True North

by Susan Diane Johnson

  A loud noise from the direction of Joe’s stomach interrupted her, and he immediately apologized. But a smile quirked the corners of his mouth, and Lisa couldn’t help but smile back.

  “I guess I slept most of the morning away. Are you ready for some lunch? Do you want to finish talking while we eat?”

  It wasn’t exactly a mealtime conversation, but Lisa nodded. She would save the confession for later, and in the meantime she’d choke down everything on the menu if it meant spending one more afternoon with Joe.

  ****

  As they sat in the Kodiak Grill eating lunch, Lisa wondered if Joe was disappointed that he wasn’t eating salmon. She watched him dip his fish into tartar sauce. He loved salmon, and oddly enough, they didn’t have any on the menu at the Kodiak Grill.

  “Are you sorry we didn’t go into Ketchikan?” she asked with uncertainty.

  “No, not at all. Why?”

  “Oh, I was just thinking we should have gone to that salmon bake with Brandon. You probably would have enjoyed it better than this.”

  “I’d rather be right where I am.”

  She dropped the fry she’d been about to eat. It plopped into the ketchup. That was the last thing she expected to hear. She looked up to see if he was serious.

  His gaze met hers, brown eyes steady, mouth slightly curved. She could scarcely believe it. Lisa’s heart started to pound. He wanted to be here, with her. She’d done the right thing by coming on the cruise after all. Joe was out of the cabin, not holed up alone—brooding. Being here was a good thing. Maybe she didn’t need to confess her motives after all.

  A prick of her subconscious needled her. Yes, she did need to tell him.

  “Are you sorry we didn’t go into Ketchikan?” he asked. “If you’d like, we can go into Juneau tomorrow.”

  Joe, being nice to her, offering to spend time with her. A prick of guilt struck at the hope blossoming in her heart. She had to tell him. “I’m not sorry we’re here, Joe. And I’d also love to go to Juneau tomorrow.”

  “But there is something bothering you, isn’t there? I know you, Lisa, remember?”

  She swallowed hard and nodded. “There’s something I wanted to talk to you about.”

  “That’s right, before my stomach interrupted.”

  Nerves prevented her from smiling at his attempt at humor. Her mouth felt frozen and only with God’s help would she be able to get the words out.

  He stood. “Would you like some more tea before we talk?”

  Mutely, she nodded then watched as Joe walked away to get the tea. If things didn’t go right, she’d be watching him walk away again—this time forever.

  ****

  Great. Joe tensed as he placed the tea on the table in front of Lisa, certain she was about to ask him to come home. He so did not want to have this conversation. Listening to it on his answering machine everyday was one thing, sitting face-to-face with her was something else altogether.

  They were both in such a mess, and he had no idea how to fix it. As much as being on this cruise had made him remember how much he wanted to be with her, he just wasn’t ready. He needed to be sure he wouldn’t hurt her again before he recommitted to their marriage.

  Lisa sipped the tea and gave him a nervous smile.

  How could he tell her he wasn’t coming home? He’d be breaking her heart even further, and he would never forgive himself.

  “It was the dawn, Joe.” Lisa sounded nervous, her words rushed.

  He looked at her, confused. Did she mean the dawn he’d shown her early this morning? This wasn’t at all what he’d expected her to say.

  He relaxed a little.

  “It did something to me. Ever since Cody died, I’ve had this emptiness inside me.”

  “I know. Me too.” On impulse, Joe took her hand in his. He was only going to squeeze it, but her hands were cold as ice, so he didn’t let go.

  “I don’t know if it’s the same kind of emptiness, Joe. The emptiness isn’t because Cody isn’t here. It’s different. I’m empty because…” She trailed off, closing her eyes and breathing in. When she opened them again, they were suspiciously bright.

  Joe remained quiet and waited for her to go on.

  “I don’t know if I can explain it right now. Remember I told you this morning that I needed to spend some quiet time with God?” She pressed her lips together and shook her head. “I still do. I need to think about it some more because I don’t want to make an even bigger mess of things.”

  “What things, Lisa?” He resisted the urge to reach for her and waited, instead, for her to continue.

  She said nothing for a moment, then shook her head again. “I can’t talk about it right now. I hope you understand. I—I need a little more time.” She pulled her now-warm hand from his, leaving him suddenly cold.

  Time for what? Unsure of what to say, Joe reached for another piece of fried fish. Lisa had just skirted something that weighed heavily on her heart. She’d share it with him when she was ready, but, oddly enough, he wanted her to share it with him now.

  “Are you going to eat your pickle?”

  Joe looked down at his plate and speared the offending object with his fork then held it out to her. “I’m glad to see some things never change.” The smile escaped him before he could call it back. Just as quickly, her gaze locked with his as she reached for the pickle. She smiled back, and Joe couldn’t help but wonder if it was possible that things could get better for them.

  ****

  After lunch, they settled back into the plush chairs on the solarium’s deck. Joe seemed to lose himself in his book while Lisa couldn’t concentrate on hers. She wanted to rejoice that they’d taken an important step, broken a two-month-long silence and turned a corner in their relationship. Instead, she struggled with feelings of guilt.

  They couldn’t have a relationship until she was honest with him, honest with God, and honest with herself.

  Lisa shoved the troublesome thought away. She refused to think like that. They would always have a relationship.

  After an hour or so of reading quietly, Joe stood and stretched. He looked at his watch.

  “I know you haven’t decided whether or not you want to go into Juneau tomorrow, but we need to decide soon. If we want to do anything in port, we have to sign up by 3:00 PM the day prior.” He glanced at his watch again. “That gives us about fifteen minutes to decide.”

  Lisa hesitated for only a second before she nodded. They were husband and wife. They belonged together. God wanted them together. She’d do anything to be with Joe.

  As long as I don’t have to ride on the seaplane, Lord. Please?

  “I think I’d like to see Juneau, so go ahead and sign us up.”

  “What do you want us to sign up for?” He sounded so eager that something in his tone drew on a familiar chord deep within her soul. She knew exactly what he wanted her to say.

  “I don’t care.” Lisa tried to sound nonchalant, even though she felt anything but. “Whatever you want to do is fine with me.” As soon as she spoke his gaze met hers and her heart began to hammer. She didn’t want to hear his answer.

  “I want to go on the seaplane.”

  The way he said it, the eagerness in his eyes, reminded her of their son. If Cody were here they’d both be begging her to fly in the plane with them. Fear pounded in her head. Did she dare push past her fright and agree to go with Joe on the little plane?

  She took a deep breath. Joe was a part of Cody she could never lose. Still, to get on that plane…she didn’t know if she could make herself.

  “I know you don’t want to, Lisa, but I think you’d enjoy it once you got over your fear.”

  “There’s not much likelihood of that.” The instant she spoke, Lisa regretted it. The disappointment on his face pricked her heart. Now she could clearly see Cody in his expression and it tugged at her heart. Refusing to do something that meant so much to Joe when she knew how badly he wanted to do it was selfish. She shouldn’t let her fear g
et the best of her, especially when Joe had tried so hard to make her happy today. He was even planning to eat in the dining room tonight.

  Would going for a ride on a seaplane show him how much she wanted to be with him and make him realize how much they needed to be together? She’d give anything if that were the case.

  Even risking her life in the air.

  “Go sign us up for the seaplane, Joe.” Too late, the words were out and she couldn’t call them back.

  “Really?” His mouth curled up into a smile and ignited her heart.

  Her heart picked up a beat. It was worth the risk to have him looking like this…like a man who might be starting to live again. A gentle, happy man who would be there in joy and sorrow, a man whose face would occasionally offer glimpses of the son she’d never see grow up.

  Lisa nodded. “I think maybe we should offer to take Brandon and his dad.” Lisa’s heart pounded even as she spoke the words. “He’ll love it, and we both know it’s the only way he’ll ever get to go.”

  “What about you?”

  “What about me?”

  “Will you be all right with this?”

  “No.”

  The hopeful look in his eyes disappeared.

  “But I’ll try,” she added quickly. “For Brandon. He needs something to look forward to.” And so do you, she added silently. She wanted him to look forward to something. Even if that particular something petrified her.

  “Lisa, this is great.” His smile was wide now, and she wanted to revel in it.

  Instead, she was so scared she couldn’t answer.

  “You’ll love it. I know you will.”

  Lisa nodded and somehow managed to flash him a fake smile. But Joe never saw it because he was already halfway down the hall toward the elevator.

  A terrible feeling of dread settled over her, and Lisa had a feeling she’d be awake all night trying to work up courage she wasn’t sure she’d be able to find. She settled back into her lounge chair, closed her eyes, and sent a quick prayer heavenward begging to be blessed with a heaping dose of that courage.

  Lisa didn’t know why, but everything seemed to hinge on this seaplane ride.

  13

  Excited about tomorrow, Joe stepped into the elevator to head back to the Denali Deck. Just as the doors were about to shut he heard a commotion in the hall.

  “Wait for us, Mr. Joe!”

  He stuck a foot in between the doors to prevent them from closing.

  Brandon ran toward the elevator, a harried looking Chad three steps behind. Talk about timing. Knowing he didn’t have time to find Chad before signing them up for the seaplane tour, he’d gone ahead and signed them up. He’d have to find a way to distract Brandon so he could ask Chad about it.

  “Where’s Miss Lisa? You guys wanna eat dinner with us?”

  “Brandon, stop asking so many questions.”

  “He’s no bother, Chad.” Joe tried to give Brandon a reassuring glance. “Lisa’s reading a book in the solarium just down the hall from our room. You’ll see her when we get off the elevator. As for dinner, thank you very much for the offer, Brandon. But we already agreed to eat with a different friend. She invited us this morning.”

  “Oh.” Brandon kicked at the wall of the elevator.

  “I’m pretty sure you’ll see Lisa sometime tomorrow.” Joe smiled at the boy, trying to offer him some assurance without spoiling the surprise until he spoke to Chad.

  “OK.” Brandon sounded disappointed.

  The elevator stopped on the Denali Deck, and they stepped into the hall together. The solarium was a short distance down the hall, and Joe could see Lisa sitting in her lounge chair facing the water. It looked as though she might have fallen asleep, but he couldn’t really tell from here.

  “Listen, Chad, could I talk with you for a minute?”

  “Sure, what’s up?”

  “Well…” Joe hesitated as he looked at Brandon. The boy was listening intently, as if sensing something big. “Brandon, do you mind if I talk to your dad in private? It’s kind of a grownup conversation.”

  Chad looked at him curiously then nodded. “Brandon? Why don’t you go stand over by the window for a minute?”

  Brandon looked down at the floor as if trying to decide whether to obey. Finally, he shuffled off toward the window and leaned his face against it to stare out at the water.

  Joe waited a second to be sure Brandon wasn’t listening. When it appeared the boy was watching intently as they slowly passed a glacier, he lowered his voice. “Lisa and I have been talking. We want to thank you and Brandon for helping me find her last night. We’d like to take the both of you on a seaplane ride tomorrow.”

  “A seaplane?” Chad’s response was louder than Joe had hoped, and Brandon was at their side in an instant.

  “Can we, Dad? Can we?”

  Great. Brandon had overheard. If Chad said no Brandon would be so disappointed.

  Chad sighed in exasperation. Joe tensed, waiting for Chad to turn down the offer.

  “Lisa and I really want to do something to show our gratitude.” Joe looked at Brandon, took in his eager expression. “It would mean a lot to us if you said yes. Please?”

  “Yeah, Dad. Please?”

  Chad took a deep breath then let it out. “If I say yes, do you promise to behave?”

  Brandon’s little blond head bobbed up and down, his eager features perfectly schooled into the picture of obedience.

  Joe pressed his lips together to keep his expression bland but struggled not to bust out with a smile. For such a little boy, Brandon seemed so serious. If they did go on the seaplane, the boy wouldn’t be able to contain his excitement for long.

  “It’s awfully expensive,” Chad said.

  “It’s worth it to us,” Joe was quick to assure him.

  Chad was silent for so long, Joe feared he’d say no. “OK,” he finally agreed. Then he turned to Brandon. “But I won’t put up with any of your wild behavior.”

  “Thanks, Dad!” Brandon was all smiles and looked as if he wanted to jump in the air. But he seemed to think better of it and clasped his hands in front of him as if it would help him be perfectly still. “I’ll be good. I promise.”

  Then Brandon turned to Joe. “Thanks, Mr. Joe. Will Miss Lisa be there?”

  “You’re very welcome, and yes, she will.” At least, he hoped she would. Even though she’d agreed, he still worried she’d change her mind.

  “Oh, look,” Brandon said. “There she is!” If possible, Brandon smiled even bigger as he took off running toward the solarium. A warm feeling spread through Joe’s chest. The little boy was growing quite attached to Lisa.

  ****

  It seemed she’d just nodded off when Lisa had the oddest feeling of someone standing over her. Her eyes flew open and she found herself staring into Brandon’s eager face. Startled, she jumped.

  “Sorry, Miss Lisa. I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

  “Brandon. That’s OK.” It was kind of nice to wake up and see a little boy’s smiling face, even if it wasn’t her little boy’s face. She sighed.

  “What’s wrong, Miss Lisa?” Brandon blue eyes clouded with concern.

  She reached out and ruffled his hair. Would this painful longing for Cody ever go away? Somehow, she didn’t think it would.

  “Nothing for you to worry about, Brandon.”

  Joe was talking to Chad. She was afraid to ask the little boy if he knew about their planned seaplane adventure. “How was your day?”

  “OK, I guess,” Brandon answered. “The fish was kind of gross, though.”

  “I guess that means you’ll be nice and hungry for dinner.”

  He nodded. “I’m nice and hungry now, though.”

  “We need to get you cleaned up for dinner,” Chad announced.

  “In a minute, Dad. I want to talk to Miss Lisa.”

  Chad sighed, looking like he’d spent his entire day chasing Brandon. Lisa would give anything to have spent a day like that with C
ody.

  “Who’s Cody?”

  Brandon’s innocent question brought an instant lump to her throat, and for a minute she couldn’t answer.

  “Brandon,” his dad scolded.

  “It’s OK.” She didn’t want Brandon to get in trouble for being a curious boy.

  “How did you know about Cody?”

  “’Cuz last night when you were crying about the whales, you said his name lots of times. Is he your boy?”

  “Yes,” she whispered. “He’s my boy. And he wanted to see the whales for his birthday.”

  “How come he’s not here? Did you leave him at home?”

  “No.” Lisa shook her head and bit into her bottom lip. She had no clue what to say.

  “Brandon, that’s enough. Leave the Kendalls alone.”

  Lisa caught Joe’s eye.

  “He’s fine, Chad.” She knelt down beside Brandon. “Brandon, honey, Cody’s not at home. At least not the kind of home you and I know. My little boy is gone from us now.”

  Wide blue eyes gazed up at her, and her heart broke for the millionth time. “He’s living with Jesus in heaven.”

  Brandon’s mouth formed a silent Wow! She looked over his shoulder to see Chad’s reaction, knowing full well some adults didn’t want the words Jesus, God, or heaven spoken to their children. Chad, however, didn’t seem to mind. Instead, he appeared to be listening with interest.

  “How’d he get there?”

  As most of his previous questions had, this one brought a twinge of pain. Brandon was certainly inquisitive. But she wanted to answer. His innocence and sincerity stole her heart. She swallowed hard.

  “There was an accident. A car accident.” She blinked hard to clear her vision. But it blurred again when his warm little-boy hand tucked its way into hers.

  “I bet he’s happy there. My mom talked about Jesus a lot. I bet your boy and Jesus are having lots of fun.”

  Unable to speak, Lisa could only nod.

  “Is that why you’re sad? ’Cuz you don’t got your boy?”

  Tears stung the back of her eyes. “That’s right. I’ll always be a little sad.”