Practically Married

by Christine Rimmer

  His own body responded to his thoughts.

  He gritted his teeth and reminded himself of how she felt about Cash. For over a week now, all he had to do was focus on that, and any unruly spark of desire would immediately wink out and turn cold.

  He ticked off all the things he couldn’t afford when it came to her. He couldn’t afford to take her to bed. He couldn’t afford to let her get too close, or to care about her too much. He couldn’t afford to take any emotional risks with her at all, because he’d only end up the loser in the deal. The woman was in love with someone else.

  But going over all the things he couldn’t afford to do with her didn’t help. And the knowledge that she loved his cousin just didn’t seem to be working tonight. Tonight, his body didn’t give a damn who the hell she loved or how it might hurt in the end if he started loving her. He simply wanted her. Wanted to touch and caress. To lose himself in her.

  To take away all of her clothes and see her body naked. To kiss all the parts of her that only a husband should kiss. To bury himself in her. To find sweet release.

  And then to start all over again...

  He had to get the hell away from her, and he had to do it now.

  He jumped down from the fence.

  She sidestepped neatly, blocking his escape. And she looked at him so tenderly, so hopefully. “Zach...”

  He shook his head. “Tess. Let it go.”

  “Zach, if we could just talk. If I could just explain how I—”

  “There’s nothing to explain. Just leave it. Please.”

  “I can’t leave it.”

  “You can. You will.”

  “This isn’t going to work, Zach. Not forever. We can’t avoid each other all the time. We can’t...feel like this when we finally get a few minutes together and not ever do anything about it. You do...want me, Zach. I can see in your eyes that you do.”

  “No...”

  “Lying won’t make the wanting stop.”

  “I don’t—”

  “Zach, we are husband and wife. And we have to find our way to each other. Somehow.”

  “We’ve been doing fine.” He knew as he said the words how stupid and hollow they sounded.

  And she knew, too. She looked at him with such sadness in those dark eyes. “Oh, Zach. I understand, at least a little bit, about how bad it must have been, with Leila. I know you’re not a man to give your heart easily. And I can see how, the way she hurt you, it’s really hard for you to trust a woman again. But I would never hurt you. I swear to you. I’ll be true to you until death. I...Oh, Zach. I want you to know something. I have to tell you—”

  He put both hands up, as if she held a gun on him, because, dammit, he felt as if she did. “Tess. Don’t.”

  “I have to. I have to say it.”

  “No.”

  “Yes. I love you, Zach. I do.”

  Chapter Twelve

  Tess stared up at him, hoping, praying, willing him to believe her.

  But he didn’t.

  She could see it in his eyes.

  He shook his head. “Hell, Tess.”

  She wanted to grab him, shake him, make him believe. “It’s true, Zach. I swear it.”

  He dragged in a long breath and let it out hard. “Look. I think it’s time to call it a night.”

  She wanted to throw herself against him, pound her fists on his chest, demand that he give credit to her words. But then she thought of Leila. Leila had made a lot of demands. Zach would only shake his head some more if she acted like Leila.

  She drew herself up. “I’m sorry you don’t believe me. I can understand why you don’t. But I’m glad it’s out in the open, anyway. And I sincerely hope that, over time, you will give me a chance to prove the truth of my love for you.”

  He looked at her, a sad smile curving his mouth. “You’re a good woman and a good wife. You have nothing to prove to me, Tess. Not a damn thing.”

  And with that, he turned and walked away, across the moon-silvered yard to the house. She watched him go, thinking how lonely he looked, longing to run after him—take his hand, walk beside him.

  But knowing he would only pull away from her if she tried.

  In the days that followed, Tess did her best to keep a positive attitude. She told herself she had done the right thing, that Zach needed to know of her love. And that someday—someday soon—he would come to her and reach out his hand. He would want to know more. He would want her to explain the how and why of her love for him.

  And she would explain. Everything.

  And after that, they would grow closer. Someday—someday soon—they would be husband and wife in every way.

  In the meantime, she just had to wait, that was all. Now that her confused feelings for Cash no longer got in the way, she saw all the time how much Zach wanted her, that the looks he gave her when he thought she didn’t see would set green wood aflame. He just needed time and space to come to her on his own.

  But it was hard not to become discouraged. She wanted to stay positive, but a person had to deal with reality, too.

  And reality kept whispering that she’d been giving him time and space pretty much since their wedding day. And that it hadn’t done a bit of good so far.

  Starr decided she’d rather make beds and scrub pots than work cattle and help with haying. Zach hid a smile of relief when she made her decision. Tess knew he thought that no one noticed. But Tess saw it. She wished they were close. If they had been close, she would have teased him later, when they were alone, about getting off easy in terms of supervising his sulky child.

  And Starr was sulky. Even in the first few days of her stay at the ranch, she never did anything voluntarily. Direct orders were needed. But at least she did obey orders—reluctantly, wearing a petulant frown.

  When Starr had been with them for three days, Tess took her up to Sheridan to buy her some clothes. It turned out to be a relatively painless procedure. Tess chose items she thought appropriate, careful not to suggest anything too frilly or flowery, and Starr said, “Yeah, sure. That’s fine. Whatever.”

  Tess saved the toughest part for last, when she led Starr to the lingerie department. She went straight to the bra racks. “Let’s see, Starr. What size are you?”

  Starr’s lips pulled back from her teeth. “Oh, God. No.”

  Tess looked up from the rack and into the violet eyes. They stared each other down.

  Then Starr said, “I hate them. They bind me up.”

  “Your breasts are full.” Tess kept her tone strictly matter-of-fact. “You need them. At least for riding.”

  Starr sighed and tossed her head. Her diamond glittered. Then she grunted. “All right. But nothing with wires in it. Please.”

  The saleslady showed them some brand-new sports bras that gave excellent support without binding. Starr actually smiled when she tried them on. “Hey. These are okay.”

  After that, Tess didn’t have to worry so much about what the hands might be thinking when Starr walked across the yard.

  Four days after the shopping trip, Tess went into the barn through the tack room. She was after some straw to lay between the beds in her garden as a guard against the sun’s heat and the moisture loss it caused. She’d just reached the inner door that led to the main part of the barn, when she heard voices.

  Jobeth spoke first. “His name is Tick. He’s a sweetie, don’t you think?”

  Then Starr’s voice: “Pretty clean, for a barn cat.”

  “I brush him and Tim gives me stuff to put on his cuts. From the fights he gets in, you know. He’s a tom.”

  Starr laughed. “I know about toms.”

  “And this is Tack, she’s Tick’s sister. She’s also his wife, I think. Pretty weird, huh?”

  Starr agreed, “Yeah. Pretty damn weird.”

  Jobeth explained, “She’ll have kittens, in a few weeks.”

  A silence.

  Tess knew she shouldn’t, but she crept sideways, into the shadows, among the bits and bridles s
trung along the wall. From that angle, she could see the brown head and the black one, bent close together. Each of the girls was busy petting a cat. The cats reveled in the attention, arching their backs, rolling over, nudging and nuzzling at the girls’ hands.

  The door to the small pasture behind the barn stood open. Bozo stuck his head in. “Moo-oo-ooo!” he said hopefully.

  “Come on,” said Jobeth.

  The little steer came in and the girls petted him, too.

  Jobeth looked at Starr. “It’s hard. Not to care too much about him, you know?”

  Starr nodded. She knew as well as Jobeth did that steers were raised to be sold and slaughtered. “Don’t let it get you down,” Starr said. She reached out and ruffled Jobeth’s hair as the steer wandered back out into the sun. “Life’s a bust. Then you die. For everybody.”

  Jobeth grinned. “Life’s okay.” She looked around the barn. “Especially since we moved here, you know?”

  “Yeah, I know. You were like, born to ranch. It’s all over you.”

  Jobeth looked at the older girl in frank adoration. “Starr?”

  “Yeah?”

  “We’re sort of sisters, aren’t we?”

  “Yeah. I suppose.”

  “Would you mind a lot...if your dad adopted me?”

  Starr leaned back against a hay bale and laced her hands behind her head. “Why? Is he?”

  “I hope he will.”

  “Did you ask him?”

  “Yeah.”

  “So what did he say?”

  “He said he would talk about it with my mom—when the time’s right.” Jobeth frowned. “What does that mean, when the time’s right? Is that one of those things grown-ups say when they’re not going to do anything, really?”

  Starr appeared to be playing some kind of ladder game with her fingers.

  Jobeth leaned closer. “Whatcha got?”

  “Ladybug.”

  “Cool.”

  Starr let her hands fall to her lap. They both watched what must have been the ladybug, flying off.

  “Fly away home,” Jobeth said.

  “Yeah, get your ass back to that burnin’ house, baby....”

  Jobeth let out a guffaw that was part shock and part delight. “Starr!”

  “Sorry.” Starr leaned against the bale again, sighing—and picked up the conversation about adoption as if it had never been dropped. “No, if my dad says something, he means it. So, he will do it. He’ll adopt you. I mean, after he finally gets around to talking to your mom. And if your mom says yes.”

  Jobeth picked up a piece of straw and began smoothing it over her knee. “So would that be okay, with you?”

  Starr leaned her head back, closed her eyes.

  “Starr. Would it?”

  Starr lifted her head again and looked at Jobeth. “Yeah. I wouldn’t mind, since it’s you. I wouldn’t mind at all.”

  Jobeth said, “Good.” For a moment neither girl spoke, then Jobeth declared, “When I get bigger, I’ll get a diamond. Just like yours.”

  “It’s only a rhinestone, kid.”

  “It shines like a diamond. Like you. Like a star.”

  That night, when Zach came in from his last rounds, Tess was waiting for him in the kitchen.

  “What?” he said warily, when he saw her

  She put on a smile that was friendly and no more. “I thought we should touch base a little.”

  “About what?”

  She glanced toward the central hall, to be sure they were alone, and then she lowered her voice. “About Starr.”

  He frowned. “Did something happen? What did she do?”

  Tess stood. “Relax. She didn’t do anything. I just want to talk a little, that’s all. Let me get you a beer.” She waited a fraction of a second, and when he didn’t refuse the beer, she went to the refrigerator, pulled out a long-neck and screwed off the top. “Here.”

  He took it, muttering suspiciously, “Thanks.”

  “How about the front porch?”

  “Fine.”

  He followed her through the house and out the door. She sat in her usual place on the step. He leaned against the porch post opposite her, clearly unwilling to get too close.

  He lifted the beer. “All right. What?” He drank.

  She said, “The shopping trip went fine.”

  He watched her broodingly. “Yeah, I noticed the jeans and T-shirts. She looks better. Much better.”

  Tess knew he also must have noticed that Starr was wearing bras now, but he didn’t say anything. He probably thought his troubled daughter’s underwear was too intimate a subject to discuss with her. Maybe he thought it would inflame her senses or something, make her grab him and kiss him and say terrible things, like I love you, Zach. And I wish you would give me a chance. I wish you would let me get close, let me tell you everything that’s in my foolish heart....

  “Anything else?” he said, already pushing away from the porch post.

  No way she was letting him go yet. “As a matter of fact, yes.”

  “I’m listening.”

  “I saw her today, in the barn.”

  He was instantly on guard. “With who? Beau?”

  “No. With Jobeth.”

  He relaxed against the post again.

  “What made you think she might be with Beau?”

  He drank from his beer. “I don’t know. The way he looks at her. And yesterday, I saw them out by the sheds together.”

  “Doing what?”

  He shrugged. “Just talking. It looked like no more than a Hi-how-are-you kind of thing. But it makes me nervous. She’s sixteen, with problems. And he’s a lonely cowhand. You know what I mean.”

  She thought of Josh and his green eyes and killer smile, all those years ago. And of her younger self, looking for excitement, for someone to sweep her off her feet. Oh, she did know. She knew exactly what Zach meant.

  And yet Starr was so much more sophisticated than Tess had been. What real appeal could some penniless cowpuncher hold for her?

  She said, “I’ve seen the way Beau looks at her. But she didn’t seem interested in him in the least. I got the feeling she wouldn’t give him the time of day.”

  “Who can say what goes on with her?”

  Tess allowed herself a smug smile. “I can. A little, anyway.”

  He looked at her sideways. “What does that mean?”

  She leaned toward him a little. “I have a theory.”

  Her enthusiasm must have been contagious. He actually cracked a smile. “A theory, huh?”

  “Yes.”

  “Tell me.”

  “I believe she really is trying. That she sincerely wants to fit in here, to make things work, with us.”

  He grunted. “Right. By sulking all the time, making smart-mouth remarks and wearing a ring through her nose.”

  “It’s not a ring. It’s a rhinestone.”

  “Whatever. You know what I mean.”

  “Zach, aside from you, years ago, I don’t think anybody’s invested any effort in her at all. I don’t think anybody’s really cared what she did with herself or her time—until she became an embarrassment, I mean. You should have seen her, when we bought the clothes. Trying to act like she didn’t care. But she did care. That someone would take the time to get her outfitted. I swear, I believe her mother probably just threw money at her and told her to get her own clothes.”

  “But not you,” he said softly. “You took the time with her.”

  She looked away. The kind words moved her. Especially coming from him. But she had to be careful not to make too much of them, not to scare him off.

  She spoke briskly. “Okay, she doesn’t exactly knock herself out to be helpful. But she does what she’s told to do. She’s keeping the bargain you laid out for her four years ago that if she lives here, she lives by our rules.

  “And today, Zach. Today, I went into the barn and saw her with Jobeth. They didn’t see me. I probably shouldn’t have spied on them, but I did. I hid in
the shadows and watched them. And Zach, they are friends. I mean, I already noticed that Jobeth thinks Starr is about the most wonderful thing to hit this ranch since Callabash. But Starr cares for her, too. She hides it, when we’re around, but you should have seen her, like a real big sister, petting the barn cats and dishing out advice about how tough life can be. And then...grabbing Jobeth, ruffling her hair. Jobeth said that they were like sisters, weren’t they? And Starr nodded and said she supposed that they were.”

  Tess glanced away for a moment, remembering the other subject the girls had discussed—the subject of Zach adopting Jobeth. Tess had stewed about that all afternoon. And then she’d accepted the fact that for Jobeth to be Zach’s child legally could only be for the best, no matter what happened in the end between herself and Zach.

  If Jobeth were legally Zach’s daughter, then she would never lose her place with him, or on this ranch. It would break Tess’s heart in two, to have to let her daughter go, should it come to that. But she would do it. If that was Jobeth’s choice, and if Zach wanted it, too.

  Still, Tess had no intention of mentioning the adoption issue herself. It was Zach’s subject to broach.

  Zach tapped his empty beer bottle against his thigh. “Well. What you’ve told me sounds...interesting.”

  “Come on,” she scoffed. “You know it’s much more than interesting. It’s progress, that’s what it is.” She considered telling him a bit more—such as how Jobeth admired Starr so much, she planned to get her nose pierced. But then she decided that probably wouldn’t go over real big.

  “What else?” he demanded.

  “Nothing.”

  “I can see by that smile that there’s something else.”

  “No,” she said, playing innocent. “Not a thing. That was it.”

  He leaned his head back against the post and let out a breath. “Well. I guess you’re right. It does sound like maybe Starr is working to get along, like maybe she wants to be here. And that’s good.”

  “Yes. Very good.”

  A silence fell. The night sounds, imperceptible a moment ago, seemed much louder. Tess heard the soft whicker of one of the horses out in the back pasture, carried to them on the wind. And some bird she couldn’t identify trilled out a long, sweet cry somewhere off to the east. And far off, as always, the coyotes howled.