. Do you know where he's gone? Caroline shook her head sadly. Does Bill?

  I don't know. I'll call him up right now at his office and ask him. She walked away from Sam then and stepped to the phone on her desk. Sam listened in agony to the entire conversation, and it was clear at the end of it that Bill knew nothing at all, and he was sorry that Tate had gone too. He had been counting on him to take over for him cone day when he was too old to run the ranch. But now that would never happen. He knew that Tate was gone for good.

  What did he say? Samantha looked at her dismally as she came back and sat down.

  Not much. He said that Tate said he'd be in touch one of these days, but Bill says he wouldn't count on it. He knows the way these men are. He left no forwarding address.

  Then I'll have to find his son at the Bar Three. She said it almost with desperation, but Caroline shook her head.

  No, Sam. The boy quit and went with him. That much Bill knew. They packed the truck up together and then left.

  Oh, my God. Samantha dropped her head into her hands and began to sob again, softly this time, as though her heart were already shattered and there were nothing left.

  What can I do for you, Sam? There were tears now in Caroline's eyes too. She realized how easily it could have happened to her years earlier, and the conversation Sam had related sounded exactly like an argument that she and Bill had had for years. Eventually they had resolved it differently, but Bill was a good deal less stubborn than Tate. He was also just a shade less noble, a fact for which Caroline was deeply grateful as she sat helplessly and watched the agony of her young friend.

  Sam looked at her now, in answer to her question, Help me find him. Please, oh, if you could do that'

  How?

  Sam sat back against the couch and sniffed as she thought. He'll go to a ranch somewhere. He Won't want any other kind of work. How would I get a list of ranches?

  I can tell you all the ones I know in this area, the men can tell you others. No, let me ask them, we'll cook up some excuse, some reason. Sam Caroline's eyes lit up you'll find him.

  I hope so. She smiled for the first time in hours. I won't stop until I do.

  By mid-April Sam had contacted sixty-three ranches. At first she had called the ones in the
area, looking for Tate, then those farther north, some farther south, then she had begun to call other states. Arizona, New Mexico, Nevada, Texas, Arkansas, she had even called one in Nebraska that one of the men had suggested. He had talked to Tate about the place and said the food and the pay were real good. But no one had seen Tate Jordan. Sam left her name and address and Caroline's number and asked them to call her if Tate should appear. She used Caroline Lord's name everywhere and it helped her, and the two pored hourly over directories, want ads, listings, advertisements, and the names they got from the men. She had long since asked her office for an extension and had promised them some kind of definitive answer by May 1. If she wasn't coming back to New York, they wanted to know by then. Until then the job would be hers. But she didn't give a damn about her job, all she wanted was Tate Jordan, and he was nowhere to be found. It was as though a month before he had dropped off the face of the earth never to be seen again. He had to be somewhere, Sam knew, but the question was where? It was becoming an obsession with her. She no longer rode with the men, no matter that that began rumors or confirmed their suspicions. From the day that he left she rode with them no more.

  She went to the cabin once alone, but couldn't bear it, and had ridden home on Black Beauty, her face covered with tears. Now she seldom even rode the big black Thoroughbred, even when Caroline encouraged her to do so. All she wanted to do was stay at the house, make phone calls, go over lists, look at maps, write letters, and try to figure out where he was. So far it had all been fruitless, and secretly Caroline was beginning to think that it might stay that way. The truth was that it was a big country, and there were countless ranches. There was always the possibility that he had gone to a different line of work entirely, or that he wasn't using his real name. She was much too familiar with the scores of drifters who had worked on the ranch in the years she had owned it to be able to hold out great hope to Sam. It was entirely possible that he would turn up somewhere, someday, but it was equally possible that he would never be seen or heard from again. It was even possible that he had left the country, gone to Canada or Mexico, or even one of the big ranches in Argentina. Often the ranch owners let men like Tate work without papers, or with falsified ones, just so they could have them on their ranches. As ranch foremen went, Tate had a long list of good credentials, he was a reliable, hardworking man, and he had a great deal of expertise to offer any ranch. Any ranch owner with half a brain would recognize that, the question was which ranch owner and which ranch.

  By the end of April there was still nothing, and Sam had three days to call her office and tell them where things stood. She had told them a month before that Caroline was ill and it was suddenly difficult for her to leave when she had said she would. They had been understanding at first, but now Charlie was calling. The fun was over. Harvey wanted her back. They were suddenly having big trouble with her automobile client, and if she was coming back at all, then Harvey wanted it to be right now. She couldn't really blame him, but she couldn't tell them either that she was in worse shape now than she had been when she left New York. More than ever, now that he was gone, she knew how much she loved Tate, how much she respected him and his way of life. It was particularly painful to her now when she saw Bill and Caro, and it was agonizing for Caroline to share in Samantha's loss.

  Sam. As she looked at her young friend over coffee on the last day of April, she sighed deeply and decided to tell her what she thought. I think you should go back.

  Where? She was glancing again at one of her lists of ranches and wondered if Caroline had thought of one they should try again. But Caroline was quick to shake her head.

  I meant New York.

  Now? Sam looked shocked. But I haven't found him.

  Caroline gritted her teeth for what she wanted to say next, much as she hated to hurt Sam. You don't know that you ever will.

  That's a rotten thing to say. Sam looked at her angrily and pushed away her coffee. She had been testy and nervous since the whole nightmare had begun. She never slept, she never ate, she never got fresh air anymore. She only did one thing. She looked for Tate. She had even driven to some of the ranches, and flown briefly to one.

  But it's true, Sam. You have to face the truth now. You may never find him again. I hope like hell that you do, but you can't spend the rest of your life looking for a man who wants to be left alone. Because if you find him, you don't know that you'll be able to convince him that what you think is right and that he's wrong. He thinks that the two of you are too different. It could just be that he's right. And even if he isn't, if this is what he wants, you can't force him to change his mind.

  What brought this on? Have you been talking about it to Bill?

  No more than I have to. Sam knew that he disapproved of her relentless search for Tate. He called it a fool manhunt and thought Sam was wrong to push. The man said what he wanted to tell her when he left here, Caro. There's nothing more to say. But then once he had admitted that if he had done the same thing he hoped that she would have tried as hard to find him. I just think you ought to face the possibilities, Sam. It's been a month and a half.

  So maybe it'll just take a little longer.

  And a little longer ' and a little longer ' and a little longer than that. And then what? You spend twenty years looking for a man you barely knew.

  Don't say that. Sam looked exhausted as she closed her eyes. She had never worked as hard on any job as she had on the search for Tate. I knew him. I know him. Maybe in some ways I knew him too damn well, and that scared him off.

  It could have, Caroline agreed. But the point is that you can't go on living like this. It'll destroy you.

  Why should it? The bitterness in her voice was easy to read. Nothing else has. John and Liz had had their baby the month before, a little girl, and they had even shown her and victorious Liz in the delivery room on the evening news. But Sam didn't care about that anymore either. All she wanted was to find Tate.

  You have to go back, Sam. Caroline sounded as stubborn as Sam herself.

  Why? Because I don't belong here? She looked at Caroline angrily, but this time Caroline nodded at what she said.

  That's right. You don't. You belong back in your own world, at your desk, in your office, in your own apartment, with your own things, meeting new people and seeing old friends, being who you really are and not who you pretended to be for a while. Sam she reached out and touched her hand I'm not tired of having you here. If it were up to me, you could stay forever. But it's not good for you, don't you see that?

  I don't care. I just want to find him.

  But he doesn't want you to find him. If he did, he would let you know where he is. He must be taking care that you don't find him, Sam, and if that's true, then you've lost the battle. He could hide from you for years.

  So you think I should quit. Is that it?

  There was a long silence between them, and then Caroline nodded almost imperceptibly. Yes.

  But it's only been six weeks. Tears flooded her eyes as she tried to combat the logic of what Caroline had said. Maybe if I wait another month

  If you do, you won't have a job, and that won't do you any good either. Sam, you need to go back to a normal life.

  What's normal anymore? She had almost forgotten. It had been a year since she had been happily married to John Taylor, since she had led a perfectly ordinary life as an advertising executive in Manhattan, married to a man she loved and whom she thought loved her.

  Normal? She looked at Caroline in horror. You must be kidding. I wouldn't know normal anymore if it introduced itself and bit me on the ass! Caroline laughed at her bleak humor but the look in her eyes didn't waver, and at last Sam sat back in her chair with a long pensive sigh. But what the hell am I going to do in New York?

  Forget all this for a while. It'll do you good. You can always come back.

  I'd just be running away again if I left here.

  No, you'd be doing something healthy. This isn't a life for you here, not like this
. It hadn't been since he left.

  Sam nodded silently, left the table, and walked slowly back to her room. She placed the call to Harvey Maxwell two hours later and then she went out to the barn and saddled Black Beauty. She rode him for the first time in three weeks that afternoon, riding him headlong, into the wind, at full gallop, taking every chance, every jump, every hedge, every stream. Had Caroline seen her, she would have feared for the horse's life, as well as that of her young friend. Had Tate seen her, he would have killed her.

  But she was alone now, riding as fast and as hard as she could until she knew that the horse could go no more. She cantered him back to the main compound then and walked him slowly around the corral for half an hour. She knew that she owed that much to the animal, no matter how unhappy she was. And then, when she felt that she had sufficiently walked him and he was cooler, she led him back to his stall and took off the English saddle, stood looking at him for a long time, and then patted his flanks one last time with a whispered, Good-bye, old friend.

  The plane landed at Kennedy Airport on a glowing spring evening, and Samantha looked down at the city with a blank stare. All she could think of as she unfastened her seat belt was the last she had seen of Caroline at the airport, standing tall and proud next to the old foreman, with tears running down her cheeks as she waved good-bye. Bill had said almost nothing to her as she stood on tiptoe to kiss his cheek in the crowded terminal, and then suddenly he had squeezed her arm and growled fondly, Go on back to New York, Sam, and take care now. It was his way of saying that he thought she was doing the right thing. But was she? She wondered as she picked up her tote bag and moved into the aisle. Had she been right to come home so soon? Should she have stayed longer? Would Tate have turned up if she'd just waited another month or two? Of course he still might appear, or call from somewhere. Caroline had promised to continue to ask around, and of course if anyone heard from him, she had promised to call Sam. Other than that there was nothing anyone could do. Sam knew that much herself as she sighed deeply and stepped into the airport.