True North

by Susan Diane Johnson

  Fists clenched, Joe started toward the door but stopped as Mike closed it behind him. He struggled for self-control. Fighting with Mike wasn’t worth losing his job. Still, what did Mike know about it? Joe loved Lisa more than anything. That’s why he stayed away from her.

  With a resigned sigh, he went back to his desk and pushed the button on the machine. Settling into his chair, he leaned back and listened.

  “Hi, Joe. It’s me.” The soft gentle tones were Lisa’s usual manner. Letting his eyes drift shut, he could picture her standing there, blue eyes sparkling with joy and excitement as they used to, her touch light on his arm.

  “We haven’t talked in a while.” Her birthday. Two months almost to the day. He knew exactly how long it had been, just like he remembered every detail of his last-ditch effort to try and repair things.

  “I know you’re avoiding me, Joe. Please come home.” If possible, her voice had softened even more. Lady-like, never demanding or whiny.

  With a groan, he buried his face in his hands wishing he could go home, knowing he couldn’t go there, couldn’t face Lisa day after day, where he would be met with the hurt in her eyes—hurt he’d caused.

  He’d hoped the specially planned birthday weekend would erase the deep sadness from her eyes. But it hadn’t. If anything, it made things worse. For whatever reason, he didn’t know. But he’d stayed away after that.

  It was better this way, better for both of them.

  “You have to be tired of sleeping in your office.”

  Though he’d never admit it to her or anyone else, he was. He had a persistent ache in his back and a crick in his neck from tossing and turning and trying to get comfortable on the small couch.

  “Joe, I want you to take the trip.”

  The trip. Something deep in his gut froze, and his heart began to pound. This wasn’t the first time Lisa mentioned the trip. But this time he actually considered it.

  “It would be good for you. Get away. Relax your mind and your soul. Maybe…” Joe could hear the hesitation in her voice and pictured her standing at the kitchen counter, phone pressed to her ear, staring out at the trees in the backyard. She would be watching for birds. She loved birds.

  “Maybe it will help you deal with…you know…him.” Her voice trailed off as if she couldn’t bring herself to say his name. Just as Joe couldn’t bear hearing it.

  Cody. His son. Their son. Losing him altered his life in ways he’d never imagined possible. He couldn’t imagine anything worse. Not even the breakdown of his marriage.

  Something hot and unwelcome burned at the back of his eyes. He squeezed them tight and shook his head. Lisa actually believed going on a trip to Alaska, the trip originally intended as a family vacation for Cody’s tenth birthday, would be good for him. Try as he might, he just didn’t see how.

  But right now he didn’t have much choice. What else could he do? Unless he pulled himself together and found closure, he’d be out of a job. His law firm considered him a fast growing liability.

  And once he cleared his desk and reassigned his cases, he’d have nowhere to stay. He’d been sleeping on the couch in the little den in his office. He could either go home to Lisa—not an option—or he could stay in a hotel for a couple of weeks then go back to work and say he’d found the oh-so-magical cure—closure.

  The old Joe would never have considered lying. But this Joe would if lying were the only way he could return to work.

  “I’m not saying you should forget Cody, or even that you shouldn’t be sad. I’m sad, too.” Joe heard the catch in Lisa’s voice and pictured her face. The look he imagined broke his heart all over again.

  “I’ll probably be sad forever. So will you. But Joe, we should be doing this together.”

  No, he couldn’t do it together. He didn’t deserve to do anything with Lisa ever again. Heal, laugh, love. None of it.

  Pain simultaneously tightened his throat and chest. He wished she would just forget about him. But she wouldn’t. She was persistent, trying to wear him down. He was on the verge of giving in, and it scared him.

  “Think about it, Joe.”

  Thinking hurt too much.

  Being away from work, out there on a cruise ship, would give him too much opportunity to think. He didn’t want to think. That’s why he hid at work. He could forget about his personal life, lose himself in his cases. At least that’s what he thought he’d been doing until Mike just set the record straight.

  Joe found himself quickly coming to a decision he’d never imagined he’d make. This time instead of ignoring her message, he would answer it. But only because of this new situation Mike had forced on him.

  If it would help Lisa in any way, he would do it. He would hide out on the cruise ship for a couple of weeks then go back to work and tell Mike the time away did him a lot of good. He’d do an exceptional job of convincing him. He had to. If he lost his job, he couldn’t support Lisa. Losing her financial means was one more loss he wasn’t willing to put her through.

  He sighed in resignation then folded his arms on the desk and rested his head against them. He tried to take comfort in listening to Lisa on the answering machine.

  “Joe?” Her voice softened even more, and Joe braced himself for what always came next.

  “I love you.” And then her final whispered plea. “Please, come home.”

  That was his cue to reach over and mute the answering machine before the mechanical voice could declare, “End of messages.” He would rather Lisa’s final words hang in the air, despite their effect on him.

  Right now, he was especially vulnerable because she had the tickets in her possession and he’d have to call and ask for them. Somehow, he’d have to convince her to stay home. He certainly couldn’t handle being cooped up with her for two weeks.

  His hand trembled as he reached for the phone. Joe preferred to run away, hide—anything but talk to her. Conversing with her forced him to face the reality of the situation.

  Their son, Cody, was gone. Forever. Never to be in their lives again.

  Joe couldn’t deal with the guilt.

  ****

  The phone rang as Lisa started to pour a cup of hot water for her friend, Rose Gentry. After a quick glance at the caller ID, her hand trembled and she set the teakettle back on the stove.

  “Lisa, it’s me, Joe.”

  “I know.” Not daring to hope what it might mean, she couldn’t seem to raise her voice above whisper. It had been far too long since she’d heard his voice.

  Hot tears burned the back of her eyes. Grateful to hear him now, she couldn’t help but wish they could talk face-to-face. She’d take what she could get, though. Then a little whisper of fear brushed her heart. “Are you—is everything OK?”

  “Yes.” He hesitated just a bit. Then he cleared his throat. “Look, Lisa, I need to ask—do you still have the tickets for the cruise?”

  Dare she even hope?

  He spoke the words so fast she couldn’t be entirely sure she heard correctly. Had Joe finally come around and realized what he’d been doing to himself? To her? To their marriage?

  “Please, Lord,” she whispered.

  “What?”

  He’d heard her. Now he’d know how desperate she was to have him back. No, not just to have him back. To have him snap out of this dark cloud of despair and start living again. Not that she had really started living again either. She missed her son as much as Joe did, and certainly considered herself equally—no more—guilty over his death.

  “Nothing,” she said quickly. “Yes, of course, I have the tickets.”

  “Good. I need them. You weren’t planning on using them, were you?”

  The truth hit her like a punch to the gut. He didn’t want her to go with him.

  “No.” Somehow, she managed to speak through the painful constriction of her throat. Her heart broke all over again. Could he be taking someone else? No. She knew Joe well enough. He might be hiding himself away from their marriage, but he would n
ever cheat on her.

  Slowly she sank onto the couch, cast Rose a woeful glance, and then shook her head. Rose gave Lisa a sympathetic look in return, with the emphasis on pathetic, which described Lisa to a T.

  When would she quit hoping for Joe to come home?

  Never.

  To quit hoping would be to give up on Joe, and she’d never stop praying for him to cope with their loss. In the same way, she’d never stop praying for a chance to live that awful day over so she could do things differently. As long as she had breath, she would pray for those things.

  Rose went over to the cupboard and rifled through an assortment of tea bags. She held up a black cherry one and waved it in Lisa’s direction. Lisa nodded, and Rose filled the cup with steaming water.

  “Lisa, I’m planning to take the cruise. But I really need to be alone. If you’re sure you’re not planning to go, I’ll be by to get my ticket.”

  “Sure, Joe, of course. When do you want to come over? I’ll make sure I’m here.”

  “That’s just it, Lisa. I don’t think we should see each other. Just leave the ticket on the porch under the planter, and I’ll pick it up.”

  He didn’t want to see her.

  She thought back to that last weekend they’d spent together, her birthday, and swallowed hard. That weekend, she thought everything would be all right between them, but it wasn’t. And his not wanting to see her was her reminder that it hadn’t meant anything to him. She blinked back tears, not liking what his quick dismissal did to her heart.

  “I’ll put them in an envelope.”

  “Thanks.” He was quiet, but she thought she heard a catch in his breath, as if he wanted to say something but changed his mind. Then she heard the soft click of the phone and knew he’d hung up.

  “Bye, Joe,” Lisa whispered anyway. She could have kicked herself for the watery sound in her voice. Having Rose as a witness made it even worse. Thank goodness, Joe hadn’t heard it.

  As they sipped their tea, Lisa relayed the conversation. Rose sat forward with interest and had just one thing to say. “Honey, you’re going on that cruise.”

  2

  Two Weeks Later

  Saturday afternoon, Lisa and Rose stood on the sidewalk not far from the Seattle pier where the cruise ship Northern Lights rose out of the water and dwarfed everything in sight.

  Nothing good ever came of lying.

  Lisa looked up at the giant ship and gulped. It stood at least ten times the size of a Washington State ferry—until now, the largest boat she’d ever been on. Tiny lifeboats were placed at intervals across the side of the ship facing her. No doubt, the other side looked the same. Were there enough for the mass of people on the ship? Would they need them? An image from Titanic flashed through her mind, and her knees buckled.

  “Easy,” Rose said. “Are you all right?”

  “I’m—I don’t think I can do this.” Her voice rose in pitch. She hated the way it sounded. Unsure. Insecure. Both were things she’d fought so hard to overcome.

  This was crazy. She let her nerves take hold of her imagination and invent fear where there’d never been fear before. She raised one shoulder in a half-hearted gesture.

  “Oh, no you don’t.” Rose pushed a button on her tiny remote, and the back door of her dark blue SUV slowly lifted. “You’ve come this far. You can’t back out now. I won’t let you.” She gestured to the small suitcase and matching travel bag sitting neatly side-by-side.

  “But it’s all a big lie.” They’d had this argument before, and no matter how Rose tried to justify it to Lisa, she still believed it was a mistruth. “And I’ve never lied to Joe before.”

  Unless she considered the biggest lie of all—not revealing her responsibility in the accident that took their son. He didn’t know Lisa had charged through the intersection the instant her light turned green. Somehow, she’d never had the nerve to tell him. Nor had she told him about her friendship with Rose, whose husband had been driving the other car.

  Rose sighed and rolled her dark brown eyes. “Is it really a lie? You told Joe you weren’t planning to use the tickets.” She shrugged. “So you changed your mind. No big deal.”

  Except it was a big deal. Lisa knew Joe wouldn’t go on the cruise if he thought for a second she’d be there. Not telling him was a deception, and deception equaled lying. She said as much, but Rose still argued.

  “Just remember he’s your husband. You’re doing this for him. It’s for a noble purpose. Now come on, hon. You have a marriage to save.”

  For Rose to put so much effort into helping her with her marriage, when Rose herself no longer had one, touched Lisa so deeply tears misted her eyes.

  “Thank you,” Lisa whispered. She offered her friend a weak smile, not wanting to admit her nerves loomed as large as the ship. Then she slowly pulled the bags out of the SUV and set them on the curb. As she did, a thousand new doubts cluttered her mind. She stared at the festive-looking giant of a cruise ship, and every one of those doubts plunged toward her stomach.

  No. She couldn’t back out now. This was for Joe. He needed her, whether he knew it or not. She would go, albeit on shaky legs, for her husband. She had to help him find a way to deal with his grief over Cody without it further paralyzing his life. For him, she’d conquer every nerve in her body if it would help retrieve him from that very dark place where he’d retreated.

  “I have to go,” she whispered. “I have to.”

  “Yes, you do.” Compassion darkened Rose’s eyes and she leaned over to pull Lisa into a warm hug.

  “It’ll be OK, hon,” Rose whispered when she finally let Lisa go. “It’s all going to work out. You’ll see.”

  Around them, people scrambled every which way. They looked happy and hopeful in spite of the overcast skies. Lisa envied them. Walking out of the house this morning, she’d also been hopeful. Now, her heart slammed in her chest, and her insides launched into a free-fall. The damp air brushed against her face, and she reached up to smooth her hair.

  “I wish I could believe it, Rose. I’m so afraid lying will only make things worse.”

  “No.” Rose shook her head. “I already told you. You aren’t lying.”

  Lisa opened her mouth to protest, but Rose interrupted. “You changed your mind, nothing more. Didn’t we just settle this?”

  With your encouragement, Lisa wanted to say. But she didn’t. Instead, she sighed. “We did. It’s just nerves talking.”

  “OK.” Rose smiled and nodded in understanding. “But nerves or not, you’re going. And that’s final, because I’m not giving you a ride home. God wants you two back together.”

  “You’d better watch out. You’re starting to sound like you believe.” Though Lisa teased, deep down she hoped and prayed her friend would believe again.

  Rose waved her hand as if swatting a pesky fly. “Not. Don’t go getting your hopes up on my account.”

  While she might sound flippant, Lisa knew Rose used the tone to cover her true feelings. A soul-deep weariness haunted Rose’s dark eyes. The last several months had been hard on both of them in such a similar way. No matter what happened in the future, the Lord stood firmly on Lisa’s side. If Rose felt God’s gentle tug, she didn’t recognize it—at least not yet.

  “It won’t ever happen,” Rose said. “Not unless God finds a way for Rob and RJ to walk back through the door.”

  Lisa’s heart broke for the raw grief on her friend’s face. Somehow, through the devastation, Lisa managed to hold on to her faith. Though it shamed her to admit, there were times when it was weaker than other moments, and the occasional doubt would creep in. Whenever her faith seemed to be on shaky ground, Lisa always managed to refocus on the Lord. Even if she didn’t always feel His presence—a fact that troubled her greatly—she still knew He was there with her.

  Even now, months later, Lisa woke up late at night, remembering. It always began with the ache in her arm. An ache no pain medication would touch. Then her heart would begin to pound so hard sh
e feared it would burst through her chest. It would echo in her ears, along with the horrible squealing, crunching sounds of twisting metal and breaking glass—and, most haunting and horrific of all, Cody’s silence.

  Then there were the times the “Cartoon Song” rang repeatedly through her mind. Not the way it was intended for the radio, but Cody’s version of the song. Oh, how she longed to see the grin on his face and hear his sweet, happy voice sing it one more time.

  Legally, the accident wasn’t Lisa’s fault. Morally, and most definitely in her heart, Lisa was the one responsible. If she hadn’t been in such an all-fired hurry to get Cody to his baseball game that day, if she hadn’t been so angry at Joe for getting caught up in his work, as usual, and not getting home in time to go to the game with them, perhaps she would have been more cautious.

  But even when ugly, noxious guilt ate away at Lisa, she forced herself to pray and keep her eyes focused on the Lord.

  Sadly, Rose seemed unable to do the same. Lisa could only hope and pray her friend would someday open her eyes and realize their very friendship reflected a perfect example of God’s presence in their lives. Of His love.

  If anyone had told Lisa a few short months ago she would become a close friend of the woman whose husband caused the accident that killed her son, Lisa would have lashed out in anger. But the Lord had soothed her heart until the bitterness toward Rose melted away. Yes, the pain was still there. It would always be there. She hoped, though, that someday it would soften to a bruise.

  At first, Lisa balked at what she knew were nudges from God, pushing her in Rose’s direction. She wanted to nurse the hurt and bitterness. But through the Lord’s gentle hand, she could see Rose was in pain as well. Not just with loss, for Rose had lost her son, too, along with her husband. No, Rose also ached with the pain of blame. She’d been arguing with her husband and believed he ran the red light because of the distraction. Her husband and son were dead, and Rose blamed herself.