penance. a love story (The Böhme Series)

by Sarah Buhl

  The door to the back opened, and I looked up as Stinson tilted his head at me and my tardiness. “I know, I know,” I said with my hands raised in surrender. A questioning look formed on his face as I followed him back to his office and he shut the door behind us.

  “Okay, spill it. You told me some on the phone last night, but I want to hear it again. I was half out of it since you woke me up.” He jumped right into it.

  “I talked to her. It took me a few days to take in what you said last week, but yesterday I threw caution to the wind and approached her. I invited her over for dinner,” I said as I took my seat in the leather chair he had in his office.

  “Good,” he said sitting back in his chair and raising an eyebrow at me. “So you waited until the last minute? At least you didn’t take more photos of her without her knowing. You didn’t did you?” he asked with a raise of his brow.

  I laughed as I ran my hands across my knees, “I just had the perfect reason yesterday. I had her, Blake, and Blake’s latest fling over for dinner and no, there were no pictures taken this time.”

  “That’s a freaking huge step for you, Wynn. Did you open to her?” he asked.

  I pulled at my lips and took a deep breath before speaking. “Yeah, I did, and she did as well.” He lifted an eyebrow. “We both spoke of things we hadn’t shared and it was good that we did.” I looked away before I continued. “I even told her of things I only told you. I just didn’t give the details,” I said meeting his eyes again, he gave me a questioning raise of an eyebrow as I tried to calm myself. I ran my hands across my knees as the sweat on my palms increased.

  “It’s good that you have trust established, that’s important. How did it end last night?”

  I looked up at the ceiling, as I thought of last night, “It didn’t,” I said. My thoughts drifted to the helpless boy from the night before and I had to continue with my confession. “For most of my childhood, I thought I was worthless and the only definition of love expressed to me was from a crazy drunk. I was just an object. I was less important to my mother than the newest lawn decoration she found. I have let her words and actions haunt me and I still see myself as an object. But I am an object of my own making and want to be more. Hannah tapped on my shoulder and reminded me I was human. It wasn’t that she was doing something miraculous, we were just being.”

  “I can’t imagine how difficult life has been for you, Wynn.” He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees as he spoke with determination. “What you just did these last couple days is more growth than we have made in the last two years. I am proud of you. You are a strong man. You may not realize it, but you are. Your mind is strong and as you work on growing out of the pain from your past, you will continue to grow stronger. There is bullshit we have to get sorted.” I nodded. “You need to remember, you are not constrained to your past and don’t worry for tomorrow or the future. Right now is all you have.”

  I let a small laugh out, “That sounds like something Hannah said.” I relaxed back into the chair and lifted my ankle onto my knee, more sure of myself than I ever was. Just the thought of Hannah made me that way.

  “Well, she must be a very intelligent young lady then.”

  “She is, believe me. She is. Speaking of strength, she has it. She's the strong one, but she's let life beat her, and she doesn't want to believe she can be good.” I played with the shoelace on one of my chucks as I thought of what I wanted to do. “I want to be more than I am,” I said as I looked at him with sincerity and continued. “It's the first time I have someone in my life that I wanted to grow for and convinces me that it just might be possible.”

  “You need to do that for yourself, Wynn,” he said with a pointed expression.

  I said, “I know. But I want to for her as well. She makes me strong enough to conquer past pains. When I’m with her my counting and anxieties grow quiet. I don't even hear them anymore when I am with her. This need to protect her drives me to be more. My own self-preservation isn’t as strong. Yeah, I want to keep myself sane and safe, but it's not just for me it’s for her.”

  He smiled at me, “That’s a good step, Wynn. I think getting out of your head will help. You've focused on your internal dialogue for too long and I did say you need to let the world meet you. Look how it has worked, you met Hannah,” he said with a cocky grin.

  I smiled in response, “I shared your advice with her.” He furrowed his brow in question. “I suggested she makes her thoughts her bitch.”

  He rolled his eyes with laughter and then the rest of my hour long session continued as usual.

  After my appointment I headed toward Blake’s and parked my bike in front of his building. When I reached the top of the stairs, his apartment door was ajar and tension crept along my skin. I took several deep breaths before walking in the door. I couldn’t let my angry demons show their faces. I have to stay calm and rational. He stopped himself last night, nothing happened. Hannah was right, he had integrity. He didn’t betray me.

  Without a word I entered his apartment and helped myself to a cup of coffee, then sat across from him in his living room. He was sitting in his arm chair staring at the couch where I now sat.

  His eyes were blank as he leaned his head on his propped up arm. His hair was in disarray and it made him appear crazed. “I fucked up, Wynn.” He dropped his hand onto the armrest, rubbing the corner of the leather chair with his thumb as if he could erase the anxiety with every repetition.

  “I know,” I said as I leaned back in his couch and propped my feet on the coffee table.

  “No, I mean, I fucked up big time. I didn't just cross the line; I jumped it and did my sexy dance,” he said with a serious yet panicked expression, trying to mask his guilt with humor.

  “I said, I know. I talked to Hannah last night,” I said and with reluctance, he met my eyes and his brow furrowed as he looked at me with confusion. “Yeah, I stayed at her apartment last night.”

  “I’m sorry, man. I was in a messed up state. Abby went postal last night, and I drank. I was waiting to talk to you and my mind got all screwed up and I saw—”

  I raised my hand to stop him from talking further. “I don’t need details, Blake. You didn’t go through with it and I thank you for that, so no worries. She was trying to punish herself with you. So I guess I should be relieved that she doesn't see you as anything more than a one night stand.” I eased into the couch.

  “What are you talking about?” He raised his eyebrows, and I noticed he hadn’t slept much last night.

  “She punishes herself with sex, man.” I lifted my coffee cup and pointed at him. “She punishes herself with empty… meaningless… sex. So you saved her from that last night and I thank you.”

  “She does?” he said as he looked off and realization hit, “Oh god. Shit.”

  “What?” I asked with my own raised eyebrow.

  “Her drunken night a few weeks ago, she started talking to Gabe and me about her sister and she rambled on other stuff. I thought it was just the alcohol talking. God, I’m an idiot. I didn’t even think about that.”

  “You knew?” I raised my voice, and it shocked him because I never yelled at him. I took a deep breath, reminding myself that this is my friend. I didn’t let him respond to my question before continuing. “It doesn’t matter. I just came here to say thank you.”

  “Umm, you’re welcome. So you stayed there?” he asked changing the subject in a rush.

  “Yeah, I did. We just slept though. Hannah needs more than sex. She deserves something epic and I’m going to give it to her,” I said with self-assuredness.

  Blake leaned back in his chair and pinched his lips together as he listened.

  “I need to open her eyes, just like she did mine.” My tone grew quiet as I looked into my coffee mug, thinking on how far I have come.

  Blake let out a small laugh, “Shit man. I've never seen that expression on your face, Wynn.”

  “I have a goal for the first time in my life, Blak
e. There is no end point with this goal. There are only many yets.” I looked up at the ceiling as I remembered how soft her hair was when I traced my fingers through it. The morning sun made the lighter parts look like strung gold.

  “Yets?”

  “Yeah, take my word on it.” I lifted my hand and gave a scowl that said he wasn’t going to get a further explanation. Strung gold. Hell I am in deep and I don't give a shit.

  “Something is different about you, man. You seem lighter,” he said as he smiled the cheesy smile he always did.

  “What do you mean I seem lighter?” I laughed.

  He leaned forward and pointed at me. “There’s this determination that makes you seem less depressed.”

  “Motivation does that to a person. I want to show Hannah there's another way.” I rolled the coffee cup between my hands. “I want to show myself there's another way too.”

  “I hope you aren’t using her as project or something,” Blake said with a hint of self-assurance of his own.

  Where the hell did that come from? I clenched my fists as I fought with my anger. “How the hell can you say that? When have you known me to use people?” I didn't hide the accusation from my tone.

  “Point taken. I don’t want to see anyone hurt.” He leaned back in his chair as he rested his arm along the back of it.

  “That determination you see? The first moment I met her, she set me ablaze. I can’t live in the past and I didn’t realize how alone I was until I met her. There is no going back from that. I was surviving, existing and now I want to live.”

  “That hurts,” he said as he put his hand over his heart. “You weren’t alone man. You had me, you had Sid. You had Petra and everyone at Böhme.”

  I leveled my eyes at him. “Fuck off, Blake. You date to push your own loneliness away. I never dated because I was content to be alone. Now, that I met this amazing person, I see how alone I was. Her crossing my path has been an awakening for me. It’s epic.”

  “You keep saying that word, epic. You haven’t been reading romance novels again have you? That was one of the weirdest freaking things ever seeing you read a book from Petra’s chick porn section.” He laughed.

  “Whatever. A book’s a book. I wanted to know what the hype was and Petra wouldn’t shut up until I read it,” I said with a laugh.

  “You are strange, Wynn.” He threw a pillow at me. “But that’s why you’re my friend. Despite it all, you’re awesome. If you think it's what you need to do, you have my blessing.”

  “I don’t need your blessing. And quit with the cheese, man. It’s just weird,” I said as I threw the pillow back. “But thanks, I guess. Back to what you said earlier though, I’m not going to allow either of us to get hurt. I care about her too much. It hurts I care so much. When I found her crying last night, I had an overwhelming need to take the pain away. It’s an irrational need and no human could do that, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to try like hell.”

  Blake sat thinking unspoken words as he watched me for a few breaths. "Well, I don’t know about helping her, but she is doing something for you. It's obvious," he said and without another mention of it he turned on his gaming console and threw me the other controller.

  “Do I have to be your supporting character this time or do I get to lead?” I asked him.

  “Well, since I am player one, you are supporting again,” he said with a laugh.

  “Fucker,” I said as I settled in and began to play. I let my mind drift as I focused on the game until my thoughts went back to the job I had last night. “Since you always want to hear stories from my work, last night there was an assault, and it was crazy because the kid reminded me of myself years ago.”

  Blake closed his eyes for a moment as I was sure he recalled his own memories of a younger version of me, but he continued to play. “Yeah, that is creepy.”

  I nodded as I continued, “It was brutal man. I have seen a great deal of shit, but I can’t get that out of my head.” I paused the game, and set my controller on the couch. I ran my hand through my hair in frustration. “I won’t tell you everything because it was graphic, but seeing it made several memories come to the forefront. That’s why I went to Hannah’s. I needed to get my mind off of it.”

  He grinned foolishly at me, “You needed a hug didn’t you?” He was having a hard time understanding this new side of me. So was I.

  I laughed, “I don’t know why I even said anything.” I remembered something. “Wait, you said you and Abby had a fight. What happened? You never said.”

  He sighed and looked at the ceiling. “She said that I was flirting with Hannah. I didn’t realize what a jealous person she was. I don’t think I was flirting with Hannah at all.”

  “Do you want to stay with her?”

  “With Abby?” I flipped him off in response. “Just kidding man, I know you meant her. I think she’s cool, but if she is going to get that possessive I don’t think I want any of that. She reminded me of Jekyll and Hyde last night. She was super sweet at your place, and as soon as we made it to the street to leave, she flaked out. She started going on about how I didn’t care enough or some shit. It was like she had a tally system or something, weighing how good I was to her. It was weird. We’ve been on maybe six dates.” He stood to get a beer from the fridge. Popping it open he took a drink before continuing. “She said she thought I was better than that or something. I was an ass and told her to fuck off and that I didn’t need her crazy shit.”

  I took a deep breath. “I agree. That’s messed up, but you are still an ass.”

  “I know. I guess it’s good that it ended before it started,” he said with a shrug.

  We returned to our game and our conversation ended. The words we shared for the next hour were of our virtual quest and there was no more talk of girls and craziness.

  A few hours later, I was still at Blake’s and my phone buzzed with a text from Hannah. I read it a few times and couldn’t stop smiling. It was a simple text, as she was just asking me to come to the bookstore. It floored me and I wondered if it was male pride I felt. She had said she needed me and it made my chest swell. I hoped this didn’t lead to beating my chest caveman style.

  “I have to go,” I said as I stood to leave.

  “Okay,” Blake said as he stood to pull me in for his traditional bro-hug. “It’s weird, but cool, seeing you get texts from a girl” he smirked.

  I gave him a glare that said I wanted him to shut his mouth. “I know.” I rolled my eyes and headed to the door.

  I walked into Petra’s store and saw that it was empty of customers. I didn’t see Hannah at the counter and I walked up the rows trying to find her. I found her standing above me on one of the balconies. I watched as she tilted her head to the side and read each of the titles, running her hand along their spines.

  She had calmness in her demeanor when she read. It was the calm that forms as one travels into imagination, the truest form of serenity. The path changes over and again, leading the inner soul further into its own unique dance of life. When the final leg of the journey is reached and each step of the dance is learned, we look back to see we learned more about ourselves with every turn of the page.

  I put one foot in front of the other and concentrated on the motion as I drew closer to her. I wanted to run toward the spiral staircase that could lead me up to her. But hesitation and anticipation of the moment I touched her again, kept my eyes trained on her movements and my steps slowed. It was inspiring watching her here. The pain and sadness followed her like a cloud, but she bore it easier when it was her and the books alone. She didn’t have people around her to cause her to build walls or to secure her mask in place. She was free.

  I climbed the stairs and with continued hesitation in my steps, walked toward her. I noticed the change in her shoulders as I came near and I hated being the cause of it. I didn’t want to be the one that shook her from her peace. She stood up from her bent over position and didn’t turn toward me.

  I a
pproached her and watched the slow advancement of my hand as I lowered it onto her shoulder. She sighed at my touch and her shoulders relaxed. I watched my other hand as I recreated the same motion onto her opposite arm and leaning in, I pressed my nose into her hair. Memories of last night, lying next to her and the scent of vanilla enveloping me filled my thoughts. Hannah surrounding me as I pulled her close and counted her breaths.

  We stood there for a short time, but it felt infinite. That was how it was around her—like every moment before her didn’t exist and every moment after didn’t as well. We were present, now, unbounded. God, if Blake could hear me now. I pushed the thought away, not out of embarrassment but because thinking of my best friend while with Hannah needed to stop.

  Her shoulders tensed under my hand and I wanted to will it away. Then she spoke, “There’s so much I want to say, but the words are hollow compared to the feelings I have when I’m near you.” She pulled my hand from her arm to interlace her fingers with mine. “I can’t guarantee I won’t screw up at times, Wynn. But I want to try for you. I want to be better.”

  My hand that remained on her shoulder flexed as I closed my eyes to fight the reaction my body had to her. It was instinctual by the years of training my mother put me through, but it was different. An outside hand didn't force it, but my own will to show Hannah the purity I saw in her did.

  I turned her to face me and my own control I never knew I had washed over me. I took her face in my hands and as my eyes embraced her, I began to lower my lips to touch hers. Her breath picked up as she pulled her bottom lip in and gave it a slight lick of her tongue. She kept her eyes open as she watched me move closer to her. I touched our lips together and stood there for a moment, not wanting to move. Her exhaled breaths sent a shudder through me and warmth straight to my crotch. She filled me with an intensity that overpowered every experience found in my memories. I inhaled her breaths and closed my eyes as I pulled away from the simple kiss that hadn’t deepened, but held so much.