penance. a love story (The Böhme Series)

by Sarah Buhl

  “I suppose I can,” I said with a sigh into the phone.

  “Great. I’m heading over there at nine,” he said with an excited but shocked tone.

  “Okay, sounds good.” I ended the call.

  Blake was a riddle. He wanted to fit in with everyone in high school, but called them cloned assholes lacking individual thought. But he still went to their parties. He needed others, where I did not.

  I think he uses it as a learning experience, trying to figure out who he doesn’t want in his life. He weeds out the population to find those people worthy of calling friend. Me, I didn’t want to mess with it because I hadn’t yet found a means to change my opinion of them.

  Thankful for the few hours of preparation time I had, I headed home. It wasn’t that I had to change clothes or something, but I needed to strengthen my mental walls. I preferred to stay home and read or play video games. That was my typical Friday night. But as I thought of just cancelling, I heard the nagging voice of my doctor telling me that it has been years now and I needed this. He said I closed myself off to the world and the world needed to meet me. I laughed at that. The world was a big place and meeting me sure as hell wasn’t going to change it for them.

  4

  Hannah

  I spent a few hours with Petra, who turned out to be one of the coolest people I ever met. She treated me to dinner and her kindness to a stranger showed me hope for the world. She met me and gave me the job without any references or work history. She said she saw in my eyes something different and the job couldn’t go to anyone else. It was the first time in my life I felt like I was where I was supposed to be.

  I walked the two blocks back to my apartment and ran in the door to tell Maggie my good news. I heard the music coming from her room again, but this time Maggie came right out when she heard the front door close.

  “Why are you so smiley?” she asked me, with a scowl. “You never sent me a text,” she said as she stepped toward me with her finger pointed at my nose. I was five nine and she stood to my armpit. Though we were cousins, our appearances were nothing alike. She had short black hair, and mine was dark blonde and fell to my hips. She had dark brown eyes and I had light blue. She had an overbearing personality that made sense to her and her alone. I was easy going.

  I set my bag on the kitchen table and took a seat, “Sorry, my new job occupied my time and I forgot,” I said with a huge smile. “And oh my, it's amazing.”

  “Oh my, that is awesome, Hannah,” she said, changing her demeanor and leaning over me in the chair to give me a hug. “Toby, Hannah got a job, come in here,” she yelled before giving her attention back to me. “Tell me about it.”

  “It’s a bookstore that is a couple blocks away.” I dropped her embrace and my eyes grew wide with excitement. “You will not believe this place. I can’t wait for you to see it.” I noticed the dress she was wearing, “What are you guys up to this evening?” I asked with a tilt of my head.

  She was wearing a rockabilly pinup dress and she wore her short black hair in a way that was a perfect replica from the 1940s. Her dress and makeup accentuated the right places, which was another quality that made us different. She was voluptuous, I was not. I could never fill out a dress as she did. With her choice of clothes, they were going out, because Maggie didn’t dress that way on usual days.

  She gave Toby the stink-eye as he came around the corner, “Well we were going to go to a bar that is supposed to be cool. Do you want to come with us? A guy is coming that I want you to meet. You will love him. I have wanted you to meet him.” She smiled at me as her hands clenched her hips waiting for my response.

  I lifted an eyebrow at her, because she knew I did not want to meet anyone. I shook my head at her as I thought of it. Possibilities that I cannot give ran through my mind. I didn’t even know this guy and guilt filled me for having to ignore him.

  She laughed, “Don’t look at me that way, Hannah,” she said as she squeezed my shoulders and leaned over, making me meet her eyes. “He’s gay. He’s so much fun and you will have a blast with him,” she said in a manner as if she willed me to prove her wrong.

  Thank the gods he’s gay. I relaxed into my chair. “Well, okay then.”

  Toby laughed from the doorway he was leaning in, but didn’t say a word. He was wearing his typical skinny jeans and small tee shirt. His shirt today had a large wolf’s head in the middle of it. He was a dork, but it suited him. “What's with your grin?” I asked with a raised eyebrow.

  “It just is,” he said with glassy eyes and a bigger, goofier smile. That’s where the grin came from—he was high. Maggie became pissed the first time he had smoked pot around her. She said it was horrible and was a gateway drug. I thought it hypocritical to go out drinking, but criticize someone for smoking it. She complained to me one time and even used the gateway term. I laughed and asked what part alcohol played. The realization clicked as she thought through what I said. I never touched the stuff myself, but I also never saw a high person start a fight.

  “Okay, when are you guys heading out?” I asked as I twirled a fork on the table.

  Maggie checked the clock over the stove, “Gabe’ll be here in a half hour.”

  “That's enough time for me,” I said and smiled as I stood from my seat and stretched, before heading to my room. I grinned at Toby as I walked passed him in the doorway. He was growing out a beard and I couldn’t resist giving it a slight scratch. He gave me a funny laugh as he rubbed his own beard now. “Yeah, Maggie wanted me to grow it out. She said she wanted to see what color it was.” He lowered his head as if to hide his reddish beard, before turning to sit on the couch.

  “Whatever, Toby, you wanted to do it too.” Maggie laughed, joining him on the couch as I left to change clothes.

  “Congratulations on the job, Hannah,” Toby said in his normal soft tone.

  I turned back with a smile, “Thank you, Toby.” He smiled his shy smile in response as if my addressing him in such a simple way made him uncomfortable.

  I searched my room for something reasonable to wear. I grabbed a lacy skirt that wasn't too dirty and changed my top. I threw a cardigan on and smiled at my shoes. The shoes I wore with everything were my chucks. They were the shoes my sister and I wrote on several years ago. I decided two years ago not to worry of what was proper when it came to trivial shit, so I wear them with everything. I wasn’t proper in other ways, so why think twice of shoes? My sister was proper. What good had it brought her?

  I hated myself for thinking that. She didn’t deserve my judgment and it wasn’t my right. Guilt crept in and I needed the numbness back. It was too long since I had a new number and I needed the emptiness it brought me. The guilt and pain consumed me as the walls closed in on me.

  I examined myself in the mirror for a moment as I ran my fingers through my hair to smooth it. I pulled it in a loose bun at my neck. The dark eye makeup I wore made my reflection appear as a stranger's. I never used to wear makeup this way, choosing instead to not wear any. Seeing myself this way made my choices easier. The mask slipped into place without hesitation. When I couldn’t recognize myself anymore, I was in the right state of mind.

  I glanced in the mirror one last time and formed a smile as I thought of my new job. I tried to let the mask of joy it created cover my entire face. I checked my clock and continued to force the smile as I exited my bedroom. “Fifteen minutes. I rock,” I said with a false bravado.

  I walked into the living room and found Toby and Maggie still sitting on the couch. Toby was playing with one of her curls while she flipped through a magazine so I assumed they had settled their issue while I was in my room. They both gave me smiles that took up their entire faces when they saw me. “You are so stinking cute, Hannah,” Maggie said as an abrupt knock at the door interrupted her. “Oh it’s Gabe.” she squealed as she jumped from the couch and ran past me to get the door, throwing her magazine at Toby. I lifted my brow at Toby because of her reaction and he shrugged his shoulders as he
got up from the couch himself.

  I turned to follow Maggie and she was opening the door to a tall man. I tried to keep my mouth closed as I took in his presence. He was not what I expected. I come from a stereotypical small town and I had a stereotypical idea of how a homosexual man would be. I imagined him being flamboyant and noisy, wearing bright colors and a bow tie. That’s what happens when you get your ideas of homosexuality from prime time television. He was ruggedly handsome and wore a simple gray tee shirt with loose fitting jeans.

  “Magster,” he said as he brought her into a genuine hug. There was a draw to him that made me want to be his friend without hesitation. He was sweet and had a protective grace in him that made me want to hug him myself.

  “Gabe, meet Hannah,” Maggie said as she drew him toward me. He grabbed both my hands and lifted them up, aligning them with my shoulders. He pulled them apart and I imagined I appeared as if I were a bird he was inspecting for Thanksgiving.

  “You are gorgeous,” he declared as he gave Maggie a smile and pulled me in for a hug. As much as I wanted to hug him, it was not something I often did with people I just meet. It was too close and intimate. I prefer to keep my distance, but Gabe had a way that made me want to hug him longer than the time he gave me. He was safe.

  “Thank you, good sir,” I said and he laughed as he let go of me, but kept holding my hand. He tilted his head at me and the contrast of his icy blue eyes with his black hair brought thoughts of a superhero to mind. His eyes weren't a reminder of icy coldness, but they resembled ice that shone in the morning light after a storm. He held the burdens of that storm in his eyes, but looked to the dawn to burn it away and save every lost soul with him.

  “You’re a cheeky one, Hannah,” he said as he tapped my nose and spoke with a faux British accent. He turned his smile toward the living room as Toby began to walk toward us.

  His smile widened as Toby leaned against the wall, “And you must be Maggie’s Toby?” he said drawing out his name as if it were a decadent dessert.

  Toby lifted his eyebrow and smiled, “Yep. That’s me.” A slight tint of red formed on his neck and he scratched it as if he could erase his involuntary response. He kept his distance as he always did. I noticed that he did that any time he met someone new. He will stand back for a few minutes before starting any form of conversation. Maggie was the one to start their first conversation, because he was too demure to ask her out.

  “Well, now that the introductions are done, shall we go?” Gabe checked his watch. “It’s not a night club, but it’s my favorite bar in town. Good people, good music, and good drinks. They make great amaretto stone sours and I hear that is your favorite, Hannah,” he said as he turned to leave and we followed without hesitation.

  We made it to the sidewalk and I started toward Maggie’s car when Gabe grabbed my arm, “Oh no, we’re walking. You are lucky to live so close. I could become a drunk if I was within walking distance of Henley’s.”

  He took my hand again and started me to the corner. It was a short walk, but it was enough time to learn that Gabe was a design intern at the agency where Maggie was working. His very religious parents had thrown him from their loving home when he was seventeen and since that time he has lived on his own. I appreciated his candor and his ease of opening up to a stranger. It made it easier for me not to be open, because he dominated the conversation. Maggie knew my history, Toby knew bits of it, but everyone else I met I kept them at a superficial distance. As much as Gabe drew me in, at this point, he was still a superficial friend to me.

  A group of people ahead of us were smoking under a sign that read, Henley’s Pub. Gabe let go of my hand and placed it in the crook of his arm as we walked past the group and entered the bar. As soon as I walked through the second set of doors, the sound of a man’s deep twanging voice singing a Johnny Cash cover surrounded us. The singing man played an acoustic guitar while a woman with tattoos played drums. There was another man on stage that played an upright bass.

  I turned to Gabe and he was smiling at me with a wide grin, “Brilliant, isn’t it?” he asked.

  I agreed and nodded as I smiled back at Maggie. Her eyes shone bright as she pushed a loose strand of her dark hair behind her ear. Toby put his arm around her shoulder as he adjusted his hat. Each of us was in awe of the place. It felt as if it were welcoming us home with its open stage and dance floor.

  “I love this place,” I yelled up at him and he laughed, not understanding what I said. I pulled him to my level so I could speak into his ear, “I love this place.” He squeezed my hand that was still on his arm and gave me a smile.

  “You’ll love it even more,” he said as he drew me farther through the crowd toward the bar. I made note of the looks I got as I passed several men. I needed to find my next number in this crowd.

  He walked up to the counter and put up two fingers and the bartender began mixing drinks for him. She was a unique girl with dreadlocks that went to her waist. She wore a flowing skirt and the way it twirled as she mixed up the drinks was mesmerizing. She was elegant in her movements as she grabbed bottles and poured and the longer I watched her, the more mesmerized I became. I began to feel eyes on me and couldn’t help but glance over my shoulder to the right, farther across the bar.

  That’s when I saw him, the guy from earlier today with the tattoos and the motorcycle. He was watching me and for a moment he gave me a surprised expression at seeing me. I gave him a smirk with raised eyebrows and his surprise left as he nodded and turned his attention back to the stage. I thought he might be my next number but wasn’t sure yet. He held a depth in him that made me not want to give him a number. But the same depth made me think he was perfect for it.

  “What’ll you have, Toby?” Gabe asked, bringing my attention back to my friends.

  “Just a beer is fine,” he said as he lowered his eyes to Gabe as if the attentions of the other man made him unsure of himself. He pulled Maggie closer under his arm, holding her as a security blanket. I dismissed it with a shrug as he was being ever the shy Toby.

  Gabe handed us our drinks and we toasted before I took my first drink of the best tasting amaretto stone sour I had ever had. I closed my eyes as I enjoyed the wonderful flavors mixing in my mouth. “Oh my lords that is divine,” I said.

  Maggie let out a squeal. “Oh, here we go,” she said as she raised her glass and Toby shook his head at her, before leaning to kiss the top of her head.

  We downed several drinks before Gabe pulled us out to the dance floor. The singer’s voice began on a deep melody that had a hypnotic repetition to it which added to the beginning of my buzz. Gabe lowered his hands and pressed my hips against his own as he began to dance behind me. I lifted my hands up and wrapped them around his neck and laughed. I didn’t drink or dance very often. It was something I used to do, but being here with this new friend, I was free. But that freedom was brief as I remembered that I needed to focus on the task at hand. I needed to find someone—my new number.

  I dropped my eyes and found that someone across the dance floor. He was watching me and gave me a crooked smile. I winked at him and gave a seductive expression that made me ill. He wasn’t the stranger with tattoos, but he was perfect for what I needed.

  That sick ache pushed me forward. I needed the illness to do what I intended to do. There was part of me that needed chiseled away through hollow encounters with men who wanted nothing from me. I needed empty relations and that is what I wanted from the tattooed hipster that walked toward me now.

  He had a clean shaven face with hair that swished to the side. He wore a tight fitting sleeveless tee shirt to show off the tattoos that covered his arms. They didn’t have a professional touch, but he was proud of them. He was handsome in a boyish way and he put his hand toward me to introduce himself. I took it and pulling him toward me I ignored his name and didn’t offer my own.

  We danced several songs together and I stayed between him and Gabe. I told him what I wanted to do to him and he agreed with
hooded eyes. Even though I knew what I had to do, I wanted to continue our dancing foreplay for a while longer. That way, I could pretend I wasn’t as horrible as I was. This is just a story.

  As I danced with them, I kept finding my eyes drawn to the stranger that sat at the bar. He kept his back to me most of the time, but there were moments he turned my direction. I watched him, hoping for one more glance of those eyes. His attentive eyes built me into more of a person. That was why it was the worst idea to allow my thoughts to drift to him. I couldn’t have more.

  I watched as he sat alone at the bar and didn’t talk to a single person except for the tall guy with lean muscle. The tall guy was as hot as his friend, but they were different beyond measure. Where the tattooed guy had dark messy hair, the other guy had light well trimmed hair. The other guy had a clean shaved jaw line, where tattooed guy looked as though he had more important things to focus his attention on than making sure he shaved.

  I made myself look away from the two men and focus on the mind-numbing beat of the song. Those two held something in their eyes that said they couldn’t be part of my plan, the tattooed one in particular. Warring with myself, I turned toward the tattooed stranger again as he stood up and looked ready to leave. Our eyes met and held fast for a moment. His soulful eyes searched my face and read every expression. He had the potential to see something I didn’t want to have seen and I broke our eye contact.

  Hands squeezing my hips brought my mind back to the guy who was now behind me. He began to kiss along my neck and I looked to the ceiling and let the music consume me. Tears began to form and I willed them to stay in my eyes. I couldn’t break. I needed to push forward.